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AIBU?

To stop my children from playing with another child?

29 replies

Helentres · 26/08/2013 00:39

The woman that lives a few doors down has a nephew (I think) that visits her on a regular basis. My son (7) used to play out at the front of my house with this child (I live in a cul de sac and he knows NOT to go out of the "circle"). However, a few weeks ago DS1 came running in the house screaming with a bloody nose. He was too upset to tell me what had happened properly so I went and asked the other children that were playing out as I didnt see myself what had happened. They told me this boy had pushed DS1s face into a parked car because he didnt want to play with DS1. I gave him the benefit of the doubt as, like I said, I hadn't seen what happened nor could I get a straight answer from DS1.

A week after this had happened DS1 again came in crying and said it was the same boys fault again. This time he'd taken DS1s scooter off him and when DS1 asked for it back, he slapped him, punched him, kicked him between the legs and pushed him over.

I went out to get DS1s scooter back and as I did the boy dropped the scooter and ran back to his house, as if he'd done something wrong.

I have now stopped DS1 from playing out so to avoid this boy and I'm not sure about going to see the boys auntie or whatever she is as I have to live near her and have only just recently moved in so I'm new to the street.

OP posts:

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WorraLiberty · 26/08/2013 00:44

I have now stopped DS1 from playing out so to avoid this boy and I'm not sure about going to see the boys auntie or whatever she is as I have to live near her and have only just recently moved in so I'm new to the street

Really?

Take a hold of yourself and ask yourself what's more important here

Your child and his right to play in the street without being assaulted and his property stolen, or your popularity in the street?

It's a no brainer to me.

Why should your child have his freedom to play taken away, just to make things easier for you?

I'm sure you haven't thought about it like that...but really it's time you did.

DaleyBump · 26/08/2013 00:47

Agree with Worra. Your DS has the right to be safe in his street.

Helentres · 26/08/2013 00:51

It's not about popularity in the street. It's about not wanting to create hostility with the neighbours and causing future problems.

I feel awful for not letting him play in the street when this other child is around. And tbh I don't see why he should have to stay in.

I was mainly looking for advice on how to deal with this kind of situation without causing too much conflict.

In the past I would have (and did) go round to the parents and have it out with them (in a previous house I lived in) but this then caused all kinds of issues with the neighbours.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 26/08/2013 00:59

This is one of the times where you have to get involved, and the Auntie will want to know what he's been up to (you'd hope).

Although don't go in all guns blazing, see what their reaction/the lad says before taking her to task. She might be appalled and get right on it.

Slapping, punching, kicking your DS between the legs, bloodied nose, no, that's not right. If it was an adult you wouldn't ignore it, I'm not suggesting going to the police or anything, but that's pretty full on for 7 YO lads IMO and not something you can ignore.

AgentZigzag · 26/08/2013 01:00

If he's done that to your DS, it's the lad causing any hostility, not you.

Let your DS out and tell him to come back if he sees him?

Helentres · 26/08/2013 01:07

I know I can't ignore it. Especially seeing as we live here and this other boy just visits, I think that makes it worse somehow.

Ill pay the auntie a visit and see what happens. I know there's be serious consequences for my children if it was the other way around.

Last time I got the whole "my child would never do a thing like that your child must be lying" thing rolls eyes x

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 26/08/2013 01:15

Lovely sentiment in theory Worra but round here standing up for your children's right to play safely tends to get your car doors kicked in.....

It may well be the same for the OP, and it's unfair of you to judge without knowing.

AgentZigzag · 26/08/2013 01:15

I can see how you don't want to start off on the wrong foot there, especially if you've had shit before.

But they would only count for something 'minor' like bins on the pavement or loud music in the afternoon, your DS getting his head punched in is different.

How is your DS now, what does he make of it?

Helentres · 26/08/2013 01:32

He seems fine now. He says that the other boy is nasty and horrible and doesn't want to play with him. He seems quite happy to stay in and play with his younger brothers in the back garden.

I just feel like he should be able to have the option to play at the front with children his age if wants to, without being worried about this other boy. Especially seeing as he used to come in full of beams telling me all about the games he's playing with the other children and couldn't wait to play out again the next day x

OP posts:

supermariossister · 26/08/2013 08:29

I live somewhere where I wouldnt feel comfortable having it out with parents but if anyones child or relative had done that to my ds I would be doing. your son needs to see you sticking up for him and be allowed to play all this is teaching him is if someone's mean to you you stay indoors and don't rock the boat . I feel for u I do cause its shit but you need to stick up for your son.

maddening · 26/08/2013 08:43

I would let him go out and tell him to tell you the moment this child is on the scene - then go out and watch them - either the child will notice your presence and behave or you will witness it and can go and explain what has happened, that you know of two previous incidents where your son was attacked and injured by him and that she needs to discuss with her nephew and supervise him if his behaviour continues.

SilverApples · 26/08/2013 08:46

What are the other children who are playing out saying about what is happening? Are they seeing this behaviour, and the incidents of violence?

SilverApples · 26/08/2013 08:47

Maddening is right, you need to find time to observe, preferably without being observed by either of the boys.

Squitten · 26/08/2013 08:48

Agree with maddening

I would let him out to play but get out there when this other kid appears. Knowing you are watching him should stop him but at least you will see it yourself if he does kick off.

marriedinwhiteisback · 26/08/2013 09:02

I bet it isn't just your son in the firing line.

Let your son play out but tell him to come straight home if this child appears.

What do you know about the aunt? Does she seem OK or a bit rough? Do you know why the boy stays with her? Is she a real aunt? Is this a "foster type arrangement? Can you get to know some of the other families and find out more?

Justforlaughs · 26/08/2013 09:10

I'd let my DS outside but would be keeping a very close eye on what was going on, from a discrete vantage point. If anything did happen, I'd then be asking why it is just your DS that is being targeted or whether in fact this little boy does the same to other children. When I had all the facts at my finger tips (and footage on my phone if possible) I'd go round for a quiet word with "auntie" and see what she says. YOU don't need to be aggressive, just a quiet word might be enough. It would be if it was MY child that was behaving like that!

MamaTo3Boys · 26/08/2013 10:01

Hi, it's OP I've NC.

Marriedinwhite- I don't know the aunt, or any of the neighbours really. We've not lived here long and I tend to keep to myself. I suppose its time to socialise a bit and try and find out a bit more.

The other children that play out are lovely and normally bring DS back to me if any things happened and make sure hes ok etc.

I don't think it is just my son in the firing line as I have seen him be pushy with other children, but they just tell him to get lost and thats the end of it. DS isn't like that. He'd rather just walk away.

Not sure if this is the right time to mention it but DS has unfortunately seen quite a lot of violence due to me being in a violent relationship. Which, I know, is probably more of a reason for me to show him its not ok

Thanks for all your advice. I will let him play out and keep an eye on him from the front room window. If anything else happens then ill go round to aunties house and say I've seen it happen myself. Then no chance of her calling DS a liar like in the past.

marriedinwhiteisback · 26/08/2013 10:42

Good luck OP. Hope you all stay safe and your future is happy. DS is a very lucky young man to have a mum who "escaped" and is putting the bits back together again. It might just be that the other lad is seeing some of what yours has seen but responding more negatively.

MamaTo3Boys · 26/08/2013 17:34

DS Has played out all day today with no problems although the child that was causing him problems wasnt around. But still, his little face lighting up this morning when I told him he could play out was enough to make my day

thebody · 26/08/2013 17:42

op I would also get your child enrolled in some sort if martial arts/ self defence classes.

these will give your son confidence and therefore make him less of a target for bullies.

defiantly you need to watch what's going on, after 4 kids I am afraid I don't ever go knocking in doors to speak to the adults of bullies, the best way to nip this in the bud is for you to approach the kid, look him in the eye and tell him if he touches your lad again you will come after him.

it works.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 26/08/2013 17:54

Where I live going to see the parents could go either way... they'd sort the little bugger out, or my windows would go missing!

I would let my DS out to play, if the nephew came out I would take a book and sit out the front of my house watching to make sure they get on okay - he would be unlikely to do/say anything to your DS if you were there... so a few times of being present my help break the cycle.

Floggingmolly · 26/08/2013 17:54

You won't defend your child because you don't want to create hostility with the neighbours?
What lesson are you teaching your son by telling him he has to stay indoors because the other boy can't behave and his mother won't defend him?

DalePie · 26/08/2013 17:59

I agree totally with thebody.

Perhaps take your son to Karate, Judo or perhaps boxing.

Taking your son away from the siltation and in effect hiding him from this bully gives your son the wrong idea. It sets in wheels the idea that running away and crying is the best way to deal with a bully.

At the moment this is not an issue. Fast forward to secondary school and you could end up with a young lad being bullied almost everyday of his school life. Not good.

I would go see the auntie, get this problem nipped in the bud. I would also get your son interested in one of the martial arts / sports listed above. Is the lads father around? If not maybe finds a club with a strong male role model in the club. He needs to learn to stand up for himself or he will be bullied to no end in secondary school.

:)

mrsjay · 26/08/2013 18:25

as others have said why should your son live in fear and not be able to go out to play go see the auntie tell her what happend or if it happens again, or tell the boy off if he hurts your son again, you cant hide him away imo, fwiw I think any child can be bullied and intimitaded even if they do do martial arts,

MamaTo3Boys · 26/08/2013 18:33

Floggingmolly - it's not that I won't defend him at all. I think you may have the wrong end of the stick. It's that I wanted advice on how to deal with this as, to me, bullying is a delicate issue and you can quite easily make things worse without meaning to.

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