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to think that I am not 'lucky' or being 'ungrateful'

(216 Posts)
BuskersCat Wed 04-Sep-13 14:14:28

Basically I asked DDs father to buy her some SHOES for pre-school, proper full shoes (colour doesn't matter at pre-school) XP bought Dd a pair of trainers, I thanked him for them, closed the front door and moaned at DP that he had bought trainers and that I'd have to swap them for shoes and make up the shortfall in price.

DP thinks I am being ungrateful and that I am lucky. I disagree, we get £61 a month from the CSA for dd, I thought the least he could do is buy her a pair of shoes for school, bearing in mind in 3 and a half years this will be the second pair of shoes he has bought her.

I don't think a father buying shoes is lucky I think it should be expected, especially since the maintenance we receive is so low. DP thinks this was nice of him. I also think that changing them from shoes isn't me being ungrateful, I said thank-you for them!

Sirzy Wed 04-Sep-13 14:16:30

Did you specify what type of shoe she needed?

I would have thought unless pre school had a uniform policy of some sort trainers would be ideal for preschool really

101handbags Wed 04-Sep-13 14:17:12

I think next time you need to specify exactly what you want - the shop, the size, the price, the colour etc. It's the only way to get exactly what you want.

BuskersCat Wed 04-Sep-13 14:18:08

Yes I did several hundred times that she needed a full shoe that you can wear in the rain and not get soaking feet. So a leather shoe, not fabric trainers with lights.

BuskersCat Wed 04-Sep-13 14:19:06

Sorry I should have said in the OP, I told him the type of shoes I wanted him to get (she had a pair last year) but he decided to totally ignore what I said.

noisytoys Wed 04-Sep-13 14:19:26

I think YABU. trainers are ideal for pre school and maintenance is for maintaining your DC. The rate is low I agree with that but it is what it is. He went beyond that and bought her some footwear.

mrsfuzzy Wed 04-Sep-13 14:21:02

with some men you need to draw diagrams and give instructions, on this occasion it seems that your xp was doing his best but not possibly informed about what was required.

BuskersCat Wed 04-Sep-13 14:21:21

See NT that is what DP says.

It just annoys me that NRP can get away with paying next to nothing and the RP should be lucky that they've bought something extra

TwasBrillig Wed 04-Sep-13 14:21:27

Trainers are a good idea for pre school aren't they? It would be a bit odd to take them back after she's got excited having daddy buy her shoes . .

BuskersCat Wed 04-Sep-13 14:22:24

I didn't say she was excited hmm they're just shoes to her

Sirzy Wed 04-Sep-13 14:23:18

I still don't understand why trainers are no good.

But if you are going to want a specific pair then surely it would be better to say "she needs new shoes, I will take her they are £30 so can you give me £15 towards them please"

yegodsandlittlefishes Wed 04-Sep-13 14:25:58

I think it's more a matter of whether they are cheap, flimsy trainers that are going to fall apart at the first exposure to winter weather, or are they fitted ones from Clarks/Start Right which support her feet? There is a world of difference.

hoppingmad Wed 04-Sep-13 14:26:17

They've got lights and she's not excited? Are you sure?

I think you need to relax tbh, she has perfectly suitable shoes and if it does rain then surely wellies would be better anyway?

My pays csa because he's forced to. He doesn't buy anything else at all, ever. They are lucky if they get a birthday present so in your shoes (ignore the pun) I would be overjoyed!

CocacolaMum Wed 04-Sep-13 14:28:10

I think YANBU on this. If you specified a good supportive shoe for all weathers and he bought trainers to save a few quid then that's not on

BuskersCat Wed 04-Sep-13 14:29:30

They were from Clarks, they were the canvas type shoes. She needed a shoe because if it starts raining when we are out then her feet will be dry, all she has at the moment is the pump type style, so it rains, and she gets wet feet.

Honestly she is not bothered by the lights, she was excited to get new shoes, she was also excited when we went to swap them. Basically she is excited when she gets a new pair, regardless of who bought them or what they look like.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Wed 04-Sep-13 14:33:17

I do think you have a situation that you don't fully appreciate and which could be so much worse for you - maybe that's what your DP meant?

I receive CM at the rate the CSA dictate depending on how much DDs dad is earning and provide her with everything she needs.
Anything he buys her is up to him - I have no say in that.

As for the CSA calculation being low - it's based on his income so you wouldn't have any extra money even if you were still together.

quesadilla Wed 04-Sep-13 14:34:08

I can see why its irritating but actually I think trainers are fine for pre-school. I would let this one go.

MorphyBrown Wed 04-Sep-13 14:34:59

You told him exactly the type she needed. He bought a completely different kind. I don't think YABU at all.

How does he only pay £61 a month?

Repeatedlydoingthetwist Wed 04-Sep-13 14:36:22

OP you are not being ungrateful, and I find it laughable that a parent buying their own child a pair of shoes is something that can be classed as 'lucky'.
A lot of people seem to be focussing on whether you clarified the type of shoe required, no one has asked if your ex checked what type of shoe to buy? Why is it all down to the OP? FWIW if you said 'school shoe' to me, I would always assume you meant a sturdy black shoe from Clarks etc, not a trainer.

Bellini28 Wed 04-Sep-13 14:37:36

YADNBU to think you shouldn't have to feel grateful or lucky!! Perhaps it's cultural and that so many women in the UK are resigned to crap fathers... This is what I have observed amongst friends and relatives anyway. I think that it is less about him buying the wrong shoes and more about the fact that its only the second pair he has ever bought and that you are told you are lucky!

It's hard to have perspective if it is all you are used to but I would say that 2 pairs of shoes in 3.5 years is a poor show! This idea that you should be grateful just perpetuates the fact that a lot of men barely function as responsible, providing fathers.... A couple of pairs of shoes a year is the least a man can do for his kid!

needaholidaynow Wed 04-Sep-13 14:40:19

As for the CSA calculation being low - it's based on his income so you wouldn't have any extra money even if you were still together.

That's a really good point. He must be on a low income, and just to add to this as well he now has two households to support, so most of his income will be swallowed up by his rent/mortgage, then bills and food; things that all benefit your DD when she is with him. So that's why the child maintenance is so low.

WaitingForMe Wed 04-Sep-13 14:41:00

Of course you're not lucky or ungrateful. Parents but stuff for their kids, RP or not. I felt DSS2 would benefit from a new coat so we bought him one. His mum didn't act as though we were stepping on her toes but didn't say thank you nor would I expect her to.

NightScentedStock Wed 04-Sep-13 14:41:10

Your xp ignored your request and got a cheap pair of trainers instead. Nothing lucky about that for you. Why should you be grateful for the wrong thing? If he couldn't afford the shoes he should have ssid, and offered some cash towards them imo or said no I want to get these instead because x y z.. He sounds pretty useless op and tight.

MorphyBrown Wed 04-Sep-13 14:41:25

That's not just low it's pathetic.

Nagoo Wed 04-Sep-13 14:42:10

You mean the got her the lightweight canvas type? Meh, I'd have taken them back too. She needs proper shoes, there are only a few weeks left of this nice weather. YANBU.

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