Should DP quit job for his health or stick it out to make me happy (and pay the mortgage)?

(21 Posts)
charleylarlie Sun 01-Sep-13 14:07:02

Brief history: DP and I live with our 2 year old DS. Our plan has always been to move nearer to my mum and dad, who live 200 miles away (because I get desparately homesick and we have friends there). The move has always been dependent on DP getting a new job as I don?t earn enough to keep us both. We own our own home.

DP has been looking seriously for work in the area we want to live for the last year. However, he has since been made redundant from his current job so it has become more urgent to find work wherever he can find it.

The dilemma is: he has found a job that?s not quite where we want to be and is a commute of 2.5 hours a day (1.25 there and back). That wouldn?t be an issue normally, however, the job isn?t exactly ideal. He would have to take a 25% pay cut and we would have to rent somewhere cheap (with help of my Dad) while we sold the house up here before we could find somewhere else to buy. Family and friends would still be in easy reach of us there.

None of this would necessarily be a problem, however, he has had to accept Voluntary Severance in order to start on the date that they wanted him to start (which affects the mortgage protection insurance). However, he started the job last week and it turns out that it isn?t quite what it seems ? it?s too stressful, there is a culture of people working late through fear of being seen to leave on time (meaning that DP would never see DS during the week at all). The work itself is monotonous (not creative at all as he?d been led to believe in the interview) and he feels is ultimately demoralising and will make him ill through stress.

Would he bu to just quit and come home, facing the consequences of no mortgage insurance and just the VS to live on until it runs out if he hasn?t found another job? He feels that by staying in the job that at least we could afford to pay the mortgage until the house is sold and would make me happy because I would be living near my mum and dad.

But, aibu to expect him to do a job he really hates and fear for his health through stress when we could just sit tight here where we currently live and face whatever comes, hoping that something else comes up jobwise for him soon which won?t make him ill (which may or may not be in the part of the country I am desperate to live in)?

JobsComfortBlanket Sun 01-Sep-13 14:09:44

He started the job last week, and he's already decided it will make him sick with stress?

YANBU. He needs to be a big boy and stick at it, at least for a while longer.

Lovely fulfilling, creative, well-paid jobs are the exception. Many (most?) of slog at jobs we hate to pay the mortgage.

Whereisegg Sun 01-Sep-13 14:12:11

I think he should stick at it until he gets something else too, although doing it to pay the mortgage, and doing it to make you happy, are two totally unrelated things.

CaptainSweatPants Sun 01-Sep-13 14:12:42

So is your house on the Market so you can move ?

FamiliesShareGerms Sun 01-Sep-13 14:13:56

Stick at the job he has but continue to look for a better one

birdybear Sun 01-Sep-13 14:13:58

Which is more important to you, your dh .s health or moving to your required area . You sound a bit selfish. He shouldn't quit , however, until he has found another job, that would be silly.

froken Sun 01-Sep-13 14:18:31

I think the bit about him never seeing your dc is really sad sad you want to move to be nearer your parents because you get homesick but your an adult, your dc will miss out on seeing his dad in the week, he is a childand in my opinion you need to put your son's time with his father before your homesickness.

CaptainSweatPants Sun 01-Sep-13 14:20:00

His cv will look awful if he quits too
Much harder to find another job

SofaKing Sun 01-Sep-13 14:30:50

I too think he should stick it out, it may be ok- my DH started the job from hell when we had a newborn, 2yr old and 3.6 yr old, whom he never saw, and a dreadful boss.

Six weeks after taking the dreadful job his LinkedIn profile was spotted by his current employer, and he moved (only had to give a weeks notice as on probation), and was much happier, better paid with more free time.
I'm so glad he took the bad job as it led to the good one.

Make sure your DH uses LinkedIn, keeps up to date with recruitment consultants in the local area, and maximises his chances of getting a better role. Often if you move area you find a local employer are notorious for treating their staff poorly, and no one will hesitate to offer a job to him if he has only been there for a short time as they will understand why!

LIZS Sun 01-Sep-13 14:38:21

The first few days are never going to be a good indication of the longer term job. If he quits you lose the Mortgage Protection , can claim no JSA and probably risk the house itself if you cannot keep up payments. Put the house up for sale at a realistic price, rent closer to the new job to minimise the commute and you can always move closer to your parents when a better prospect turns up and before ds needs to apply for a school place.

Famzilla Sun 01-Sep-13 14:40:12

He's only been there a week. Quitting because it's ruining his health or whatever seems very melodramatic. Sometimes you have to do things you don't enjoy when you're a grown up.

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 01-Sep-13 15:34:39

He's only been there a week, far too early to decide he doesnt like it. His CV will look bad and he wont qualify for JSA if he leaves of his own accord.

However, it seems to be about what you want which is never healthy for a relationship.

Mumsyblouse Sun 01-Sep-13 15:42:13

His CV won't look bad if he quits after a week, he simply leaves the job off! If questioned about it (why would you be?) you simply say you tried it on a trial basis (true) and it wasn't what you had expected so you carried on your search.

But, it is right that a long gap on the CV (of more than a year) starts to look a bit bad although with so many people made redundant, it is pretty usual stuff these days.

That's not the deciding factor anyway, I'm not sure what he should do but I wouldn't worry too much about the CV at this stage, or at least, don't put this job on it if he decides to quit.

5madthings Sun 01-Sep-13 15:49:34

He has only been there a week! He needs to give it a chance and quite frankly its a bit stupid to quit without another job to go to.

McNewPants2013 Sun 01-Sep-13 15:53:01

I think the stress of non mortgage payments and struggling to clothe and feed a 2 year old outweighs the stress of a job.

Leeds2 Sun 01-Sep-13 16:13:52

I think he might find it very stressful in the future if he quits his job now, and is unable to find a new one.

I would therefore encourage him to keep the job he has, and look elsewhere for a new one. A week really isn't very long, and he may find it gets better once he has got used to it.

charleylarlie Sun 01-Sep-13 17:09:01

Cheers guys. He is going to go back to his employer to discuss his concerns about the role and how it seems to differ from what was discussed at the interview. I think he's going to carry on with it for now and if it's that bad we'll deal with it later. X

jessieagain Sun 01-Sep-13 22:15:38

I think he should stay but increase his efforts to find a different job elsewhere.

However if he is having difficulty finding work near your parents I don't think it is fair that he has to stay in the job.

I think you need to flexible about where you live. And if he finds a good job further away from your parents, you should move there with him. Do you work from home?

flowery Sun 01-Sep-13 22:20:24

Does he have pre-existing health issues? Seems a bit extreme for him to decide a job is putting his health at risk through stress after a week otherwise.

marriedinwhiteisback Sun 01-Sep-13 22:26:11

Stress can be healthy and is something that has to be managed. 1.25 hrs each way isn't that bad. Easier to get a job when you have one already imo. He needs to face up to his responsibilities; you need to be flexible over where you are prepared to live.

LessMissAbs Mon 02-Sep-13 00:05:29

He's only been there a week, he should give it longer. I've started jobs which were a nightmare at first, but perfectly do-able, if not my favourite job ever. Its better to look for a job from a position of employment.

Stress generally takes longer than a week to build up and is often regarded as a recognised medical condition, so unless he is having to receive regular medical treatment due to it, then YABU.

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