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to say no to another baby because dh doesn't want me to breastfeed?

(206 Posts)
Hollibaloo Tue 20-Aug-13 23:54:15

I have a 7 and 2 year old. I am very much pro-breastfeeding and for fed my eldest til she self weaned at 3 and am still feeding my 2 year old. Dh and I would like dc3 but tonight he said that he wants this hypothetical baby to be formula fed. He said he knows bf is healthier etc but he thinks ff is quicker, easier and will give us more time together. His children with ex wife were ff and they had lots of nights out which we don't. I said I'd compromise and use a dummy but that bf is important to me and Seriseeing as I work from home and do all night feeds it should really be up to me. He said I picked to bf dc1+2 so it's time he had a choice. Aibu to stand my ground and say I will only have another dc if I can breastfeed?

flowersinavase Wed 21-Aug-13 00:07:57

YANBU. He's a fool and utterly selfish.

Jux Wed 21-Aug-13 00:08:03

Not his choice. If he could do it, he could choose not to. He can't, so if you want to go ahead.

HoopersGinger Wed 21-Aug-13 00:08:46

My post is very unclear! Second "she" is our baby, not his ex wife.

MrsWembley Wed 21-Aug-13 00:08:52

Absolutely gobsmacked by such a statement!shock

His fucking choice?!!!!!!

hmm You really need to ask him what the fuck he thinks he's talking about. It's not a choice he is in a position to make. It's not his choice to make. It's just so far beyond his choice that I am completely blown away by his arrogance in thinking he can demand this of you.

Yy, as someone ^^ said, if it was something along the lines if choosing a name then sure, he gets a say.

Did you express any milk before for him to feed your DCs? You could always suggest that to him. But give him a good boot up the arse first and tell him to stop being such a fuckwit.

HoopersGinger Wed 21-Aug-13 00:11:16

Tell him you will consider it but you have decided he should always sit down to piss. Rubbish analogy but best I could do inspired by Jux

I think that the decision to have another baby should be a far bigger decision that "only if we FF/BF" for both of you. I don't mean that you should give in to this demand, but I find it difficult to understand how the decision to have a child - who will be part of the rest of your lives - can hinge around something that will last a couple of years. How you feed your baby is a small part of such a big picture. Either you both want another child in that big picture or you don't.

SuffolkNWhat Wed 21-Aug-13 00:13:06

YANBU, is he going to do all the feeds? Is he fuck! BF has worked for you do why compromise on that for the sake of a couple of nights out?!

AnyFucker Germany Wed 21-Aug-13 00:17:25

BS, yup

the game playing and threatening seems waaay out of place here

from both of them

shufflehopstep Wed 21-Aug-13 00:19:00

It is not his choice. As someone else said, when he carries a baby for nine months and then has his nether regions shot to bits giving birth - THEN he gets a choice. Sorry, OP, but what an idiot.

GangstersLoveToDance Wed 21-Aug-13 00:19:28

IF this was a father encouraging mum to bf when she was dead-set on ff, what would people say?

A few I can guess - 'It's his baby too, he's entitled to an opinion'. 'Have you heared him out?' 'Have you talked about this?'

All of those still apply here. If extended bf has significantly affected your relationship/your family dynamics/whatever in the past then he is bound to have an opinion. He is not entitled to demand that you ff - but that's not what this sounds like really. Reading between the lines, it seems that he is feeling put-out, based on past events.

Do NOT have another child before you - you know - talk to each other. It sounds like there is so much more going on here than a disagreement about feeding methods. Possibly some past resentment with previously pregnancies/child issues.

Bf is not 'important' to all mothers. Clearly, as some babies are ff from birth. Neither is is that 'important' to all fathers. This man is being demonised for that pov, whereas whenever a mother chooses to ff, it's all 'Oh hun, happy mum=happy baby. Do it your way' puke-worthy statements. Unfair much.

I can see that there may be scope for compromises around expressing and storing milk. But him demanding you FF just because he wants a few nights out - not on.

dinosaursarebisexual Wed 21-Aug-13 00:20:43

What a selfish twunt.

Hollibaloo Wed 21-Aug-13 00:22:59

For nights out read 'i want to have more sex so not have the baby be so dependent on you.' Yes breathe we both want one in the long run but IMO bf has longer laslasting effects than the first couple of years regarding health benefits and so is a big consideration for me. I'd rather spend more nights feeding a toddler and having an interrupted sex life than have nights up down the line with an ill child, potential financial issues due to extra days off etc.

YoniBottsBumgina Wed 21-Aug-13 00:24:04

Tell him you will consider it if he does every single feed ever, apart from a few planned in advance ones which he will have to make allowances for. Which means he has to find a way to stay at home to do the feeds, and you get to take whichever job you like in or out of it. He does all the night feeds, he has to give absolute notice and leave the correct amount of feeds if he goes out or suddenly finds he wants to stay out longer than planned, sort out the bottles for the babysitter if you go on a night out, etc. Oh, and every time he misses a feed, he has to pour half of the feed that he missed down his top. And maybe put an elastic band on his balls to simulate engorgement.

It's only fair, you've done the other two, now it's his turn! What a lovely idea it was for him to suggest it wink

binhome Wed 21-Aug-13 00:24:19

I would say the same gangsters. As pro breastfeeding as I am noone should feel pressurized into breastfeeding if they don't want to. I appreciate that does probably happen with healcare professionals who are worried about stats etc.

AnyFucker Germany Wed 21-Aug-13 00:24:22

men who want "their" breasts back ?

some women actually tolerate twunts like this ?

my flabber is gasted

Ham69 Wed 21-Aug-13 00:24:45

Erm, YADNBU.
He is being VFU.
He comes across as very selfish and ignorant.

Hollibaloo Wed 21-Aug-13 00:25:16

AF: how am I game playing and threatening??

squoosh Wed 21-Aug-13 00:25:51

Yes Gangsters he's entitled to his opinion, and if extended breastfeeding has had a detrimental affect on their relationship they should discuss that, he's not however entitled though to dictate to the OP as to how she uses her own body. I'm shocked anyone would side with him on that.

The fact remains, it is her body and is up to her if she breastfeeds or not.

Make sense much?

ExcuseTypos Wed 21-Aug-13 00:26:17

Gangsters what a strange argument. In this case the OP has said she'll be the one doing all the feeding, so she should be able to choose how she does that feeding.

YoniBottsBumgina Wed 21-Aug-13 00:27:26

Oh nice sad Formula doesn't always make them sleep, anyway. I'm pretty sure most babies have a negative effect on your sex life whether you feed them breastmilk,formula or valium (okay maybe they would sleep if you fed them valium, but I wouldn't suggest it grin) because of the hormonal effects, general exhaustingness of looking after 3 under 5, one or other of them going through sleep troubles at any one time.

Formula is NOT a magic sleep and sex pill. I'd also be unlikely to want more DC with him if he's so selfish.

SuffolkNWhat Wed 21-Aug-13 00:27:32

If my DH tried to claim my breasts as his own he'd be kicked back to his Mother's house sharpish. My breasts are mine, I may choose to use them during sex if I wish but no one but no one has the right to claim them as theirs. Ever.

Hollibaloo Wed 21-Aug-13 00:27:45

I like it Yoni, particularly the elastic band part wink

AnyFucker Germany Wed 21-Aug-13 00:28:23

Holli, you are threatening not to have another child

I presume this was a mutual decision in the first place ?

in that case, simply tell him you will BF/FF on the basis of what suits you and baby

no further tit/tat to be countenanced

< forgive the bad pun >

YoniBottsBumgina Wed 21-Aug-13 00:28:45

Actually Gangsters I've seen threads on here where the dad has been for BF and the mother against and it has always gone the way of "Her body, her choice" aside from a tiny tiny minority of posters. Much like this thread, then...

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