To be a bit hmmmm about DP asking me to pay for his divorce?

(123 Posts)
infinitemonkeys Thu 29-Aug-13 17:54:47

I'll try to keep this simple.
DP had been separated a year before we met. After we'd been together a couple of years and were talking about having kids, I made it very clear that he would need to get divorced beforehand.

He dragged his feet, and the divorce was eventually finalised a couple of months after our baby was born this year. He has to pay £1,500 in solicitor fees etc and has just received the invoice.

he has just asked me if I'll give him the money to pay the invoice.

As background: I earn approx 4x more than him, have never asked him to contribute to any household bills (although he tends to get the food shopping and one-off things like vet bills). He received a benefit backpayment of just over a grand last year which related to the house he shared with his exW, which I thought he'd put aside to cover the divorce.

I've asked him why he doesn't have the money to pay this bill and his response was, "money just goes, doesn't it?".

Am I being U to feel a bit peeved and to tell him to pay for his own bloody divorce? I also bought every single thing for our baby and he didn't offer once to buy anything....

Or should I just see it as a family expense and pay up?

Really not sure how to feel about this!

waltzingmathilda Thu 29-Aug-13 17:56:32

Cocklodger. That is all.

HotCrossPun Thu 29-Aug-13 17:57:23

I think it's really cheeky to ask you to pay the full amount, however much you earn.

Did I read correctly that the only thing he pays for is some food? No housing costs or anything? What does he spend his money on?

Is there a deadline it needs to be paid by or could he spread it out over a few of his wages?

CSIJanner Thu 29-Aug-13 17:57:26

YANBU

His financial cock up, his problem, his bill.

JumpingJackSprat Thu 29-Aug-13 17:58:27

Dont pay.

so what does he spend his money on? His bill, he pays.

Squitten Thu 29-Aug-13 17:58:51

Well why wouldn't he expect you to pay for it? Apparently you're perfectly happy to pay for everything else.

What does he contribute to the household exactly?

AnyFucker Thu 29-Aug-13 17:58:58

You have found yourself a cocklodger there.

Is the reason why you didn't see this before because he has made a direct request about his divorce from another woman and that rankles a bit more ? I suggest you closely examine the rest of his behaviour.

schmee Thu 29-Aug-13 17:58:59

You should probably have sorted out how you were going to manage your finances between the two of you before you had a baby together. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you can't just muddle along. You sound a bit resentful about what you are paying for, but if you are in a relationship and have a child then it can't really be a case of "he paid, she paid".

Cluffyflump Thu 29-Aug-13 17:59:38

What does he spend his wages on?

WilsonFrickett Thu 29-Aug-13 18:00:14

I'm on the fence about this one.
I would normally say big expenses were part of the household money, and tbf, you wanted him to get divorced too.

But I don't know, there's just something a bit - well, cocklodgery - about being asked to pay for all of someone else's divorce. But I don't know if I'm being entirely fair about that.

<splinters>

How do you feel about your financial situation the rest of the time? Is he working? Does he do his share around the house, etc?

AnyFucker Thu 29-Aug-13 18:00:19

I think it's more a case of "she paid, she paid" and the penny might be finally dropping.

motherinferior Thu 29-Aug-13 18:00:45

Of course it can be 'he paid, she paid'. WE all manage finances differently. And telling her now she should have talked about it before is not really useful.

Personally, I agree, though, with all the people who think he's ripping you off.

motherinferior Thu 29-Aug-13 18:01:14

We've muddled along for years. Works a damn sight better, in our case, than pooling all the cash.

Sorry, but you do not have a DP; you have a very expensive pet.

I am intrigued that it didn't occur to him to get divorced, without prompting.

schmee Thu 29-Aug-13 18:06:11

I'm a SAHM - does that make me a cuntlodger?

Onesleeptillwembley Thu 29-Aug-13 18:06:52

Wow! Please don't have a child with this scrounger. Find a grown up.

meditrina Thu 29-Aug-13 18:07:48

Well, the bill has to be paid. So perhaps you'll have to do so, fair or unfair.

As you have a DC, what you need to do now is talk through your finances and work out exactly what how family finances are going to be run. And whilst you're about it sort out your Wills, ownership of major assets, life assurance and other insurances etc. This is not an area you can stick your head in the sand about - all that does is leave your ass exposed.

HotCrossPun Thu 29-Aug-13 18:08:36

schmee The OP's DP isn't a SAHD as far as we can see. He earns his own money and chooses not to spend it on the household.

WilsonFrickett Thu 29-Aug-13 18:09:41

Also, have you actually seen the bill?

Wouldn't he have got legal aid if he's not working? And I can't see the XP wanting more than a quick, uncontested divorce from this prince amongst men which really doesn't cost 3k...

CookieLady Thu 29-Aug-13 18:10:18

Why the fuck should you pay? Hell no, YADNU!

cantspel Thu 29-Aug-13 18:11:19

Funny how all money is family money when the bloke is earning it but a bloke becomes a cocklodger if he earns and pays less.

You wanted him to divorce so you should help towards the bill. Maybe work it out on your earnings so he would pay 1/4 and you the rest.

infinitemonkeys Thu 29-Aug-13 18:11:21

I don't mind the fact that I cover the bills while he just pays the smaller stuff. We both work full time - unfortunately he works in an industry that was hard hit by the economic downturn (we don't live in the UK), so his pay has dropped in the past few years (prior to us meeting) by about 70%. He does his share with the baby and around the house, and isn't out drinking every weekend. In fact, his only outlay is petrol to get to work and lunches etc. I can understand that he's not got the full £1500, but I think he should have been less profligate really and made sure he had it.

It rankles because it's not a bill from our family, but rather from his life pre-us, and yet I have to pay for it with money I'd rather spend on our baby.

Thank you all for replying so far, you're helping me see I'm not being U to feel a bit put out!

HalfSpamHalfBrisket Thu 29-Aug-13 18:12:58

God I bailed DP out for years - he also dragged his heels with his divorce and it only happened because his ex wanted to get remarried.
To be honest it destroyed my respect for him, I still think less of him even though he does contribute his fair share these days.

And had I been on mumsnet when this was all happening I can guarantee I would have binned him!

MatureUniStudent Thu 29-Aug-13 18:14:17

Pay but ensure he has a repayment scheme in place to pay you back. You can always save the repayments for a family holiday

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