WWYD not AIBU. Evidence of a friend's DH's (possible) infidelity

(191 Posts)
SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 14:19:11

I have a few ex-colleagues from my previous job as Facebook friends. I'm also FB friends with someone who used to work there and who met her now-husband there. She no longer works there (left before I did); he still does. She isn't in touch with many people from there on FB in her own right IYSWIM but she and I hit it off and have stayed in touch. We're not bezza mates but I went to their evening wedding reception, we exchange the odd email as well as keeping in touch via FB and I've met her for coffee when I've been back in the area, and I would consider her a friend rather than just an ex-colleague. Her DH isn't one of my FB friends.

One of my ex-colleagues on FB has uploaded some pictures from a recent work night out. I was having a scroll through at lunchtime and in the background of two of the photos is my friend's DH with a woman I don't recognise. In one of them they are kissing - proper, arms wrapped round each other, eyes closed, tongues round the tonsils kissing. In the other they are close, he has his hands on her waist/lower back and she has hers round his neck and they look as if they are gazing into each other's eyes. It looks like more than just 'night out friendliness' IYKWIM. In neither photo are they the main subject, nor do they give any indication they know they are in shot and he isn't tagged but it is unmistakeably him. There is a third photo where they are partly in shot - can't see faces but you can tell its them by the outfits and the angle relative to the other pics - and his hand is cupping her arse. His hand with his wedding ring on. sad

My friend's recent FB updates have been the usual chatty stuff she posts, mentioning her DH as normal and while I doubt we'd be close enough for heart-to-heart stuff, I think I'd know if they had split up.

What do I do? Do I do anything? Do I tell my friend and if so, how? She isn't FB friends with the person who uploaded the pics. I know it probably sounds OTT and melodramatic but seeing those photos has given me a real shock and I'm sitting at my desk feeling slightly sick. I keep trying to think of an innocent explanation but these photos don't look innocent. sad

Notmadeofrib Fri 23-Aug-13 19:50:46

Well done OP

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 22-Aug-13 23:42:31

Lav - she's happy as doesn't know any different

If she knew her dh was dick dipping course she wouldn't be happy

AnyFucker Thu 22-Aug-13 20:50:14

I wouldn't call that a happy relationship Rosa

Of course, not everyone wants to get involved though

Lavidaenrosa Thu 22-Aug-13 17:11:38

I was in the same situation and I chose to keep my mouth shut. They are still happy (the couple with my friend not knowing about her BF cheating on her) 3 years on.

AnyFucker Thu 22-Aug-13 17:11:09

What a great friend you are

ProphetOfDoom Thu 22-Aug-13 15:48:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Well done select its never pleasant telling something this horrific but in my opinion is if I kept tis secret from someone I couldn't ever be normal around them anyway.
She will be thankful one day that someone had the balls to make sure she knew the truth whatever she decides to do.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 22-Aug-13 13:59:05

You did the right thing OP, however horrible.

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 22-Aug-13 13:54:26

you did the right thing, your friend needed to know, i would want to know if oh was unfaithful - yes it hard to tell someone but least you had eveidence

seems from what you have said its not the first time sad

all you can do is be there for her

StuntGirl Thu 22-Aug-13 13:46:10

As shitty a discovery as it is for her she deserves better than a cheating arse of a partner. I hope things work out for her. You're a good friend flowers

You're a friend in a million, and she'll need you. Best thing my friends did for me was to act normally. We went out for dinner, drinks, coffee or just a walk and had fun. It was lovely to laugh, because when you are on your own you cry. The fact you aren't super close will help. My 'best' friends were too close, couldn't be objective and I didn't want their righteous indignation on my behalf.

SelectAUserName Thu 22-Aug-13 13:16:13

I have had a brief email from my friend this morning. Without going into too much detail as this is really her business, my email the other day prompted her to do some detective work via her 'D'H's emails/Facebook before she confronted him, and what she found sadly confirms that this does not appear to have been a one-off drunken snog. sad

She has thanked me for telling her, even though as she puts it "part of [her] would rather not know". I don't know what she's going to do, she hasn't gone into detail and I suspect she probably doesn't entirely know herself yet. I have simply reiterated to her that I'm so sorry and that I'm here for her if she needs me. For the time being anyway, she and I still have a friendship which is important to me. I know it's her husband's fault and I know it's better all round that she is able to move forward from a position of knowledge, but I can't shake off the heavy dull sad feeling that my email was the catalyst which has shattered her illusions about her marriage. I just wish the stupid twunt had kept his dick in his pants.

I don't intend to update further as this has moved away from "what should I do?" to "what is she going to do?" and that's not really my place to discuss on here. A final thank you for your invaluable support during the last couple of days. I only wish it had had a better outcome sad

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Thu 22-Aug-13 10:00:40

You did the right thing and the brave thing OP.

seenenough it's awkward seeing any friends as a couple after an affair. I don't think it is down to what you did, I think it's just facing the world again is difficult. I've dealt with it by telling everyone, as then there is no elephant in the room, and I know that whoever I'm talking to isn't wondering about the gossip on the grapevine and trying to work out how much of it is true. Other people deal with it differently. DH (not surprisingly) would rather keep it quiet but as I've told him he has no right to an opinion, and my way of dealing and moving on is to discuss things with my friends, rather than hide myself away in a miserable little bundle and brood.

It'll probably always be a little awkward. I've learnt to ignore the slightly pitying smiles and 'how are you' I get from acquaintances. Close friends can see we've made it through and are finally happy and they're more normal round us.

If you act normal and relaxed your friend will be able to as well.

DaleyBump Thu 22-Aug-13 02:53:37

De-lurking to ask if you've heard anything OP?

Seenenoughtoknow Wed 21-Aug-13 22:54:18

I've been reading this whole thread with interest OP as I had to do a similar thing about a year ago. I did it with a heavy heart, but my reasoning was that if the situation were reversed I would want to know. My friend stayed with her husband, and our friendship suffered awfully, but it is getting better with time, and her husband speaks to me again now.
It was the hardest thing I ever had to do OP, and the ONLY thing that gave me any comfort was my husband telling me that I had done the right thing. My friend was being made a fool of, and thankfully that was stopped. I knew our friendship would suffer when I told her, but like you I decided she had a right to know.

SelectAUserName Wed 21-Aug-13 11:41:56

Thanks again everyone. Haven't heard from my friend since last night's text but I suspect, sadly, that she's got bigger fish to fry.

I really do appreciate your words of support. I just hope she has some RL equivalents closer to home who she can turn to if he has turned out to be a cheating arse.

OctopusPete8 Wed 21-Aug-13 10:47:29

Oh dear, but you have done the right thing.

Tortoisegirl Wed 21-Aug-13 10:33:03

You have done the right thing! I was the last person to find out my exH was seeing his exGF. Everybody, including his family, all knew so I not only had to deal with him leaving, but also had the humiliation of everyone knowing already. Not something I would want anyone else to go through!

AnyFucker Wed 21-Aug-13 09:41:30

How are things, OP ?

I think you did the right thing. I would want to know, for sure.

As long as you make it clear that whatever your friend does with the information is entirely up to her, you have no expectations whatsoever, will not judge and will support her whatever she decides to do with it.

jaabaar Wed 21-Aug-13 09:17:56

What a precious friend you are! Be by her side with a listening ear, but im sure u would do that anyway.

Morning op. I feel so sorry for you and her. Please keep telling yourself that you did nothing wrong. He did. You were brave and honest. I think the fact that friend replied so quickly shows she feels that too.

LadyHarrietdeSpook Wed 21-Aug-13 04:43:08

It's just a horrible feeling knowing I'm the one who has burst her happy bubble. I do know it's her sleazy 'D'H who is in the wrong here, but I still don't feel great. You did a brave thing, and chose not to think of yourself and your discomfort but what was in her interests. You could have just left it, but you followed your conscience. Right thing to do!

It occurred to me that I could have messaged the person who uploaded the photos to FB in the first place and asked her about them/his behaviour on the night but I didn't think of that beforehand and now it would feel like gossiping, or at least fishing for gossip, so I think I'll leave it. Agree don't do this. They probably wouldn't have told you anything anyway, would have just panicked and taken the pics down. Possibly told her DH too, etc etc.

Thinking of you and your friend!

mirai Wed 21-Aug-13 04:22:39

Your poor friend. I definitely think you did the right thing, I am a bit hmm at people saying "but there's no proof", in my world a photo of them kissing is proof enough! At least your friend has a good friend in you. wine

internationallove985 Tue 20-Aug-13 23:52:21

Reasons to tell her
If you don't you may feel somewhat guilty for keeping it from her
she deserves to know
If she finds out that you knew and you didn't tell her what would that do to your freindship
As another poster said if it were her D.H she'd want to know
If you don't tell her someone else will

Reasons not to tell her
If you do and they split up would your friend blame you in someway
Do they have D.C
Is there any chance at all they have an open relationship. They are more common than people think.

I suppose in her case some would say "Ignorance is bliss and in your case. A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. xx

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