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To expect my partner to come to parties with me?

(156 Posts)
atrcts Tue 20-Aug-13 00:03:35

My husband has begun declining invites to social/family events that he is not interested in.

They are always relating to someone in my life, my friend, my family - last week it was with our son attending a friends birthday party, where everyone else's Dad was there, our son's wasn't, and this week it was my Mum's birthday party but he didn't join me at the family gathering.

His reasons are; last week he just didn't want to go as it was during the day and he said it didn't interest him, e had better ways to spend his day than at a child's party, and that the child's Mum is my friend, not his.

This week he was attending AA (he's an alcoholic) and keeps saying he's not struggling with drink at present but chose to go here instead of to my family party because that's what he does on the same night of the week and didn't want to change it. He could have gone a different night though (they're run every day of the week) and there was no booze at the party as my Mum is also teetotal, so it wouldn't have been a temptation.

I'm feeling like he's increasingly being selfish about not attending anything that just doesn't suit him, which always seems to be anything to do with me!

I am always going to events that he organises though, out of support for him, even of it doesn't interest me.

Am I being unreasonable to look for some of that in return?

cafecito Thu 22-Aug-13 00:54:10

I agree with FredFred and sooty

differentnameforthis Thu 22-Aug-13 14:25:21

He's newly sober. He has not long started attending meetings.

Perhaps he needs to learn who he is without the alcohol to prop him up? He may feel that he cannot do this socially with friends/your family.

No matter how familiar he is with friends & your family, perhaps he doesn't feel now is a good time to be working out who he is in front of them (especially at a children's party). Being social at home, he is still in his comfort zone, can retreat if needs to, probably can do this in his parents house too, not so much in his in laws or in public.

Some one touched on him drinking at social occasions without your knowing, which is entirely possible, most (all) alcoholics hide their drink. So perhaps socially, it is just too hard/too triggering for him at the moment.

GladbagsGold Thu 22-Aug-13 14:36:00

I think if he can manage to cope with his family social events, its pretty poor that he doesn't go to other events. I'd be pissed off, taking a new baby and a small child to a BBQ full of families and my DH not there because he said he 'has better ways to spend his time'.

differentnameforthis Thu 22-Aug-13 14:39:31

I think if he can manage to cope with his family social events, its pretty poor that he doesn't go to other events.

I don't. Equate it to being ill. I can happily be with my family when ill, but I don't want to be with dh's.

It's a level of comfort.

Also, op, perhaps he doesn't want to go as doesn't want to be questioned about his sobriety, perhaps he will feel judged, talk about.

We can sit here & guess until the 12th of never, but you will never know unless you talk to him.

differentnameforthis Thu 22-Aug-13 14:41:26

I'd be pissed off, taking a new baby and a small child to a BBQ full of families and my DH not there because he said he 'has better ways to spend his time'.

I've done it. Several times, for various reasons. I can't say that it bothers me to be honest.

Parents have coped with babies & small children for years, parents do it the world over. Sometimes the older one gets left a little while when mum or dad has to deal with nappies etc, but it really isn't the end of the world.

manfalou Thu 22-Aug-13 14:47:41

I would encourage him to the AA meetings... every night of the week if needs be! Making such a massive change in his life with regards to alcohol is bound to make changes elsewhere too.

My Mother died from alcoholism, she never admitted it so maybe give a little slack until he is totally out of it himself... he's doing really well!

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