To think that someone who's finally had a 'much wanted' baby shouldn't go on about how hard it all is!!

(153 Posts)

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MrsBramStoker Mon 26-Aug-13 23:29:14

Ok, before I get completely and utterly flamed (am expecting it!), a close friend of mine had a a series of miscarriages,but in end wasn't trying too long for a dc (we have friends who've been trying to conceive for say, 10 years) but all the family were very sad for them, and very involved n their grief, etc.

5 months ago they had a ds, a lovely little thing. He's a vey good baby, very easy going, a very good sleeper, etc. But all I hear is 'oh god it's so hard, what a challenge, we've finally gone over the hard part, etc etc' And there seems to be major tension in their marriage, etc. my dh went out for a drink with the husband and he said its been really rough on them, really effected their relationship, etc.

TO make matters worse, and another reason why I think I'm not being fully objective, and probably feel vey annoyed about this, is that a much loved and darling mutual friend, had a beautiful baby girl at the time of this girls miscarriage and said baby girl was practically ignored ie. didn't come to visit for about 8 months, because they were going through their pain of misscarriage. (They live in same town!) Turns out said beautiful girl 's mother had a really horrific time in hospital, before and and labour, but apparently it was nothing to this pain of what they were going through. Maybe fertility issues give you total tunnel vision please enlighten me, I mean that in a sympathetically way. All other friends, family members, called to hospital etc, but said misscarriage couple didn't even acknowledge it. I know there's a lot of resentment between said mother of misscarriage and mother of beautiful baby. Esp as a few issues with this baby still, development wise, etc.

Sorry for annoying post but have had a glass of wine and should have given names to characters in story!

I know posters will saying something like 'are people with fertility problems not entitled to talk about the difficulties of parenthood!' Of course they are, but we've all been there! My first dd had a potentially serious illness when born, turned it ok in end thank god, we also have Dtwins, not easy either, so if I'm honest, bit cheesed off with the moaning and 'woe is me' crap from those who finally have the much wanted healthy child in the end!! Who's right? Am I being a total bitch?

(Puttin on helmet, ready for a right pelting, pardon me in advance for wine and irrational ranting!)

OhshitwhatnowagIn Mon 26-Aug-13 23:30:45

YABVVVVVVU.

shock

CatAmongThePigeons Mon 26-Aug-13 23:31:46

hmm oookay...

YABU - but at least you know it. Becoming a parent for the first time can be a real shock that I don't think any wanting can really prepare you for.

Yabu. Very.

118sbigmoustache Mon 26-Aug-13 23:32:54

YABU. Someone who tried for years for a baby is just as entitled to moan about it as someone who got pregnant first try.

gordyslovesheep Mon 26-Aug-13 23:33:10

yab UTTERLY U - you have no idea what it's like to spend the whole pregnancy so terrified your baby wont make it that you are in no way emotionally or practically prepared to bring a live baby home

I found my first baby hard - because I never imagined or allowed my self to dream she would ever be REAL

GroupieGirl Mon 26-Aug-13 23:33:26

Wow.

WorraLiberty Mon 26-Aug-13 23:34:07

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LauraChant Mon 26-Aug-13 23:34:52

Yabu and you know it. The baby might seem easy to you. People always said my two seemed lovely because they slept all day but my God, the nights.

thebody Mon 26-Aug-13 23:35:26

I think its best to accept that pain and stress is what the sufferer says it is and not what anyone else thinks it is.

it is annoying when you get one person who seems to moan more than others who have it harder but that's how some people are.

MidniteScribbler Mon 26-Aug-13 23:35:29

Wow. And you claim to be a friend to this person?

trixymalixy Mon 26-Aug-13 23:35:31

YABU, but you know you are.

It is bloody hard being a parent. In some ways I think if you want it so much and have built it up in your mind then the reality of it might seem a lot harder.

picklechops Mon 26-Aug-13 23:35:33

My first ever biscuit

You have no idea what they are going through, she could have horrific pnd.

Stop judging, start being a friend

Fairylea Mon 26-Aug-13 23:35:53

Yabu. And (as someone who has fertility issues) not everyone has a baby to have a "baby" ... don't get me wrong, I love both my dc to pieces but fuck - the baby stage is HARD. I enjoy the toddler and beyond stages, and survive the baby year!

Everyone is allowed to moan how hard having a baby is. Even a much wanted baby. It doesn't mean they want him any less.

GeneHuntsMistress Mon 26-Aug-13 23:35:55

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notapizzaeater Mon 26-Aug-13 23:36:14

Yabvvu

We had ds after many IVF procedures (over 10 years) but quite frankly when he was 6 weeks old I suggested to my dh we went back to the clinic to give him to a couple in the waiting room as they wanted one and quite frankly I wanted my "old" life back ! Obv now I cringe at this but I genuinely did not realise how much it takes out of you ...

FootOfOurStairs Mon 26-Aug-13 23:36:28

Yabvu

We struggled to conceive after a hideous ectopic and I vowed to never moan of were ever successful.I'm pretty sure I should have mpaned a lot more and let people know I was struggling, and asked for help. Parenting isn't easier if you've struggled to get there - odd logic really.

MsVestibule Mon 26-Aug-13 23:36:55

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thecatfromjapan Mon 26-Aug-13 23:37:06

It's not about a helmet, or about being "flamed": that's a childish way of simply disavowing what you know you are saying to yourself. You are being mean-spirited thinking these things. You do know, don't you, that women get torn up inside when they discover "much wanted, much loved" doesn't necessarily mean "easy ever after"? The guilt can tip women over into PNA/PND.

Be kind.

Tight-fistededness when it comes to love for others and charity is not attractive. I swear it gives you premature wrinkles. It always comes out, however much you think you are hiding those mean thoughts behind a smile.

IfIonlyhadsomesleep Mon 26-Aug-13 23:37:14

Is it only unacceptable to moan if your baby is only a bit wanted and only longed for for a short time? Or unacceptable to moan at all? Just wanted to know whether I am allowed to be a bit less than saintly occasionally since we had all our three after extensive fertility treatment and a couple of miscarriages?
Yabu. Not because you are frustrated with your friends moaning. But because you aren't treating her as the normal first time mother that she now is.

maddening Mon 26-Aug-13 23:38:33

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Nanny0gg Mon 26-Aug-13 23:40:12

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maddening Mon 26-Aug-13 23:40:13

ps each of her babies that were lost at each mc were much wanted

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