To not want to see my MIL'a colostomy bag again

(94 Posts)
AQuarkTooFar Thu 05-Sep-13 21:57:27

Once was enough, the second time was just not necessary!

No reason to show me it, she just thought I might be interested. Bleurgh not close enough for that chat.

My DM is now listing everyone she knows that has had a colostomy bag including the Queen Mum! hmm

AmpullaOfVater Fri 06-Sep-13 22:28:50

"Personally i wish my parent would talk more openly about their bag."

Christ, I don't! My dad had one for a few months and I saw it far more times than I would've liked. But before I get flamed I was a wonderful, supportive daughter.

YANBU.

WandaDoff Fri 06-Sep-13 22:25:04

Sorry, had it in my head it was your MIL.

Same difference though, she's looking for your support.

WandaDoff Fri 06-Sep-13 22:23:11

I've never emptied a colostomy bag, I've emptied my MILs catheter bag many times. Helped her onto the commode & wiped her bum afterwards too.

A colostomy or catheter bag is a private thing that takes a lot of getting used to. Your MIL is probably finding it quite hard to get used to it & looking for reassurance from those she cares about.

By offering to show you, your MIL is showing a great trust in you, she must feel close enough to you as a person & family member to share it with you, it might not be the most pleasant thing, but you must try to be supportive even if its distasteful to you.

I sympathise, totally, it's not nice.

Here, have some wine smile

BergholtStuttleyJohnson Fri 06-Sep-13 22:05:56

By "no big deal" I mean it wasn't for me to empty it. For the person who has one it obviously is quite a big deal.

BergholtStuttleyJohnson Fri 06-Sep-13 22:02:19

I've emptied a fair few colostomy bags, not the most pleasant job but not a big deal is it? I actually find it quite interesting, not the emptying bit, just how it all works and whatnot.

pud1 Fri 06-Sep-13 20:56:07

My wonderful dad had his illisiostomu ( not a clue how to spell it). Fitted in April. He had cancer of the bowel and is doing chemo now. He has shown me his stoma and his bag on many occasions and it was pretty obvious that it was part of his coping strategy. It was not a pleasent sight when he has the trainer bag that was transparent but now he has the non see through one you can't see the contents anyway. He has been through hell after the op. he has major pain. Blockages, collapsing small intestine as well as the chemo side effects. He has dealt with it all so well and often says he would rather have a bag than be in a box.
If me looking at and taking interest in his stoma and bag is helping him even slightly I will happily do that when ever he wants.

MrsDeVere Fri 06-Sep-13 20:17:01

I think people are being a bit harsh.
Its not really something you want to look at.

If my OH had one or my children it would be a part of my life but if it was my MILs (unless I was her carer) it wouldn't.

I would be happy to chat to her about it. TBH I wouldn't mind looking at if if she really wanted to show me but I have been a carer for years so it wouldn't upset me.

But its not everyone's cup of tea.

My lovely dad went into hospital to have a bag fitted and he never came home. Fucking MRSA and negligence saw to that.

One other related story. We went to Disney Paris with the Black Cabs. They take sick kids there.
I went to the loo and I heard crying. It took me about 10 mins to coax a young girl out. She was distraught, it was her first time away since she had her bag fitted and it was all just too much for her.

Poor baby. It was 8 years ago. I hope she got better and I hope she doesn't have to cope with that bag anymore.

mrsjay Fri 06-Sep-13 20:09:01

because it is a private part of her body. Equally, I would expect to feel uncomfortable were she to offer to show me it.

^ ^ this

BadSeedsAddict Fri 06-Sep-13 20:07:16

The OP is not being very unreasonable, she has a right to not have to see someone's colostomy bag. It is unreasonable to expect her to 'toughen up'. This isn't her saying she finds stomas in general disgusting (who would say that?). She's wondering if it's within her rights to ask her MIL to stop making her look at hers. Yes it must be a big thing to deal with. No she shouldn't have to look at it, except in particular circumstances. My MIL may have to have one and despite us being pretty close I wouldn't ask to see it even if we were close, because it is a private part of her body. Equally, I would expect to feel uncomfortable were she to offer to show me it.

mrsjay Fri 06-Sep-13 19:48:49

I am sure the OP is very supportive of her MIL and her medical condition,

RachelHRD Fri 06-Sep-13 18:59:19

YABVU

My DD had one from the age of 5 weeks to 18 months and it's far more unpleasant to have one and live with it than to look at one. I'm guessing she has it due to health issues so I hope she is getting plenty of support.

Andro Fri 06-Sep-13 17:54:21

I thinks it's perfectly reasonable to not want to see a person's colostomy bag, that lack of desire doesn't for minute detract from how much someone may care/be concerned/have empathy for the person.

Oblomov Fri 06-Sep-13 17:18:16

I wouldn't mind if my mil showed me hers, but then
a) I like my mil a lot.
b) I quite like shit/pooh/gore/verrucas/ vile things on health /Trypopophobia etc.
So if anyone showed me their blood/warts etc, I wouldn't really care.

phantomnamechanger Fri 06-Sep-13 16:58:59

I think this is part of her adapting to this - and is comparable with a toddler proudly showing you the contents of their potty. Part fascination, part seeking some sort of acknowledgement from others.

I find it humbling to read of so many younger people going through this so bravely and acceptingly. All power to them.

midlandslurker Fri 06-Sep-13 16:54:27

YANBU

I can fully comprehend your MIL wanting to share her experience and fears with those she is close to,but surely that can be conveyed verbally ? "show and tell" should be left in the classroom.

MissAntithetic Fri 06-Sep-13 16:44:37

I wouldn't want to see a bag any more than I would want to see an arsehole. But then I'm pretty unfazed as I have looked after many people with a bag so it doesn't bother me any more than a butt, a boob, a false leg whatever.

Although they do make some rather odd noises at times grin

Longfufu Fri 06-Sep-13 16:44:06

My husband who's 31 has a bag, i don't mind it...better than him "losing control" he had an IBD for 8 years. Got to admit i didn't like the see through bags that he had in the early days to help him with fitting.

mrsjay Fri 06-Sep-13 16:40:32

I'm sure her mil is processing this new thing and talking about it is part of this.

Necessary evil I guess, like so much in life!

yes she is just adjusting to it she will eventually stop showing it to whoever wants or not wants to see it, but I never felt the need to show mine to anybody ever, my mum when I got it as she wanted to see but I wouldn't show it to anybody else not because I am ashamed as I needed it obviously but just because I didn't like anybody would want to see a bag of urine,

I have a relative with one. She didn't talk about it to anyone (though we knew) and only recently could speak to me about it as she finds it difficult - she had to explain that she can't stay at anyone's house unless there is an ensuite bathroom she can have for her own use. She can't visit us because of this - and I know she was mortified to talk about it. I assured her I had dealt with three children under three and poo was no longer capable of making me embarrassed; no help to her I'm sure, but at least I wasn't embarrassed - which would have made her feel worse.

Does anyone have this problem with travelling - any suggestions?

ITCouldBeWorse Fri 06-Sep-13 16:37:45

I think most people would view a bag in a Matter of fact way - a bit like any visit to the loo. Mostly people would not call you to have a look before flushing and I think op responded like that.

I'm sure her mil is processing this new thing and talking about it is part of this.

Necessary evil I guess, like so much in life!

mrsjay Fri 06-Sep-13 16:33:28

you know there has to come a time when MIl needs to see this as a part of her and by not whipping it out to show people is what she needs to do eventually

wannabestressfree Fri 06-Sep-13 16:29:20

Why does she need to keep it under cover. She clearly wants to wipe it out and talk about it. Good for her I say......

mrsjay Fri 06-Sep-13 16:25:30

I agree with BadSeedsAddicts we wouldnt go in and have a look at our mother in laws poop every day would we, of course talking about it is good she is coming to terms with it but she needs to keep it under cover imo

NappyHappy Fri 06-Sep-13 15:46:06

Chest farts in inappropriate places too winkwink

The chicken was the prolapse, it was funny seeing the look on the guards face when explaining what it was. shock

A friend of ours has a stoma, again life or death situation and she has had a hell of a time with hers hmm but shes said talking has helped her but she doesn't show 'Harry' to anyone.

BadSeedsAddict Fri 06-Sep-13 14:09:01

Agree that talking about it more is good though grin

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