To think if he abandoned first kids, he's not worth knowing?

(76 Posts)
WibblyWoman Thu 05-Sep-13 13:20:15

My friends DP has a 5, 6 and 8 year old from a previous relationship whom he hasn't seen for 3 years. His ex stopped contact, he hasn't fought to reinstate it. My friend has a 2 year old with him. I can't help thinking he's the same age her DPs youngest was when he stopped having contact and that if they split its likely her ds will be abandoned too. She acknowledges that this concerns her too. I told her I wouldn't be with my DP if I thought he were incapable of abandoning his child(ren.) I appreciate I may have been unreasonable to share my opinion, but that isn't an unreasonable opinion to hold is it?

dufflefluffle Thu 05-Sep-13 16:12:09

My dh had a very diffficult relationship with his ex. She controlled when and how he saw his dd. Once a month was not acceptable - it had to be every weekend or not at all. He lived a 7 hour round trip away while working a job that involved working weekends. He did his best to meet her demands but couldn't sustain it and so he was not allowed to see her for 2 years until he tried again. He was doomed to fail to meet her crazy demands from the beginning. The DD is now in her mid 20's and will have nothing to do with him but her mother still sends him demanding ridiculing texts and he is still affected by her. We have children and he is a excellent father to them. If we did split up I hope he would continue to be a good dad but I imagine I would be willing to work around his work schedule in order that he could still be a part of their lives rather than work against him as his ex did. Your friends partner could have learned from his previous relationship and she is a different character from his ex too so it would not necessarily be the same thing at all.

froubylou Thu 05-Sep-13 16:33:30

There are many complex and intricate reasons why a father may stop seeing his children.

Sometimes that man is a wanker. Sometimes the mother is so obstructive and unreasonable that the father has to choose between trying to maintain a relationship with his children and his sanity plus consider the wellbeing of the children.

My DP had 2 almost grown up children from a previous marriage. He is an exemplary father to my DD, far more
than her own father and I am currently 25 weeks pg with our baby.

Unless you were there or know all the details then you can't pass judgement on him. The campaign groups that fight for the rights of absent fathers are not always right. But they aren't always wrong either.

absentmindeddooooodles Thu 05-Sep-13 16:49:30

Exactly wilson. If a man can walk away without even thinking about helping in anyway let alone having contact then its a different kettle of fish. Dp pays a big percentage of his wages. He does not earn a massive amount, and theres never much if anything left iver after the mortgage and bills go out ( including maintinence) but he would never dream of stopping it. Regardless of the fact that he and I just dont have enough food to stretch to us sometimes. The mother has alot of money. About 5 times what we earn. Still accwpts it and still wont even put him on the birth certificate.
Then you get some fathers or mothers in some cases, who swan off into the sunset giving the matter no thought. Evwn worse like you say when they can afford to pay maintinence and just dont. Again like you said, this would be a big deciding factor for me on my opinion of the situation.

Rufus43 Thu 05-Sep-13 17:36:37

YABU, you don't know all the circumstances. It's right to feel wary if you are entering into a new relationship with a man like this but none of your business otherwise.

My husband has said that if I did to him what someone is doing to a relative of ours, then he would not see the children...that did give me a shock as he is such a fantastic hands on father

KissMeHardy Thu 05-Sep-13 18:13:42

Using the word abandoned in your thread title is just a tad emotive, don't you think?

You don't actually 'know' that he abandoned them, do you?

MammaTJ Thu 05-Sep-13 18:22:16

She stopped contact as she wanted him to have more responsibility rather than contact which fitted around his shift pattern.

I imagine when he was with the mother of his children, he only saw them when he wasn't working. Now they have split she wants him to have them other times. I think the ex is being unreasonable here and he just doesn't have the energy to fight it, knowing that even if he won in court, she would still be spiteful enough to do everything she could to not allow contact.

In this case, he doesn't sound like he would abandon the child unless your friend was similarly unreasonable.

BellEndTent Thu 05-Sep-13 18:25:32

YANBU. I wouldn't go anywhere near a man who did this.

dirtyface Thu 05-Sep-13 18:34:44

There are many complex and intricate reasons why a father may stop seeing his children. ....Sometimes that man is a wanker. Sometimes the mother is so obstructive and unreasonable that the father has to choose between trying to maintain a relationship with his children and his sanity plus consider the wellbeing of the children.

this ^^

my dh - who is a brilliant dad to our dcs - has had very little contact with his teen dd from a prev marriage since he left, because of the unreasonable actions of her mum. but now she is older he is finally able to start to build a relationship with her as she is old enough to make her own mind up without her mums influence and see what really happened

so its not always black and white

BoneyBackJefferson Thu 05-Sep-13 18:46:18

I know quite a few men that have been stopped from seeing their children by their EXs. The "abandonment" of the children is not always due to the male.

Iactuallydothinkso Thu 05-Sep-13 19:05:48

It costs £215 to make an application for contact. There are no hearing fees. You can represent yourself. If you get a contact order and then the resident parent breaks it, you can enforce it (unpaid voluntary work, financial costs) on the other side for another £215. If the other side is still obstructive, the judge can order a change of residency.
If you cannot afford the cost of an application then the court has a fee remission scheme designed to allow those on a low income to have a discounted or free application.
Money is not a barrier to applying for contact.

AnyFucker Thu 05-Sep-13 19:16:26

If I was asked my opinion, why would I lie

I don't think you do your friends any favours to sugar coat stuff

I reckon there might be other behaviours in this man she is perhaps finally waking up to

Colluding with and excusing shitty behaviour is not helpful

BoneyBackJefferson Thu 05-Sep-13 19:17:50

Iactuallydothinkso

Yes its as simple and easy as going to the csa, and it always works hmm

I don't give a crap why or anything.

Any parent who doesn't go all the way to see and support their children fully is a twat IMO.

Iactuallydothinkso Thu 05-Sep-13 19:22:40

Boneyback - it's not simple or easy. I just wanted to make the point that money is not a barrier to court proceedings.

Don't even get me started on the csa!!! Toothless tiger.

BoneyBackJefferson Thu 05-Sep-13 19:27:45

"Toothless tiger."

This was my point about the application for contact but put a lot better. It is not simple and the RP can continue to put up no end of barriers to contact.
There are men that have almost bankrupted themselves to try and continue contact with their children.

Zoe999 Thu 05-Sep-13 19:33:47

I would be wary. Some men stop seeing their children because it's a bit uncomfortable for them and then they blame their x that they never see their children, when what is really preventing them is their inability to suck up the awkwardness. If my x won custody of my children tomorrow I would continue to see them no matter how awkward it felt.

froubylou Thu 05-Sep-13 19:37:48

My DP had a court approved order for contact.

Means fuck all when you turn up and no one is home. Or when the new partner tells him to fuck off. And assaults him. Or when only 1 child is allowed to go. Or when the police are waiting for him and use pepper spray to restain him in front of the kids as his ex had called an hour before and told them he was on his way to cut her throat.

And before anyone asks he was paying maintenance. At a £100 per week. From net earnings of £220. And this was about 16 years ago.

So it's not always the father who abandons their children. Sometimes its the mother who causes the damage.

hardboiledpossum Thu 05-Sep-13 19:46:22

I wouldn't have made it to the end of the first date if i found this out.

FreudiansSlipper Thu 05-Sep-13 19:49:55

if he abandoned them yes of course why would i want to be with a man like that

if it was made almost impossible for him to see his children and he had tried all means to am it so sure. but all stories i have heard like this it is never so black and white though i am sure it has happened just not as often as some claim

OhDearNigel Thu 05-Sep-13 19:58:34

What would some of you have the OP do, lie about her opinion so as not to rock the boat ? Friendship sometimes means having to say things that aren't nice to hear if you have your friend's best interests at heart.

AnyFucker Thu 05-Sep-13 20:10:59

hear hear, Nige

BoneyBackJefferson Thu 05-Sep-13 20:51:47

All anyone has done is offer opinions and ask the op to think about what she should say. Only a couple have said stay out of it.

Onebuddhaisnotenough Thu 05-Sep-13 20:58:06

It's a load of bollocks when men spin the whole 'my evil Ex stops me from seeing my kids and there's NOTHING I can do about it' whine.

My Ex is an abusive bastard and STILL has court ordered contact with the children.

After my marriage ended I dated a few guys. And ran a mile from the one who abdicated his responsibility for his kids.

BoneyBackJefferson Thu 05-Sep-13 21:07:59

Onebuddhaisnotenough
"It's a load of bollocks when men spin the whole 'my evil Ex stops me from seeing my kids and there's NOTHING I can do about it' whine.

My Ex is an abusive bastard and STILL has court ordered contact with the children."

Yes, because what happened to you is the only truth.

Onebuddhaisnotenough Thu 05-Sep-13 21:15:51

Boney - I have the police photographs of my childrens bruises if you would like to see them ?

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