To expect my husband to sleep on the sofa?

[PavlovtheCat]

Every time he stays up past 1am?
He is a night owl. He goes to bed late often. He goes out to visit friends regularly and returns late. Sometimes he comes to bed at 3am, regularly between 1-2am. If he is not visiting friends he generally retires about 12:30am.

My sleep pattern is shocking. I have a 3.5yr old who gets into bed with us at around 5-6am. He now goes back to sleep if he comes in at 5am, but hasn't always done this. However, whether or not he sleeps again, I am mostly awake. Sometimes, he wakes at night. Up until recently this was regular. I have a 7yo who has always been an early riser, but a general good sleeper, but even she is not perfect and sometimes wakes needing a drink, has a bad dream.

I work 3.5 days a week; aim to start at 9am. I am nowadays awake at 6am, whether I work or not.

DH wakes me when he comes to bed at whatever random fucking time it might be. I often wake to find him not there, wonder what the time is (I can usually guess now, am pretty accurate, I seem to wake around 12-1am now). On those occasions, I wake, then I can't really get back to sleep again (partly cross that he hasn't come back, partly as I have broken my rem sleep or whatever it is). On the occasions I wake and get back to sleep, or sleep through, he wakes me, every single time he comes to bed. if he gets to bed past 1am and I am asleep he drags me out of my deep sleep, and that's my night fucked. It takes an hour to get back to sleep now and 2am -3am, means like 2 hours before my DS gets in with us.

So, my sleep is just all over the place. Am I being unreasonable to want my DH to a) come to bed at the same time as me occasionally? b) sleep on the sofa when he is not coming to bed at a respectable time?

His arguments are this:
a) I go to bed too early (9-10pm generally, but sometimes stay up. I don't expect him to be in bed at 9pm, but the nights I stay up to 11pm is relatively reasonable no?
b) he has always done this, it's not new, so I should be used to this. Why should he change ? because you have fucking responsibilities now. because I can't while the day away in bed to manage a slight broken sleep at 2am at the weekends like I used to.

This evening he has got really pissed off about it. I asked if he was going to be in bed late again (1am last night). He does not think last night was late, and that it was ok even if it was, because he got up with the children. So, it's ok to disturb my nights, as long as you get up with the children occasionally? But my night is still broken! He got stroppy when I challenged his doing as he pleased thing and breaking up my sleep. 'i'll sleep on the sofa then'. But, he acts like this is a sort of martydom type thing, but I have said to him for ages he needs to sleep on the sofa if he is home past 1am.

I am so desperate for a reasonable nights sleep. I go to bed at 9pm these days just to stand a vague chance that I might get 5 hours sleep without being woken. I long for 7 hours with no waking up. I long for it, yet also resign myself to it never happening ever again.


AIBU?

[TylerHopkins]

How big is your house? Why don't you have separate rooms?

[PavlovtheCat]

tyler if we had enough bedrooms, I would seriously consider it. Although, I know he won't like that. he wants to sleep in the same bed as me. just on his terms.

[KirjavaTheCat]

Get separate beds. Then he can go to bed whatever time pleases him, and you can sleep undisturbed. Then your 3yo has a choice of which bed to invade persuade him that your husband's is the best.

[StephenFrySaidSo]

god that is a nightmare! I don't blame you at all. does he not have to get up for work in the mornings? how does he cope on so little sleep?

I am a night owl too but single now- when EXP lived with me we both went up around 11pm although I didn't really sleep just lay awake til 1-2ish.

i'm not sure what the solution is if he wont budge. I don't think sharing a room is working though.

[PavlovtheCat]

He sleeps through everything. He can go back to sleep after being woken (by the kids for example in the morning), he sleeps through them waking at night, and when they come in to bed in the morning, he rolls over and ignores them, so they no longer even bother saying good morning to him when they get into bed, or give him cuddles, not until he speaks to them first.

[TidyDancer]

I'm trying to think what I would do in your shoes....

I think if I was you, I would make an arrangement to sleep elsewhere. You do go to bed very early so I see your DH's point. Is there somewhere else you could sleep?

Alternatively, could you try to tackle the problem with your DS coming to your bed so early?

[Bowlersarm]

It's difficult because you are both coming at this from exact opposite viewpoints.

Does he have to get up in the morning for work? (I couldn't see that in your OP)

[Sparrowlegs248]

Does he not get up for work? This would really piss me off. It annoys me enough when DH reads with the light on past 11pm. I can't get to sleep when he has the light on and until recently was always up and gone before he got up. (he's got a new job and leaves at 6.45am now. And has his light out at 10.30 at the latest!)
I think he is being VU!

[Writerwannabe83]

Me and my hubby have slept in separate rooms for the last 3 weeks - bar one or two nights anyway.

I'm in my early pregnancy and absolutely exhausted (falling asleep at 8.30pm etc) yet because he's currently off work (he's a teacher) he is staying up till 2am-ish watching films. So I'd be next to him, desperately trying to sleep whilst his laptop is illuminating the room!! He would at least put his earphones in but it just wasn't enough!

I told him that I couldn't carry on like it and so now we sleep separately. When I wake up in the morning though I go and crawl into bed with him, which I'm sure annoys him as he's probably only been asleep for about 5-6 hours

He starts back at work next week so will hopefully get back into a normal sleeping routine and we can go back to sharing - but whilst things are as they are, sharing a room just isn't an option.

You aren't being unreasonable at all!!!!!

[PavlovtheCat]

stephenfry he works shifts. So, although there are some days when he starts at 9am, he also gets plenty where he starts much later. he tries to blame finishing his shifts at 11pm, except, he has always been like this by his own admission, he works these types of shifts as it suits him.

but, it also suits the friends he sees. One doesn't work at all and the other works away a lot for months at a time, and so has large breaks in his employment where he is not working at all.

How does he live on such little sleep? I'm not sure he is living very well on it. he is quite grumpy these days.

[KirjavaTheCat]

Is your room big enough for two singles?

[PavlovtheCat]

tidy I go to bed early to counteract the shocking sleep I get. If I had a straight 7 hours, or even 6, I would go to bed later. I do 9-10pm as I am permanently, utterly exhausted. And I don't expect him to come to bed then, but 11pm-12am would be ok.

[elastamum]

I dont think YABU at all. In your place I would have probably murdered him by now - sleep deprivation does terrible things to you

Leave him a duvet and pillow on the sofa

[Bowlersarm]

Maybe he just isn't tired enough to sleep.

Does he exercise? (This may be irrelevant though, as he thinks there is no problem with his sleep pattern)

[timidviper]

I have some sympathy with him as I am just like that too. DH goes to bed about 11.30-12, I am usually about 1am. I can understand your problem and sympathise but can see his too, there is no way I could sleep earlier.

If DH has to get up early and it is a problem for him he sleeps in the spare room. Is there no way you could get twin beds or rearrange the rooms so you can both sleep well?

[dreamingofsun]

if you don't have a spare room, could you compromise on certain nights each week? for example the ones you work on. during these he sleeps on the sofa, or maybe one of you sleeps in one of the kids rooms on a camping mat?

I'm not sure that anyone is in the right or wrong over this. you just sound exhausted and if you are like me don't cope very well without sleep. it sounds as if he doesn't need much sleep and therefore probably doesn't fully understand

[MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour]

This is a tricky one because I don't think either of you are being unreasonable

I do think it would be a bit U to 'make' him sleep on the sofa- if he doesn't mind then fair enough but I'm not big on telling grown adults where they can and can't sleep in their own homes. But having said that it's not fair that he's disturbing your sleep so much- are you a light sleeper? If he was quieter would it be so much of a problem? I agree that sleeping seperately would be best if there's any way you can manage it

[PavlovtheCat]

I'm not sure two singles would work. It's not just his is physically getting into bed that's a problem. In fact, that's pretty minor - he listens to his audio book to go to sleep with and so he faffs with that for a a while (probably only minutes) first.

The problem is he has no real routine that is buggered up by coming to bed so late. He will accept 4 hours sleep on the days he has to be in work for 9am. He does the school run for the children, and get's up on some days to get them ready, some days I do that.

But, the nights he works til 11pm, he gets a 'lie-in' as he has worked til late doing a physical job, so he will stay out til 3am knowing he will stay in bed. He works some weekends, so we can't split weekend lie-ins.

I quite like some routine in my life, knowing vaguely what I am doing from one day to the next, as a rule. Happy to break it up from time to time, but generally I like a pattern. DH hates routine of any kind. It's now really starting to clash.

[Bowlersarm]

Just re read your OP. two points from that.

You are unreasonable to blame him for keeping you awake because he isn't there.

He shouldn't wake you when he comes to bed late. DH and I are a watered down version of you: he comes to bed way later than me mainly but he never wakes me up.

[StephenFrySaidSo]

good suggestion about one of you sleeping with the dcs.

how about the dcs that wakes during the night/early morning sleeps in your double bed, you sleep in that dcs bed and DH sleeps in your double bed with dc so that dc wont wake to come into your bed as he's already there and even if he does he wont be waking you as you wont be there.

[PavlovtheCat]

no you are right, he doesn't keep me awake. but, he comes to bed, noisily, sometime between 12am and 3am and so I am now tuned to wake up at any sound. It would be much better if it were a similar time every night. But, he pulls me out of deep sleep.

[Bowlersarm]

I'm sort of at a loss as to what to say.

He pulls his weight with the DC.

He holds down his job, in fact his sleep patterns are partly a result of his job.

He wants to sleep in the same bed as you.

Good luck with a resolution!

[acer12]

Tell him to get on the sofa and who cares if he pulls a face.
Your tired, that's why you go to bed at 9/10 pm. It's not fair that he disturbs you.
When me and dh got together he was a bit like that, coming in late and disturbing me until I put my foot down -and said it wasn't a fucking hotel -- on the occasion he has had a late night he knows now he has to be deathly quiet as I can be murderous if I get woken up.

If he needs to go to bed late then he has to sleep else where. It would seriously fuck me off if he stayed up late every night. Tell him to stop being a selfish twat!

Me and dh don't go to bed every night at same time but mostly it's within an hour of each other. Maybe you need to reconnect ? I'd feel a bit Lonely tbh.

[PavlovtheCat]

stephen that's a good plan when we get him a full size bed (DS, not DH!) but currently he has a toddler bed, and I can't fit in it (but, saying that, I have in the past when desperate and DS slept badly and we did just as you said).

[PavlovtheCat]

bowlers his job is a result of his sleep pattern. It's why he works in the industry he does, as he doesn't like 9-5. That is an excuse he uses.