To tell exh I know he let the dc down to go to a party?

(16 Posts)
Lampshadeofdoom Mon 26-Aug-13 01:24:59

Have name changed as don't want other posts linked.
Dc haven't seen their Dad in two years (his depression has been too bad to see them he said) no calls/presents, nothing.

He then asked for overnight access which I refused as he has no relationship with them, told him he needed to build this first.

I offered regular, he agreed but then said he couldn't do it until he was working.

I arranged to meet him near his, at last minute he asked me if we were coming, said yes and give times but he dissuaded us from coming 'for our benefit' because of hours travel and arranged to come see us the following Monday, Monday came heard nothing about times no contact.

A friend on Facebook who doesnt know exh was at two events and has been tagged in pictures. Exh is in the background and group photo on both the night he dissuaded us from coming and the Monday.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Mon 26-Aug-13 01:28:20

I would, I would say something like 'I have seen the photos, so don't bother to deny it. Do not ask to see the children again - they do not need a fuck up like you in their lives'.

What a bastard. Are the kids ok?

AgentZigzag Mon 26-Aug-13 01:35:31

I don't know how the contact thing works out exactly, but I wouldn't bother yourself picking him up on it.

Seems he's doing everything he can to make it look like he's a great dad, but everything he can to avoid spending time with them.

You saying something isn't going to change that, and you'll just upset yourself more when you get the extra evidence/excuses that he's a twat.

Him using depression as an excuse for not having any contact with his DC is an insult to people with depression.

Shit for you to have to watch playing out though, wanting your DC to have a what relationship's on offer with their dad (because you love them) but knowing it has to be on his terms and he's inevitably going to let them down.

That's going to hurt all round.

Lampshadeofdoom Mon 26-Aug-13 01:35:44

Dc1 is pretty messed up, I have had her crying and distressed because she misses her dad but hates him for what he's done letting her down and no calls/ no presents at Xmas/birthdays at same time.

Lampshadeofdoom Mon 26-Aug-13 01:39:09

That's exactly it, he has a new gf, I can only presume the sudden contact after two years is because any decent woman with kids would want to know why he has no contact with his children.

AgentZigzag Mon 26-Aug-13 01:40:40

The not putting yourself through taking him to task unnecessarily I suppose wouldn't apply if you were thinking of/are allowed to just cut contact with him completely.

If the reasons you were putting yourself out to make that connection between him and your DC didn't count any more, then telling him to fuck off would be the easiest way to go.

Depends on how strongly you feel about your DC seeing him and where you see the boundary on how far he can go in disappointing your DC.

Lampshadeofdoom Mon 26-Aug-13 01:49:28

To be honest Agent part of me feels like with the damage he has caused dc1 in particular telling him he has had enough chances and let them down enough.
He hasn't seen them in two years and before that it was three times in the previous three years.

Dc1 has stated over and over she doesn't want to see him, she's angry and I get that.

Unfortunately the shit would well and truly hit the fan if dc1 refused contact, it would most definitely be my fault..

Another couple of years she would be old enough for people to listen.

Lampshadeofdoom Mon 26-Aug-13 01:52:35

Interestingly MY dad has Post traumatic stress, and also severe depression and other serious physical illness and has managed to drive to pick us up and spend time with the children EVERY weekend.

AgentZigzag Mon 26-Aug-13 02:00:26

Even though she's said she doesn't want to see him, her crying and distressed at seeing him afresh for what he is says everything sad

What do you think is the real reason he's being like this?

Not because it curtails his social life because he's had the other however many hundreds of days in those five years to go out.

It's like he can't bring himself to see them.

Grasping at straws on his behalf, but does he think him seeing them will just hurt them more and he can't bring himself to do it? Although ultimately it's still selfish because it's still all about him and not them.

Lampshadeofdoom Mon 26-Aug-13 02:22:09

He used to see them fortnightly until he got a gf, slowly it dwindled less and less till it was once a year then not at all.

He's said it hurts him to much to see them. He's said he can't afford (but then bought designer clothes,new computers, nights out and had ££££s in bank). Yet he wanted them overnight with me and dc doing all travelling/costs and me doing four journeys by bus/train.

He wants them to show off without any of work. I think also now he's scared that at least one of them is old enough to demand answers. Maybe he realises he can't control ME now (EA issues in past) I know his ex gf messaged me to say she now understood why I went that she hasn't before, that he had major problems and was being nasty. hmm

I set up things he can call free and without talking to me, he doesn't use them.

Beastofburden Mon 26-Aug-13 02:27:29

Well his new GF is going to pick up on it pretty quickly if he somehow never manages to quite see his kids. So I wouldn't give him the slightest chance to tell her it is your fault.

It is just possible, if GF is a nice person, that she could improve things. You could call his bluff and invite them both over for Sunday lunch? He will then be wetting himself at what the kids might say about him to his new GF.....

AgentZigzag Mon 26-Aug-13 02:33:05

Selfish cunt.

Bizarre of the gf to message you that, 'uh, yeah, thanks for presuming I needed the validation', what did she expect, a sympathetic girly chat to compare notes on how bad he is?

You're not responsible for his behaviour, but you might as fucking well be because you've got to live with the consequences, seeing your DC upset about something you've no control over, but having to leave the door open for him (because you're a great mum and an adult who puts your DCs wellbeing over your feelings, however hard it is).

Lampshadeofdoom Mon 26-Aug-13 02:38:55

His ex gf messages me because she wanted me to tell him to leave her alone. She also wanted to tell me it wasn't her fault he hasn't seen the children.

And probably to compare notes too but she didn't get it.

Lampshadeofdoom Mon 26-Aug-13 02:40:39

Exactly, dc1 is really playing up over it, punishing me for what he's done, falling behind at school and such.

AgentZigzag Mon 26-Aug-13 02:52:28

I'm sure you are, but I would just try to absorb her 'punishment', she's just letting it out on the person who is there for her.

That's not saying you can't pick her up on it, but it's difficult to come down on her like a ton of bricks as you would for something not related to her dad. Because then he's making you get upset with your DD and her back at you for it.

She's getting it from him not wanting to see her, communicating how upset that's making her in all the wrong ways, and then falling out with you (and none of it your fault, thought I'd say that again).

Will she talk to you about it? Or someone else in the family? She maybe needs to find a way to express herself without falling behind at school and playing up.

Lampshadeofdoom Mon 26-Aug-13 07:10:30

Thanks Agent, she does talk to me but she also uses it as an excuse for everything she does wrong, I.e I will ask her why she has done x or behaved like y and she will say because of him. I don't want that to become an excuse either iykwim.

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