To find this behaviour annoying and martyr like.

(217 Posts)
stressedsister1 Fri 23-Aug-13 22:42:06

My sister and I have been under a lot of strain recently.

She has mild learning difficulties and much of her behaviour I find very selfish, which I think is a combination of both the learning difficulties and her personality (I have an uncle who is very similar)

She always puts herself first, and will never go out of her way to do anything else for somebody unless it benefits her. Recently I have told her how upset I am by her selfish behaviour.

Her response to this has been acting so selfless, it actually comes across in my (probably unreasonable) opinion as acting like a martyr.

e.g. When she was sitting with the paper, I asked how long she would be. I would consider a typical answer "Don't worry, I'll only be 5 minutes" or something similar. Her response is "I haven't finished, but here, you can have it."

e.g. She was standing next to the bath in her towel (with the door open, don't ask me why!) It wasn't clear if she was about to get in, or had just gotten out, so I asked her. I would consider a typical answer "Sorry, I'm just about to get in, I'll be as quick as I can" or something similar. Her response is "I haven't had a bath yet, but you can go first."

I find this behaviour really annoying and martyr like.

When she says these things, it actually makes me feel bad and guilty, when I didn't intentionally do anything wrong. I am trying my best to get on with her, but she just makes me feel bad, as if I was taking advantage of her.

I don't think she is trying to upset me on purpose, actually I think she is trying to take on board what I said about her being selfish, and actually trying to make me happier. She is just going about it in a way that inadvertently upsets me.

stressedsister1 Sat 24-Aug-13 00:37:32

You sound like you have some issues of your own. You make it sound like she tricked you into thieving from her, or taking advantage of her, when she merely offered to let you have the paper. You wanted her to be less selfish and now she is being, you are upset with her because you feel guilty. That's not about her, the problem lies squarely with you in that respect.

I don't think she tricked me. I don't think she wanted to upset me.

But she did.

Because it isn't nice being made to feel guilty when you've done nothing wrong

WilsonFrickett Sat 24-Aug-13 00:38:09

Feck me, she really can't win, can she?

Oxford excellent post.

stressedsister1 Sat 24-Aug-13 00:40:07

what you have described has nothing to do with her...learning difficulties or not....expecting an approximate time or number of pages left, when you asked how long she would be with the paper is NUTS! Its YOU

Maybe it's nuts for you. It's a normal question in my family. The remainder of my family, who are NT, ask each other all the time. It's normal for us.

When you only have one bathroom between a whole family, and it doesn't make enough hot water to let everyone have a bath or shower without turning on an additional heater, it helps to ask these questions.

Boomba Sat 24-Aug-13 00:41:38

She just wanted me to go first so she wouldn't be selfish, because she incorrectly thought that would make me happy

she 'incorrectly' thought that would make you happy, because that is what YOU told her you wanted

what you really want is for her to be someone else. You are taking the stance that you are correct in your expectations and she is wrong. She is just getting on your nerves, and you have to find a way to deal with it or stop living together

DanicaJones Sat 24-Aug-13 00:41:56

She can't win then.

zzzzz Sat 24-Aug-13 00:42:53

But if you ask her to tell you when she's finished her focus may well be doing that to her best ability?

Perhaps three people suggesting it should give more weight to the suggestion?

Look the bottom line is you are behaving unreasonably. You've acknowledged that. The easiest thing to do in any relationship is to change your own behaviour to encourage the behaviour you require in the other person.

If you want to have a winge about how bugging your sister is, fine, but if you want things to improve listen and action some of these suggestions.

stressedsister1 Sat 24-Aug-13 00:43:28

Of course she is getting on my nerves!

Have you even read my other post?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1831117-To-not-want-my-sister-to-be-friends-with-him

Boomba Sat 24-Aug-13 00:44:28

well..it doesnt work for your sister does it..she isnt 'the rest of your family'...NT or not. So you can carry on asking her annoying questions about ETA of free paper and receive irritating responses. Or alter your behaviour. You cant alter her behaviour, for your pleasure. She is not being in the slightest bit unreasonable

Boomba Sat 24-Aug-13 00:45:18

No

why would I have 'even read your other threads'? confused

stressedsister1 Sat 24-Aug-13 00:45:42

well..it doesnt work for your sister does it..she isnt 'the rest of your family'...NT or not. So you can carry on asking her annoying questions about ETA of free paper and receive irritating responses. Or alter your behaviour. You cant alter her behaviour, for your pleasure. She is not being in the slightest bit unreasonable

Yes, because people with LDs are never ever unreasonable. They are always perfect and whatever they do, no matter who they hurt its never their fault, they can't help it, they have a LD.

stressedsister1 Sat 24-Aug-13 00:46:53

No

why would I have 'even read your other threads'?

Well I only posted a link to it on this thread 20 minutes ago., to explain why my sister puts me under so much strain.

Have you even read my other post? You do know this site has a million plus members and lots of posts every day.

You need to work on moving out, getting your own space and reworking your relationship with your sister.

No one can make you guilty. They have behaviour. You react to it. Your guilt is not her fault.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sat 24-Aug-13 00:47:45

How old are you both?

What is the household set up?

Do you have learning difficulties too?

Ironically, you are reacting quite badly on here. Are we making you guilty or are you normally a bit hostile or are you having AIBU rage, I've had it?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sat 24-Aug-13 00:49:27

Yes, because people with LDs are never ever unreasonable. They are always perfect and whatever they do, no matter who they hurt its never their fault, they can't help it, they have a LD

OUCH

zzzzz Sat 24-Aug-13 00:49:34

Yes, because people with LDs are never ever unreasonable. They are always perfect and whatever they do, no matter who they hurt its never their fault, they can't help it, they have a LD

This is the problem. You need to deal with this and leave your sister alone.

stressedsister1 Sat 24-Aug-13 00:49:36

No one can make you guilty. They have behaviour. You react to it. Your guilt is not her fault.

I disagree. People can definitely guilt-trip others. In my sisters case it was unintentional.

But it was still a guilt trip

stressedsister1 Sat 24-Aug-13 00:50:30

Ironically, you are reacting quite badly on here. Are we making you guilty or are you normally a bit hostile or are you having AIBU rage, I've had it?

Yes, I am, youre right

It's late, I'm tired and I'm angry.

And what I really need right now is a bit of support, even if I am being unreasonable.

stressedsister1 Sat 24-Aug-13 00:51:28

How old are you both?
24 and 22
What is the household set up?
2 parents, 3 grown up children
Do you have learning difficulties too?
No

As usual with AIBU, there is support in there, but if you are feeling rotten, you can't see it. Advice and support are available, it's just mixed in with a big dose of "suck it up and behave yourself". If you really want some support, post in Relationships and be really honest with yourself and listen.

I do feel for you. My DB is on the AS and I find him, and my family's reaction to him, frustrating at times.

OxfordBags Sat 24-Aug-13 00:53:24

Look, do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? Jesus Christ, the most NT of people wouldn't stand a hope in hell against your martyr-tastic passive aggression. Just because something works for you or makes sense for you, doesn't mean it will for her, and you just can't make be how she operates. It wouldn't matter if she was the onlyperson for whom it doesn't work that way, if it doesn't, it doesn't. You need to find a better way, not keep pushing this arbitrary notionof how she should do and say things onto someone probably struggling to understand a lot of stuff you take for granted in the first place. You are remarkably unperceptive if you can't see any of this.

And again, I reiterate, she is NOT making you feel guilty. No-one has the power to make anyone else feel anything. If you feel guilty, YOU have made yourself feel that way, so ask yourself why, don't blame her. Have you felt guilty for being NT most of your life? Do you think that might unconsciously have something to do with it?

I feel sorry for your poor sister. Damned if she does, damned if she doesn't. Why don't write her a bloody script of how she must talk to you, without deviation, right down to her facial expressions and body language? Because whilst you're stuck in this loop of lying to yourself that she is responsible for your feelings and being down on whatever she does and says, nothing a out her is ever going to be good enough for you, or right for you.

And you do realise that trying to control and dictate her behaviour can't miraculously 'cure' her, don't you? Because you certainly wouldn't be the first person close to someone with SN who thought that way, consciously or not.

Boomba Sat 24-Aug-13 00:54:21

Yes, because people with LDs are never ever unreasonable. They are always perfect and whatever they do, no matter who they hurt its never their fault, they can't help it, they have a LD

this doesnt really make sense as a reply to what i wrote.

I am not saying that your sister has never acted in an unreasonable way. But the things you have posted about on this thread, do not show her to be unreasonable. The interactions that you have described show you to be acting unreasonably towards her

It sounds like you are using your sisters LDs to blame her and to try to control her behaviour/life.....I imagine there is a massive back story that may explain why you eel this way?

OxfordBags Sat 24-Aug-13 00:56:17

PS Even if someone is very deliberately trying to guilt trip you, you choose to feel guilty or not. You can choose to not feel guilty. Again, the responsibility is yours.

You sound incredibly bitter, btw. Were you never allowed to feel angry at her,or pissed off with her behaviour when you were kids because of her SN? Because, if you were, that's not her fault, that's your parents' fault. You can't punish her for having SN, or difficulties in your childhood caused by her problems.

stressedsister1 Sat 24-Aug-13 00:56:56

Have you felt guilty for being NT most of your life? Do you think that might unconsciously have something to do with it?

Absolutely not. I've seen the problems my sister has, why would I want them too?

Boomba Sat 24-Aug-13 00:57:25

And what I really need right now is a bit of support, even if I am being unreasonable

you need to tell us the real problem, I think

I dont think you'll get support over newspapers and baths. But, clearly this runs deeper

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