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To think that someone who's finally had a 'much wanted' baby shouldn't go on about how hard it all is!!

(153 Posts)

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MrsBramStoker Mon 26-Aug-13 23:29:14

Ok, before I get completely and utterly flamed (am expecting it!), a close friend of mine had a a series of miscarriages,but in end wasn't trying too long for a dc (we have friends who've been trying to conceive for say, 10 years) but all the family were very sad for them, and very involved n their grief, etc.

5 months ago they had a ds, a lovely little thing. He's a vey good baby, very easy going, a very good sleeper, etc. But all I hear is 'oh god it's so hard, what a challenge, we've finally gone over the hard part, etc etc' And there seems to be major tension in their marriage, etc. my dh went out for a drink with the husband and he said its been really rough on them, really effected their relationship, etc.

TO make matters worse, and another reason why I think I'm not being fully objective, and probably feel vey annoyed about this, is that a much loved and darling mutual friend, had a beautiful baby girl at the time of this girls miscarriage and said baby girl was practically ignored ie. didn't come to visit for about 8 months, because they were going through their pain of misscarriage. (They live in same town!) Turns out said beautiful girl 's mother had a really horrific time in hospital, before and and labour, but apparently it was nothing to this pain of what they were going through. Maybe fertility issues give you total tunnel vision please enlighten me, I mean that in a sympathetically way. All other friends, family members, called to hospital etc, but said misscarriage couple didn't even acknowledge it. I know there's a lot of resentment between said mother of misscarriage and mother of beautiful baby. Esp as a few issues with this baby still, development wise, etc.

Sorry for annoying post but have had a glass of wine and should have given names to characters in story!

I know posters will saying something like 'are people with fertility problems not entitled to talk about the difficulties of parenthood!' Of course they are, but we've all been there! My first dd had a potentially serious illness when born, turned it ok in end thank god, we also have Dtwins, not easy either, so if I'm honest, bit cheesed off with the moaning and 'woe is me' crap from those who finally have the much wanted healthy child in the end!! Who's right? Am I being a total bitch?

(Puttin on helmet, ready for a right pelting, pardon me in advance for wine and irrational ranting!)

thecatfromjapan Mon 26-Aug-13 23:40:19

By the way, your children sound young. You have soooo much more time for things to go badly wrong. Then I guess you will find out how much grace under pressure you are capable of. I can promise you now that you really have no yardstick as yet.

lisianthus Mon 26-Aug-13 23:40:37

YABVVU. You refer to them as having "fertility issues". They had several babies die! If your baby died, wouldn't you perhaps have a few "issues" as you put it with seeing other people with healthy children for a while? I would have thought you might have had a bit more empathy seeing as your child had health problems.

LifeofPo Mon 26-Aug-13 23:40:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chesterberry Mon 26-Aug-13 23:41:41

Isn't it normal for new parents to find it hard?. My daughter is coming up for three weeks and, as much as I adore her and am loving being a mum, it is so intense devoting myself to meeting her every need 24/7 and sometimes I am finding it hard. When talking to close friends and family I have been open and honest about the aspects about it I am finding difficult. I don't think I would be less likely to seek out support or share my feelings with somebody if I had had fertility problems or a long wait to have a child.

Also, everyone's situation is different. Maybe they really are finding it more difficult than other parents, or at least more difficult than they thought it would be. Even if they have an easy-going baby if they are having problems with their marriage and getting on with each other that can make anything seem more challenging. If they have had a number of miscarriages before this baby they may also still be grieving, having a healthy baby may even have made that grief feel worse as they ache for the children they could have had.

There's a good chance there are lots of things going on you don't know about which are making things more difficult for them, it sounds they are trying to reach out to friends for support and it's a shame you're not available to give it to them.

Auntfini Mon 26-Aug-13 23:42:21

Yabvu

maybe3x Mon 26-Aug-13 23:43:10

What Gordy said and everyone else too. YABVVU. FWIW after 3 mc I couldn't deal with visiting a friends new baby either, they understood and it wasn't an issue.

Tortington Mon 26-Aug-13 23:43:12

yay sisterhood, alive and well i see

MrsBramStoker Mon 26-Aug-13 23:43:38

All I can say, when reading back this post is how shitty I sound, and the I've a lot it learn.

Am sorry for lack of understanding.

Im honestly thinking too much of her treatment with other friends new baby.

Tbh, I feel bad and uncomfortable for both sides.
Feel ashamed now of op.

spg1983 Mon 26-Aug-13 23:44:12

I had a major case of baby blues because I felt that I wasn't entitled to admit to how hard I was finding having a baby. 12 years ago I was told I'd never have children and it has taken that long to finally have my 6 month old dd. I adore her and appreciate my little miracle every day but it was attitudes like the OP's that made me feel awful. I felt torn between being eternally grateful I'd finally had a baby and feeling guilty for not being 110% energetic, ecstatic and perfect every minute of the day, after all, I've had all this time to gear up for it and should be "supermum" but I'm just average, I think. Please don't put this kind of idea into your friend's head - it's bad enough when it's in your own mind let alone when other people start hinting at it too.

gordyslovesheep Mon 26-Aug-13 23:44:28

bless OP- you live and learn - go give your friend a hug tomorrow and think no more about it x

SunshineBossaNova Mon 26-Aug-13 23:44:35

YABU.

VisualCharades Mon 26-Aug-13 23:44:52

"Said miscarriage couple" sweet Jesus how callous

IfIonlyhadsomesleep Mon 26-Aug-13 23:45:34

Oh, and please don't belittle how long she was trying for. A series of miscarriages suggests at least a year and when you're ttc with every expectation of failure, believe me, it doesn't need to be ten years to feel like a lifetime. In real life, I play it down because we came out the other side with our three beautiful children but at the time, I remember being really angry because we had to miss a month of treatment because of Christmas. That month felt like an eternity.

gordyslovesheep Mon 26-Aug-13 23:45:41

oh and yes I had a major case of baby blues because I felt that I wasn't entitled to admit to how hard I was finding having a baby THIS with knobs on xxxx

SunshineBossaNova Mon 26-Aug-13 23:46:50

X posted with you OP - I'd take Gordy's advice smile x

ShadowSummer Mon 26-Aug-13 23:47:32

YABU.

I think you know fine well that a child being much wanted doesn't automatically mean that adjusting to being a parent is super easy.

IfIonlyhadsomesleep Mon 26-Aug-13 23:47:38

No prob,op. Thats the point of mumsnet. Sleep well.

Conina Mon 26-Aug-13 23:49:07

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Jinsei Mon 26-Aug-13 23:49:12

YABVU but I guess you know that now!

WannabeFayeMouse Mon 26-Aug-13 23:50:05

sometimes you have to write a thing out to make sense of it in your mind. Good on you OP for admitting you were in the wrong. Hope the thread can just stop now.

Erm, actually, OP, YAN necessarily BU. From what you have posted about this couple's treatment of another friend it sounds that they are possibly a pair of self-obsessed whangers. Suffering, grief and loss don't always stop people from being selfish, lazy, spiteful or stupid if they were any of those things already. It sounds to me as though you possibly know this couple to be whiny and selfish anyway and that's what's affecting your perception of them, not just the specific circumstances of them having a new baby and finding it hard.

PaulSmenis Mon 26-Aug-13 23:57:29

Doesn't everyone find that a baby is hard work? YABVU and do you really expect a couple who have just gone through a miscarriage to visit someone who has just had a baby? Cut them some slack.

My friend has just found out she is pregnant after trying for a long time. I wouldn't begrudge her having a good old moan after the baby arrives.

frogspoon Tue 27-Aug-13 00:01:13

YABU, but you already knew that.

They went through a very difficult time with their series of miscarriages. It isn't surprising that they would find it hard to cope seeing a baby girl when they lost a child that would be a similar age.

Having been through all of that at finally having a baby may have reinforced their grief for their miscarried children, making it more of a struggle to cope with. She may also had pnd.

TheBleedinObvious Tue 27-Aug-13 00:02:12

Maybe now that you feel bad about being so mean spirited, you could go and visit your friend and give her some support.

Sometimes I suspect parents who have a ''much wanted baby' may have a much longer way to fall as they have 'idolised' their future family so much. The reality may be a shock. Also throw the fear and grief into the mix and it is not surprising they find adjusting to their new life very difficult.

thebody Tue 27-Aug-13 00:05:01

the op has re posted.

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