To not want my mother in the delivery room

(72 Posts)
Chocolatehunter Mon 02-Sep-13 16:15:59

My Mother has weird ideas about people who scream when giving birth. When previously we've watched One born every minute, she's been very vocal and told me that women shouldn't scream in labour (she had a c section with me so I feel it's unfair for her to say this). She's also very skittish and would make me very nervous, she hates it if I've ever been ill and bombards me with phone calls/visits until I feel better. I had a headache on Thursday and bumped into my auntie on Friday who was surprised to see me up and walking after speaking to my mother who had made out I was at deaths door.

However, she's taken the idea of not being allowed into the room very badly, she's very upset, very emotional and won't speak to me without shouting at me. This would be her first grandchild and she relies on me a lot since my father passed away nearly 5 years ago, so she feels this is a betrayal. It's made her become uber competitive with my MIL and if we visit PIL she screams at me that I don't visit her, (I go out shopping with her almost every single weekend). I love my mother loads and I'm not going to distance myself from her because I'm all she has. Also, I have a very strong suspicion that she is bi-polar, which would explain a lot of her more random behaviour, but I don't know what to do.

Would it be easier to have her in the delivery room and have a quieter stress free pregnancy or should I not have her in the delivery room and possibly have a very stressful pregnancy?

theoriginalandbestrookie Mon 02-Sep-13 17:03:19

YANBU.
Make sure it's on your birth plan, bolded and tell any staff you see as soon as you meet them that you do not want her there. Then don't tell her until after the baby is born - simple.

I was struck by your feeling that it is an easier pregnancy by letting her vs a harder one by not letting her. It should not be that way for you. I hate to say it but this is all going to get much, much harder after the baby is born if you don't put some boundaries in place now. You will not have the time, energy or inclination to pander once the baby arrives.

LadyInDisguise Mon 02-Sep-13 17:04:19

Maybe it would be worth addressing the underlying issue instead, ie reassuring her that you will still be there for her after the birth.
She seems to be frightened of what will happen and it all comes out badly.

In that case, I would actually lie and say that only one birth partner is allowed in the delivery suite. But that she will be the first one to be told of the birth and the first one to see your dc (before MIL etc... if that doesn't create a lot of other problems!)

ModeratelyObvious Mon 02-Sep-13 17:07:42

YANBU.

Tell her it's hospital rules.

Was your gran at your birth?

showtunesgirl Mon 02-Sep-13 17:09:55

Honestly? Nip this in the bud NOW. If she thinks she has any say in how you give birth, she's going to be a nightmmare once the baby is actually here.

You need to establish your acceptable boundaries now.

DorisIsWaiting Mon 02-Sep-13 17:21:27

^^ this what showgirls said I was just coming to post the same.

If she thinks she can tell you what to do now what on earth is she going to be like when the baby arrives. You REALLY need to nip this in the bud.

PS You can love someone and be driven insane by them...it does not make you a bad person to need to manage how you respond to them.

KookyKitty Mon 02-Sep-13 17:31:24

YANBU!

I thought I had a high pain threshold until I gave birth. I ended up screaming and not caring who heard. At a stressful time like that the only people you need are the ones who can keep you calm and focused.

I had my sister with me and I'm so glad I did as she was brilliant and really helped me get through what turned out to be a very difficult birth.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Mon 02-Sep-13 17:43:57

YANBU - and it worries me that your relationship with your mother is so intense. You have nothing at all to feel guilty about - does your mother often manipulate you like this? It may well be that she is bipolar, in which case she needs understanding and the treatment that her condition requires. However, that does not negate your right to have the birth you want/choose. Gosh, if you can't choose who's there when you give birth, a pretty vulnerable position to be in in anyone's book, when can you choose?!

(And I say that as someone who is 7 months PG, lives overseas and who is flying her mum in to look after toddler DD whilst I birth DC2 with DH alongside. There is no way my mum would demand to be there in DH's place!)

zatyaballerina Mon 02-Sep-13 18:09:24

yanbu, you need someone who will make you feel as comfortable and relaxed as possible. Your birth partner can make a huge difference to the labour which can affect the interventions you may need. Keep saying no.

quoteunquote Mon 02-Sep-13 18:33:07

durring one of my labours, I asked the midwife and husband to go and tell the awful woman in the next room to shut the fuck up keep the noise down a bit as her high pitched squeal was really getting on my nerves,

turns out it was me,

I sort of went off to a different place, totally unaware of the noise I was making, it just a form of release,

but all mine were the wrong way round so it smarted a bit, except the last one(DD) she knew what she was doing, the boys all refused to turn.

Sit her down give her a large slice of cake, when she takes the first bite, say, "Mum I love you, but you are not coming into the delivery room, and please stop stressing me out, it worrying me".

and stick her on here

and leave her to it.

quoteunquote Mon 02-Sep-13 18:34:40

it's

and tell the baby is here after you have had a few days hours alone.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Mon 02-Sep-13 18:37:06

Do not have your Mother in the delivery room - this is a moment between you and your husband, and she needs to learn her place in your family is going to be after your husband and child.

And I would cut the every weekend shopping down gradually so that she is used to less attention when the baby arrives.

JedwardScissorhands Mon 02-Sep-13 18:43:34

The resentment that follows from behaviour around the birth of a child lingers for a very long time. I read that on here once and it really is true. If you have her in the delivery room when you really don't want her there, it will be more harmful to your relationship than giving in to placate her over this.

Snatchoo Mon 02-Sep-13 18:45:05

My mum and sister dubbed me a prude as I didn't want my mum in the delivery room confused I still don't get why tbh!

YANBU. Do whatever YOU want.

LookingThroughTheFog Mon 02-Sep-13 18:45:20

I had a similar issue with MIL wanting to be in the room. I'd previously said only DH, and if I ran into difficulties Mum too. To MIL, this sounded like she was the favoured grandmother, whereas to my mind, I needed the person who would best support me.

Anyhow, after hearing 'I don't see why not!' one too many times, I returned with; 'because it's my vagina, and as such, I get to say who sees it.'

She didn't ask again. I think she'd basically forgotten that it would be a hugely personal time for me, and that it was my body that it was all happening to. I had become, for a mercifully short time, just the external shell of her grandchild. I'm not saying the same will work with your mum, but perhaps it's worth reminding her.

As far as not screaming goes - a midwife told me not to as I was directing my energy out rather than down. But that was me. If you want to scream, then go for it. You could always add to your mum; 'but you don't like the screaming. I don't want you to be traumatised by any noise I might make, and I'm not going to be able to sensor myself for you.'

ChasedByBees Mon 02-Sep-13 18:47:24

If you feel inhibited or stressed during labour, then it can negatively affect how it progresses. It could actually put you and your child in danger by inhibiting labour. Do not have her in the room.

Everlong I very much noticed who was in the room and how irritating / unhelpful they were for all 32 hours of it.

Fakebook Mon 02-Sep-13 18:51:20

Yanbu. Is she a Scientologist?

There's nothing better than a good scream during labour. Or a good pinch/bite. Poor DH had a bruise on his upper thigh near his balls where I dug my head in and took a bite and screamed, towards the end of labour with DS. smile

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat Mon 02-Sep-13 18:54:51

I personally wouldn't have told her about the plan of not having her in to be honest.

Then I would've 'gone into labour' and it was all a rush and you forgot your phone so you couldn't call her until the baby came out. Then call her straight away (3 hours later) and she could've got all excited about her new grandchild.

Probably wouldn't work now, but that would've been my plan.

I do feel for you OP.

My Mum was nearby and luckily was very helpful, albeit a bit of a worrywart. My partner however, is the epitome of calm with the right mix of concern and supportive when I ended up needing an EMCS.

How long have you got left?

Perhaps if you state you really, really want your partner there because you feel like it is traditional/the right of the father to see the baby first/insert another reason here?

Saffyz Mon 02-Sep-13 18:58:52

YANBU. It's your decision, so please don't let her push her way in if it's not what you've chosen.

TeenyW123 Mon 02-Sep-13 19:00:51

Was your mum at the conception? No? Then she doesn't have to be at the birth!

Teeny

Lethologica Mon 02-Sep-13 19:07:18

What does your DH think. My DH would have quite rightly not wanted my DM in the room. (Lovely though she is).

adagio Mon 02-Sep-13 19:37:57

YADNBU Just to agree with most posters here.

FWIW I was extremely aware who was around me. Just DH and the most lovely, peaceful midwife popping in every half hour or so (she did stick around for the actual delivery and stitches). I did tell a student MW who popped in to F off, luckily I was in the middle of a contraction so I think it was assumed I didn't mean it (I did, I wanted to be on my own!).

I had the statistically unlikely perfect birth :-) Due I think in part to my antenatal Daisy Birthing classes, reading Ina May Gaskin, and more importantly deciding how I wanted to do it. It was lovely (I am partly sharing this to balance the horror stories you may pick up!). I actually didn't scream at all, I moaned a bit - but I would have screamed if I had wanted to and the key thing for me was privacy and no need for any inhibitions.

Good Luck and be strong - I also agree it will be harder post birth to manage a high maintenance mum. You are much better dealing with it now - high maintenance mum/stress AND no sleep after your new bundle arrives will be infinitely worse than stress now.

firesidechat Mon 02-Sep-13 19:50:06

I'm going to be a gm fairly soon and my daughter and her husband have just had a guided tour of the brand new and apparently very plush birthing suite (NHS, not private). She told me that family members can attend the birth as well as partners and then said that she "wasn't too not sure about that" in a very hmm tone and I just laughed. No way would I consider it ok to gate crash a very special experience between her and her husband.

Your mum has no right to be there unless you and your husband want it that way.

By the way screaming isn't inevitable. I didn't scream, but moaned for England, mainly about wanting to go home and do this another day. Needless to say everyone just ignored me. The screams from the other rooms were amazing though, so I may just be a bit weird.

thebody Mon 02-Sep-13 20:57:50

totally agree with Amothersplaceisintheroom.

you need to withdraw a little now as when baby comes you don't want to shop every weekend with her or have her every weekend.

I do feel so sorry for her loosing your dad but YOU are the important one here. NOT her.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful Mon 02-Sep-13 21:12:28

Do NOT let her attend the labour, I'm sure it would be a wonderful experience for her unless she stresses you out so much you need a EMCS but it isn't about her.

Best of luck after the birth, I agree with the other posters it might be best to set some boundaries now. She might no want to leave your side once her gc arrives.

LostMarbles99 Mon 02-Sep-13 21:32:26

How strange!

Why would she even think she would be there?

Having a baby is not a spectator sport; mother and father of the baby only in this house.

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