AIBU about DH or do I need to just suck it up?

(115 Posts)
Morebirthdayblues Tue 20-Aug-13 10:15:12

Before I start I know this isn't a massive problem in the grand scheme of thing and a lot of people are going through a lot worse, but I'm really annoyed by this.

DH has always been notoriously crap at buying gifts, and last year for my 30th I got nothing, we were busy starting our own business and he said he didn't have the time or money to get me anything. I was so upset we had a massive row, and he vowed to do better.

When I had DS after a two day very traumatic labour he left the hospital to get me something, and came back with a box of strawberries! And not even a card to say well done, or I'm proud of you.

These have both really annoyed me and I'm not looking for a massive present, I'd rather he spent a tenner and picked something out for me.

Fast forward to my birthday this year and I stupidly thought he might buck himself up this time. A few days before my birthday he said he had thought we could go into town for something to eat and to the cinema and pick my present, he never organised a babysitter or tried to sort this and at short notice we had no one to ask.

When the day of my birthday came he never said happy birthday in the morning or even mentioned it when we spoke on the phone during the day, when he got home from and seen cupcakes on the table the penny dropped. He dashed out with DS to the local garage to buy a card, when he came back with it I refused to take them, he had basically forgot.

This is really pissing me off as it happens time and time again, and every time I pull him about it he get all upset with himself and is on the verge of tears, which pisses me off as it as if have to feel sorry for him.

He says he really tries but is just crap at things like that, and would rather I picked my present myself as hes afraid of getting the wrong thing. He has spoiled every big occasion for me. Our engagement was awful, he just handed me the box with the ring in it, he spoiled our wedding day by getting drunk and having a good time with his mates, he was too drunk to DTD and basically fell asleep during it. Our honeymoon was in an idyllic place over valentines day and he didn't even get me a card, or do anything special and wouldn't fork out for a meal on the beach as we were all inclusive and he didn't want to spend the extra money.

I don't want to come across as if I need big grand gestures, but something would be nice. He's great otherwise, he's an unreal father to our DS and does his fair share of housework, I'm 8 weeks pregnant at the minute and very sick and he is doing everything to help me out.

So AIBU in being upset over his behaviour on these occasions, as I feel he isn't showing any thought for me, or should I be thankful he's a great husband and father otherwise and just accept that he's crap at this type of thing?

RobotHamster Tue 20-Aug-13 10:19:14

I have a DP like this, its really upsetting. He just says he's crap at buying presents... Its bull - he just doesn't put any thought into it at all. I'm not grabby, I don't expect massive expensive presents, but I do expect him to give my birthday a few minutes thought and consideration, even if it involves a card made by DS and some flowers or something.

I'm really tempted to ignore his birthday this year, but I don't think I can actually do it.

elah11 Tue 20-Aug-13 10:20:21

Nope he is just being lazy and selfish. Its not difficult to buy a card in time and say happy birthday, and thats the least you should expect. I dont expect grand gestures either but I do expect my dh to acknowledge special occasions and show me that he loves and appreciates me, that does not have to involve spending lots (or even any!) money, and he does. I would be gutted if he forgot my birthday because to me that would be a sign of disrespect and disinterest. Out of interest do you remember his birthday etc and what does he expect on his one?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Tue 20-Aug-13 10:21:48

YANBU. But I will give you some advice...my DH was the same...the way I "fixed" it was to remind him daily from two weeks in advance and I also have a wish list on various websites...he knows that he hAS to choose me something and order it in time or I get the shits BIG style.

I know some people say "oh why make all the effort..he should remember" but he just seems to not have the ability to remember on his own...he doesn't remember his Mums either....so I remind and remind and give him choices of stuff I will like....I still get a surprise as he picks something out himself from my selection.

I have also told him a few shops where he can't go wrong....I like Cath Kidston...if he goes in there he won't choose the wrong thing....same with Orla Kiely...I like her stuff. I suggest you do the same as me.

BeCool Tue 20-Aug-13 10:24:44

set up a wish list on amazon (I think you can link things you like elsewhere into it too) or NOTHS or somewhere. Make sure he knows how to access it.

If things still don't improve, at least you know 100% he simply does't give a shit.

Morebirthdayblues Tue 20-Aug-13 10:25:25

Yes I always remember his birthday, and always get him good presents. I just couldn't ignore his because he's crap at mine it's just not my nature and would end up upsetting me more I think.

He never wants anything though and always tries to get me to leave his stuff back as he feels bad about what he does to me each time.

He is always on about buying me an eternity ring but says he never has the money but I just wish he'd buy something be it only a tenner and I've told home that till I'm blue in the face.

RobotHamster Tue 20-Aug-13 10:26:09

I refuse to baby DP and remind him about my birthday. He's got an iPhone, and has it in the calendar. He never forgets his family's birthdays, never misses a meeting at work because he 'forgets', so he can bloody well remember mine without prompting.

Morebirthdayblues Tue 20-Aug-13 10:29:00

neo and becool already tried that I'm afraid, I wanted a Michael Kors watch or a pair of sunglasses this year, I even showed him both and told him they were in local shops.

He said he was taking me to buy the watch as I had to pick it, he knew it was "Michael something" but wasn't sure what colour I wanted. I have one already and he knows that so all he had to do was check the name on the face of it FFS!!

Sanctimummy Tue 20-Aug-13 10:29:29

It is kinda lazy. I mean sure people forget stuff but in that case he could easily set an alarm on his phone a year in advance to remind him a couple days before your birthday!

Wish list and daily reminders are a great idea.

HeathRobinson Tue 20-Aug-13 10:30:38

I'm afraid I would 'forget' my dh's birthday too, in this situation.

livinginwonderland Tue 20-Aug-13 10:32:32

I think forgetting is a bullshit excuse for things like this. The people who "forget" their DP's birthdays never forget important work meetings or to pay their phone bill or anything like that. It's just laziness.

Even if you genuinely have a bad memory, if the occasion is important, you'll make the effort to remember (phone reminders, notes on your desk at work, whatever) so you remember and so you make your partner happy.

Morebirthdayblues Tue 20-Aug-13 10:33:41

I knew he had forgot it this time hamster so wasn't going to remind him, I'm just sorry I left the cupcakes out cos I would love to have seen how long it would have taken him to remember.

He remembered the day before but forgot on the actual day which says to me he really doesn't give a shit.

We had a row last wk about his lack of thought for me, he left me at a wedding to go off with his mates to another part of the hotel, I was very sick and stuck with his friends drunk wives trying to hide the fact I wasn't drinking and he didn't come near me for 3 hours. I was seriously pissed off, then he still does this a week later!!

I think he doesn't care, he says he's forgetful!

RobotHamster Tue 20-Aug-13 10:34:38

How do you do a daily reminder without appearing grabby?

I disagree that its a good idea. Totally lets them off the hook - then they don't need to remember,don't have to think of a present.. you may as well buy your own card and present and leave them out of the equation entirely.

It misses the point. I get upset because DP doesnt put any thought or consideration into my birthday. Constantly reminding him when it is, and pointing him towards wish lists takes just makes it meaningless

Morebirthdayblues Tue 20-Aug-13 10:37:16

It really wouldn't bother him if I 'forgot' heath he says he deserves nothing for what he does to me each time. I genuinely think he feels bad but he never actually does anything about it.

His behaviour on the big occasions is really starting to make me resent him, it's so strange because he's so good inside the house, but a total twat with everything else!

RobotHamster Tue 20-Aug-13 10:39:15

Sorry... Ranting slightly there.

I know how you feel. I think he doesn't care, he says he doesn't realise or forgets. It sucks sad

He actually ruined my birthday this year. He had remembered it but was pissed by the time I got home. He said he'd sort 'sonething nice' for dinner,nothing happened and I ended up eating beans on toast. Was 7w pg too and felt terrible, and expected a bit of special treatment (stupid me) and he just didn't understand.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Tue 20-Aug-13 10:42:17

How long have you been together? It's taken my DH 6 years to get with the picture...we've been a couple for ten...and for the last 4 he's got the idea.

BonaDea Tue 20-Aug-13 10:42:31

My DH is like this too. It has got to the stage that for things like valentines or our anniversary (where we both have to buy cards) I am embarrassed to hand mine over because I'll look like such a reject to get nothing back.

One of my bridesmaids hounded him to get me a wedding gift which he did but didn't do a card. A card with some lovely words in would have meant more. It was our first anniversary this year and our DS was just 3 months old - I got nothing not even a card even tho he knew.

I have started just picking out gifts for myself and telling him. Yes I'd rather have something he'd picked or organised but this way at least he has the option! Also, the gifts I pick are way more than I would otherwise expect - sort of an incentive to get on and do it himself! That probably sounds cynical or grabby but I really think there is no excuse for a 40 year old not to pull the finger out.

Op you have my sympathy!!

Morebirthdayblues Tue 20-Aug-13 10:45:46

I think being pg has a lot to do with it robot he knows I'm having a really bad time of it and I just wanted something to cheer me up, instead I'm left feeling so upset and sick on top of it!

He has suggested going out is weekend to get my present/meal/cinema but I'm not mentioning it again, it's up to him to organise a babysitter and he knows my mum would do it and only has to ask.

I really don't even want a present now though, it would mean absolutely nothing to me, the easy part is handing over the money while I do all the rest.

My cards form him and DS are still sitting unopened and I've a good mind to bin them, but feel bad - WTF is wrong with me!!

RobotHamster Tue 20-Aug-13 10:46:06

Well, we've been together almost 9 years and he's got worse,not better.

JacqueslePeacock Tue 20-Aug-13 10:46:26

This is starting to seem its not so much about birthdays and a much more general pattern of real lack of thought for you.

RobotHamster Tue 20-Aug-13 10:47:31

God, I just feel like sobbing now.. it just makes you feel like a fucking afterthought.

I remember one year he'd forgotten and rushed out to get flowers - came back with some dead tulips sad

Ugh.

RobotHamster Tue 20-Aug-13 10:47:58

Sorry,OP -am taking over your thread slightly

NoComet Tue 20-Aug-13 10:48:44

YANBU, DH is crap at birthdays too.

Brilliant at Christmas decorations and food, but again not gifts.

He just gets really nervous about buying the right thing and somehow it falls off his to do list. He's not one for flowers or organsing meals out either.

Very odd as he is the most organised person in the planet for work and the technical side of holidays and DIY projects.

He is also really thoughtful and considerate in little day to day things

Still, after 25 years, drives me mad that he can organise obscure blow up santa bulbs from a fair ground supplier or fish tank bits cheap from China, but he can't order a present for me without me telling him exactly what I want, to the point I might as well do it myself (joint account and I'm a SAHM, so money doesnt come into it)

The only time he is any use is if I want geek, digital picture frames and Dab radio's he did brilliantly. Anything else be is hopeless.

This year, I think I might get the DDs (12&15) to organise him.

Nanny0gg Tue 20-Aug-13 10:50:00

Nothing is wrong with you.

And binning them is a good idea. Preferably in front of him.

Morebirthdayblues Tue 20-Aug-13 10:51:25

11 years neo so plenty of time!!

Bona DH never for me anything on our wedding day either, I gave him a card and wrote a lovely poem in it and gave it to him a few days before to be opened on the wedding morning and he still never done anything in return.

I very nearly picked a very expensive eternity ring out a while back and was going to ensure he got it for me, but we're building a house at the moment and I know we need that money elsewhere, so didn't in the end.

But I might just go ahead and get it made and tell DH he has 7 months to save for it and expect it when DC2 is born!!

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