Should I tell my parents that my husband doesn't want me to go to my sisters birthday party

[bengal38]

My husband and my family don't get on. Well, nothing has actually happened but my husband refuses to go round and my parents refuse to come round here. This has been an on-going problem for me and I feel stuck in the middle.

My husband doesn't like it when I go round to my parents house for dinner (I do go) but he doesn't actually say anything to me - I can tell as he gets all moody before I go with the children (12 and 9).

Its my sisters birthday coming up and me, my 2 sisters and my mum have booked to go to a restaurant to eat at 9pm. My husband said he doesn't want me to go as he doesn't want to be at home with the children on this night. He works shift work and he said that on this day he is going to go into work so that I can't go out. He also said that the children are not to go to his mums for the night on this particular night either.

Am I being unreasonable to just go and leave him with the children even though it will start a very big arguement and I wont obviously have a nice time or should or just not go?

Also should I tell my parents the truth or just say to them that I can't go. Obviously they will ask me why so do I say that my husband is going to work even though he isn't.

[Montybojangles]

This has nothing to do with your parents. It's your husband you need to be telling something to!

[harverina]

Your husband is being unreasonable.

Why is he making it so difficult for you to spend time with your family? Did something happen in the past that has made him angry? Bit strange for nothing to have happened but for him to react so strongly to you going to a birthday meal.

I would go and arrange alternative child are arrangements if my dh was being so difficult.

[Wilding]

Your husband's being a dick. Who does he think he is, stopping you from seeing your family? You need to nip this one in the bud, love - red flags all over this one.

[SilverApples]

You have a husband who is controlling your choices and your relationships with members of your own family. He can choose not to attend, that's fair.
But he has no grounds to stop you or your children, has he always dictated what happens? That's not a relationship of equals, and it's no way to live.
In the short term, I'd go and sort out alternative care for the children, is his mother as intimidated as you by his rulings?
In the long term, I'd be wondering why I was living with him, and what the alternatives were. Then I'd do something about it, discussion, counselling, separation, divorce...only you can decide, but I couldn't live with that level of control.

[ThereGoesTheYear]

Your husband is being very controlling. This is not usually an isolated dickish trait. Tell us more about your relationship.
Of course you should go and of course you should tell your parents. If you feel your DC would suffer ie be brought into the argument by your husband, then bring them to your mother's.

[pictish]

Err...I think it's your husband you need to be having words with here!

Since when does he get to control your relationship with your own family like this? Why the hell do you put up with it? It's not his decision and he doesn't get a say. This business of him being deliberately obstructive regarding childcare is disgusting behaviour!

[overmydeadbody]

Your DH can't tell you where you can or can't go. He has no right to be so controlling.

it's your sister's birthday, of course you must go!

Just take the kids to his mum's if that is the usual arrangement, provided she is happy with that, or just book a babysitter if your DH isn't home. Then bill him.

You don't have to put up with his controlling behaviour you know.

[Jewelledkaleidoscope]

Be honest with your family.

Then they'll understand that you're married to a controlling arse.

[worldgonecrazy]

He sounds like a selfish arsehole. They are your family, and if you don't have a problem with them, then he is definitely being unreasonable to expect you to side with him.

I'd get a babysitter in for the night and go and enjoy yourself. That way he can't get his family to refuse to have the children.

[Hegsy]

Seriously? Why are you letting him try to control you like this? It's the husband I'd be ditching not your family.

[MidniteScribbler]

He sounds like an utter dickhead.

[Binkyridesagain]

Do you think the reason your parents won't visit you is because they can see your husband for what he is, a controlling wanker? and also the reason why your husband doesn't want to see them is because he knows they know. He doesn't want you or the children to see them because he wants you all isolated and dependent on him.

He's controlling, what else in you life have you no say over?

[Shakirasma]

LTB, seriously.

[FetchezLaVache]

I'm sorry, but it sounds like your family have a point.

[gamerchick]

Fuck that make other arrangements or take them with you. If my bloke pulled a stunt like that I would find it hard to respect him much.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

Has he always been like this? He is being very controlling, does he 'let' you see your friends too or is it just your family he has a problem with? He sounds like a twat.

[Mia4]

Your DH is being unreasonable. WHy is he like this to your family? Doeshe view them as toxic? Do they view him? From just your OP, it sounds like he's possessive and controlling, hence why he dislikes them, and they can see it, hence why they dislike him.

Call your MIL, take the kids over.

[BrokenSunglasses]

Your husband is being a complete and utter tosser.

Even if he has good reason to not want to see your family himself, which he may, then he has no right to try and control what you do and he has no right to try and separate his children from the other side of their family, assuming your family aren't abusive or a risk to your children in any way.

Unless you are going to come back and tell us something awful that your family has done, then your DH is the one who you need to stand up to. Telling your parents of his behaviour now is only going to give them valid reason to dislike him more.

Sort out a babysitter as clearly this man child can't even be bothered to look after his own children for a night, and go out with your sister. Do not allow him to destroy your relationship with your family.

[Buzzardbird]

I think you will be needing your families support pretty soon as they seem to see in your husband something you don't.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Wow - he's sounds like a catch!!!!
You need to tell him you are going and that he is looking after HIS children.
If you can't do that then you are in a relationship that you need to get out of!
He sounds awful.
Make sure you go. Do NOT bow down to his controlling behaviour.
You seriously need to think about this long term.
It is not normal and it is not good!

[neolara]

Why don't you organise a babysitter. And I"m sorry, but unless there is something enormous you haven't told us about why your dh dislikes your parents and sister, all the other posters are right about your dh.

[mumblechum1]

Just wondering whether the OP's nickname has a bearing on the situation, ie are there cultural issues?

[SmiteYouWithThunderbolts]

This is really very alarming behaviour from him. He is deliberately restricting your access to your family, putting unreasonable obstacles in your way and manipulating you to stop you spending time with people HE decides you shouldn't see.

Speak to your family about this and really give some serious thought about whether you want to spend your life with such a controlling arsehole.

[whois]

Wow. Sounds like a totally fucking dick head. Don't let him isolate you from friends and family! Go, organise a baby sitter, take them with you but DO go. And then have a serious think about your relationship.

[bengal38]

We have had a big arguement last night about it and to be honest I am fed up of arguing with him over my family.

This all started 13 years ago at my nephews christening because they had a Arsenal theme and he supports Spurs. He thought they did it on purpose to get to him. Since then it has been little things that have just built up into mountain-holes. He refused to go to my dads 65th birthday as well.

What should I say to my mum? Should I just tell her he doesn't want me to go? My mum is very hot-headed when it comes to his behaviour. I told my husband last night that I will tell my parents he doesn't want me to go and he said that if I do that I will make him look like the bad one.