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To call the police about my own family?

(87 Posts)
Famzilla Mon 02-Sep-13 13:33:05

I have posted some threads here about my incredibly toxic and abusive mother and how I am trying to go NC after a blowout Infront of my DD. It's a long long story but basically the whole time I'm NC with her my entire family won't talk to me either. It is something I have come to accept.

She hasn't gone quietly and keeps messaging me like nothing has happened.

When my nan died (from my biological fathers side, so nothing to do with our current family set up) she left me a lot of expensive jewellery. DM has always kept this in a safe as I couldn't be trusted not to sell it. Ridiculous as I'm in a professional job and get by just fine. This isn't a stealth boast or anything but I have quite a lot in savings so really don't need to sell it!

Anyways I asked for it back the other day. She has lost the key and has better things to do than find it apparently. Fine. She then messages me a few days later asking if I want some stuff she has bought for DD ( she always does this, she is incredibly generous as a way of getting you back 'on side' so to speak)

I say that the jewellery is more important and that we need to figure out how to open the safe. You see, DP and I are getting married in 6 weeks and I really wanted to wear my nans wedding ring. DM doesn't know we're getting married as she shit all over our original wedding plans so we're just doing it our way. 2 witnesses, nice lunch afterwards etc.

Anyways, she has unleashed a torrent of abuse. Saying that if I'm going to be petty she wants everything she has ever given us back. Including Christmas presents, DD's pram, cot, everything. And the dog. (we took the dog from her because she was breeding it to death and admitted she couldn't take care of her properly as her other dogs were attacking her. We adore our dog but she cost us £1000's in vet bills & getting her spayed etc so I really wouldn't view her as a gift)

She is saying that my dad will drive round and take everything. I have no doubt that he will, my family have form for doing stuff like this. I am terrified.

I know this is all very Jeremy Kyle.

My SF and DB have been texting me the most horrendous abuse all morning. Both outlining how much they've always hated me and how DM was the only one that made them be civil to me. I havent replied but it just keeps coming. I'm just sat here in tears.

Now, my point is.. Can they come and take all my things? It was all a gift. I'm so terrified they will come down here and smash doors to get to things. I'm scared they'll hurt me Infront of DD.

Can I call the police? Will they let them take things because they bought it? They won't come right now, they'll just turn up at a random time soon.

Sorry this is all so jumbled.

HerrenaHarridan Mon 02-Sep-13 14:06:04

No they cannot legally enter you house an take "their" gifts back.

If they were trying to claim you had stolen them, they would have to go through the police. If they admit they have given them to you then legally they are yours (this is very clear under law having been tested many times in the case of engagement rings )

Is the dog chipped and registered to you? If so don't worry, if not do it now.

Not only would I whole heartedly recommend calling 999 if they turn up and try an force entry. I would recommend calling 101 now and explaining the situation and asking for their advice re prosecuting you mother for theft of your jewellery.
Was she legally holding it in trust for you as a minor? Breaching the position of trustee of inheritance is taken quite seriously and if she hasn't already sold it she will hopefully return it sharpish when she realises the law is on your side.

I'm sorry your going through this and I'm going to tell your heart what your head already knows...

Anyone who chooses to side with your mother and cut you out for going nc with her is better off out of your life any way.

To be quite honest in your shoes I would w seriously considering, resolving this jeweller issue as beat as possible an moving town with no forwarding address!

You do not deserve to be treated like this ad your children do not deserve to be exposed to these people

LegoLegoEverywhere Mon 02-Sep-13 14:06:51

Im in a similar situation Famzilla. My trigger was having children too. I think the natural love and lioness-type protection felt for my DCs over rode my conditioning. I'm so glad it did even though I lost virtually all of my family despite only going no contact with her.

Good on you for not giving in. Try the police, yes the likelihood is that you've lost your jewelry to your malicious mother, but its definitely worth a shot!

FondantNancy Mon 02-Sep-13 14:13:43

How utterly shit. Regrettably I also think you'll need to let go of the jewellery (although this would make me so mad). If she hasn't already sold it your mother will relish the battle it'll take for you to retrieve it.

So glad you're doing your wedding your way (remember your other thread), it'll be a lovely day.

Jewelledkaleidoscope Mon 02-Sep-13 14:19:24

Oh you poor thing.

Solicitors appointment, 101 pronto

Famzilla Mon 02-Sep-13 14:20:25

Oh I give up with that bloody spelling!

I vaguely remember my grandad writing a list of what jewellery I had, and obviously the will itself says the jewellery was to be left to me and my cousin. My grandad is still alive, albeit in the early stages of dementia but he was exceptionally good at paperwork so hopefully it will be documented somewhere.

That's a relief about the dog, I couldn't live with myself if she went back there. Shut in a small room all day with 4 other dogs attacking her and no walks.

EasyMark Mon 02-Sep-13 14:20:59

Turn phone off
lock the door
call the police
Make an appointment with a lawyer for a restriction order to stop them contacting you or coming in so meny meters of you.
Also change phone number and get caller id
If you rent move house/town
Do not let your dd anywhere near them ever.

Famzilla Mon 02-Sep-13 14:32:10

Right, DP is home now and the doors are all locked.

DP wants to go down to the police station and talk to someone. Is that even possible? I think I should just call 101.

Should I reply to any of these threats with a warning that if they come the police will be called? In my head in hoping it would put them off but I feel it would just open me up to more abuse.

I'm just so terrified they will come when DP is at work and hurt me whilst I'm holding DD. She's only 5mo so wouldn't know what was going on but there is no way I could defend myself against my brother (who I suspect would hurt me).

I think I might send the dog to my best friends for a few days. The thing is she would willingly get in a car with them (obviously).

Sorry, I'm waffling.

burberryqueen Mon 02-Sep-13 14:35:59

they cannot enter the house without your permission can they?
I mean does your brother or anyone else have a key? if he does, change the locks.
honestly I think you might look into getting an injunction out against them if that is your worry
if your partner wants to go to the police station, then go with him.
I don't think you should reply at all, just save them as evidence for the police.

Badvoc Mon 02-Sep-13 14:37:28

Solicitor.
Get an injunction.
Log the threats,
Give copies/show them to the police.

Thurlow Mon 02-Sep-13 14:38:11

If you're scared that they will actually hurt you, please please call 101 now and ask if an officer can come out and see you today and give you advice. If you are that scared then it might even be possible to get a restraining order? (I don't know the ins and outs but it could be worth discussing).

Change the locks. Get a bloody great bolt and chain as well.

ceebie Mon 02-Sep-13 14:42:25

Don't reply to any threats. Would you consider texting your Mum to say not to worry about the jewellery? Would that calm her down at all, since that seems to be where it all started? I'm fairly sure she's sold the jewellery and is being abusive you you as she's panicking that she's about to be found out.

Do get advice from the police. Don't threaten your family with the police though - just be ready to call them if needed.

Famzilla Mon 02-Sep-13 14:48:59

They don't have a key, but they would smash the door down with force. Or smash the glass in our French doors.

I'm not even thinking of a worse case scenario there, they have done it before.

I think we are going to go to the nearest police station now and say that we are being threatened and ask to talk to someone. That way I will be able to show them everything that is being said.

Then I will block them on Facebook, I know it's bad but I really don't want to delete it as I use it to keep in touch with friends that have gone travelling. I could just email them I know, but I like Facebook. Is there a way you can block people from contacting you on your mobile?

Unfortunately we can't move, this is our house and we have a lot of money tied up in it. However we are in a really close knit neighbourhood, which makes me feel safe. I do feel that if they did show up that my neighbours would confront them somehow.

Famzilla Mon 02-Sep-13 14:50:21

It's beyond saying "don't worry about the jewellery". I don't want to write down what she is saying to me but I would struggle to say that to my worst enemy, put it that way.

Badvoc Mon 02-Sep-13 14:51:15

You don't need facebook.
They can track your movements on it.
Change our phone numbers. Not hard.
Go to the police station and report all this.
Make sure it's all logged and then get a solicitor appt.

burberryqueen Mon 02-Sep-13 14:51:36

OK you really need the police on board go there now.
i am not sure how to block mobile numbers but i believe there is a way.

Badvoc Mon 02-Sep-13 14:52:41

Did your report the violence and damage to your home last time?

burberryqueen Mon 02-Sep-13 14:53:28

just change your mobile number and 'deactivate' fb - people you really want to keep in touch with can have your new number and a skype address.

toomuchtoask Mon 02-Sep-13 14:53:39

I would phone the police on 101 for advice. The minute they turn up at the house (if they do) then phone 999.

Get a solicitor to send a letter to say the jewellery must be returned via the solicitors and that all contact must cease unless it comes via your solicitor.

Don't be scared. The police won't let them do anything to you.

Is moving in the future a possibility so literally ALL contact can stop and they no longer know where you are?

Cravey Mon 02-Sep-13 14:54:39

Firstly this is harassment and you need to take legal advice on that and the jewellery. Send a cease and desist letter to your family via a lawyer to stop the messages. With the jewellery was it left to you in a will, an actual legal will of so ask lawyer to draft another letter asking for it back or you will be taking further action. Re the messages call 101 but don't expect them to do a lot other than log it. That in itself is a help though because if they turn up you call 999 and it will be a faster response time to you. Make sure you keep copies of every message.

BobbyGentry Mon 02-Sep-13 14:56:40

I would write off the jewellery, sorry, as it's being used as a form of control.

I would also gather up many of the possessions that were 'gifts' and return them.

Then change number and locks and start afresh; without fear.

Hard times ahead, sorry, but it can (and should) get better if you're prepared to I intervene and stop all contact.

PumpkinPie2013 Mon 02-Sep-13 15:23:41

What a terrible situation for you sad they sound bloody awful!!!!

I agree with the others definitely call 101 and ask the police for advice in particular wrt to the threats they are making about coming round to your house. Explain as well that there are times you are by yourself with your baby. If anyone comes round (even if it looks as if they are not trying to force entry or anything) don't open the door and call 999 immediately and tell them there are people attempting to break into your home.

Do you have a neighbour you can trust? If so, can you ask them to listen/look out for anyone coming round and if they see/hear anything at all to dial 999 for you (even if you do it yourself as well).

About your dog - yes perhaps asking your friend to have her for a few days may be a good idea just until you get yourself sorted out.

I would change mobile and house numbers and only give to people you can trust (but do keep any messages as evidence). Same with facebook - deactivate it and let your close friends know they can contact you on your new phone numbers for now.

I think you need to speak to a solicitor about the jewellery and also (and perhaps more importantly) about getting an injunction against your family to prevent them coming near you or your home or making any contact with you at all.

Best of luck - I hope things improve and enjoy your wedding xx

eatriskier Mon 02-Sep-13 15:36:51

Oh famzilla, she and they just get worse and worse.

You may find that you're waiting a while at the station. If it seems too much of a wait phone 101. Whatever you do ensure these threats are being recorded by the police.

If you want to keep facebook then do, but definitely block them. I've had to do the same with some of my family but I like it to stay in contact with my far flung friends so I do understand that.

Get a new mobile and house number. Your companies will normally allow you one change in circumstances like these for free.

Don't think twice about calling 999 if they come round. Don't wait for them to threaten you or break anything down. After their other threats (we've had similar made against us by a neighbour) the police's advice is to not engage and call 999 asap.

Also definitely ask the police about where you go regarding the jewellery. I think you may have to give up on the idea of using your nan's ring though which is very sad.

And finally, whatever you do, keep your DD away from these awful people.

AnotherStitchInTime Mon 02-Sep-13 15:56:01

Phone 101, they will send someone round. That way someone will be there, they may try to enter while you are at the Police station. That way you can show them the FB messages and texts as documentary evidence of their abuse and harassment.

Phone 999 if they turn up.

You may be able to legally get the jewellery back with a long a protracted fight if it is mentioned in your grandmother's will but do you really want to deal with the repercussions of that in the long run?

IAmNotAMindReader Mon 02-Sep-13 16:06:32

With regards to the jewellery it seems like you can produce a detailed list of what should be yours. What you do about it from now though depends on how much it has become a symbol of you making a stand against their ways.

You could, if it has gone, have your mother prosecuted for theft.

As for the here and now. Ring 101 or go down but speak to someone asap and explain that it is very likely they will turn up and very likely they will become abusive, threatening and cause significant damage to property.

Gifts are precisely that and can't be legally demanded back. The fact they were given as Christmas and birthday presents reinforces the idea they are gifts.

quoteunquote Mon 02-Sep-13 16:13:18

I would ring 101 and make a detailed report of what has been happening, get advice, and both of you keep the reference number handy, as it will speed up interaction with the police if they do turn up, the police can then see the back story quickly without you having to go over it,

is the dog chipped, it will be fine anyway as you have been looking after her and paying bills, if she is not chipped, go and get her done, ring the local rescue centre sometimes they do it cheaper instantly.

Congratulations on your wedding, smart move keeping the toxic people out,

start legal proceeding to get the jewellery back go and see the CAB, I suspect it may of already been sold, but if you do get her prosecuted for stealing it, it will keep her away with an injunction for threatening behaviour,

babies are often a trigger for ceasing to tolerate toxic abuse.

Focus on the good things, your baby and husband, and the negative will have to fade away eventually.

Your Nan would be really pleased you are doing positive things, she will be there with you.

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