In thinking MIL is seriously overstepping

(364 Posts)
Fairy1303 Wed 28-Aug-13 05:25:46

I have posted similar before.

DSD(8) lives with us. Before me DH was a young single parent so MIL helped him a lot. As a result I have been more lenient with her blatant disregard for our family life.

We also have a 9 week old DS.

These things seem small, but she often lets herself into my house. She makes a beeline for DSDs room ( often with a brief you don't mind do you?... Over her shoulder), cleans it up, collects her laundry, makes her bed.

DSD went to stay for a few days over hols. Decided she didn't like a belt on some trousers. MIL "oh DSD says she doesn't like belt, so I have kept it." Why? Why not send it home and let me deal with it??

She 'popped' round today, asked me if she could take the children's washing home. Was visibly surprised and annoyed when I said I'd done it. Just to point up here - I'm not the type to have mountains of laundry piling up, she will literally leap on a few pairs of pants.

She also said "by the way, I'd you know the baby has a drs app on tues? I saw the note in your nappy bag. Who does she think made it????!!!

I may be sleep deprived over sensitive but this is lik, every other day. She is overstepping the mark isn't she??

It is constant. I feel that she thinks I am incapable, which I'm not.

Oh and we have lived together for 4 years now so I'm hardly new on the scene!

DameDeepRedBetty Fri 04-Oct-13 11:22:54

Thread continues here

LongTailedTit Sun 08-Sep-13 19:55:48

What a relief! Well done Mr Fairy. smile

Perhaps arrange the meet up on neutral territory, tea and cake or something.

Phew, so glad your DH has sorted it out.

MrsWickens Sun 08-Sep-13 11:11:03

Glad to hear your DH has stepped in!

As for DSD seeing Granny why don't you arrange to meet her somewhere other than your home so she has no chance of falling into old habits! Maybe you could say you are going to the park, going for a walk somewhere, going window shopping in town and say she is welcome to join you. Or failing that, can your DH take DSD to see Granny at her house so you can enjoy some peace and quiet at home?

UnicornsNotRiddenByGrownUps Sun 08-Sep-13 11:08:06

Sounds like things are looking up. Take you time. Enjoy the feeling of freedom!

LozzaCro Sun 08-Sep-13 10:09:04

Ah Fairy.

Well done your DH. My OH still very much panders to his mother - but he has seen the light these last few months and I have put my foot down with the constant calls, guilt trips to go visit every other day etc etc. It is different for us, because OH father passed away some 3 years ago, so she relies on him for the littlest of things. It is important to know that he is one of 4 boys - two of which she see's 4-5 times a year at most and they live closer to her than us?

Anyway! Enjoy your quiet time, and remember that her behaviour is very un natural - and controlling. It will calm down and blow over xx

Fairy1303 Sun 08-Sep-13 08:19:39

Also wanted to say thank you for all your support, you have all been amazing. For a while there I thought I might be going a bit crazy getting so upset with her and you gave me the push needed to make some desperately needed changes x

Fairy1303 Sun 08-Sep-13 08:17:52

Things are ok thanks, the abusive ranting messages have stopped now since DH stepped in and I have welcomed the break. DSD has been asking when we are next seeing granny as she hasn't seen her in so long so I am going to have to contact to arrange some sort of visit soon but I am putting it off at the mo!

MissMarplesBloomers Sun 08-Sep-13 07:17:24

Hows things with you Fairy?

beginnings Sat 07-Sep-13 21:12:39

Block her. And make sure your DH stays onside. He sounds great. OP you are clearly a fab Mum, to both your children. They're very lucky to have you. Best of luck as you get through the PND.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 05-Sep-13 10:02:10

She won't go to a doc because they don't tend to treat manipulation like an illness

ovenbun Thu 05-Sep-13 08:21:19

This is exactly what I thought your MIL would do...and things will probably get a little worse before they get better...shes like a toddler having a tantrum...be consistent stick with it and things will get better.

As for you you are not a crap mum at all...please dont believe that.

You will make it through this smile

xxx

Ireallymustbemad Wed 04-Sep-13 22:05:44

Oh dear OP - I'd been hoping DH had had words and she's accepted she needed to step back a bit.

Really sorry to hear that she has turned so nasty. Really sorry also to hear that you have PND

Please don't think you're a bad mum, you sound like a very good mum and stepmum to me.

Take care of yourself, I'm glad DH is being supportive.

SarahAndFuck Wed 04-Sep-13 21:45:07

You sound like you are coping very well to me.

I know I keep talking about my MIL, but she sounds very much of a type with yours.

I did my best for years to get along with her, to find a compromise, to bite my tongue for the sake of not rocking the boat.

When I finally stopped putting her feelings first while she trampled all over mine, all hell broke loose, much as you have described.

And my big mistake was to try and reason or argue with her. I thought it might help her understand but she didn't want to. It didn't matter to her what I did or said, it was fuel to her fire and that was all good in her eyes.

When I eventually realised that I was not getting though to her, I stopped trying. My actual words were falling on deaf ears and she was just taking them and using them against me rather than listening.

That was when I realised that she would never change her behaviour, which is what I was hoping for, but that I could change mine.

I blocked her number, returned her letters unopened, refused to see her and left DH to deal with her as he chose. And because I had issues with the way she treated DS, I stopped PILs from seeing him too. That was a hard decision but I believe necessary. And I made it clear to everybody that I would not change my mind until she had changed the way she was behaving.

She still hasn't, she still seems to think that pushing and bullying and making people feel guilty and crying and making demands is the best way to force people to want to be with her.

I hope it doesn't get that extreme in your case, but to be honest it sounds like it's well on the way. I hope your DH is being supportive and can continue to be in the face of the onslaught.

But please don't feel ashamed about your PND or believe you are a crap mum. You are not.

LongTailedTit Wed 04-Sep-13 21:00:51

I'm sorry it's turned out like this Fairy. sad Really not what you need with a new baby!

A combination of anti-Ds and CBT helped me deal with mine, though currently I'm getting a rather good endorphin rush from laughing my arse off at 'Funniest Ever You've Been Framed'... grin

2rebecca makes a very good point - given that you've both shown you're not going to stand for it, what on earth does she think she can gain by haranguing you and being unpleasant? The only logical thing is to back off and see less of her, she's hardly endearing herself to you.
She has been hoisted by her own petard. The prat.

LozzaCro Wed 04-Sep-13 20:42:32

Hi Fairy.
I have just read the whole thread, and I must say you have acted with restraint and calm that I could only dream of. My MIL is bi polar and uses very similar tactics to get her way. She calls DP up to 4/5 times a day, insists he visits at least twice a week and gets very tetchy if DS is not with him. I have removed myself from the equation to save my sanity. It works so far!
Please don't doubt yourself, look at how many people are agreeing with you and confirming she is nutty. She is stamping her feet because she isn't getting her own way.
Stay strong!
Lxx

KoalaFace Wed 04-Sep-13 19:48:22

shock What a self involved, self obsessed specimen she is!

You'd think she'd be so pleased to have you in DSD's life, looking after her and giving her a nice, stable family home. Instead she is dwelling on what she wants. Selfish.

I'm so sorry you're going through this as well as PND which comes with its own set of challenges.

You are doing amazingly well as a DM, DSM, DW and DIL. I hope your DH continues to support you and I agree with the PP who said its best to leave him to handle PIL from now on while you concentrate on yourself and your family.

Katisha Wed 04-Sep-13 19:35:46

Gosh she's spectacular. Glad DH is on board and not going for he quiet life route, but disappointed to see FIL is busy enabling.

UnicornsNotRiddenByGrownUps Wed 04-Sep-13 18:59:05

You're a good Mum, you are selfless and care so much about your little family. Your MiL is a crazy lady who sounds very narcissistic. My Mum can be like this and no matter what happens it has to be all about them.

(Example from this week: I was very ill, mentioned it to my Dad when he phoned about something.... Mum then calls back and proceeds to stay on the phone for 45 mins. Very woe is me because I didn't inform her and why do I never tell her anything.... hmm)

Fairy would you like to come hide in my house? I have doors that lock and no-one else has the key smilesmilesmile

auntpetunia Wed 04-Sep-13 18:43:23

She's a bloody psycho! She needs medical help. You are not a crap mother! She has serious issues. I agree cheap paygo phone and swap sim into it, and just ignore it.

Quangle Wed 04-Sep-13 17:53:00

Wow. To be honest, the "depression and insomnia" bit just made me want to laugh <mean>

What a self-obsessed nutcase. OP you have done a sterling job in horrific circumstances. I can't really get beyond coming into your house and taking things because she "thought you wouldn't need them" - shock

I'm not entirely sure your DH shouldn't be handling all of this but to be honest it sounds like she's too much for him so you end up handling it. This is why MIL/DIL issues blow up - because the people who should be managing it (DHs and also in this case FIL) take a back seat.

Stay firm OP - you are not wrong about any of this. Help is fine but she's not helping - she's manipulating all of you.

2rebecca Wed 04-Sep-13 17:25:46

I think your husband needs to firmly tell her that if you push someone their natural response is to either back off or push you back and this is what is happening here. She has to accept she is not her grand daughter's parent and stop expecting to be treated like one and back off and stop being so unpleasant and demanding and self centred.

Squitten Wed 04-Sep-13 16:10:24

I've just read the whole thread with my mouth hanging open! She is really determined that you are not going to be any sort of parent to that girl, isn't she?! She really does sound a bit unhinged...

All you can do now is step back from her TBH. She seems hell-bent on continuing to behave this way and nothing either you or your DH are saying to her is having the slightest effect. I wouldn't respond to any of these messages and just let her stew until she (hopefully!) comes to her senses. I wouldn't let her in the house under any circumstances. Definitely don't tell her about the PND - it's irrelevant to this particular situation and she'll just try to use it against you.

fluffyraggies Wed 04-Sep-13 16:05:18

It's the PND making you doubt yourself. (hug) And MIL is adding to it.

You are not a crap mum.
You are not a crap mum.
You are not a crap mum.

You are a wonderful mum smile

I hesitate to say this - but the escalation of her madness behaviour is at least proving what you knew all along - that there is something wrong with her, not you.

It was borderline stuff before maybe. At the beginning of this thread there were some posters on the fence about her actions.

No doubt about it now OP! You have every right to keep her well at arms length for your and your families sake. It's a sad situation - but at least now it's obvious to anyone with an oz of sense that you are so not the one being unreasonable.

Block her no. and let DH deal with her.

mynameismskane Wed 04-Sep-13 15:50:04

You ARE NOT A CRAP MUM! She is a deluded, sick woman and you have been amazingly restrained! Don't - don't, don't, don't, get sucked in by ANYTHING she says!

Viking1 Wed 04-Sep-13 14:38:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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