To think i should have met her by now

(59 Posts)
DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 21:01:31

Brief outline

DD is from my previous relationship. She lives with her Dad, private arrangement, quite happy with this as it means a better education for her and she also has additional needs.

I have my son (2) with my partner and i am expecting number 3, currently 6 months pregnant.

Ex has a partner, They got together some time in 2011. Married last year, newly expecting a baby.

I've never met this woman. I've never even spoken to her (I have tried).

Is this normal? AIBU to be miffed that i haven't met her?

Ex and i don't get on, he likes to exaggerate things and has implied that he is in someway frightened of me physically (I have no idea why, i have never been violent, and he is much bigger and stronger than me and capable of restraining me anyway as he has proven in the past when i ran off from him once).

Since october 2011 we have had two disagreements regarding his wife. The first when he told me about the relationship. I was on the toilet having contractions pre term with my son when he decided to contact me to tell me this all important ground breaking news - I really do not know why he did this, he knew how far i was as i had reminded him the day before that i was at the stage things started with our daughter. He knew i was highly stressed about another premature birth. So when he contacted me bothering me i swore at him quite a lot. I did apologise later.

The second was around a year later, so almost a year ago now. After waiting for over a year to be introduced or acknowledged, I tried to contact his wife, and found something i didn't like online and i had a bit of a gob off at him for it. I did later apologise and explained that i was feeling insecure about the whole situation and i accepted i should have handled it better.

We had a disagreement at a hospital appointment but that was nothing to do with his wife, That was to do with him pushing me over and generally acting like a brat.

Would you expect to have had some form of contact by now? Even just an email?

My partner feels it is weird and he feels a bit, i don't know the word, But he doesn't feel they've been very fair, given we were open and honest with my ex and ensured he had the opportunity to know who his daughter spends time with, My partner introduced himself to my ex etc.

I don't expect her to be my new best friend or have any sort of relationship but i just feel odd that i know nothing about her. I only know her real name because his brother has mentioned it, My ex encourages our daughter to use some sort of pet name for her, and ex refers to her the same in any email where he has mentioned her (Like when he told me they were in a relationship).

AIBU?

froken Fri 30-Aug-13 21:52:45

If your dd is happy then I really don't see tge problem. As your dd's primary carer I think you need to trust yourex's opinion.

I don't understand how it is going to benefit your dd you meeting tge new step mum. It sounds more like it is your desire for control.

You shouldn't have answered tge phone to your ex whilst having contractions and you shouldn't have looked ex's new wife up online.

Why not write her a letter?

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 21:53:10

Jan - I didn't answer it, I was trying to ring my hospital and he was messaging me. I typed back a message which wasn't very polite because every time he messaged me it cut off the number for my hospital (I didnt have it saved in my phone).

Then i apologised when i saw him.

Thats the only thing i think really is its going to be weird like when my daughter had an operation, me and my ex went to the hospital, but he didnt let his wife come and i felt sort of bad for her? I mean she obviously cares about my daughter, i wouldnt have minded if she'd come. I think it would be awkward if we were put in a situation where it was unavoidable though and i dont want that.

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 21:54:54

Froken - I do trust his judgement. If i didn't i would have done something about it. I don't have any concerns. I just wondered if it was weird because i do not know anyone else who is separated from their childrens father.

I have no intention of bringing it up or trying to meet her, i just wondered if it was weird that i hadnt.

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 21:56:11

I probably shouldn't have written all this.
He's the resident parent because i agreed to it. I wouldnt have agreed to it if i didnt trust him where our daughter is concerned.

I just wondered if it was weird. I guess its not.

Auntfini Fri 30-Aug-13 22:01:35

I think it is weird actually. You're her mother, it would be helpful for you to meet the woman your dd lives with.

I think people are reading into things that aren't really there.

froken Fri 30-Aug-13 22:03:03

My biological dad has never met my step dad.

I think you need to realise that the child in this situation is ok, it is you that has an issue with things, so you should graciously ask for contact with the new woman ( probably best after you have both given birth)

BrokenSunglasses Fri 30-Aug-13 22:06:05

I think it's wierd, but mainly because I can't understand how you haven't come across her in person once in the roughly three years that she has been around.

How is your ex, as the resident parent who is living with someone else, able to keep the two of you apart? How is your contact with your dd arranged?

I have no idea how I could ever have gone about keeping my DH and my ex apart for that length of time when one is regularly coming to the others front door.

SeaSickSal Fri 30-Aug-13 22:06:44

I think if she desperately wanted to come to the hospital she could have.

Put it this way, if the two of them were taking her to hospital and excluding you then you would have needed to worry.

Well, how do you arrange to see your dd? How often?

It would be weird if she was actively avoiding you (although, she might have cause to given what you've posted) but not if there's no real chance of interaction IYSWIM.

Samnella Fri 30-Aug-13 22:13:19

YANBU I would want to meet the person as well. I also find it weird she wrote those things about your DD looking like her etc. But I can see from her perspective that you have given your ex a mouthful twice which will perpetuate his apparent view of you. She won't necessarily have been told you were mid contraction etc. Just that you shouted abuse. it's an odd one all round.

I would let some time pass without incident, congratulate them on the baby etc and then ask him if you could all meet now your DD has a step brother/sister. See what happens.

SeaSickSal Fri 30-Aug-13 22:19:44

If you really want to meet her or contact her DO NOT DO IT DURING HER EARLY PREGNANCY. It sounds like there are a lot of issues here and that it could cause a lot of stress and upset. Really I would think that you owe it to her as another woman to wait until she's around the five month mark before you do anything.

Start by building little bridges, talk to your ex and say you would like to meet her some time. Maybe pass a card via your ex saying congratulations on the baby and how excited your daughter is. Then send a gift when the baby is born. Take baby steps and hopefully you will build up a relationship.

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 22:21:26

Froken - I'm not asking for anything. I just wondered if it was weird.

BrokenSunglasses - I pick DD up from his parents, or my mum does if i'm working. They are never there. He is at work, don't know about his wife, assuming work or whatever.

Missus - I fetch her at weekends on fridays. From his parents.

I haven't seen my ex since the incident when he knocked me over. I don't want that sort of scene. It was very distressing for me the way he acted. It was weird. We'd been making more progress than ever before as far as communication went and he just went weird.

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 22:23:44

Sal - I have no intention of meeting her. I don't know how pregnant she is. My daughter mentioned it because she asked if i was going to the gym when i was putting some of my clothes away in a bag, and i said 'no dont be silly mummys got a baby in her belly' and she said 'X goes to the gym' and i said 'X hasn't got a big old baby in her tummy though silly!' and she told me she has and told me her daddy put it there and itll come out when its big enough like mine.

I don't know anything else.

I just wondered if it was a weird situation.

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 30-Aug-13 22:24:37

OP, your DD has been living with this woman for a number of years. You are 6months pregnant and have a 2yo. Leave it.

You have enough on your plate. Accept that for whatever reasons she does not want to meet you right now and work on sorting out your own life before the baby comes.smile

Your daughter is happy, they are not cutting you out of her life, so leave it.

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 22:28:54

Samnella - Yeah i can see from her perspective if she isn't getting the whole story.

If he tells her the same things he tells her Dad its more understandable too, his Dad says weird things to me, like a few weeks ago he said something to me about me threatening him (my ex) with social services, which i've never done. I asked what he meant but he never answered.

His mum has accused me of weird stuff too over the years. They didn't know i had an ectopic pregnancy or anything before my daughter (with the ex), and his mum used to ring me saying things that didn't make sense too.

2rebecca Fri 30-Aug-13 22:31:48

I think if you want to meet her then you have to start being more pleasant about her and make your ex and her feel that meeting you is in their interest as well.
I don't think it's necessary to meet ex partners other halves. My ex avoids my current husband if possible and I haven't met his current girlfriend (of about 6 months) although I see my ex regularly. I'm not avoiding his girlfriend they just don't live together and she lives in another town so there's no reason why I would meet her. My kids are teenagers and are happy with her and her kids and I suspect I'll bump into her some day. I can't even remember her name although I'm sure i've been told it. She's important to my ex and to a lesser extent to my kids but not to me.
I wouldn't want another woman talking about my kids as though they are theirs though. It doesn't matter if their father is the resident parent or not. Step parents shouldn't try and take over someone else's kids, although women are usually worse at trying to make step fathers take on a parenting role and pushing out the real dad than men are in the same situation.

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 22:31:57

Dione - My lifes perfectly fine. I just wondered if it was weird. I dont know anyone else who is separated so i dont know how things are done.

Like i said i was 18 when my dad got a new partner so i met her of my own free will so thats a bit different.

I'm not unhappy with the situation with DD living with him, and i'm not crying myself to sleep over his wife not meeting me, i just wondered if it was the norm.

I didnt want to post anywhere else because its anonymous and i dont want him to think its a good way to get at me or something (He says random shit to get at me sometimes).

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 22:32:57

Rebecca - I'm not that fussed, i trust his judgement, if i didn't i'd involve authorities or the family courts.

I just wondered if it was weird.

I only wanted to contact her that time becase i thuoght it was the done thing. And now i don't know if it is. Hence my asking.

If you're not bothered then why does it matter whether it's weird or not?

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 22:40:56

Missus - I just dont really have anyone to ask and i've wondered for a while. I don't talk about it much IRL anyway. Posting this was quite hard after the last incident when he went weird. I can't really go in to it.

My friends don't like him so they're biased anyway because they think he hit me or something (He didn't) so if i ask friends i worry they're agreeing with me because they just don't like him.

I was feeling a bit brave but i probably shouldn't have.

Sorry, that sounded quite snooty and I didn't mean it to.

It sounds like there's more going on here though...

OHforDUCKScake Fri 30-Aug-13 22:46:51

OP id give up and hide this thread if I were you. People are ripping you to shreds and will continue to do so.

From what you have said its a complex but relatively fair situation. I say relatively because you should have met her, and known she was pregnant because the two are huge things in your daughters life.

But because it is complex, I think people are think hang on, theres more to this. Lets dig til she spills. Theres two sides to every story, that people on here will not let go.

Like you said, you wanted to know if it was weird. I think its out of the ordinary but your whole sitiation is.

I hope the future for you all is calmer and better communicated. smile

OHforDUCKScake Fri 30-Aug-13 22:48:32

Ergh yuck how patronising did I sound?

I was going for empathy.

Sorry about that.

OHforDUCKScake Fri 30-Aug-13 22:50:03

(P.S I would have blatantly Googled her name too. Like most people on here, even if they deny it).

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 22:51:19

Yeah, I can't really get into it. It's in the past. I'm off to bed, my two year old has woken up and managed to headbutt me on the nose and it's bloody sore, so i have my tooth filling and my sore nose to use to extract sympathy chocolate from my other halfs stash i know he bought home earlier and has conveniently not mentioned it to chocolate fiend here.

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