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not to invite my uncle to my mother's surprise party

(40 Posts)
HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Tue 20-Aug-13 13:49:20

I'm planning a surprise party for a big event for my mum and am putting together the guestlist at the moment and have hit a bit of a stumbling block. Her brother.

He and I have never got on, even when I was young, but I was happy to host him in my house when he needed somewhere to stay about 8 years ago. He caused quite a bit of trouble for me over that and in the end I lost my temper and told him to stick it - not my finest hour, but he really had gone to town to cause drama for me.

A few years ago we were having a family Christmas shindig at mine and I invited him, thinking it the right thing to do and that the past was all water under the bridge. He declined and in his email told me that I was a despicable person, that I rode roughshod over other's feelings, that I was awful to my mother, that the whole family was scared of me and that he wouldn't stand for it (I hadn't had any contact with him for four or five years at this point). I wasn't doing well at the time and this pushed my MH into crisis. I remember being at the doctor not long after receiving this email from him and them taking 2 hours to decide whether to let me go home or not.

Anyway, I haven't seen him since and have no want to see him at all. But I know the right thing to do would be to invite him to my mum's surprise party (it's doubtful he'll turn up, he's generally rude and selfish when it comes to family things) but I don't really want him there - and I'm organising and paying it.

WIBU not to invite him or do I have to suck it up?

glossyflower Wed 21-Aug-13 21:04:25

Well in that case I wouldn't bother with her party and let them all get on with bitching about how unreasonable you are grin

Take care and protect yourself from negative people as much as you can. Xxx

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Wed 21-Aug-13 20:38:47

Yes they know as uncle cuntface copied them in on said emails at the time and I suspect a lot of the vitriol is from my mother slagging me off as she tends to do that about me and my sisters to whoever will listen

I think we think the same way about family - you don't accommodate just because of "family", only good people are allowed in my family circle.

DH is furious, which is oddly comforting.

glossyflower Wed 21-Aug-13 20:35:36

*care not are!

glossyflower Wed 21-Aug-13 20:34:49

Oh dear. I'm sending you lots of hugs.
Does your mum and dad know what your twat face uncle has said to you in your emails?
Family dynamics are often complicated, and obvious rules do not always apply.
Unfortunately some people think that they have to accommodate their family no matter how shitty they are, I think the opposite, and just want to surround myself with the family and friends who love and are about me, those who don't have no room in my life.
Try not to let this man get to you, I know it's not easy, but the best way to go about it is to empower yourself that he can't get to you anymore. Xxx

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Wed 21-Aug-13 20:24:01

Have been told by my father I have to invite him. I think I won't contribute to the cost and probably won't go. Just re-read the mail he sent to me last time. Feel like crap. Also feel like crap because if anyone acted like that towards any of my family I'd not include them in my life again. It's like my feelings don't matter for the sake of "family" - which should be defined by fucking behaviour not genetics.

Dackyduddles Wed 21-Aug-13 07:39:30

Blimey by time I wrote others also thought you shouldn't invite him so actually I agree! How funny! Have a good party.

Dackyduddles Wed 21-Aug-13 07:37:24

Op,
I DISAGREE. Put loudly so you hear me.

DM loves him. Obvious is to invite him for her. However if you are host and you are paying then in this situation I feel it is a gift to your mum so in order for gift to be fun he shouldn't be invited. He will turn it into a show for him. We both know that.

If asked I would also be clear as to why. I'm afraid you have to be for others to understand. It's the pay off for not having him there.

wigglesrock Germany Tue 20-Aug-13 21:47:14

See I was going to say invite him because I assumed it was a birthday party and he is part of her family and they still see each other occasionally, but it's not a birthday party, christening type family thing, so I actually think No, don't bother. It would be different if they were in each others houses every week.

facedontfit Tue 20-Aug-13 21:33:34

It's simple, don't invite him.

sparklingstars Tue 20-Aug-13 21:33:10

If he and your mother get on then you should invite him. He's her brother and it is her party and not yours, you just need to rise above it no matter how hard it is.

MikeOxard Tue 20-Aug-13 21:27:35

I don't know your mum, but if my dbro had had that effect on the MH of my child, I wouldn't want to see him. Your mental health is everything - if you lose that, you can lose everything you have. I wouldn't risk mine for a shit of an uncle that I hated anyway.

I wouldn't invite him, I don't see that any good can come of inviting him, but I can see a lot of things he could fuck up if he was invited, why extend him that opportunity. x

primroseyellow Tue 20-Aug-13 20:36:17

I would not invite him. If he wants to celebrate he can take your mother out for a meal on another occasion. If people are rude and obnoxious to someone they should suffer the consequences - or they have in effect got away with it. Don't jeopardise your own health and well-being. IMO it would be very unwise to invite him on the assumption he probably won't turn up, why risk it?

VegasIsBest Tue 20-Aug-13 20:30:15

Don't invite him. Enjoy the party with your mum and other friends and family. Your mum can arrange to see him separately if she wants to. No point making yourself miserable over this.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 20-Aug-13 20:24:24

Hotel, how much easier life would be if what we wanted to do and what we had to do were the same. Look on the bright sides: he might not come and even if he does you are so much more resilient and mature now. Hey maybe at the end of the party you might cheerfully wave him off with a delightfully cheery "Bye Uncle Cuntface".grin

ratbagcatbag Tue 20-Aug-13 19:27:26

Seriously, don't invite him. It's not worth this stress.

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Tue 20-Aug-13 19:08:20

I'm footing a chunk of it.

lovestogarden Tue 20-Aug-13 19:01:14

There's nothing worse than going to loads of bother for someone else and having the shittiest time.

I wouldn't invite him and make sure that your mum (and anyone else) knows exactly why (no drama, just the facts). I assume you are footing the bill?

jasmine3663 Tue 20-Aug-13 18:55:58

Don't invite him; you don't need the stress.

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Tue 20-Aug-13 18:50:22

Ha -DH is the mildest mannered man around!

I kind of feel that I do behave, I invited him to my home, and he's the one who responds with vitriol and hate so he's the one who can't behave. I wouldn't trust him not to cause a scene or ambush me and then blame me when I got upset with him.

I really have to suck it up though. And try not to call him uncle cuntface to his face.

lovestogarden Tue 20-Aug-13 18:36:50

Is your DP scary? Can he call and tell him to behave or else? That's what I would do (I am a wuss when it comes to me but would happily make the call for you in my toughest weegie accent!).

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Tue 20-Aug-13 18:13:07

Yes I know what I should do, it just doesn't fit with what I want to do.

It's to celebrate a position she has got - a really big deal - which happened some months back and he hasn't been in touch to congratulate her, though we know he has been told. He wasn't invited to her big birthday a few years ago and she didn't mind.

I'm clutching at straws, aren't I. I hope that if the invite is from me he'll refuse it, and being more resilient this time I will tell him exactly where to stick it if he's rude.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 20-Aug-13 16:32:04

You are having this party for your mum. OP, you know what you should do.

I don't speak to my mum/late father but we are both invited regularly to family events. Generally we just avoid each other - I think both parties don't want to embarrass other family members or make our disagreements spill over on to others.

I'd say invite, but ask a trusted friend/family member to act as wrangler and ensure seating plans etc. don't put you together. It's your mum's birthday so her party - if he doesn't turn up, that's fine, but you've done the right thing.

Sorry but I would not invite him - no way would i include someone in a function i was organising and paying for who had been that vile to me in emails.

If he can't behave nicely within the family dynamic then sod him.

xuntitledx Tue 20-Aug-13 16:22:38

Hmm, we have a person like this in my family and I feel obliged to invite them to any party or event that we hold but we've been lucky and they haven't ever turned up!

We invite said person because it would upset other family members if we were to deliberately exclude them so whilst it's super annoying and would be even more so if they actually turned up as we're paying for them(!), I'd rather take the higher ground and just suck it up.

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