To think if my child is friends with your child, it doesn't mean we have to be best friends too...(40 Posts)
I'm getting to the end of my tether with this, and it's getting to the point where I've had enough and want to stop all contact.
Dd made a good friend in school last year. I thought it was great and it was really sweet how they both always held hands and ran to each other for a hug every morning. I still think its great, and am happy for dd and the girl.
Now the annoying part is that the girl's mother thinks she has to be my best friend too. I'm an introvert and I've tried really hard for the sake of dd to meet this woman with my toddler and dd for days out and about. She wants me to go on day trips with her to places like the zoo or beach and I have done a few times but I gradually realised we were spending less and less time with dh on the weekends because of this.
What also annoys me is that I'm always the one inviting the girl around our house. Dd never gets an invite. When I invite the girl, her mother thinks its an open invitation to her and her toddler too. She's even said things like "you never invite me around for a coffee...so I invited her around for coffee and lunch on a school day. Then during the school holidays she again said "you haven't invited us around at all during the summer" because she found out I'd invited one of my Dd's other school friends around for a play. You don't say things like this to someone do you?
Then when I tell her I have friends coming around (I only have a few good friends that I've known my whole life) she'll make comments like "who's that then?" Or if she sees me talking to another mum at the school gates she'll ask me afterwards "who's that you were talking to then?". Or if dd gets a party invite or a play invitation she starts making bitchy comments about the other child's mum and how they're bitches for not inviting her dd.
A few days ago she phoned and asked if I wanted to go to soft play and then back to hers for lunch, I was shocked but said yes. Today (this is why I've started this thread) I've been asked to go out to the park tomorrow instead if the weather was nice. I said no thanks because my SPD is getting worse and last time I went out with her and the children I was in pain for days so can't run after DS in open spaces. Her reply "but you'll be getting on the big slide with Your son anyway, so it can't be that bad" . I told her that I wont be climbing any big slide with him over and over unless he gets stuck and I can generally leave him to entertain himself. It's like she was trying to imply I'm lying.
It may not sound annoying to you, but I like being a loner and I'm feeling suffocated with her constant calls and messages. Maybe I'm overreacting, but really you don't have to be friends with your children's parents do you?
Sorry for the epic post.
She sounds lonely. YANBU to not want days out and weekend activities. But just invite her for a coffee occasionally. And if she insists on coming when you invite her child say you have ironing or are expecting visitors or any other excuse you can think of.
Mintyy, I probably do sound mean because I feel like I've been smothered for months now and I've had enough. This woman apparently told her dd over and over again to write down Dd's name as a choice to be in her class next year. Strangely dd didn't write down her name so they split them up. I've been direct with the birthday party thing, so maybe she'll get the hint from here?
I don't think she's lonely. She's always out either at someone's house or out somewhere else.
Jinty64. I would like to think I'm not the "friend". Nothing could be further from the truth - I find it incredibly difficult asking people to social events or even coffee back at mine. However, I always appreciate it if people wish to be sociable with me. It doesn't mean I always say yes - but I don't think its weird.
I was going to say it wouldn't kill you to be friendly with your DD's friends mum.... But actually she sounds like a bit of a nightmare!
"these people" are still people. Stay away from them if you like, but no need to be a twat about it.
"She's always out either at someone's house or out somewhere else."
She could still be lonely. She could be doing the same thing to lots of people as she is doing to you and feeling like she's not getting what she wants back from them.
I'm probably not explaining what I mean very well but if she is lonely and pushing herself on people they will realise and they won't all like it. For some it will be too much too soon, for others like you it will just be too much.
I've had experience of someone like this and it's hard for all concerned. I'm the sort of person to back off if I feel pushed and the person I know is the sort of person to push harder if she feels someone is backing off.
Who's to say which of us is unreasonable in that? I think we might have to say either neither or both. But if this 'friendship' isn't working for you, you can't go along with everything she wants just in case she is lonely.
That's something she needs to address, and if her way of trying to make friends is actually alienating the people she wants to be friendly with then she needs to realise that and change what she does. Which is quite hard because we all do something like this at times (something counterproductive to what we want) and it's harder to see the closer you are to the situation.
I think the quickest way to sum it up is to say that nobody else can make you happy, so you have to take responsibility for that yourself and be aware of how you go about it and how other people respond. You can't put your needs onto someone else and expect them to fix things for you.
I hope all that doesn't sound like I'm saying she's a bad person. I'm not because I think this might actually be quite hard for her. I'm just saying if she is lonely, her methods of trying to change that are not working in your case. There's no set method for making friends that works for everyone and if you are making the effort to increase your friendship circle you need to be aware enough to not get it wrong and put people off.
But again, you are not being unreasonable for wanting out of a friendship that you feel has taken you over when you are not happy about it.
When you're pregnant and have a small child, an older child and spd, you don't have to be anybody else's rescuing angel no matter how lonely they may be.
Yanbu. I've been there too.
I used I'm too busy and it worked in the end. Being intrusive, wanting to know who I was on the phone to etc.
No time for it and you have to set your boundaries. She'll get the message eventually. Short of telling her how you feel which is quite harsh.
YABNU OP. One of my male friend's has a girlfriend that's like this and it's too intense and cloying. You think she'd realise she was the common denominator though, she's been told umpteen times and lost many friends over her tantrums and clinginess.
Yanbu. You can let her down gently though by being vague. Pity is not a good basis for a friendship and you have every right to pull back if this makes you uncomfortable.
I am to admit it but I think I was a bit like this when home with pre schoolers. I say only a bit though. I found that time in my life incredibly difficult which I can only see several years later. I was terribly lonely and suspect I had been a little full on at times. Not Stalker level but perhaps a bit keen. So don't be too harsh she sounds well intended but just not compatible with you.
Thank you everyone for the replies.
SarahAndFuck, I do understand what you're saying, and I did feel sorry for her at the start of this friendship because she'd just come out of a bad relationship but I wasn't pregnant then and was less emotional myself. She isn't a bad person, she's very nice but I don't want to be messaged and called 10 times a day to listen to her problems and then meet her once a week. Right now, we've had a bereavement in the family too, and it's just emotionally draining for me.
I think tomorrow will be our last day out together indefinitely. Thanks for all the advice everyone.
Yes, you just can't live like that can you, you feel under siege. It does drain you.
I'm sorry for your loss too.
We all have the right to choose our own friends. If you don't have any common ground with someone or feel smothered or drained by them - then you are under no obligation to befriend them.
YANBU I've had this a couple of times as well. I ended up feeling like a hunted animal not answering my door or the phone Very annoying and ds had to stop playing with the children because I just couldn't cope with the persistant mothers (I'm an introvert too).
Just make polite excuses that you are busy. And it sounds like you are if you have a toddler and are pregnant, as well as your dd.
I think you should make a list of the number/types of social meetings you would like to have with her.
I am thinking over the summer holidays it would be nice for your daughter to have play dates at alternating homes every couple of weeks and perhaps you could all go out together somewhere just the one time? I think that would be reasonable for school holidays.
During school time maybe suggest a play date once a fortnight for tea? If she doesn't invite your dd to hers maybe say 'do you mind if dd has a play at yours this week as I've got so much in my plate at the moment. Your dd can come round next time'
I think it would be good to be friends with her but you need to set some boundaries that you can live with.
I would also encourage your dd to have other friends around as well.
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