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Serious Wedding One.

(188 Posts)
disguiseno1 Sun 01-Sep-13 17:17:09

Have nc for this. This could turn out quite long so apologies in advance.

Sister is getting married and has asked me to be maid of honour. I am thrilled even though dsis is a bit of a bridezilla. She asked me a couple of months ago and I have been helping her with wedding planning etc.

Dsis and i have different dads. Hers was my stepdad for a large part of my childhood. He was abusive, emotionally/mentally, physically and one sexual assualt (when i was 8) towards me. My dsis only got the emotional/mental abuse. Dsis is aware of what i suffered (although minimises/excuses such as he was drunk).

As soon as i turned 16 i left home and have no contact with him. Dsis has contact with him although i think it can be strained.

However it has transpired that she has asked him to give her away at her wedding. I was unaware of this up until this week (although don't know why i am surprised).

I am now in a difficult position. Basically i dont want to go. I dont want to have to be anywhere near him. He would probably have the hard neck to try and speak to me and id rather just not put myself in that position. AIBU to just drop out? I dont think dsis would be too understanding and it would probably ruin her day.

Any other questions just ask.

MortifiedAdams Sun 01-Sep-13 17:23:19

Tbh I would be her MoH. What he did to you was awful, and something I think you should report him for, but if you want your sister to have a great day, stay MoH.

Ask her to tell him to stay away from you.

Id separate the two issues here.

BrokenSunglasses Sun 01-Sep-13 17:25:30

Oh, horrible situation for you!

If your sister knows what her dad did to you, then she's probably anticipating this being a problem, even if she's hoping you will just tolerate him for the sake of her wedding.

It's entirely up to you if you go or not, but if you don't, I think you have to be prepared for it to do some serious damage to the relationship you have with your sister. Obviously she should be understanding and accepting of the way you feel, but if she excuses her Dads behaviour and she hasn't been the one to talk to you about the problem first, then there's a good chance she won't be reasonable and will expect you to put her feelings ahead of your own for the day.

I feel for your sister too tbh, it's not her fault that her father is monster.

If you went to the wedding, do you have a DH or other family members that would be there to stick by you and keep him away, or would you have to deal with it alone?

RandomMess Sun 01-Sep-13 17:27:56

Hmmm.

I think I would drop out of being MoH so I didn't have to walk down the ailse and be in the photos with him etc. and explain that to your sister but you will still help her plan it all and you will still attend.

So you think that would be workable?

PiratePanda Sun 01-Sep-13 17:32:33

I would still be MoH but on the condition that I did not have to drive to the church in the same car as him (book yourself a taxi if necessary), did not have to speak to him at any point and did not have to sit next to him or facing him at the reception. And take a supportive partner, friend or family member with you to run interference if he tries to get close.

Family relationships are often difficult, and plenty of weddings are awkward. You'll be OK; and you might even be able to see the funny side.

fifi669 Sun 01-Sep-13 17:33:33

I wouldn't go. I'm amazed she invited him let alone asked him to give her away. Actually I don't know why she speaks to him!

Would seeing him leave you upset? Make you feel vulnerable? If he did speak to you how would you react? Do you have a DP that might want to throttle him?

It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen in all honesty

Famzilla Sun 01-Sep-13 17:35:22

I would drop out if I were in that position.

I would think very little of someone who put their "speshul day" above the emotional well being of their own sister by forcing her to spend it in the company of her emotional, physical and sexual abuser. Absolutely disgraceful IMO.

disguiseno1 Sun 01-Sep-13 17:36:53

Dsis doesn't anticipate this as a problem, because well she doesn't think what he did was that bad. And since Ive never made an issue over it (I sucked it up as a child and then cut him out my life as soon as i could) she wouldn't think that I would have a problem with it. Which is maybe short sighted of her.

helloeverything Sun 01-Sep-13 17:38:55

I was in a position very similar to yours only I was just a guest. I reluctantly went to the wedding after being guilt-tripped into it, only to have to deal with stepdad staring at me and following me around the whole day.
I wish I hadn't gone.
good luck with your decision.

TakingThePea Sun 01-Sep-13 17:42:17

I would not go.

If my father sexually assaulted my half-sister I would have absolutely nothing to do with him, let alone ask him to give me away.....

TakingThePea Sun 01-Sep-13 17:43:31

Totally agree famzilla.

What about your mum? Do other people know about it?

disguiseno1 Sun 01-Sep-13 17:43:42

Famzilla, this is how i am feeling tbh, and not sure if i am selfish for thinking like that since its her wedding.

I think theres gonna be fall out if I drop it but its taken me many years to come to terms with it and I feel like having to be around him to keep other people happy just takes me back to where i was to begin with.

TakingThePea Sun 01-Sep-13 17:44:46

PiratePanda ..... see the funny side of what? I can't see any funny sides to the OP....

charitygirl Sun 01-Sep-13 17:46:14

If you don't want to go, you absolutely shouldn't. I would feel 100% the same. This is NOT a 'suck it up for the sake of other people' situation. I think it's massively hurtful, and frankly dysfunctional, of her to ask.

How good a sister is she really?

SPBisResisting Sun 01-Sep-13 17:47:31

Funny side? ! Wouldn't be impressed if I were the op

disguiseno1 Sun 01-Sep-13 17:47:54

Its one of these family 'secrets' that everyone (close family) knows. Dmum has been separated from him for almost a decade and hates him more than i do (he beat her up too for years). And this is my other fear. Everyone is going to be drinking, which may lead to a big confrontation and even more people knowing.

charitygirl Sun 01-Sep-13 17:48:50

Who would want such a man to 'give her away'. I despair of the 'see the funny side' comment and all the other comments saying you should do it - this is what minimising child abuse looks like.

RandomMess Sun 01-Sep-13 17:50:12

How long until the wedding?

If being there at all is going to massively set you back then the sooner you have this conversation the better but I think you may loose all of your family over it.

Do you think counselling would help you work through whether you could go and see him for the nasty powerless man he is - sort of face your fears type thing?

RandomMess Sun 01-Sep-13 17:51:14

Has your sister got lost in the romance of it all and stopped thinking?

BunchofTulips Sun 01-Sep-13 17:54:04

Why does your sister want a man who sexually abused her sister and beat up her mum to give her away?

I think you have every right to not be MoH and wouldn't blame you one iota if you didn't go to the whole thing.

A serious conversation with your sister, very soon, would be illuminating I think. Poor you, good luck.

TSSDNCOP Sun 01-Sep-13 17:55:03

No I absolutely wouldn't go. Yes, it will be a bubble-popper for DSIS but I think your emotional health is way, way more important and who's to say what terrible memories being in proximity to your abuser will unearth.

Frankly, I'd take the chance whilst you know where the fucker is to have him arrested.

disguiseno1 Sun 01-Sep-13 17:55:08

I dont think i would lose all my family over this. Dmum and other siblings would be understanding. But Dsis not so much. But she has form for being unreasonable and we kinda all accept thats how she is!

At this point in my life i dont need counselling, I know he is a useless piece of shit. I often see him in (small) town and walk past him. But I just dont want to willingly put myself in a room with him.

Plus i do worry that other people seeing how civilised i can be to him really interpret it as well he couldnt have been that bad.

AgentZigzag Sun 01-Sep-13 17:56:02

Hmmm, I can't see where Pirate found the funny side of a sexual assault on an 8 YO either TakingThePea, bizarre.

I know it's 'bad timing' for this to come up at your sisters wedding, but it has, and there's going to be fallout whatever you decide.

If you've totally ruled out going while he's there, then I would say you should tell your sister exactly how you feel and exactly what he did.

If she minimises it and makes it about you rather than the offender, then she'll have made the choice for you and you can drop out with a clear conscience.

But she could be shocked and either tell him to sling his hook, or at least make an attempt to shield you from seeing him (not sure how), but it's her taking your feelings seriously which is the clincher for me.

It's a difficult one though, to be sure.

AgentZigzag Sun 01-Sep-13 17:58:37

But her being unreasonable doesn't mean she's right, or that you have to do as she says.

It's not for her to decide how upset you are by him.

FannyMcNally Sun 01-Sep-13 18:02:36

I'm always amazed that brides still want their fathers to 'give them away' even though they don't live with them let alone are estranged from them. And op, what a difficult position to be in. I'm surprised your sister didn't mention him at the start of the preparations but perhaps she thought it would be obvious. If it was me, I think I would have to pass on the MoH and seriously think about even attending.

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