To think my niece is very troubled

[scottishegg]

Hi I am a mum of 2 children 2 boys aged 13 and 6, I live about an hour away from my family and see them about once every 2/3 months.

I have always had a very close relationship with my older brother but this is increasingly becoming strained due to the relationship between our two youngest children.

Our children are very close in age but are very different characters. My Niece who is 8 has always been quite a challenging child in my mind and has in the last few years become very spiteful to my youngest son, I have noticed that she will pinch, hit and scratch my son and when he retaliates she then plays the victim.

My son is a gentle child but can be a bit of a drama queen and very often if my niece hurts him will overreact and then is the one who gets into trouble especially with my brother who thinks boys should be tough.

I have closely observed them and I'm not saying my son is perfect but my niece starts most of the arguments and seems to enjoy getting him into trouble this seems above and beyond that of normal child arguments and is almost systematic bullying.

Other family members have noticed this including my two younger sisters but my brother and his fiancée are oblivious and very often tell my son off and very much think it takes two to tango .

My niece has an older half sister who has been very spiteful to her in the past and this has largely gone unpunished so I fear the victim has become the bully.

Its getting to the stage where I want to avoid her to protect my son but fear this will break down my family as I love my niece and want to help her.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[RiotsNotDiets]

Troubled is a bit much, she's only 8!
Is she bullied at school?

[wonderingsoul]

I have noticed that she will pinch, hit and scratch

that is beyound acceptable, shes 8. she knwos full well thats not right, and i would be worried if a child of that age was doing things liek that,

i think you are right though, she has become the bully, personally next time she does it i would pull her up on it, make her stand at the wall/naughty step. if your brother isnt going to do it, some one has to.

i would also try to have a word with her, try and get her to open up.

[thebody]

they are 8!! insist they stay in the sane room as you so you can see what's going on.

second tell your son its not ok for his cousin to attack him like this so tell him to whack her back or come and tell you what happened. either way its sorted isn't it?

a sensitive child is fine, a drama queen is a pita.

[AintNobodyGotTimeFerThat]

Have you had an honest and frank conversation with your brother?
Told him you have yourself witnessed how she has behaved and feel it's not nice.
Does he know how his partners daughter has treated her? Perhaps if he understood he may well understand why she is behaving this way and be able to address it properly.
Perhaps he does know and that's why he is letting her off lightly, but he isn't doing her any favours because she will most definitely be told off in a school environment.

[AintNobodyGotTimeFerThat]

thebody Is hitting another child back better than someone coming to tell you?

He may be a drama queen but he has good reason to be annoyed with his cousin, hasn't he?

I can't see why calling him a pain in the ass is helpful.

Maybe I am missing something.

[scottishegg]

Hes not dramatic in other areas of his life or with other people though just around her. He had hit her back but then she plays the victim card and gets him into trouble as he is more obvious with it. I try and pull her up on it but don't want to appear overly harsh or one sided. Its really complex.

[Mindmaps]

He's probably a drama queen as he feels pissed off at getting told off for being hit - I hate 'man up' type of responses from people who's kids are in the wrong.

[RiotsNotDiets]

Maybe you could try taking DS and your niece out to something, just the three of you, do something they both like so they can bond over a mutual interest. Maybe something like those pot painting cafes?

[Mindmaps]

Its only complex if you let your sons feelings about himself and his 'valuableness' to you take second place to upsetting adults

[fabergeegg]

Don't know what's the matter with some of these posters OP. It's kind of you to be prepared to think about how your niece is feeling when she's causing your child so much grief. And yes, children certainly can be troubled at eight.

Can I suggest you don't give this an opportunity to happen again by taking care not to leave them in the same room and perhaps pleasantly explaining why to your brother, his fiancé and - perhaps - your niece? You have to change the dynamic and make sure this doesn't continue because that's the only part of this situation that is your responsibility and obligation. No one else is charged with the task of looking out for your son. Since you feel this is a setting where he's at risk, you should be observing for yourself and whether or not he's a drama queen will be irrelevant. I wouldn't for one moment encourage your son to hit back, especially a girl. But perhaps explain that there's a way of putting your point across that will make people pay more attention and that is accomplished by only saying what's true and not exaggerating at all. Not a bad skill to learn, anyway.

I suppose if you have a really great relationship with your brother, you could try going into all this with him but I'd be very doubtful about it coming to anything, especially if he's not interested at the moment. Perhaps if you were to invest some time in your niece on your own, you might be able to help. It's impossible to know if she is really troubled based on what you're describing.

[picnicbasketcase]

Has he ever actually watched them play together to really see his DD picking on your DS? If he doesn't believe you, get him to really observe them together. See if then he still thinks they're as bad as each other.

[Viviennemary]

No child should have to put up with being pinched, hit kicked by another child. I would avoid the people's whose children persist in this behaviour. I have done in the past. Until her behaviour improves you don't visit. If this sounds harsh sorry. But children should not be subjected to bullies.

[RiotsNotDiets]

Children don't stop being bullies if you treat them with contempt.
Also the OP's DS will most likely come across other bullies in life, is the OP supposed to pull him out of every school, club, job where there's a bully? It would make more sense surely to teach him coping strategies for dealing with bullies?

[Viviennemary]

I think you have got a point Riots. But on the other hand I think in a family situation it shouldn't be happening. If it was me I wouldn't visit if my child was being bullied.

[scottishegg]

Thanks for all your help, I'm still pondering what to do but agree that I have to work with my son to help him develop coping strategies and to be very observant in the future. Taking them out together is also a good idea as is spending time one to one with my niece.

[scottishegg]

Thanks for all your help, I'm still pondering what to do but agree that I have to work with my son to help him develop coping strategies and to be very observant in the future. Taking them out together is also a good idea as is spending time one to one with my niece.

[cory]

The only permitted way of dealing with a bully in most schools is to tell an adult so they can deal with any issues (which can work extremely well in a school setting with objective adults who have no personal stake in either child). It doesn't work in the current context because it gets the boy labelled a drama queen. I think I'd be tempted to keep them apart.