Serious Wedding One.

(188 Posts)
disguiseno1 Sun 01-Sep-13 17:17:09

Have nc for this. This could turn out quite long so apologies in advance.

Sister is getting married and has asked me to be maid of honour. I am thrilled even though dsis is a bit of a bridezilla. She asked me a couple of months ago and I have been helping her with wedding planning etc.

Dsis and i have different dads. Hers was my stepdad for a large part of my childhood. He was abusive, emotionally/mentally, physically and one sexual assualt (when i was 8) towards me. My dsis only got the emotional/mental abuse. Dsis is aware of what i suffered (although minimises/excuses such as he was drunk).

As soon as i turned 16 i left home and have no contact with him. Dsis has contact with him although i think it can be strained.

However it has transpired that she has asked him to give her away at her wedding. I was unaware of this up until this week (although don't know why i am surprised).

I am now in a difficult position. Basically i dont want to go. I dont want to have to be anywhere near him. He would probably have the hard neck to try and speak to me and id rather just not put myself in that position. AIBU to just drop out? I dont think dsis would be too understanding and it would probably ruin her day.

Any other questions just ask.

MrsCampbellBlack Sun 01-Sep-13 18:03:16

I think I'd pull out of being MOH and explain to your sister why.

However, I do have some sympathy for your sister, things are very difficult if you're the sibling of someone who was abused and it doesn't mean she doesn't still love her father. After all, people still often love the parent who abused them - albeit in a very complicated way.

I do think your sister should have talked about it with you though and she should totally understand if you feel you can't be involved. And I also feel for your mum, I mean I doubt she wants to be sharing space with him either.

I wonder if you could therefore just sit down with your sister and explain all this to her. But in no way should you put yourself in such an awful position just for the sake of your sister's wedding.

RandomMess Sun 01-Sep-13 18:03:27

So...

How do you think it's best to broach this with your sister, in person or letter? Either way I think you had best do it asap.

I'm glad the rest of the family will be understanding - you may find that you are not alone with your feelings about his attendance...

Inertia Sun 01-Sep-13 18:04:20

Yanbu. There is no way you should be forced to endure the presence of the man who abused you as a child.

Sounds like your sister has got carried away with the romance of wedding planning, and wants to pretend her dad is a normal loving dad rather than an abusive paedophile. Unfortunately , pretending he is a normal father won't make him so.

disguiseno1 Sun 01-Sep-13 18:05:05

I think a serious discussion with dsis is the only way forward. Just wanted to check that iwbu and shouldn't just suck it up for the sake of her wedding.

Vivacia Sun 01-Sep-13 18:09:17

I think you should consider counselling specifically for dealing with this decision. Personally I would go, but with certain conditions. For example that my sister understood my constraints, eg I wouldn't be in a photo with him and whilst reassuring her I won't make a fuss, absolutely no attempts at persuasion on the day would be tolerated. Also, I would make sure I had support in place/ coping strategies planned. A friend or partner there to be 100% on my side and to protect me would be essential.

AgentZigzag Sun 01-Sep-13 18:10:11

Anyone thinking you should 'suck up' having close contact with someone committing such serious offences against you, is totally wrong.

It's only a wedding.

MrsCampbellBlack Sun 01-Sep-13 18:10:38

Its just a wedding - its not life or death. Its a complex family situation and she must realise that - there is no way she is going to get the perfect family wedding.

I wonder if she's just in denial and skipping ahead with her perfect wedding plans and neglecting to look at the reality of her own family situation.

Good luck with the talk.

NoComet Sun 01-Sep-13 18:11:08

I think there are two sorts of keeping people happy. Keeping people happy because you feel you ought to to keep the peace or are scared and keeping the peace because you choose to.

If you choose to be your sisters MoH because you love and care about her, that is a positive choice.

One day, perhaps if she gets PG, perhaps due to some other life event, she will find herself considering her fathers behaviour and perhaps then you will be able to talk. But not while planning a wedding with all her family and her DPs family to consider. To expect her to do so is to punish her for what he did and non of us deserve to be punished for our parents sins.

rootatoot Sun 01-Sep-13 18:11:15

I'm sorry you are in this position. I find it hard to accept that anyone who has not suffered abuse, thankfully myself included, could say iyabu.

I think I'd try posting in relationships and see if you get some more knowledgeable or supportive advice there. Those saying they'd do xy or z on here, can't really say. It's just a massively personal and difficult thing to do. Get some rl help if you can. Can you be honest with sis? Say you're not pulling out yet but you don't know if you can cope. Tell her honestly why? I'd want to know if my sister was feeling so bad about something I was doing.

MissStrawberry Sun 01-Sep-13 18:13:36

YWNBU to drop out.

I don't know how she can expect you to stand at the altar with him. Actually I do. Because some fuckwits think SA is nothing but a grope and if it was years ago you should be over it now.

MissStrawberry Sun 01-Sep-13 18:16:31

PP you really need to explain your "funny side" comment as I and many others can't see one hmm.

mymagaret Sun 01-Sep-13 18:19:14

Absolutely do not go! Thats a disgusting request on your sisters behalf! My sister is my Half sister but i don't see it as half at all. If something so horrific had happened to either of us , we would be 100% together on never seeing him again.
It may be 'her' day , but this is your life and your mental wellbeing. Your family should be standing by you in whatever decision you make. The fact he is invited to her wedding is a shambles. Do what makes 'you' happy not everyone else.

Bowlersarm Sun 01-Sep-13 18:22:35

Surely, surely you would have expected her father to be at her wedding?

I can't believe it has come as such a shock to you.

FannyMcNally Sun 01-Sep-13 18:25:08

But she obviously didn't expect the fuckwit to have such a major part.

Bowlersarm Sun 01-Sep-13 18:27:28

But he's her father? OP didn't bother finding out who might be giving her sister away, if it wasn't her father?

Seems very strange to me.

disguiseno1 Sun 01-Sep-13 18:28:02

Bowler, I have said that I dont know why i am surprised. It only transpired last week as I asked who was giving her away and she said her dad. Tbh i hadn't really thought of it before but Ive had a week to think of the implications.

I dont see my dsis as a half sister, just a sis but said so more to let people understand that we dont have the same dad.

I think because she didn't bear the brunt of her dad she doesn't realise how bad it was.

Vivacia Sun 01-Sep-13 18:29:29

root said, Those saying they'd do xy or z on here, can't really say.

I said, "I would..." and I can really say. I also consciously said what I would do, as I felt the OP was asking for opinions (it is AIBU).

disguiseno1 Sun 01-Sep-13 18:30:42

Ill admit i was also caught up in the wedding madness, looking at dresses, hair styles, catering etc, and wasnt really thinking about the nitty gritty logistics of it all.

Bowlersarm Sun 01-Sep-13 18:32:28

Oh ok. But I think it's unfair you might be letting your sister down, after a couple of months, just because you didn't think to pose the question!

Sorry op, it must have been difficult for you growing up. A bit less difficult for your sister herself, but she still wants her father to give her away. You may be making her chose between you.

Floggingmolly Sun 01-Sep-13 18:33:48

She excuses his assault on you as he was "drunk" at the time. I personally would no longer have a relationship with either of them; but I guess you're a bigger person than I am.

lovelychops Sun 01-Sep-13 18:35:02

The 'seeing the funny side' comment is repulsive.

OP do what is best for you and you alone. Everyone else will just have to get over it if you don't go. As others have said, it's only a wedding. If you do decide to go, obviously make plans to make it as manageable as you can. Good luck smile

WilsonFrickett Sun 01-Sep-13 18:35:46

I wonder if perhaps he's bullied your sister in to it? Or if she's desperate to present a 'normal' front to the world. I'm just not seeing why an otherwise ok person would make such a bd decision. If he EA'd her as you say in your op then there could be all sort of factors at play here.

That said I absolutely do not think you should just suck it up. But I do think you should have a serious conversation with your sister and try and work out what's going on with her. Perhaps your DM could be involved? I can't see many people, bridezilla or not, would be prepared to put the facade of a normal parental relationship above the feelings of their mother and sister.

Talk to her before you make any big decision.

MissStrawberry Sun 01-Sep-13 18:36:12

Oh come off it Bowlersarm. This man ABUSED the OP. FFS that trumps fucking wedding and nice fucking family photos.

And so what if the OP's sister feels she has to choose.

Vivacia Sun 01-Sep-13 18:36:20

The 'seeing the funny side' comment is repulsive.

Yep, I presume panda hadn't quite read the OP properly?

Makqueen Sun 01-Sep-13 18:39:13

I couldn't put myself through that. Drop out for your own sanity.

Sorry to hear about what you suffered as a child.

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