To expect my husband to sleep on the sofa?

(65 Posts)
PavlovtheCat Fri 30-Aug-13 21:57:26

Every time he stays up past 1am?
He is a night owl. He goes to bed late often. He goes out to visit friends regularly and returns late. Sometimes he comes to bed at 3am, regularly between 1-2am. If he is not visiting friends he generally retires about 12:30am.

My sleep pattern is shocking. I have a 3.5yr old who gets into bed with us at around 5-6am. He now goes back to sleep if he comes in at 5am, but hasn't always done this. However, whether or not he sleeps again, I am mostly awake. Sometimes, he wakes at night. Up until recently this was regular. I have a 7yo who has always been an early riser, but a general good sleeper, but even she is not perfect and sometimes wakes needing a drink, has a bad dream.

I work 3.5 days a week; aim to start at 9am. I am nowadays awake at 6am, whether I work or not.

DH wakes me when he comes to bed at whatever random fucking time it might be. I often wake to find him not there, wonder what the time is (I can usually guess now, am pretty accurate, I seem to wake around 12-1am now). On those occasions, I wake, then I can't really get back to sleep again (partly cross that he hasn't come back, partly as I have broken my rem sleep or whatever it is). On the occasions I wake and get back to sleep, or sleep through, he wakes me, every single time he comes to bed. if he gets to bed past 1am and I am asleep he drags me out of my deep sleep, and that's my night fucked. It takes an hour to get back to sleep now and 2am -3am, means like 2 hours before my DS gets in with us.

So, my sleep is just all over the place. Am I being unreasonable to want my DH to a) come to bed at the same time as me occasionally? b) sleep on the sofa when he is not coming to bed at a respectable time?

His arguments are this:
a) I go to bed too early (9-10pm generally, but sometimes stay up. I don't expect him to be in bed at 9pm, but the nights I stay up to 11pm is relatively reasonable no?
b) he has always done this, it's not new, so I should be used to this. Why should he change ? because you have fucking responsibilities now. because I can't while the day away in bed to manage a slight broken sleep at 2am at the weekends like I used to.

This evening he has got really pissed off about it. I asked if he was going to be in bed late again (1am last night). He does not think last night was late, and that it was ok even if it was, because he got up with the children. So, it's ok to disturb my nights, as long as you get up with the children occasionally? But my night is still broken! He got stroppy when I challenged his doing as he pleased thing and breaking up my sleep. 'i'll sleep on the sofa then'. But, he acts like this is a sort of martydom type thing, but I have said to him for ages he needs to sleep on the sofa if he is home past 1am.

I am so desperate for a reasonable nights sleep. I go to bed at 9pm these days just to stand a vague chance that I might get 5 hours sleep without being woken. I long for 7 hours with no waking up. I long for it, yet also resign myself to it never happening ever again.

<sigh> AIBU?

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Fri 30-Aug-13 23:58:21

Yanbu. You are really struggling as a result if sleep disruption and deprivation. You need to get a sofa bed and he needs to open it out and sleep on it if up late.

Yes, I agree Chipping.

I do know how hard it is to adopt normal sleep times when you're a hardcore night owl, but if you can't manage it, well, that's your problem, you don't inflict the problem on your partner.

I used to work til 3 am when I was with an ex who had a 9-5 job, I slept on the sofa almost every night.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Fri 30-Aug-13 23:14:24

I think yabu, you sound like a very light, regimented sleeper, and you can't blame him entirely for your poor sleep patterns. My DH works shifts and we usually end up with one of us in bed hours before the other, in different directions, and I wouldn't appreciate being told to fuck off to the couch.

I do think he's selfish.

Insisting on sleeping in bed even though it wakes his wife who has bore the brunt of all the children's sleeping issues is selfish.

I certainly hope he handles any night wakings when he's at home and up til 3 am?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 30-Aug-13 23:13:41

dreamingofsun - how on earth are his choices not selfish? He has a family yet chooses to do a job that is not very compatible with that(when he has other options), he chooses to spend a lot of time out of the house playing games, he chooses to stay up late watching films/playing games - he deprives the OP of sleep & she is the one who has to deal with their children...and then complains when he is asked to sleep elsewhere??

He could choose a job with family friendly hours.

He doesn't have to go out so often & be late home.

He doesn't have to stay up all hours.

He should reset his clock and sleep regular hours, like most people, IF he wants to share a bed with Pavlov or accept that his choices mean she doesn't want to share a bed with him and have her sleep broken.

Pilgit Fri 30-Aug-13 23:10:53

Can he not change where he charges his phone? So this doesn't impact. We have similar issues with our sleep cycles but we don't have anything electrical in the bedroom -anything that requires faffage is a no! He comes in and gets into bed. Doesn't touch me. I am probably going to get lambasted for this but sorting out your 3 year old should be a priority. I couldn't live like that. I had 3 months of it and it brought me to my knees.

jumpingpillows Fri 30-Aug-13 23:05:13

can you get a sofa bed? then he could sleep on that not the sofa?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 30-Aug-13 23:02:04

YANBU

God knows how you cope living with him, he sounds like a nightmare on all levels. An overgrown student who thinks they can pick their own hours.

Can you wear ear plugs? I find them brilliant.

I do think that the earphones, noise etc when he comes to bed is massively disrespectful. His relaxation more important than your sleep, clearly.

Oh OP, I feel your pain. I'm a light sleeper and my DS has really wrecked things, and I have a DH who goes to bed early but gets out of bed every single night and wakes me up. Things are much better now though so I would recommend a few things.

If you can, get two single beds next to each other instead of one mattress. It really helps not just with limiting movement but psychologically you feel like you're doing your own thing and not as bothered by what he does.

More important -- do ask him to sleep on the sofa, temporarily, while you try to 'reboot' your sleeping patterns. I always recommend this book by Paul McKenna, I Can Make You Sleep. I am not a self-help person at all, I don't do hypnosis or visualisation, but I swear this book and the CD have made an enormous difference. I had a really bad spell for a while of waking up every night at 5 am but after listening to the CD for 2 weeks I'm sleeping all night again.

The idea is that your sleep habits go bad and you need to fix them, but it takes a bit of time. So your DH should give you some space to do this, it will help in the long run.

I would also tackle your DS coming into your bed, though I'm afraid I don't have any advice on this.

I'm more like your DH in that I'm a night owl and have made many choices over the years that enabled me to do this. BUT now that I have a family I have adapted somewhat, and I do try to limit any impact on my DH. I think your DH should consider himself lucky that he's still able to play games until 3 am if he likes, while his wife is at home on call with the kids, and suck up sleeping on the sofa.

joanofarchitrave Fri 30-Aug-13 22:59:19

Get a full size bed for your ds. I got one from the local paper for £40. Add a cot side if your ds is scared.

Could you go and stay with a friend or relative one night a week, on your own?

dreamingofsun Fri 30-Aug-13 22:55:36

chipping - i don't understand how you can say he is selfish. he is no more selfish than she is. in reality they just have different requirements that unfortunately don't work that well together.

ballstoit Fri 30-Aug-13 22:54:20

At 3.5, your DS is old enough to learn that he stays in his bed until the time you tell him to. Your DS is as much of a problem to your sleep as your DH, but the idea of tackling this doesn't seem high up your agenda?

Could you ask DH to work with you to get DS to stay in bed til 7? Then DH gets to sleep in his bed, and you get enough sleep.

A nightlight with timer or one of those waking up face clocks, combined with rapid return would be my suggestion for this. With some nice treats/prizes for not waking Mummy up.

Fairdene Fri 30-Aug-13 22:50:49

OP you are not being in the slightest, tiniest, weeniest way unreasonable but your DH is being massively so. Of course he should sleep elsewhere. Unbelievably self centred. I'd chuck him out.

PavlovtheCat Fri 30-Aug-13 22:50:28

See, I am now 50 mins past sleep o'clock. I am so going to suffer for this deviation from my sleep you know.

(I worked out once how many days of sleep I have 'lost' due to DS's poor sleeping through the years - it worked out to equate to something like 4 months of sleep. and that wasn't done recently either, so it's got to be closer to 5 months - no wonder I look like a bag of shite all the time!)

PavlovtheCat Fri 30-Aug-13 22:47:06

acer how does it sound like there are a few issues? Nothing that a few good nights sleep won't sort out wink

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 30-Aug-13 22:44:28

You aren't being unreasonable. Not at all.

He chooses this job to suit his desire not to fit in with the norms. Fair enough.

He chooses to stay out and play games/socialise. Fair enough (as you are happy with this too).

He chooses to stay up watching films/playing games etc instead of trying to get into some pattern. Fair enough.

The price he has to pay for all of those fairly selfish choices are that he has to sleep elsewhere and not disturb your sleep.

acer12 Fri 30-Aug-13 22:44:06

coming ops dh is 'degrading' ops sleep but that's ok? (Hmm)
It is about consideration. If he chooses to go bed late ect he should do it in a manner that it dosnt effect anybody op or kids. I think you really need to sit down and talk it through, it sounds like there is a few issues any way.

PavlovtheCat Fri 30-Aug-13 22:43:34

talking of sleep, I got to go get some, he is seeing a friend who has been away for several weeks, so his response to when he will get back is 'not sure'. It might even be as late as 4am today/tomorrow. And although he stropped off saying he will sleep on the sofa, I am not sure he will.

PavlovtheCat Fri 30-Aug-13 22:41:52

mrshooarder to be fair to him, he does try to be quiet. He doesn't come in pissed up clattering and trying to have conversations with me (he used to try to have conversations with me if I said goodnight to him, as he would be like 'oh, you're awake!' but he now knows that talking to me in the night is a Bad Idea). He gets undressed outside the room and doesn't turn his light on, but he will put his phone on to charge and fart about with settings on audio account etc, sometimes I have to ask him to turn it down, that kind of thing.

PavlovtheCat Fri 30-Aug-13 22:39:27

mashpot my DH works around 3-4 shifts a week max, so, it's not like his sleep pattern evolves around his shifts. If he finished at 11pm he stays up til 1/2/3am. If he finishes at 5pm, he stays up til 1/2/3am. So, actually his sleep is not much to do with his work pattern.

If he is out of work (and he has been), his sleep pattern is worse as at least on some days he goes to bed at 12:30am at the moment grin

MrsHoarder Fri 30-Aug-13 22:38:21

Most mornings dh gets up before me. He tiptoes out of the bedroom in the dark and dresses on the landing. Could your dh agree a deal where he sleeps on the sofa or comes to bed quietly on the dark?

Puts the ball back in his court.

Thepursuitofhappiness Fri 30-Aug-13 22:37:17

Tell him he must sort out his headphones etc before he comes into the room so you have less chance of fully waking. That is a reAsonable demand to make.

PavlovtheCat Fri 30-Aug-13 22:36:58

bowlers that's what I want to do, for him to either come to bed at a reasonable time, or sleep on the sofa. And reasonable would be 12-1am (not 9pm!) then, I stand a change of getting 4-5 straight hours sleep even if he disturbs me, with a total of 7 hours broken if I go to bed at 10pm, 8 if I go to bed at 9pm (I am awake by 6am, but really, I am awake by 5am and sort of toss and turn and complain to myself for an hour grin)

mashpot Fri 30-Aug-13 22:33:56

Gosh, I think you're being very unfair and probably unreasonable. My DH works shifts. It's a pain in the arse but that's his job. Tonight he went to bed at 9.30 (great, no company for me on a Friday night!) but on days when he finishes at 11pm and gets home at midnight I can see he needs to sit up for an hour and unwind.

He is very quiet coming to bed but sometimes I do wake up. Tough shit really, I'd rather that than him be out of work and no way would I make him sleep on the sofa - we both have to work and both deserve to share the bed.

I think you need to work on some techniques of your own for getting back to sleep rather than seething with your husband.

PavlovtheCat Fri 30-Aug-13 22:33:47

stephen because they are there, not far away. and he <whispers> does roleplay. No, before you ask, that doesn't involve kinky dressing and pretending to be someones biatch grin. It's like D&D, he has played it for years with the same group of friends, they have characters they have played for many years. It's escapism for them like their real world is a bit shit or something Or, he plays x-box games.

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