To request XP come to me for DS?

(54 Posts)

XP and I split up 18 months ago. He has always maintained contact with our DS,3 weekly.
He lives 40 miles away. Until recently I have been meeting him in a city which is halfway between our houses. He is banned from driving for drink driving, so he also has to rely on public transport.
His mother has been meeting me also, as a favour to him. She has a car.
XP has never given me a penny for our DS. I have told him that I cannot afford to come to this city and meet him, as I don't think it's fair as I get no maintenance from him. I have not reported him to CSA. I have asked him for money in the past and the excuses are "I'm between jobs" and "I'm on the dole" repeat ad nauseum.
His DM (Who enables him to forever be "Between jobs) has just sent me a very guilt-trippy text saying how she is going to take things further etc and that XP cannot afford to come get DS.
However XP can most certainly afford cans of Stella.
Am I being unreasonable or should I stick to my guns. XP and his DM will not hear of it that he should pay maintenance, as I claim tax credits hmm
By the way, he's 40.

God knows how much they think tax credits is!!

Redorwhitejusthaveboth Fri 30-Aug-13 13:14:04

Good response to their argument they don't need to pay as you are getting tax credits is ' you have a moral
Obligation to contribute financially towards your child's upbringing' ... Shuts my ex up every time wink

CruCru Fri 30-Aug-13 13:02:11

This sort of site is useful if these sort of situations. Have you also contacted the CAB?

Thanks everyone. I couldn't help but feel like a bitch when XMIL texted me, but I know I'm right. I'm sticking to my guns. It amazing how MNers are on the same page about stuff. thanks

IJustNeedANap Fri 30-Aug-13 11:18:44

I'm glad you contacted CSA Pp

ShelleyGal Fri 30-Aug-13 11:13:34

Yes! Them taking me to court after everything they put me through, was the best thing that could have happened. Also, I had the guilt trip texts, the 'she won't let me see my kids' statuses on fb.. Ignore it all and stay strong! The court will see right through any shit he/she comes out with. You don't have to run around after them, they should make every effort to see the kids. Honestly, best of luck smile

aww poor boy... getting his mummy to fight his battles for him. he sounds charming!

good luck op. well done for contacting csa. it amazes me how many women actually dont contact them confused

shelley I'm loving your posts. They really do know how to shoot their own feet don't they?

It is also not my fault that he drove OUR car drunk and was caught.

ShelleyGal Fri 30-Aug-13 10:48:39

Also, sorry for double posting but my ex signs on and works.. I went CSA got awarded 2.50 per week.. In court he was made to look like a total arse so he now gives me 30 per week. The best thing she could do would be to take it further for you!

Shelley thanks, its exactly the same situation. I think my XP might be opening a can of worms for himself if CAFCASS get involved.

I don't know how she dares. I'm annoyed with her for guilt-tripping me. For the millionth time XMIL, I AM NOT SAYING YOU OR XP CANT SEE HIM!!
I'm fascinated about their "Further Action"
Thanks everyone, I'm much more confident in my right-ness now.

ShelleyGal Fri 30-Aug-13 10:46:02

YANBU what is she going to do taking it further? I went to court with my ex and now he has to pick children up from me, same situation he lost his licence for drink driving. I was doing all running around but couldn't afford to anymore. Court ruled he must pick kids up. Now his mum or sister drives him. Good luck smile

BlackeyedSusan Fri 30-Aug-13 10:41:25

not putting ds first. perhaps she meant her ds? hmm

what would happen to ds if you took the same attitude as his dad? live on fresh air probably.

Buskerscat I know, and he will purposely stay on the dole for this reason.

susan yes, there will be hissy fits. And yes, I will do a better job. She accused me by text yesterday of "Not putting DS first" I could have passed out with rage. Every single minute of the day I put this child first. Her son is useless and when we were together never lifted a finger to help. TBH I never wanted him to, if he didn't want to help, I was damned if I was going to make him. I will do it myself.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrgh. As you were. grin

She knows he will not give us anything, she just backs his excuses up, and is of the same opinion as him, ie "Well you get tax credits don't you?".

You cannot tell this woman home truths. All their family agree with this fact. He is golden boy. It must be seen to be believed. angry

BuskersCat Fri 30-Aug-13 10:31:51

If he is claiming benefits, they will take £5 a week off him so you wont get nothing at all.

BlackeyedSusan Fri 30-Aug-13 10:31:01

aaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh

these sort of people wind me right up. I am sure you will do a bette job of raising you child to be a grown up.

glad you reported him. expect there will be some come back though as he/mum has a tantrum.

Sparklymommy Fri 30-Aug-13 10:27:44

I never understand why some NRP think once they leave the family their financial responsibility ends to any children they have created. I think in this case you really need to put a claim in to the CSA.

However, before doing that perhaps it would be an idea to have a little chat with his mother and ask her why she thinks you are being unreasonable. It could be that she is unaware of her sons behaviour and maybe you need to give her a few home truths!

Right, I reported him after I left MN yest, gave them his phone numbers, address and his muumys address just to be sure. I have told them he is SE and currently on dole, and they are going to contact him. I live in hope.
Susan grin ikkle boy

bisjo yes, I have thought of this, also. He is not beyond it. If I could tell you the affluent village he bloody well lives in, it would out me. It must be at least £600 pcm for his rent. Its for sure mummy is payrolling part of that.

difficultpickle Fri 30-Aug-13 10:14:09

I would contact the CSA. If he is a trademan then he is likely to be self employed so will have the ability to hide his true income from the CSA. I don't think you have anything to lose as you won't get much from the CSA but at least you will get something. My ex is a self employed plumber who apparently only earns net £170 a week. He lives in a large house in a wealthy area where plumbers charge £200 a day and afaik he has plenty of work. Unfortunately I cannot prove that he is living beyond his means so HMRC can do nothing and the CSA can only go on his declared earnings as filed in his tax return.

If you get the right person the CSA can be very helpful indeed. They managed to collect £3,000 in arrears (when ex wasn't hiding his income as he'd filed his tax return before I made my first claim) when he said that I wouldn't see a penny.

BlackeyedSusan Fri 30-Aug-13 10:04:31

<checks watch>

<grumps> "this is not soon"

how did reporting mummy's iccle boy go?

By the way I'm ringing CSA shortly. Be back soon.

Thanks for your replies everyone. I know this seems a trivial argument, but I just get so pissed off with them.
I am fully aware of the implications of him attempting to take me to family court. If I'm right I think CAFCASS do a report on him, he has previous convictions for possession of drugs and DV. I have a clean record.
He's not going to do himself any favours.
You have all made really good points, thankyou.

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