To think that someone who's finally had a 'much wanted' baby shouldn't go on about how hard it all is!!

(153 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

MrsBramStoker Mon 26-Aug-13 23:29:14

Ok, before I get completely and utterly flamed (am expecting it!), a close friend of mine had a a series of miscarriages,but in end wasn't trying too long for a dc (we have friends who've been trying to conceive for say, 10 years) but all the family were very sad for them, and very involved n their grief, etc.

5 months ago they had a ds, a lovely little thing. He's a vey good baby, very easy going, a very good sleeper, etc. But all I hear is 'oh god it's so hard, what a challenge, we've finally gone over the hard part, etc etc' And there seems to be major tension in their marriage, etc. my dh went out for a drink with the husband and he said its been really rough on them, really effected their relationship, etc.

TO make matters worse, and another reason why I think I'm not being fully objective, and probably feel vey annoyed about this, is that a much loved and darling mutual friend, had a beautiful baby girl at the time of this girls miscarriage and said baby girl was practically ignored ie. didn't come to visit for about 8 months, because they were going through their pain of misscarriage. (They live in same town!) Turns out said beautiful girl 's mother had a really horrific time in hospital, before and and labour, but apparently it was nothing to this pain of what they were going through. Maybe fertility issues give you total tunnel vision please enlighten me, I mean that in a sympathetically way. All other friends, family members, called to hospital etc, but said misscarriage couple didn't even acknowledge it. I know there's a lot of resentment between said mother of misscarriage and mother of beautiful baby. Esp as a few issues with this baby still, development wise, etc.

Sorry for annoying post but have had a glass of wine and should have given names to characters in story!

I know posters will saying something like 'are people with fertility problems not entitled to talk about the difficulties of parenthood!' Of course they are, but we've all been there! My first dd had a potentially serious illness when born, turned it ok in end thank god, we also have Dtwins, not easy either, so if I'm honest, bit cheesed off with the moaning and 'woe is me' crap from those who finally have the much wanted healthy child in the end!! Who's right? Am I being a total bitch?

(Puttin on helmet, ready for a right pelting, pardon me in advance for wine and irrational ranting!)

Yeah, what Solid Gold Brass said.

I guess that all the other posters on here have never had any thoughts about other people that aren't filled with sweetness and tweety songbirds hmm.

Glad to see you realised you were in fact BVU.

MrsHoarder Tue 27-Aug-13 07:31:56

Upthe it its possible to have unreasonable, uncharitable thoughts, recognise them as such in private and try to ensure no-one ever knows about them. Its the long rant that's got peoples backs up.

op was BU about them finding it hard. Mother hood can be a right old slog at the best of times, whether you were trying for 10 years or had 'surprise baby' that you never expected at all. And everything in between. It'd make things a lot easier if we stuck together a bit more, considering that whatever our circumstances, a lot of the issues and difficulties remain the same...hardship isn't discriminatory!

But it does sound like she's being harsh on the friend who's had a rough birth and is having a crap time herself? Has everyone else missed that bit or am I a bitch also? hmm

pigletmania Tue 27-Aug-13 07:59:38

Yabvu children are hard, your whole life changes but would not swap them for thr world . No you dont have a clue what the couple are going thriugh, its horrid to compare grief!

Fakebook Tue 27-Aug-13 08:08:48

That was a quick turnaround response to a shitty opening comment OP. if you feel that remorseful then get the thread deleted.. You don't even have the first idea how a "much wanted baby" can affect a marriage and your life. It's not always all roses and pretty birds singing after a baby comes along.

You sound like a horrible person, and for the first time on here I'm restraining myself from using some choice words to throw at you....

CarolineKnappShappey Tue 27-Aug-13 08:10:58

I think that jumping on the OP's head is a bit unnecessary. She has been thoughtless and honest. And if you are on the outside of fertility issues you don't really get it.

However, she has taken her kicking. If we keep calling her nasty names maybe that will discourage others from coming on here with similar issues and getting a different perspective which would be a shame.

One of the best things about here is that you actually get educated about all kinds of things.

I would urge the OP to take on board the points about the miscarriages, and admit the moaning couple are annoying, but we all are sometimes, and support all your friends.

Engelsemama Tue 27-Aug-13 08:20:35

My DH's depression was brought on by our ttc struggle and mc (among other things). He's still struggling now (DS is nearly 2). People think he should "cheer up" because we were eventually successful in ttc. They don't see what he has to be depressed about. Now we're thinking about ttc DC2 and both worried about the effect on his mental health and our relationship, which really suffered from our struggle to ttc and his depression.

And like many here, I avoided any frirnds who were pg or had a new baby. It was just too painful.

jammiedonut Tue 27-Aug-13 08:22:25

Was all geared up to give you a flaming...just seen your second post. Really glad you've realised how shitty you sounded. I know it can seem odd but can you imagine the heartache you feel when you even think these thoughts when you've been through so much to finally have your child and realise its not all cuddles and smiles.
Please don't go too hard in regards to other friends' baby. My bf found she was pregnant shortly after my mc, it was devastating to see her going through pregnancy and I found it difficult to hold her child without being in tears thinking of the baby I'd lost. Cut her some slack.

ArkadyRose Tue 27-Aug-13 08:25:15

So the mother of the newborn feels put out that someone who LOST several babies and therefore must have been in a lot of grief and pain couldn't be around her pfb? She needs to get the fuck over herself. So she had a tough pregnancy and labour - that doesn't mean the world has to revolve around her baby, and she's being even more of a bitch than you were to make this post in the first place, OP! I've had 4 mc, my youngest sister has had 6mc (including twins), and our mother had 10mc and 4 stillbirths before she had me. The one thing we all had in common whilst going through all that and still ttc was that we just couldn't be around babies; it was too painful, and we avoided them for the sake of our own mental health. The Royal baby was born on what would have been my EDD had I not mc at 12 weeks in Jan, and unless you've had a mc yourself you can have no idea how agonising it was that whole week of baby, baby, BABY everywhere I turned. If I'd had an unthinking friend and relative trying to make everything about THEIR pfb at that time, I'd have gone absolutely mental.

And NONE of that means they don't have the same right as the parent of a newborn to complain about how hard they're finding it to adjust to a small demanding baby. Babies turn your life upside down in a way you can't fully comprehend until it happens to you, and there's no way to prepare yourself for that - or for the effects of PND, which affects women who've had multiple mc even more than other mothers - statistically women with fertility problems are at higher risk of PND.

You have no idea what they are going through yet still put your judgy pants on. You've now admitted YABVVU - maybe you can explain to the other mother how she's BVU too and get her to back off and leave this couple to adjust to and love their very-much-wanted pfb. Maybe she should come on MN too so we can flame HER judgy pants off too! grin

middleclassdystopia Tue 27-Aug-13 08:26:03

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Well I think it's fine to find even much wanted babies hard work, but this couple don't sound as if they have been very supportive of your friends going through a tough time. Maybe that's colouring your view of them and making them seem self interested to you?

Btw if your friends child continues to have developmental problems remember to recommend the SN board here.

Bellini28 Tue 27-Aug-13 08:31:22

I have to say that the responses despite OP back tracking and realising her mistakes are too much. For goodness sake has nobody had unfair, spiteful, irrational thoughts before?

OP it is all relative; unwanted, planned, success after 4/5/6 rounds of IVF..... A baby is a baby and for many of us it is flipping hard and people are allowed to say so. Additionally the bit with your other friend is none of your business so don't get involved, leave it between them.

Let it go now because it is reading like an ambush.... Not nice reading and unnecessary as OP has apologised.

pigletmania Tue 27-Aug-13 08:34:00

Sorry op just read your last posts, i am glad you realise hiw badly you cane accross

Azultrailer Tue 27-Aug-13 08:38:14

*So the mother of the newborn feels put out that someone who LOST several babies and therefore must have been in a lot of grief and pain couldn't be around her pfb? She needs to get the fuck over herself. So she had a tough pregnancy and labour - that doesn't mean the world has to revolve around her baby, and she's being even more of a bitch than you were to make this post in the first place, OP! I've had 4 mc, my youngest sister has had 6mc (including twins), and our mother had 10mc and 4 stillbirths before she had me. The one thing we all had in common whilst going through all that and still ttc was that we just couldn't be around babies; it was too painful, and we avoided them for the sake of our own mental health. The Royal baby was born on what would have been my EDD had I not mc at 12 weeks in Jan, and unless you've had a mc yourself you can have no idea how agonising it was that whole week of baby, baby, BABY everywhere I turned. If I'd had an unthinking friend and relative trying to make everything about THEIR pfb at that time, I'd have gone absolutely mental.

And NONE of that means they don't have the same right as the parent of a newborn to complain about how hard they're finding it to adjust to a small demanding baby. Babies turn your life upside down in a way you can't fully comprehend until it happens to you, and there's no way to prepare yourself for that - or for the effects of PND, which affects women who've had multiple mc even more than other mothers - statistically women with fertility problems are at higher risk of PND.

You have no idea what they are going through yet still put your judgy pants on. You've now admitted YABVVU - maybe you can explain to the other mother how she's BVU too and get her to back off and leave this couple to adjust to and love their very-much-wanted pfb. Maybe she should come on MN too so we can flame HER judgy pants off too!*

This. This.

And as for the back track, what a load of crap. You don't spout the bile the OP has and then suddenly see the error in thinking - far far more likely she didn't really think she was that unreasonable and wouldn't really get much of a flaming.

Groovee Tue 27-Aug-13 08:39:35

My dh's SIL seemed to struggle with parenthood after infertility and IVF. I remember being pregnant with ds and had 2 year old dd with me and I bumped into her with her son and she looked completely deflated. She told me then that she had thought it would all fall into place but it wasn't and she didn't know how I made it all look so easy.

I think when you want something so badly it can make you feel a bit flat when it's not all a bed of roses.

Yet dd was unplanned and I found it all very easy and just got on with it. But dd was a very easy baby. When she turned 2, the horns grew and she became a challenge. However ds who was very much planned was a horrific baby yet a fab toddler.

yellowballoons Tue 27-Aug-13 08:40:21

Hide the thread op.Quick!
Because many posters dont read many posts on a thread before posting.
So this thread will go on and on with the YABVUs.

Fakebook Tue 27-Aug-13 08:41:41

For goodness sake has nobody had unfair, spiteful, irrational thoughts before?

I'd have more sympathy for her if she hadn't stated in the first post that she was putting on her hard hat for a flaming. She knew full well what she was writing, and even had the chance to not post it when writing out the last line. Then the quick turnaround; she knew exactly what she'd written was wrong.

Bunbaker Tue 27-Aug-13 08:43:34

It took me 17 years to conceive DD and I found parenthood extremely difficult. We then had the double whammy of nearly losing DD when she was a few weeks old and she ended up in ICU.

YABVVVVVU and stop being so judgey.

Azultrailer Tue 27-Aug-13 08:43:39

Yellowballoons it's also possible that people HAVE read the whole thread and still think the OP is unreasonable. And vile with it.

MissMalonex2 Tue 27-Aug-13 08:44:23

Glad you now see YABVU - but reading through the lines, if you and your much loved and darling friend (who had the beautiful baby DD at the same time as this poor couple lost their baby) have been bitching about the other mother, I think you need to go and undo that harm and help the darling friend see the light too. With friends like these...confused

Bunbaker Tue 27-Aug-13 08:46:05

I am guilty of not reading the entire thread because the first post irritated me so much. I see that the OP has apologised, and I accept that apology.

Bowlersarm Tue 27-Aug-13 08:46:36

YANBU to realise you are wrong!

Actually I disagree with Fakebook. I don't think this thread should be deleted. It gives insight for people who have maybe thought along similar lines about their friends/acquaintances

SunshineMMum Tue 27-Aug-13 08:47:10

YABU Do you not think she may be experiencing delayed grief or even post natal depression?

yellowballoons Tue 27-Aug-13 08:48:15

Oh. Didnt realise that if a poster has said sorry, and a poster has told she has been unreasonable 20 or more times, that still posters will post YABU.
Wow. Even more reason for someone to hide a post quickly, and just let people vent and have a say, regardless of whether the op will ever look at the thread again.

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