ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Apologies - another PILS one(58 Posts)
I am 36+4 with first baby. Without wanting to drip feed, DH works away (4 weeks away & 4 weeks at home). Earlier on in pregnancy, DH 'had a word' with PILS due at least 4 to 5 times a week to their constant phoning, calling around unannounced and if there was no answer (ie I was at work which is pretty common for someone who works full time!) they backed off a slight touch.
However, I am moving to my mums to have the baby for a variety of reasons and they have reverted back to the constant fucking calling. If I don't answer or not in, they phone my DH. He then tries to keep the peace and asks me to phone them. I am hormonal, slightly erratic and on the verge of kicking their front door in to tell them to mins their own f*%#ing business and to stop 'suggesting' names to me and asking if I've had any twinges and telling me what I should/shouldn't do etc
They're going to be on holiday for the actual arrival if the baby die to them booking last year and now they're threatening to cancel it because they want to be here.
Please tell me, AIBU and simply hormonal and slightly stressed or are they a pair of cranks? Advice will be welcomed!!!
rebecca i was thinking that yesterday while reading a thread about an U MIL. There are the old traditional MIL jokes from men -
but no, i bet there aren't many guys out there struggling with being told how to bring their children up/when to be home/what to eat/how shit they are at their job - which is what women seem to expected to swallow from their husbands mothers.
OP - i second the idea that this is an issue which needs to be sorted now.
I very much admire the assertiveness of posters like shedwood - but if you're anything like me, as attractive as the idea is to just tell them straight, the reality is too much!
I think you should
a) Tell your husband that you are not going to respond to all their calls. And that if they ring him to say you're not answering then you don't want to hear about it.
b) Agree with your DH that when you are next in their company you'll find a way TOGETHER to say you are both feeling under pressure from them. Work it out as you go along as to what to say. You can site the phone calls/the pram stuff/the questions about where you are ... It will be hard. But it may not be a big shrieking competition.
Oh FFS notanyanymore, there is a big bloody difference between giving a shit about your granchild, and ramming your presence down your pregnant DILs throat. I have lovely PILs, I'm very lucky. They are quite involved with us, our DD, and our imminent DD2. However, they do not pester, hound or harass me. If they did I WOULD have a problem with it, and rightly so.
Babycino, YANBU, I hope you manage to get this sorted out amicably, and soon.
To be honest if my parents or in laws had spoken to my husband about something (in this case the holiday) I imagine they would assume that he had then spoken to me about it and wouldn't feel the need to speak to each of us separately. We're a couple after all!
I think they are struggling to see where their "place" will be in any relationship with their grandchild. Going to your mum's to have the baby probably reinforces this - they may be feeling a bit left out so unfortunately are over compensating and as a result you feel smothered. Try not to be too hard on them though. I'm sure it's done with love. And the texts just show lack of imagination in what to say!
My mother adopts men as surrogate children no matter what their age, but treats women coming into our family with barely disguised distrust until they prove themselves.
I think it is a generational thing that will hopefully die a death with us.
It does seem as though women get alot more crap from their inlaws than men do.
I doubt that a male version of mumsnet would be full of men moaning that their MIL is always phoning them, even the ones who don't work.
Why do so many people expect women to be the ones keen to spend hours on the phone rather than just phoning their son when he gets home from work?
I feel your pain OP. Six years since I had my youngest and my oldest is 10 but I remember it well. I don't know what the answer is. Maybe all men who can't stand up to their parents should be made to get pregnant, and then we unleash our parents on them with dramatic demands and phone calls lol. It does get better. Eventually.
There will be the mother of all rows but if you stand your ground now (and yes, be the bitch) then it will stop. They will talk about you behind your back, but the probably do that anyway and who cares as long as your boundaries are in place?
The issue is your DH. Sounds like your FIL knows how to bully him, so you need to take the lead. When he agrees with you that they are being OTT you need to make sure that he sees it through. Let him blame you if it helps, because he clearly struggles to stand up to his parents, let him "I know....but Babycino wants X so...." It will be hard for him to change a life long dynamic overnight, so you need to take one for the team on this.
The thing you need to remember is that their need to see the baby will always outweigh any feelings they have against you, so use that to your advantage.
There is a world of happy medium between demanding your DIL answer constant phone calls and checking here whereabouts (and pram choices) on the one hand, and not giving a toss on the other. OP's PIL are signally failing to hit that happy medium, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with the OP trying to get them to realise that.
Equally, OP doesn't have to go nuclear, but then she isn't suggesting she will. At any rate, her concerns and irritation are not unreasonable, they're completely understandable.
I think notanymore is being deliberately obtuse. Can't see any other way you would reconcile being a caring grandparent with causing undue stress to a pregnant DIL.
There is a sensible middle ground to being an MIL notanymore that most MILs manage to tread. That involves neither ignoring your son and DIL or hounding them constantly with phone calls and requests for visits and to be visited and expecting to always get your own way.
If my son has kids I hope I'll remember what it's like to be heavily pregnant/ a new mum and back off if my son or DIL tell me I'm being a bit overpowering rather than having a huff.
I also hope I'll still have my own job and interests and won't be expecting them to be my sole source of entertainment.
Trying to be involved is fair enough, but if my son told me I was trying to hard and being a nuicance I hope I'd take the hint.
If parents want to be good grandparents they HAVE to do it on the parent's terms. Trying to push and push to get things the way they want it won't work. There are years to build a good relationship with your grandchildren, you don't have to go mental in the first few weeks.
OP - I would like to add that my MIL is a fantastic Grandmother to my DC. I have no contact with her but I have tried to make their relationship with her the best it can be. My point is that if I could go back and change our relationship, I would. I was too weak and she was too pushy.
I hope it works out for you.
Nottanymore- thanks for your really cuntish post after everyone has been helpful with objective advice which is what I needed. It's not about them 'giving a shit' , I asked for advice as I don't want any difficulties in them having a great relationship with their grandchild when he/she is born as they will be great grandparents and its important my child has the opportunity to have good relationships with grandparents without me and them falling out.
Hope that makes it clearer for you.
Poor you op, its so hard when people deign to give a shit about that 'their grandchildren' isn't it? And oh my god have they not realised by now that just because 'their son' ( like thats relevant to someone having a baby!) is going to be a father does not mean they can try to be involved! They should have had girls if they were bothered by such things! Hopefully you will only have daughters
I really is a good idea to have the "row/falling out/no contact/we're all friends now and we understand your boundaries" chat sooner rather than after your baby is here.
I was young and naive and I let my MIL walk all over me until my DS was a few days old. What tipped me over the edge was MIL "borrowing"
stealing our camera that had all our newborn pictures, getting prints and passing them around my family and friends before I had even left the hospital! I didn't know I could have such RAGE!! It has damaged our relationship and I am no longer in contact with her.
Good luck OP.
Once again, MN'ers wisdom never fails to motivate me. Will speak to DH and then PILs and update when I have.
Thank you all for reading and for your help, I no longer feel like I'm losing it! X
Mitzyme More like, thank fuck you're a normal/amazing MIL. Most MILs are lovely. Those that aren't have DIL who post on MN to vent.
YY to this! --> "Oh, lovey, just have the row now, it will be so much better than having it once the baby is here, you are stressing madly about whatever and your fanjo hurts like billy-o."
Something along the lines of:
If you don't calm down and respect our boundaries, you're going to alienate us and damage our relationship for good - this will mean you see a lot less of us and the baby.
Please stop the constant phonecalls and checking up on us. If we don't reply, send a text. If we don't reply to that, WAIT. We will get back to you in our own time.
At the moment you are hounding Babycino, and the baby isn't even here yet. We will need time on our own as a family once the baby arrives.
Please don't come over without arranging it with us first.
Thank fuck I have the most amazing son-in -law and daughter- in -law ever!
You have got to put your foot down. And if they have a key for your home, get it back.
And that thing about the pram. I would have properly lost the plot.
Oh, lovey, just have the row now, it will be so much better than having it once the baby is here, you are stressing madly about whatever and your fanjo hurts like billy-o.
I'm not suggesting you set out to have a row, but be as firm and clear as necessary to get the message across. Don't do one word answers (bit teenage) stay very much in adult mode and tell them contact has to suit you as well as them, that they have not respected your space or your needs and things are going to have to change.
And yes, your DH has to stop being so weedy about it all.
Have you tried doing the "I'm worried you're going senile" move?
Day 1) they call, you have your usual chat then say "I've got a busy week this week, so don't worry about calling me; I'll call you if there's any developments.
Day 2) they call, you say "did you not remember I said I'll call you if there's any news? Perhaps you should put a note by the phone to remind you.
Day 3) they call. You say "now, you're starting to worry me - not only did you not remember that you weren't supposed to be calling me this week, you've also forgotten to write yourself a note about it. When the baby comes we won't be able to leave forgetful nanny and grandad alone with him/her will we? You might forget something important next time. Have you seen a doctor about your memory problems?"
Day 4) no phone call (hopefully)
It's a bit mean, but it gets the message across.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
In that case perhaps you should tell them bluntly to back off and that you like your privacy. Yes you might upset them but at the moment you're upset. It's their turn to be upset for a change. I'd stop being in as much and would tell your husband to tell them plainly to mind their own business and stop hassling you if they phone him.
I'm glad I work with tales like this, but suspect anyone hounding me like this would have been told to stop it early on and I'd have ended up getting quite angry and insisting on moving further away.
DH has to man up and not let himself get emotionally blackmailed.
The pram checking thing is strange. I don't have any further advice other than continue to set boundaries and be really firm and get your DH on board. You really have to because (sorry) it WILL get worse once the baby is here.
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