To think that someone who's finally had a 'much wanted' baby shouldn't go on about how hard it all is!!

(153 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread. Read here.

MrsBramStoker Mon 26-Aug-13 23:29:14

Ok, before I get completely and utterly flamed (am expecting it!), a close friend of mine had a a series of miscarriages,but in end wasn't trying too long for a dc (we have friends who've been trying to conceive for say, 10 years) but all the family were very sad for them, and very involved n their grief, etc.

5 months ago they had a ds, a lovely little thing. He's a vey good baby, very easy going, a very good sleeper, etc. But all I hear is 'oh god it's so hard, what a challenge, we've finally gone over the hard part, etc etc' And there seems to be major tension in their marriage, etc. my dh went out for a drink with the husband and he said its been really rough on them, really effected their relationship, etc.

TO make matters worse, and another reason why I think I'm not being fully objective, and probably feel vey annoyed about this, is that a much loved and darling mutual friend, had a beautiful baby girl at the time of this girls miscarriage and said baby girl was practically ignored ie. didn't come to visit for about 8 months, because they were going through their pain of misscarriage. (They live in same town!) Turns out said beautiful girl 's mother had a really horrific time in hospital, before and and labour, but apparently it was nothing to this pain of what they were going through. Maybe fertility issues give you total tunnel vision please enlighten me, I mean that in a sympathetically way. All other friends, family members, called to hospital etc, but said misscarriage couple didn't even acknowledge it. I know there's a lot of resentment between said mother of misscarriage and mother of beautiful baby. Esp as a few issues with this baby still, development wise, etc.

Sorry for annoying post but have had a glass of wine and should have given names to characters in story!

I know posters will saying something like 'are people with fertility problems not entitled to talk about the difficulties of parenthood!' Of course they are, but we've all been there! My first dd had a potentially serious illness when born, turned it ok in end thank god, we also have Dtwins, not easy either, so if I'm honest, bit cheesed off with the moaning and 'woe is me' crap from those who finally have the much wanted healthy child in the end!! Who's right? Am I being a total bitch?

(Puttin on helmet, ready for a right pelting, pardon me in advance for wine and irrational ranting!)

TeaJunky Tue 27-Aug-13 00:08:59

hmm

My Inlaws ALWAYS comment on how dd2 is 'such a a good baby'. Yes, she is when twelve of you stand around her, cooing at her, waiting your turn to pick her up and generally doting on her.

Not so much when she's alone at home with me and I have dinner to cook/a pile of ironing to get through
/ whatever. And whenever I say she's not that good, they make me feel ..well, a bit like I did when I read this post hmm

YABVU. Children are hard full stop, good sleeper or not. I love my children and can moan sometimes.

Maybe if people were less judgy and accepted parents were humans, it would be fine. Can't we moan about work- because we are lucky to have a job, so should just hold it all in?

DaleyBump Tue 27-Aug-13 00:16:12

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

PeriodMath Tue 27-Aug-13 00:21:35

I always wonder if people who've had fertility issues and have been through the wringer in order to have children feel they can't complain in case people think they're ungrateful.

You've sort of answered that for me hmm

I think nobody can ever know how hard having a baby is until it happens. It doesn't matter how long or how hard you had to try to get one.

MaMattoo Tue 27-Aug-13 00:32:00

Yabvvu..
Becoming a parent is always a shock, no matter what went in before- prepared/unprepared/ wanted/oops/ easy conception/l&d..all by the by.
Yabu but not mean..so flaming not needed..!!smile

MusicalEndorphins Tue 27-Aug-13 00:36:23

As far as this person complaining, it is par for the course with new parents. Plus some people just complain more more than others.

missingmumxox Tue 27-Aug-13 00:49:12

OMG! of course they can complain!!! losing much too be loved Babies does not mean you can't moan!! it is part of normal parenting which they are...go have another word with yourself!

Complaining about how hard it is to bring up a baby is a right of parenthood, and given that the couple are just as much parents as everyone else, they should be allowed to participate in this 'new-parent-ritual' as much as they are entitled to whinge about the amount of stuff a child needs for their first time at school, and the cost of childcare, and teething, and pooey nappies leaking and pretty much anything else that goes with having a child.

TheFillyjonk Tue 27-Aug-13 00:58:39

Just out of interest, OP - are you actually the parent of the "beautiful baby"?

NapaCab Tue 27-Aug-13 01:13:27

'The miscarriage couple'?
'mother of the miscarriage'?

WTF?

Just for that alone YABVU and I don't care how much wine you've had.

It's nasty unfeeling people like you who gave me such a hard time when I had an MC.

Just leave this 'miscarriage couple' alone. I'm sure they are doing fine without your judgmental input and desperate sad need for gossip. I really hope they aren't deluded enough to think they are your friends. You owe it to them to cut contact if you really have such unpleasant views about them behind their backs.

Motheatenwardrobeofdross Tue 27-Aug-13 01:29:00

I think you are BU because I know lots of people who have had fertility issues including myself and it is heartbreaking and soul destroying.
We tried for children for 7 years. It nearly destroyed our marriage and my mental health. My first son was born with a fractured skull and during my second pregnancy I was told to abort my son at 27 weeks (not in the UK) because he had parts of his brain missing. I didn't do it, had a living hell of a pregnancy and my son was then found to be perfect at birth. In between all that I have had a couple of very early miscarriages. I am not woe is me about it because none of my friends know about any of this, or they may know a bit about some of it.

I've had some very bad times in my life including the near break up of my marriage and losing my mum suddenly when I was a kid. However, the fertility issues were the worst thing I have ever dealt with. Instead of being judgemental, try having some compassion.

DanicaJones Tue 27-Aug-13 01:31:26

YABU. Having mcs doesn't somehow switch off normal emotions about parenting. Why would it?

josiejay Tue 27-Aug-13 01:44:45

YABU. This is your FRIEND you are talking about. Your friend who has been through a really tough time followed by one of the most life changing experiences people go through. You should be supporting her.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Tue 27-Aug-13 01:56:53

Parenting can be hard, no matter what obstacles you had to overcome to conceive.

emblosion Tue 27-Aug-13 03:00:46

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 27-Aug-13 03:34:52

FGS she posted ages ago that she is sorry for the post and feels bad

Platinumstart Tue 27-Aug-13 04:11:45

I'm going to try not to flame and instead explain why you are BVVVU.

After I lost my stillborn DS I didn't go to a wedding because I knew I would t have been able to bear seeing the best man and his week old baby (he was a friend). I knew it would literally break my heart. That was 4 mths after the event.

I thought it was the better thing to do rather than being possibly obviously emotional on someone else's day. The idea that may have been interpreted as in some way selfish has me raging

I can also tell you that my subsequent pregnancy and DC was fraught. Having had two relatively straight forward pregnancies/babies prior to the loss of my son nothing can prepare you for the terror that this little baby might be snatched away at any time.

I hardly dared breath throughout my pregnancy - and I hated myself for it. I knew how wonderful pregnancy could be. I'd experienced it. But I could no longer relate. It made me anxious, sick and miserable. All over a baby wanted more than you can possibly imagine.

And you know what was worst? When my darling DC arrived safe and well and those feelings didn't vanish as I imagined that they would. That I continued to be this anxious, stressed almost neurotic woman who I didn't recognise. I couldn't leave my DC for a second. She literally did not leave my side for a year.

And this pain was compounded that people, and I know they did, expected me to be fucking grateful.

LovesBeingOnHoliday Tue 27-Aug-13 04:20:04

No need to feel ashamed op. most people are caught up in what they see and feel. It can make couples very tunnel visioned and it is all consuming, but that doesn't mean you are prepared for what you have wished for.

Mimishimi Tue 27-Aug-13 04:21:22

YABU and it's probably even a bit more difficult for them because they would have had all these idealised notions during the fertility troubles of how perfect their lives would be if only they could have DC. I do agree that ignoring friends who have babies because you can't is not right though.

Azultrailer Tue 27-Aug-13 06:38:51

You've reposted that you're ashamed of your OP (which is one hell of a turnaround hmm)
So you should be. Really really disgusting attitude. With friends like you, who needs enemies?

Spottypurse Tue 27-Aug-13 06:43:03

You should be very glad you have no idea what the mother of the miscarriage or the miscarriage couple (which I think are horrible phrases) have gone through.

You sound like you really don't like them. And you sound like they are somehow less entitled to their pain than your friend who has had the beautiful girl is entitled to hers. Why do you feel like that do you think?

MrsLouisTheroux Tue 27-Aug-13 06:49:02

Don't be ashamed OP.
You feel how you feel and I'm glad that you said it all on here rather than in RL.

Jaynebxl Tue 27-Aug-13 06:50:41

If I had had a string of miscarriages I wouldn't go anywhere near a friend with a new baby, no matter how beautiful they were, because it would be too painful. And I would hope that friend would understand. When I fell pregnant with our second some friends had just had their final attempt at IVF fail. They never acknowledged my pregnancy or her birth and frankly I don't blame them. I didn't expect them to and didn't talk about the baby around them because I didn't want to rub salt in their wounds. So I think YABVU to complain about the friends not gushing over the baby.

ClairesTravellingCircus Tue 27-Aug-13 06:52:06

I'm with solid gold brass on this one. I think her analysis of the situation is spot on.

ZillionChocolate Tue 27-Aug-13 06:58:24

Glad you see YWBU.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now