to not have considered this cheating?

(101 Posts)
SorryAndConfused Mon 02-Sep-13 21:35:57

DH recently found out that during the first year of our relationship, I had a few encounters with another girl. We were 19, I didn't tell him at the time as I presumed he wouldn't 'mind'. In my defense, he and many of our other male friends would go on about girl on girl being 'hot' (I know that sounds lame and embarrassing, but we were teenagers).

Well, he is very cross. Bear in mind, we are 7 years on now - married with a child. He knew that I'd had these experiences before our relationship, so it's not like he's shocked by the nature of it. I have made a genuinely apology, but he says he is disappointed in me.

Not to sound extremely childish, but he did his fair share of lying in that first year too!

Yes we sound childish, but we are now married with 2 children and a lot more mature.

Was I wrong? I have apologised over and over..

WorraLiberty Mon 02-Sep-13 21:50:46

Of course it's cheating, I'm suprised you have to ask? confused

How did he find out?

SorryAndConfused Mon 02-Sep-13 21:51:33

I guess I just feel a little hard done to because of his own behaviour in that first year too. And the fact that he is saying it's not the same. I'm not saying this to him as I'm respecting the fact that he's upset, but still..

SorryAndConfused Mon 02-Sep-13 21:52:14

A mutual friend mentioned it to him, assuming that he knew. We both did silly things back then.

WorraLiberty Mon 02-Sep-13 21:52:43

You might as well tell us what his behaviour was in the first year, instead of just alluding to it.

And when you found out about his behaviour?

justmyview Mon 02-Sep-13 21:52:59

I can see that if he also cheated on you, then you're both at fault. I think you need to either draw a line on this and move on, or else take a long hard look in the mirror and ask why you (both) felt it necessary to cheat and do you still want to be together

GetStuffezd Mon 02-Sep-13 21:53:44

Again, are you expecting to be let off the hook because it was with a woman? I honestly cannot work out why the gender of the other person is such a big deal!
Good drip feed about his behaviour though.

Hassled Mon 02-Sep-13 21:54:49

Without actually telling us what he did in that first year it's hard to tell if you're on equal footing. I'm assuming it was "less" than sex with someone else - in which case fair enough that he's upset. He's bound to be - be apologetic, not defensive.

SorryAndConfused Mon 02-Sep-13 21:57:03

His behavior in the first year - getting caught snogging his ex girlfriend at a party, lying to me about meeting up with another girl and another incident not involving other females which I'd rather not go into. Let's just say, he wasn't an angel. I don't worry about any of this now, as it was a long time ago and we've both grown up a lot since then.

Of course I still want to be with him justmyview - we've got married and had children since then! We were 19, a lot has happened since.

SorryAndConfused Mon 02-Sep-13 21:59:14

At the time, I didn't realise we would end up married with children! Nor did he. Hence how be both behaved. I was childish, and part of it was possibly retaliation! Yes, extremely immature - but I was 19, I'm now 26 and much more mature. I don't see how either of our behaviour back then has any bearing on our current relationship.

GetStuffezd he is saying that it's not as bad that it was a woman!

kali110 Mon 02-Sep-13 21:59:21

Yabu. Doesnt matter what the gender is you cheated. It doesn't matter if oh would be more upset if it was with another man you still cheated and lied. Think you're lucky he isn't as unhappy as he would be with another man but it doesn't make you any less unreasonable.

WorraLiberty Mon 02-Sep-13 21:59:23

Yes but did you go into the marriage and have a child, knowing what he did in the first year?

Because he hasn't had that opportunity has he?

blueemerald Mon 02-Sep-13 22:01:07

I think it is cheating but his annoyance is hypocritical.

Hulababy Mon 02-Sep-13 22:01:17

SorryAndConfused - when did you know/find out about his behaviour in that first year? Was it before you agreed to marry him?

kali110 Mon 02-Sep-13 22:02:32

Doesnt matter also if it was when you first got together. I don't understand when people say that, yes you sidnt know you would get married and have kids but does that makr it ok to cheat?
Still think yabu even if he has cheated presumably youve known for a while?why weren't you honest aswel?
Just because he has cheated doesn't mean its right for you to do the same.

GetStuffezd Mon 02-Sep-13 22:03:35

Ok well let's take the gender out of the issue shall we?
"My husband is angry and upset because he's found out I was shagging someone else at the start of our marriage."

SorryAndConfused Mon 02-Sep-13 22:03:50

Yes it was. I'm not saying that I was right to lie, really I'm not. But I do think, that given the circumstances and history and the fact that I stood by him through a lot of stuff - he could be a little more lenient.

Part of me actually feels as though he's just glad he can be the pissed off one for the first time ever.

SorryAndConfused Mon 02-Sep-13 22:05:04

But HE is saying that the gender is relevant. That's what HE is saying, so it is hypocritical on his part to an extent.

GetStuffezd Mon 02-Sep-13 22:06:40

He might be hypocritical, but you shagged someone behind your husband's back.
I know I'm going on, but this is a sore subject for me (Partner cheated on me with men and used the pathetic gender argument as defence.)

It has bearing on your relationship now because he didn't know. If he had known, he would have processed it then. Now, he has to reevaluate his relationship with the new knowledge. Give him a chance.

Men have been trained to think that women having sexual encounters with other women is supposed to turn them on and be different to having sex with men. Actually, though, it is an intimate thing no matter who it is with. Apart from the obvious sexism and homophobia involved with the stereotypical viewpoint.

SorryAndConfused Mon 02-Sep-13 22:09:25

I'm really sorry GetStuffezd if I've been insensitive - genuinely.

And I am very sorry for lying, and I feel awful that he's upset. It's just nagging at me that he is fully admitting that while he is pissed off, he isn't going to leave me over it - whereas if it were a man, he'd be genuinely heartbroken. That's what is confusing for me.

kali110 Mon 02-Sep-13 22:10:20

Yes he was in wrong but you knew about his history was understandably pissed, but you carried on the relationship. You didnt admit your wrong doings. Think its hypocritical for you to be pissed with him when you've lied for so many years.

kali110 Mon 02-Sep-13 22:12:29

Plus if you forgave him then you cant say oh well he should be more lenient... Etc if you forgive it, you draw a line under it, you dont use it as an excuse for any of your bad behaviour or to win an argument

GetStuffezd Mon 02-Sep-13 22:12:51

You haven't been insensitive - I'm just a random on the internet so no need to apologise! grin BUT - I think it's a bit off to query the reaction of the "wronged" when you're the "wrongdoer."

SorryAndConfused Mon 02-Sep-13 22:13:09

Bit I'm not still pissed off with him kali - I haven't thought about it since 2007! At the time, I genuinely didn't consider it cheating - I didn't hide it because I thought he'd be angry, it was more out of embarrassment. And as an immature 19 year old, it was somewhere else to go when I was pissed off with him.

But I'm not the same person anymore, and neither is he. I gave him many chances, and so I guess I'm just hoping he won't hold this over me for too long. I am hiding my defensive feelings though, and being very apologetic as I am of course sad to have upset him.

SorryAndConfused Mon 02-Sep-13 22:14:25

I'm not querying his reaction to his face though, just on here - I wanted opinions, and I've got them. Clearly I was in the wrong and that's that. There just never seemed to be a good time to bring it up, to be honest!

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