That you should of helped

(247 Posts)
bongobaby Fri 06-Sep-13 14:08:31

Was running 10 minutes late past school pick up time and rang my friend to ask if it would be okay
If my dc could stop at her house til I got there to collect him from her house. She said no,she was going out and couldn't, fair enough.
Anyway I got to the school and no sign if him, I got held up at a hospital appointment that over ran when it shouldn't of as it was at 1.50 pm so plenty of time I thought to get back.
I got a call a disgruntled call from my friend to say that dc had turned up at her house.
Turns out that her husband opened the door and wouldn't let my dc in as he thought that I had sent my dc round there and then her husband said that my friend was out. But my dc heard her from the kitchen talking.
My dc asked if he could get her to ring me and tell me that he was there.
I know that I was in the wrong for not being there on time , but I would never do that to a child who had the good sense to go to a friend for help in this situation.

bongobaby Fri 06-Sep-13 14:45:08

Ds went to a friend for help and was basically turned away because they chose to lie. I totally accept that it was my fault because of my lateness. I just thought that a friend would not do that to a child or any child. Sorry for my literacy skills, it was not my strong point at school. And now I am the one forever correcting ds,s grammar, my bugbear aswell...

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat Fri 06-Sep-13 14:45:18

What a mean friend.

However, she did say that she wouldn't be there so you should've said to your DS that he should wait as friend wont be there. If you didn't think that he'd actually go there though I understand why you didn't mention it to him that she was busy.

I don't think he did anything wrong and it was a bit rude for her to say she was going out if she wasn't. But if you have asked her to do favours quite often then perhaps she just couldn't be bothered to do it again. Or perhaps there was something up like a family upset that she just didn't want company.

Doesn't mean her or her husband should've been rude to your DS though, that's never called for and nobody should turn a 9 year old away.

MadeOfStarDust Fri 06-Sep-13 14:46:02

Ours can go home alone from when they start juniors too.. So Y3... age 7/8....

Tee2072 Fri 06-Sep-13 14:46:16

Would of should of could of get over it people !!!

redskyatnight Fri 06-Sep-13 14:48:17

Well you have no idea why your DS was told that your friend wasn't in? TBH if a random child turned up at my house and I didn't want to see them, I'd tell them to go away. In your particular scenario, going to the friend's house wasn't a sensible thing for your DS to do - he should have waited at school or gone into the office to announce he hadn't been collected.

And as they rang you and told you that DC was there - what else did you want them to do? He wasn't hurt, needing any immediate assistance or had even waited for very long.

gobbynorthernbird Fri 06-Sep-13 14:49:35

Given that none of us know why the friend declined to look after the child (and she most definitely did), it's a bit off to be slating her. For all we know there's a thread starting along the lines of 'I told my friend I couldn't look after her DC after school, as I had an important appointment once I'd done my school run, but he turned up anyway'.

tiggytape Fri 06-Sep-13 14:52:06

A 1:50pm hospital appointment is optimistic for being on time for school collection (unless your hospital is next to the school I suppose). What is you plan for DS if you are ever late normally - what is he told to do?

Your friend was petty and mean not to let him in but really you should have rang the school to tell them to keep hold of him or at least tell him to wait outside the gates as soon as she said she was unavailable to have him. What had you arranged once she said no?

bongobaby Fri 06-Sep-13 14:53:03

Aintnobdy. It was a total one off asking her if she could help.
So nothing to be pissed off with me for. I never got pissed off when I looked after her dcs sometimes with no notice just turning up and springing them on me.

trice Fri 06-Sep-13 14:56:03

She is not your friend. She is a cow. Even if she thought you were rude enough to send your child over after being told not to it was not your sons fault. She and her dh should have rung you or at least spoken kindly to your ds.

Beamur Fri 06-Sep-13 14:57:52

Your 'friend' was a bit mean - I'd certainly help a fellow Mum with a spot of crisis child minding - as I might need it myself one day too.
Perhaps what it has shown you is you need to have an agreed strategy with your DS about what to do if you are late and no-one else can meet him?

BrokenSunglasses Fri 06-Sep-13 14:59:23

You don't know what she had going on today that made it inconvenient for your child to go to hers. She or her husband might have had issues that were none of your business that she didn't want to discuss, so she told a little white lie so that she didn't have to offend you or divulge personal information that she didn't want to share.

I think you are quite out of order to keep going on about her lying.

The fault here lies entirely with you. You should have called the school to tell them to tell your son to wait, especially knowing that he sometimes wanders away from school with his friends and that you and your friend weren't going to be available.

What if your friend and her DH really had been out? Then your ds would have been stranded not knowing whether to go back to school or try another friend or what.

Your friend does not have to justify why she couldn't have your ds this afternoon, she said no, and you allowed him to turn up anyway!

SconeRhymesWithGone Fri 06-Sep-13 15:01:50

OP, please do not apologize for your literacy skills. I think everyone on here understands your posts. smile

redskyatnight Fri 06-Sep-13 15:03:47

trice the friend did ring OP.

From the friend's point of view ... "I'd just received some bad news about a family member (insert alternative crisis as required) so was feeling very down. A friend rang me to ask if I would have her DS after school as she was stuck at the hospital. I really wasn't up to talking to anyone or dealing with more than I had to and I didn't want to go into the reasons why so I just told her I'd be out. She was fine with this. However her DS turned up at our door anyway, so I still had to ring her and let her know he was there. AIBU to think that she should have made alternative arrangements?"

Crowler Fri 06-Sep-13 15:04:39

The only explanation here is that 1. your friend is a cow 2. she feels taken advantage of by you and is putting her foot down.

RedHelenB Fri 06-Sep-13 15:06:14

I think YABU because by your son turning up at her house, it looks as though you hadn't accepted her "no" as an answer. Maybe you need to give him a key to let himself into your house - he should be able to be trusted for an hour on his own at that age. Can't really see how school has anything to do with it tbh.

somersethouse Fri 06-Sep-13 15:07:55

brokensunglasses puts it perfectly.
Almost think this thread is a joke, you ask someone, they say no. You are late, in the wrong, do not phone the school, how can it be anyones fault but your own?

But I am an existentialist. smile

ilovebabytv Fri 06-Sep-13 15:09:10

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quoteunquote Fri 06-Sep-13 15:09:38

Find another safe place for the child to go to so if in the rare event he is in the situation again he can go to a responsible adult,

and find better friends, don't have anything to do with these Twonks again,

Some people are just shit, at least you know these two are, and will know not to waste any energy on the idiots again.

Isildur Fri 06-Sep-13 15:13:26

But the friend did nothing wrong.

There are times when it would be impossible to have a child's school friend over, clearly this was one of those times.

A family crisis, medical issue, evening class, activity, whatever; the OP's friend made the required call and did not have to explain herself.

Sirzy Fri 06-Sep-13 15:13:55

why didn't you phone the school to say you were running late?

TheOriginalSteamingNit Fri 06-Sep-13 15:16:02

Sorry, you should have rung the school and ds shouldn't have left by himself.

redskyatnight Fri 06-Sep-13 15:16:35

OP- you've been friends for 15 years. You must have a pretty good idea what they are like. I find it quite sad that your first thought was not "why did my friend lie to me - is something the matter?" but to have assumed that your friend was purely being unhelpful.

Is being unhelpful how she normally is? Or does she normlly support you and put herself out for you?

lunar1 Fri 06-Sep-13 15:23:12

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cushtie335 Fri 06-Sep-13 15:24:39

Something similar happened to me. When my DS was at primary school I used to go up to the school for him every day, not to "collect" him as he was perfectly capable of getting home on his own but to walk the dog. We'd then go up to the park with a woman who had been a "friend" for 10 years with her DS who was a few years younger than my DS and really did need an adult to collect him (he has SEN).

Countless times she'd be "running late" (from what I don't know, she didn't work) and would ask me to collect her DS and sometimes take him home to my house until she was able to come for him. I always did this without hesitation, even when it was seriously inconvenient.

Anyway, big long boring story cut short...one day I was running late and texted her to say "Running late, please tell my DS not to wait for me at school and just make his own way home (he had his own key) to which I got a snotty text back saying "If I see him, I've not got time to stand around waiting for him".

I was really angry and made a point of not helping her out after that as she'd totally shot herself in the foot.

My tenuous point is that sometimes people can let us down badly and disappoint us even if we've known them for years.

bongobaby Fri 06-Sep-13 15:27:23

When I rang to ask her if she could help, she said no because she was going out to do food shopping. When ds turned up at her house her husband said she was out doing school pick up. Her dc were in after school club until 5pm that day. She was in the house. We are friends and if there was a personal crisis with her than she would of told me. Sure none of my business if she didn't want to.

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