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AIBU?

To not want to invite this boy to my son's party?

112 replies

ziggiestardust · 05/09/2013 21:32

Mumsnet regular; name changed after a long break.

This is such a worry for me, I'm desperate to not do the wrong thing.

My son's 3rd birthday is a couple of weeks away, and I'm looking at sending the invites shortly. He goes to nursery and I'm inviting a couple of children from there, as well as some family children and some friends from baby groups we've kept in touch with; so a mixed group.

At nursery, there is a little boy whose mum I'm really friendly with and we get on well. However, over the past year it's become more apparent that the friendship between our sons is a little one sided. This other boy pushed my son around a bit; we had a couple of minor incidents. DS would come home and say 'X pushed me today' or 'X scratched me today' about once a week at one point. I raised it with the nursery, and they kept a closer eye on the situation and it subsided a bit. A few weeks later; DS came home with bruises and marks on his face. It turned out that this other boy had pushed him to the ground, and held him down whilst he bit and scratched his face. It was quite nasty and there was a puncture style wound under DS' eye from the other boys' teeth, which bruised and swelled

The situation was dealt with well by the nursery, although I was quite upset.

Now, we were invited to this boy's party a few weeks later. We did go (like I said; I'm friendly with the mum and didn't want to let her down), but her son still hit mine over the head with a toy repeatedly until I grabbed my boy away and we left shortly after.

I have cooled the friendship a little, if I'm honest. My son ends up getting hit by this other boy every time we meet, it seems.

Can I get away with not inviting this boy to my son's party? I don't want to come across as nasty! But it's my son's party, and DH is adamant that this other boy isn't coming and we need to protect our son from another child who has a tendency to bully other kids.

But how can I deal with this sensitively? What happens if the boy's mum asks me why her son isn't invited?

in advance

OP posts:

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HeySoulSister · 05/09/2013 21:37

He isn't a bully! he's 3!!

TheBuskersDog · 05/09/2013 21:37

If you are only asking a couple of children from nursery just ask your son who he wants, if she asks tell her he only had a couple of friends from nursery and that was who he chose.

LimitedEditionLady · 05/09/2013 21:37

If you understand that his mother probably wont carry on the friendship i wouldnt invite him.If your kids arent friends will you still be or is it just because of the kids?

Nanny0gg · 05/09/2013 21:39

You say the nursery dealt with the situation well. But how? Is the boy's mother aware of what he has done to your DS? How does she deal with him when he hits? Is it only your son that he hits?

(Sorry for the list of questions!)

CharityFunDay · 05/09/2013 21:41

But how can I deal with this sensitively? What happens if the boy's mum asks me why her son isn't invited?

Tell her the truth -- her son attacks yours, and this is not acceptable.

Have you asked your son whether he wants this other kid at his party? I'd be guided by his answer to be honest.

Disclaimer: I am not a parent.

ziggiestardust · 05/09/2013 21:41

limited that's the problem. I really, really like the mum as a person. I think she's nice, and I don't want to upset her.

It feels like my son is being bullied, actually. Perhaps it isn't the right thing to call it. But when my little boy came home with bite marks on his face and scratches on his head and neck, it sure felt like it.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 05/09/2013 21:42

I don't think the nursery did handle it well, how long did it take to get him off your son with all those injuries. You have to put your ds before your friend on this one.

Crowler · 05/09/2013 21:43

Not to fob off your concerns, I understand where you're coming from, but I think a lot of three year olds bang toys on other kids' heads.

I think if you want to maintain this friendship, you might want to reconsider. Who you invite to a three year old's party really comes down to more who you want there than who your kid does - as far as they're concerned, today's enemy is tomorrow's friend.

LimitedEditionLady · 05/09/2013 21:43

Well unless you talk to her about his birthday actually,why will you have to approach it?you font actually have to explain why unless she asks.If she asks just say he could pick two more kids and he said the two he wants etc.You cant make kids like each other.

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 05/09/2013 21:43

I wouldn't invite him. It's not as if you're inviting everyone from nursery except for him.

ziggiestardust · 05/09/2013 21:45

Nanny the parents are informed of issues like this; like we were informed of the biting/scratching etc, the other parents are informed to keep a track on behaviour and potential issues etc. They had a big talk on acceptable behaviour, and the other little boy was monitored by an extra key worker and he graduated to the next room up a few weeks later anyway. So perhaps he was bored. Maybe that's why he attacked. I'm not sure. Since he has moved rooms, there have been no more incidents.

OP posts:

LimitedEditionLady · 05/09/2013 21:46

Well how about you meet the mum for a coffee or something but not at your childs party?If you think theres a risk that this child is seeing your child and thinking its acceptable to hurt him then act accordingly.Do they ever play nicely together?could they play nicely just in a pair?

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat · 05/09/2013 21:46

I presume you have mentioned it to your friend?

Part of friendship is being able to mention things that are bothering you and surely she'd want to know if her son was showing signs of aggression so she could help him deal with these feelings he may be having?

Lilacroses · 05/09/2013 21:47

I really don't think it's very nice for your child to have a child to his birthday party that constantly thumps him. If the other mother says something maybe you could say that they are not getting on very well at the moment. Presumably she knows about the biting incident at the nursery. It is hard though...things like this are very sensitive.

NicknameIncomplete · 05/09/2013 21:47

I wouldnt invite this boy. Just tell the mum that it was a small gathering & not many people were there.

Do you think she will ask or even notice?

pigletmania · 05/09/2013 21:47

Yanbu don't invite this boy, your friends with his mum not him. Teir is only a couple going from nursery. It's your ds special day he should not have this boy there if he makes the op son scared and anxious. Op sad s is cooling the frienspdship anyway

Fourbears · 05/09/2013 21:49

I wouldn't invite him. Why should you have to spend your child's party on edge and worried that this boy is going to start beating up yours? I'm presuming your friend knows about his behaviour? If so, she needs to start disclipling him otherwise there will be many parties he won't be invited to!

pigletmania · 05/09/2013 21:50

Yes just say tat tey are not getting on very well right now

ziggiestardust · 05/09/2013 21:50

crowler oh yes, I understand, and I'd be more likely to shrug it off as just 'kids being kids' if there hasn't been previous incidents. Perhaps I was being a little sensitive, and I obviously wasn't at the party until the end. Perhaps he did it to another kid as well.

OP posts:

bonzo77 · 05/09/2013 21:52

I wouldn't invite him. Whoever said that banging other kids on the head with toys is normal for 3 year olds knows some funny 3 year olds. In DS1's class of 20 2-3 year olds last year there was 1 child who regularly hit others. That's not normal.

As to how nursery handled it... How did it get so far that the other child had time to hold your child down and assault him before staff noticed and separated them? The situation should never have gone as far as it did. And IME the staff will never tell the parents the names of the other child involved.

TweenageAngst · 05/09/2013 21:53

A boy did this to my DS at a similar age. They are now best mates 10 years down the track.

FetchezLaVache · 05/09/2013 21:54

So, at the other boy's party, you say he hit your DS repeatedly until YOU grabbed your DS away. Did your friend observe this and if so, did she react in any way at all?

ziggiestardust · 05/09/2013 21:54

aint actually, no I haven't. I'd feel like I was perhaps making a big deal out of nothing; perhaps my son is the only one this other boy has a problem with and this is just the way he deals with it.... I don't know, I don't want to come across as judgemental, and I'd hate the mum to take it badly, because I know she tries SO hard. I don't know. Am I being remiss, here?

OP posts:

pigletmania · 05/09/2013 21:54

What was your friend doing when he was banging your ds head with a toy, did she not intervene?

MirandaGoshawk · 05/09/2013 21:57

YANBU not to invite him. It's bound to be a bit awkward if she asks why he's not invited, but I would say that DS had chosen who he wanted to be there.

Having said that, I always asked the kids whose mothers I liked regardless of whether they were great friends with my dch! But I wouldn't ask this boy.

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