SIL, a wedding, FB, it's like AIBU bingo in here...

[namechangesforthehardstuff]

Hmmmmm. I think IABU. So I suppse I'm hoping to find out and maybe think through a response...

Anyway.

SIL divorced two years ago and since then has had a few relationships with men in a way that makes it look as though she's really quite desperate to be married again. She gets very involved very quickly and always seems to be looking for the next person. She was engaged last year but that fell through. She's been very defensive about her choices and at Christmas stopped talking to DH (her brother) as she said I was judging her, this came after she had made some really horrible comments about DD who is 3 and she seemed to be trying to start an argument and was frustrated that she wasn't getting one. I wasn't judging her, I really don't judge anyone for what they do sexually but I was very pissed off about the things she said about DD. I can see that she's possibly depressed and that's maybe where it's coming from. The two of us have never really seen eye to eye but I've always tried to be pleasant and supportive, we had her to stay for a while after she and BIl split up and she was a fucking nightmare

Anyway.

We have just found out from DH's DB (so her other brother) that she is getting married to her boyfriend in about six weeks. DBIL and DSIL got an invitation of the 'PIL request the pleasure of your company...' kind. The wedding will be a good 600 miles away (although they live quite close to us) and I don't think we could realistically go. DH has just had surgery, we don't have the money to fly or hire a car, we don't drive, DD is a bit too young for a 9 hour car journey (and I am too old for a nine hour car journey with a 3 year old...). It's a week since DB told us and we've sort of been waiting for an invitation but none has arrived. Since then there have been FB messages of a cryptic kind (she likes a good cryptic FB message does SIL) liking wedding caterers etc. and a couple of congratulatory messages to her etc. But no actual announcements.

So it's dawning on us that we're not invited. Which is probably all good really as we couldn't go anyway but a bit weird as we thought the Christmas thing was all sorted out when she asked DH to go for coffee with her and apologised and SIL and BIL really don't get on so it's like she's invited the brother she hates and not the one she gets on with IYSWIM?

But the question is whether we should do something nice like send her a nice card and congratulations and be grown-up about it. OR whether we just keep on 'not knowing' and see how long it takes PIL and SIL to ACTUALLY LET DH KNOW HIS SISTER IS GETTING MARRIED?

DH says he doesn't want to play her silly FB game and we should just leave it as though we don't know. And I kind of agree because it's really interesting to watch the massive dramatics that tend to follow But OTOH maybe we should be grown ups...

AWBU to say nothing? WWYD?

[DontActuallyLikePrunes]

Oh, how horrible, and yet, how juicy. (Sorry.)

I would leave it entirely to your DH to decide, because it's his family.
My instinct would be to ignore, as she is obviously angling for attention in the long term.

[ilovechips]

I would say nothing to be honest, just wait and see what happens (although I know I'd be dying to say something too)

[namechangesforthehardstuff]

Yeah it is all about attention. The thing is I know my role is supposed to be being absolutely livid that I'm not invited and stalking around being highly dramatic. And I know I could deflate that with a card. But the big kid in me just wants to go 'What wedding?'

[YouTheCat]

I'd be very grown up about it and send a nice card and message.

She'll no doubt be wanting to tell people you refused to come or some such crap (even though you haven't been invited).

[ratbagcatbag]

I like the "what wedding theory" although if you know the date you could invite pils over for the same weekend and see what excuse they give or if they tell you the truth

[hermioneweasley]

Why woukd you send a card if you don't know? If and when she tells you, offer profound congratulations and send a lovely card, with a poem.

[onlyfortonight]

Invite got lost in the post?

...but seriously, it is a bit weird. Has your DH spoken quietly to the PIL? Surely they are not in some sort of cahoots too!

I would definitely send a nice card...to deflate her hopes of a big bust up, and I expect wait your turn to be back 'in' with this little drama queen.

Not worth the bother...and think of the money you will save not having to go to a wedding miles away.

[StayAwayFromTheEdge]

I'd just ask outright - I can't be bothered with silly games. but then it might be more fun to drag it out

[namechangesforthehardstuff]

Did think of inviting PILs same weeekend. We don't get on with PILs either so cahoots is perfectly possible but that's another thread about a cucumber

It is a bit strange. Surely not inviting your brother to your wedding is a bit final?

DH is pretty committed to letting it just run. He thinks it's funny

[DontActuallyLikePrunes]

Surely other brother will tell her that he's told your husband?
So if you say nothing, it'll look like you're deliberately ignoring her?

[specialsubject]

it's a bit Groucho Marx: 'I wouldn't want to join a club that would have me as a member'. :-)

you don't want to go, she doesn't want you to go as she cannot realistically assume that you wouldn't find out. Make other plans and don't even waste a stamp.

doesn't sound like the marriage will outlast the guarantee on the presents, anyway.

[namechangesforthehardstuff]

Well no because she never speaks to other brother because they have hated each other for the last ten years or so (what a lovely functional family I have married into here ). Which is why it's really bizarre that they have an invite and DH, who has always been her darling younger brother until he married that bitch namechanges doesn't.

[namechangesforthehardstuff]

speacialsubject I want to make it really clear that DH and I have not dicsussed having a sweepstake on the likely duration of the marriage, not even in jest

[MortifiedAdams]

Id ignore. If she mentions the FB posts in an 'angling for attention' sort of way, id say "havent seen them, but then I Hide nearly everyone on there!"

[laeiou]

How odd. You seem to have quite a few options, including a few that could make her squirm.

Is DH okay with closing off his relationship with them all? It seems like you and DH are being punished by his whole family for some imagined slight. I'd probably think "fine" and ignore them, but that's easy to say.

[YouTheCat]

Has she forgotten which brother she has fallen out with and sent the invite to the wrong one?

[NicknameIncomplete]

YoutheCat -

[ViviPru]

Ooh this is interesting.

I think when it comes to situations where you haven't officially been informed of something, yet you have found out, then your approach has to be determined by the nature in which you found out.

In this instance, via the DB, which is entirely plausible and above-board (rather than just an inference from social media etc) so in which case to avoid appearing petty or getting drawn into silly games you have to proceed as if you do know they are getting married and behave accordingly, i.e. send a card with warmest wishes.

This is SO like my (former) relationship with DB and SiL. It was impossible to know what was the best action that wasn't going to draw you into their games, yet not compromise your integrity.

DO keep us posted OP...

[laeiou]

It sounds like the kind of family that like to have one person in the bad books, and it's currently DH's turn, maybe because he doesn't join in with the rest off them falling out with each other. He's well rid of them.

[YouTheCat]

Can you do some nice cryptic facebooking of your own?

Maybe 'We know...' or 'I do love a good wedding'

[namechangesforthehardstuff]

We're being punished for thinking we're better than them I think. This includes being happily married, loving our daughter, not letting casual racism, sexism and homophobia go, me saying what I think despite being a woman, DH ironing his own shirts... You know the sort of thing.

TBH DH is just waiting for the day when one or other of them cuts him off, they have form with other relatives...

[SmiteYouWithThunderbolts]

Ok, firstly I need to know about the cucumber thing.

Ohhhh I don't know what I'd do! Nothing. Yes. Do nothing. Just wait and watch it all play out, then watch her have a massive paddy because you haven't been as upset as she wanted.

[Repeatedlydoingthetwist]

I'm trying to think what would annoy me the most if I was a FB drama queen I am and I think a card would probably piss me right off, as it takes away the chance for a row, and as a PP said she also won't be able to tell people that you refused to come etc. I would take it one step further and put a nice Facebook status up congratulating her (make sure you tag her so her friends can see too) as this makes you the bigger person AND will prompt her friends to ask why you're not at the wedding at which point she will probably lie anyway but at least you tried

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Why play games at all?

If your not invited and not supposed to know, do nothing.

Just get on with your life and don't worry about it.

Of course if you did want to play you could let them know via whatever (don't tell Sil but) means that you wouldn't be able to come anyway.

Wait for your invite as she knows that you can't come, turn it down, then the fall out could be your present to her as she will no doubt enjoy the attention.

[Littleen]

I'd say leave it with your DH and let him make the decision, then just support him whatever he decides to do. It sounds rather strange, why she hasn't told you two!

Also, your 3 year old is old enough for a 9 hour journey! We used to travel 12 hours to holiday in Sweden every year when I was growin up, and we would leave at bedtime, so me and sister would be asleep most of the journey, and my parents would swap between driving and sleeping. Worked brilliantly, but you would want to stay over for a night before the wedding to catch up on sleep for yourselves.