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drunken lessons I have learned...

(64 Posts)

Do not blow out a candle with a nouth full of cheese and crackers.

Generally, going backto your neih.ours for an extra glass iof wein is not necessaey.

If yocpost on mn drhunk, hide tgread immediately afterwards.

Smlhe and tje whole world smipes with you! smile

Oops. Not chat! sad

AgentZigzag Sat 31-Aug-13 00:38:52

I was only a witness thankfully, but don't light a can of hairspray in a small room in front of someone with enough hairspray on their backcombed hair to start a large bonfire shock

Sleeping bag races down the stairs hurt.

If you're drunk enough not to notice people drawing on you/shaving things/putting furniture on you, it's your own fault.

lookoveryourshouldernow Sat 31-Aug-13 00:39:42

..never post on the wrong section of Mumsnet...
..never seek out your previous Ex's on Facebook
..never phone anyone you know after 9.00 pm
..never attempt to make a Victoria Sponge !!!

lookoveryourshouldernow Sat 31-Aug-13 00:40:30

..and invest in a good spellchecker !!!

EBearhug Sat 31-Aug-13 00:41:31

Don't hold an empty party popper in the candle flame to see if it will melt. Especially not if your hand is underneath.

It will melt, and dripping plastic will give you a permanent scar where it burns your hand.

lookoveryourshouldernow Sat 31-Aug-13 00:43:01

..and from experience ... never fall into the road in front of a Police Car ???

ClothesPegs Sat 31-Aug-13 00:47:52

Do not attempt flaming sambucas with a plastic shot glass... Or put the flame out with the palm of your hand, as above permanent scar...

I hafe to be at work at 9am... sad

* have

Clothes.. a long time ago, i had areputation for lightiny sambuca in my mouth. Alas, i am now old and a lightweight!

And i used to be able to spell!!!

carrotsdotty Sat 31-Aug-13 00:55:43

No matter what impulse for cleaning you have, do not attempt to de-scale the shower screen at 3am. Your family will be unimpressed by your skill.

Secretswitch Sat 31-Aug-13 00:58:22

Pizza and melon flavoured vomit..no just no
Tossing your shoes out on the road because you just don't need them anymore
Being placed vomit covered in the bath tub, sobbing to your friend's "Please don't let me die like Jimi Hendrix"
Informing your mum that threesomes aren't all they are cracked up to be

Secretswitch- what did your Mum say?

Do not attempt to paint your radiators very drunk. Radiator paint is easy to knock over and hard to clean off.

aturtlenamedmack Sat 31-Aug-13 01:10:07

Not mine, my dp inspects student houses...
Do not have a BBQ indoors because it is raining, you will not get your deposit back. Not to mention that you might die of carbon monoxide poisoning (they didn't, thank god).

lookoveryourshouldernow Sat 31-Aug-13 01:15:37

...Oh just remembered another one...

Never say "I have not given up Sex to die (on an operating table in Turkey) from Aids" - doesn't go down well with the Locals...

Walked through a glass door and slashed my knee - was carted out to the nearest Hospital (3 hours away through mountainous terrain) to have said injury "attended to" in a "Hospital"..

There were at least 7 people at the end of the bed smoking, drinking coffee and playing cards - it was more like a Party Central in there..

In the end they sewed me up - no drugs or any pain relief and I was then released - only to discover when I got home that I couldn't bend my knee.....

It was only when I went to A&E here that I found out that they had sewed me up with a 2 x 6 inch sliver of glass still embedded in my knee fairly close to the main artery in the my leg....

Don't do it... always put your arms out in front of you when you walk through a door... pissed or not....

AgentZigzag Sat 31-Aug-13 01:16:20

If ever there was a stressful job aturtle, your DP has it shock

I bet he's seen some sights (which you can tell us more about? grin)

Secretswitch Sat 31-Aug-13 01:18:18

BreakOutTheKaraoke, My poor mum put me to bed and then went to ring my auntie. They both sat me down to speak to me about self respect, sex and drink. I was humiliated and ashamed.

AgentZigzag Sat 31-Aug-13 01:19:29

shock how did they not notice lookover??

Lucky to be alive eh? (and this is how you choose to spend your valuable time? grin)

Secretswitch Sat 31-Aug-13 01:21:01

aturtlenamedmack, I bet your husband could tell us some ace stories!
I'm with AgentZigZag, we want more!

aturtlenamedmack Sat 31-Aug-13 01:29:03

There are loads agent mainly with housemates falling out.
An attempted poisoning - household cleaners and bleach put into jars of sauce, apparently he didn't mean for her to eat them hmm
He's inspected houses with parties still going on in them. A house with a pan of ketermine on the table. Rubbish, vomit, rats, fires (almost always hair straighteners) and many, many, many partially clothed or even naked girls answering the door with little inclination to cover themselves up for the rest of the inspection.
And that's just the students, the landlords are much worse, and they're the ones who are actually being inspected!

aturtlenamedmack Sat 31-Aug-13 01:30:08

And poo, a Tupperware box full of poo.

Secretswitch Sat 31-Aug-13 01:32:06

Well, Tupperware does have that magic burp to keep things fresh

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