ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Apologies - another PILS one(58 Posts)
I am 36+4 with first baby. Without wanting to drip feed, DH works away (4 weeks away & 4 weeks at home). Earlier on in pregnancy, DH 'had a word' with PILS due at least 4 to 5 times a week to their constant phoning, calling around unannounced and if there was no answer (ie I was at work which is pretty common for someone who works full time!) they backed off a slight touch.
However, I am moving to my mums to have the baby for a variety of reasons and they have reverted back to the constant fucking calling. If I don't answer or not in, they phone my DH. He then tries to keep the peace and asks me to phone them. I am hormonal, slightly erratic and on the verge of kicking their front door in to tell them to mins their own f*%#ing business and to stop 'suggesting' names to me and asking if I've had any twinges and telling me what I should/shouldn't do etc
They're going to be on holiday for the actual arrival if the baby die to them booking last year and now they're threatening to cancel it because they want to be here.
Please tell me, AIBU and simply hormonal and slightly stressed or are they a pair of cranks? Advice will be welcomed!!!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
This would drive me crazy. I'm another one who suggests you deal with this now before they start drowning you, once the baby arrives.
I think you might have to have a conversation with the ils yourself, because clearly dh isn't getting the point across. Be honest and tell them that they won't need a car seat as the baby will be with you and you have one already. Tell them that you know they are excited but you will call them when there is something to say - the constant phone calls are not helpful and are driving you mad.
Sometimes it's best to be honest and to remember that if they are not worried about offending you, then you should be less worried about offending them!
Your husband needs to sort this. My MIL got up to a crazed 5 phonecalls a day when I was pregnant with our twins. Tell you what, there's not a lot interesting you can find to chat about with that much contact. I told my husband how close I was to hiring a hitman and he told her to stop ringing full stop, to send a text if it was urgent and that I would ring her back when it suited me. That arrangement has stuck, so now if I miss her call I'll get a follow up text saying something like 'I was just wondering if I could buy ice creams in for the girls when you come up in 5 months time' and I know it's not an emergency and we can discuss it some time in a future phonecall.
I don't think you need to be hormonal to be annoyed at frantic phonecalls every day!
Are you normally 'friendly' with them?
If you would find their company enjoyable without hormonal pregnancy stuff then I would be generous to them and try and make it okay.
If under normal circumstances you tolerate them then I would put your foot down. A baby has to be shared. It is however your pregnancy and it is fair enough that they back off.
Your husband is the problem here then in not telling his parents to stop hounding you with endless phonecalls and that he will phone them when the baby arrives and to stop hassling you as you don't want endless phone calls just because you are pregnant as you still have things to do and don't like talking on the phone.
Suspect I'd be turning all the ringers off and telling my husband that's what I'll do as I'm not enjoying being harassed...
After I had DD my in laws plagued us, sorry I know how awful that is for a DIL to say. They were excited but they were impacting negatively on my recovery from a section and my bonding with my daughter. FIL kept going on -- and on-- about how wonderful SIL was with her and he arrived on his own daily into visit me in the hospital while I was really struggling with bf. The whole family came every evening including the revisiting FIL. it drove me mad and we had to set boundaries. It is great to have excited grandparents and they are a wonderful asset to any grand children but still in late pregnancy and soon after the birth is a time to respect the mother and babies needs so OP I would start the ball rolling with your DH about setting the boundaries now so they do not go crazy after thee baby is born.
I have spoken to DH at length, over the past couple of years re: this. The main problem being is that if I don't answer the phone immediately (they don't wait for me to ring back) then they phone him and say we're worried, she's never around etc and he has spoken to them about it but it has clearly not sunk in. If I do answer, they say 'are you in? We're on our way round now'. If I'm not in I get 50 questions about where I am, what doing who with etc. in the past I have been quite sharp with them an replied with one word, non description answers and then they phone DH, say how upset they are because I'm in a mood with them am they don't know why. They come round but I have little to talk to them about so when the pregnancy was announced, they have been very kind and I want them involved, it's their grandchild. However, when I went to collect my pram from the shop, the assistant had told me that my PILs had been in to check what pram I was getting. He could also tell me where I'm from, what DH does for a living and where I work. They don't see anything wrong with this behaviour and this is what is stressing me out. If they do this now, what will they be like when the baby is here? Any opportunity I've had to put boundaries in place has resulted in DH being emotionally blackmailed and feeling guilty so despite him trying and me trying, it feels slightly fruitless.
The pram checking thing is strange. I don't have any further advice other than continue to set boundaries and be really firm and get your DH on board. You really have to because (sorry) it WILL get worse once the baby is here.
In that case perhaps you should tell them bluntly to back off and that you like your privacy. Yes you might upset them but at the moment you're upset. It's their turn to be upset for a change. I'd stop being in as much and would tell your husband to tell them plainly to mind their own business and stop hassling you if they phone him.
I'm glad I work with tales like this, but suspect anyone hounding me like this would have been told to stop it early on and I'd have ended up getting quite angry and insisting on moving further away.
DH has to man up and not let himself get emotionally blackmailed.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Have you tried doing the "I'm worried you're going senile" move?
Day 1) they call, you have your usual chat then say "I've got a busy week this week, so don't worry about calling me; I'll call you if there's any developments.
Day 2) they call, you say "did you not remember I said I'll call you if there's any news? Perhaps you should put a note by the phone to remind you.
Day 3) they call. You say "now, you're starting to worry me - not only did you not remember that you weren't supposed to be calling me this week, you've also forgotten to write yourself a note about it. When the baby comes we won't be able to leave forgetful nanny and grandad alone with him/her will we? You might forget something important next time. Have you seen a doctor about your memory problems?"
Day 4) no phone call (hopefully)
It's a bit mean, but it gets the message across.
Oh, lovey, just have the row now, it will be so much better than having it once the baby is here, you are stressing madly about whatever and your fanjo hurts like billy-o.
I'm not suggesting you set out to have a row, but be as firm and clear as necessary to get the message across. Don't do one word answers (bit teenage) stay very much in adult mode and tell them contact has to suit you as well as them, that they have not respected your space or your needs and things are going to have to change.
And yes, your DH has to stop being so weedy about it all.
You have got to put your foot down. And if they have a key for your home, get it back.
And that thing about the pram. I would have properly lost the plot.
Thank fuck I have the most amazing son-in -law and daughter- in -law ever!
YY to this! --> "Oh, lovey, just have the row now, it will be so much better than having it once the baby is here, you are stressing madly about whatever and your fanjo hurts like billy-o."
Something along the lines of:
If you don't calm down and respect our boundaries, you're going to alienate us and damage our relationship for good - this will mean you see a lot less of us and the baby.
Please stop the constant phonecalls and checking up on us. If we don't reply, send a text. If we don't reply to that, WAIT. We will get back to you in our own time.
At the moment you are hounding Babycino, and the baby isn't even here yet. We will need time on our own as a family once the baby arrives.
Please don't come over without arranging it with us first.
Mitzyme More like, thank fuck you're a normal/amazing MIL. Most MILs are lovely. Those that aren't have DIL who post on MN to vent.
Once again, MN'ers wisdom never fails to motivate me. Will speak to DH and then PILs and update when I have.
Thank you all for reading and for your help, I no longer feel like I'm losing it! X
I really is a good idea to have the "row/falling out/no contact/we're all friends now and we understand your boundaries" chat sooner rather than after your baby is here.
I was young and naive and I let my MIL walk all over me until my DS was a few days old. What tipped me over the edge was MIL "borrowing"
stealing our camera that had all our newborn pictures, getting prints and passing them around my family and friends before I had even left the hospital! I didn't know I could have such RAGE!! It has damaged our relationship and I am no longer in contact with her.
Good luck OP.
Poor you op, its so hard when people deign to give a shit about that 'their grandchildren' isn't it? And oh my god have they not realised by now that just because 'their son' ( like thats relevant to someone having a baby!) is going to be a father does not mean they can try to be involved! They should have had girls if they were bothered by such things! Hopefully you will only have daughters
Nottanymore- thanks for your really cuntish post after everyone has been helpful with objective advice which is what I needed. It's not about them 'giving a shit' , I asked for advice as I don't want any difficulties in them having a great relationship with their grandchild when he/she is born as they will be great grandparents and its important my child has the opportunity to have good relationships with grandparents without me and them falling out.
Hope that makes it clearer for you.
OP - I would like to add that my MIL is a fantastic Grandmother to my DC. I have no contact with her but I have tried to make their relationship with her the best it can be. My point is that if I could go back and change our relationship, I would. I was too weak and she was too pushy.
I hope it works out for you.
There is a sensible middle ground to being an MIL notanymore that most MILs manage to tread. That involves neither ignoring your son and DIL or hounding them constantly with phone calls and requests for visits and to be visited and expecting to always get your own way.
If my son has kids I hope I'll remember what it's like to be heavily pregnant/ a new mum and back off if my son or DIL tell me I'm being a bit overpowering rather than having a huff.
I also hope I'll still have my own job and interests and won't be expecting them to be my sole source of entertainment.
Trying to be involved is fair enough, but if my son told me I was trying to hard and being a nuicance I hope I'd take the hint.
If parents want to be good grandparents they HAVE to do it on the parent's terms. Trying to push and push to get things the way they want it won't work. There are years to build a good relationship with your grandchildren, you don't have to go mental in the first few weeks.
I think notanymore is being deliberately obtuse. Can't see any other way you would reconcile being a caring grandparent with causing undue stress to a pregnant DIL.
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