To not let this boy in my garden?

[strokey]

We live on a really nice estate with a green area just outside our house.

We have a large back garden with playground toys and other children often come into the garden to play with my children, there can be up to fifteen of them at one time

Last week there was an older boy that I didn't recognise who kept spitting (on the ground, not at the other children) I told him to stop, then I saw him doing it again and told him that he would have to go if he did it again, and that it was disgusting. So he does it again, and I told him to go. He called me a fat cunt (not too offensive Im a size 8)

The next day more children come around bit by bit. I kept the back gate locked so they had to knock on the door to come through the house. When this boy turned up again I said he couldn't come in because he was rude.

Most of them are around 5-6-7-8 (mine are 5 and 8) this boy is about 11, the other kids his age don't come in the garden, they stay out with their bikes and are allowed further away then just the green area outside.

Bit later a woman comes round, says she is his mum and he is really upset that hes being left out of the water fight. I explained why, and also said that it was only primary school kids in the garden, none of the older kids come in, and the boys of his age were still outside the communal area.
She said he has got ADHD or ASD (I dont know which) and prefers being with the little ones. I was going to say no sorry, he isn't coming in after that language, but as soon as she mentioned the special needs bit I got worried and caved and said he could come in. She said thanks and that it was horrible to see your child being left out and went off. I think its horrible to be called a cunt in your own garden by someone elses child, but I was too much of a wuss to say so.

By that point the kids were getting over excited with the water sprinkler and the garden was waterlogged, so I took the guns away and turned off the sprinkler. As I was putting it in the garage he followed me and grabbed one end of the hose and wouldn't let go cos he said he hadn't had a turn, I got it from him and rolled it up and put it away, by the time I got back to the garden he had the garden tap on and was flinging buckets of water around. I turned the tap off and he goes over to the sand and starts throwing it manically. He wasn't shouting but was totally out of control and carried on throwing the sand even though I kept saying stop.

I didn't want to chuck just him out so I said they all had to go home now. Yesterday we were out all day, but today they are back here. The boy hasn't turned up yet, but Im waiting for him to and Im just worried about what to say to his mother. She seemed very reasonable and I feel sorry for her, but am not prepared to have him over again. Just wonder if you think IABU. Gosh, sorry its so long

[pianodoodle]

I'd have just said "I understand how you feel but unfortunately I don't want my own children exposed to that language in their own home"

[Sanctimummy]

You gave him a second chance more than I would have done, and his mother a chance to tell him what behaviour was not acceptable. Do not let him in again. If she comes again just relay what happened the last time and that there are no more chances.
YANBU.

[primallass]

YANBU. You were in fact very kind to let him back in after the fat cunt comment.

[Rowanred]

I would not let him in again either. It doesn't sound safe for the other children too. I would tell the mum that you have tried twice and you are sorry but you can't cope with his behaviour.

[Famzilla]

YANBU.

You are not a free childminder and I'm shocked this woman thinks her son should be allowed to insult and intimidate you in your own home.

[Justforlaughs]

YANBU, I know that he has some kind of special needs, but I'm sorry - it isn't a "get out of jail free" card. I think that if she wants him to come in and play at the very least she should offer to stay and help supervise him. It is still your house - your choice, but in no way is it your responsibility to parent this boy.

[TheToysAreALIVEITellThee]

Yanbu. My kids would probably try and copy the cooler older kid as they are like sponges but too young to understand why someone else might be 'misbehaving' iyswim so I wouldn't

[CalamityJones]

YANBU at all but what exactly did you say to the mum? If you said 'he wasn't allowed in because he was rude' that's of course totally fine, it's your house, but she may have thought the language etc was rather more mild? This is in response to Famzilla's point, really - she may not have quite realised her son was being insulting and intimidating rather than rude.

[eatyouwithaspoon]

I would have told her what he said tbh. its your garden, perhaps she could come round with him and supervise for an hour if you didnt mind? I am a bit two strikes and your out myself.

[SilverApples]

My DS has AS, it's a reason for some of his behaviour, not an excuse.
So it was kind of you to give him a second chance, but the mother should have stayed to supervise him and manage his behaviour.
She knows how to defuse him best, what sanctions work and when he's had enough far better than you do.
She was wrong to walk away, he couldn't cope and so YANBU.

[hermioneweasley]

Of course YANBU

[racmun]

YANBU I think the mother has an absolute liberty, at the very least she should have asked if she could stay to supervise her son. Why should you put up with that sort of behaviour in your own home?

At the end of the day he may like hanging around the younger children, but that isn't really your concern. Why should they be subjected to an unruly 11 year old's behaviour regardless of the reason.

Also regardless of special needs how does an 11 year old know the 'c' word? Let alone the context in which to use it.

Stand your ground this time.

[5Foot5]

YANBU.

If his Mum asks again just tell her that you cannot tolerate that behaviour and bad language around your young children.

I suppose it must be hard for his Mum but if she wants him to have people to play with why doesn't she invite the children in to her garden and referee it herself?

[LumpySpace]

YANBU it's your garden not a public playground so you get to set the rules.

[Nanny0gg]

The only possible option for him to play in your garden (and TBH I'd be wary of having quite so many children at once anyway unless you are supervising) is for his mum to stay.

Is that possible that you invite her for coffee and you both watch? Then she can intervene if before it gets out of hand.

Sounds like she needs a friendly face on the estate.

[SilverApples]

'Must be bloody awful to have a child like that, he was more trouble than the rest put together'

It can be hard work at times, which is why I would have leapt at the chance to have my DS involved in something like that, with me ready to intervene.
Many children on the spectrum function at 2/3 of their chronological age emotionally. So a 12 year old can cope like an 8 year old, and why they sometimes relate to younger children.
But you did a good thing OP, the majority wouldn't have given him a second chance.

[Sconset]

it is hard to have a child like that!
When they get overwhelmed they act out, and are out of control, but it isnt naughtiness (not so sure about the insults though!)
My dd has difficulties, and whilst I may have asked that you included her, I would have stayed to guarantee a) she's ok, b) she's not upsetting/overstepping boundaries of the younger ones, in particular the actual residents!

[softlysoftly]

Does AS cause you to be unable to learn "fat cunt" isn't appropriate? Genuine question!

YANBU if she knows his behaviour is an issue she needs to be supervising him not just using it as an excuse. Don't let him in.

You are a saint insane having so many kids in at all!

[Wowserz129]

Don't let him in or it will be a slippery slope!

[saintlyjimjams]

Must be bloody awful to have a child like that, he was more trouble than the rest put together

Child like what out of interest?

Your garden so your rules. If his mum comes around tell her exactly what happened. It sounds as if he needs support to be able to play with other kids and it's not really your to provide it.

[Sconset]

Or... what silverapples said!

[BrokenSunglasses]

YANBU.

You were more than generous and understanding when ou let him back in the first time.

If the mum approaches you again, you either have to say no or if you are feeling particularly charitable, you could invite her in at the same time so that she can deal with any behaviour problems.

[DidoTheDodo]

YANBU.
You sound very very kind and thoughtful and have done far more than most other people (including me) would have done. No way would I have 15 children in my back garden. You are not a nursery school and to be responsible for that number of little ones sounds an onerous duty to me.
I would limit numbers generally and not allow this larger boy in at all. And don't feel guilty. His mum should be blushing at her own cheek!

[YouStayClassySanDiego]

Mother might have looked worn out and was sweet but still, he was difficult, rude to you and she didn't give a monkeys.

I wonder where he had heard fat cunt to say it to you?

I personally would have been on the gin with 15 kids in my garden, my limit is 7.