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to think a parent should offer to pay for damage their child has done?

(38 Posts)
ballstoit Mon 19-Aug-13 22:40:26

A friend visited yesterday with her DC. While my friend and I were washing up, friend's ds (10), damaged something in my living room. Don't want to say what exactly, in case of being outed, but something like ripping off wallpaper. Wasn't an accident and he has no special needs that I know of.

Friend was mortified, and left shortly afterwards. She didn't offer to repair or pay for replacement, and I haven't heard from her since.

AIBU to expect her to offer to pay? Doubt I actually accept or charge full costs (would be £100+), but surely the offer should be made.

I would have offered (but then again, my little angels would never have done anything like that wink)
Note the sarcasm!

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 19-Aug-13 22:44:25

Yanbu.

Friend is not behaving well.

Yonihadtoask Mon 19-Aug-13 22:45:41

YANBU.

Of course she should have offered to make amends of some sort. Did she apologise even? Did her DS apologise? At 10 he is certainly old enough to understand that there would be repercussions.

How odd.

everlong Mon 19-Aug-13 22:48:07

Yes in that situation I would be mortified and offer to pay for the damage.

Maybe she's skint and can't offer?

ballstoit Mon 19-Aug-13 22:49:25

She apologised, but her DS didn't, and she didn't ask him to.

My DC are far from angels, although I hope they wouldn't do this, but I'm pretty sure that I would make the offer.

BlehPukeVomit Mon 19-Aug-13 22:50:06

They should have offered to pay.

I think it would be ok for you to ask them to contribute to the cost. Price up how much it would cost to repair or replace and let them know. If you don't feel comfortable you could offer to 'go halves'. Don't apologise for asking her to pay.

She probably knows she should have offered but is hoping you will be too embarrassed to say anything.

I would find it awkward but I would still ask.

FloweryOwl Mon 19-Aug-13 22:50:28

YANBU. I have a friend with three DC, when they come round something gets broken every single time. And it's deliberate which makes it much more annoying and I've never been offered a replacement, its a struggle to get an apology from the children. Usually they break my DCs toys, pull dolls hair out, car wheels off things like that. Drives me crazy.

Yes she should have offered.

ballstoit Mon 19-Aug-13 22:50:58

She is skint, and I doubt I'd accept the offer. But I think I would feel less hacked off now if it had been made.

YANBU. I'd have been mortified and offered to pay. Then I'd have made DS sell his Xbox to pay for it. My wrath would be legendary.

LazyMonkeyButler Mon 19-Aug-13 22:51:46

Gosh, yes, of course she should have offered! And made her DS apologise personally. How rude!

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Mon 19-Aug-13 22:52:01

Yes I'd be mortified if one of my dc's did this and I'd definitely offer to contribute towards a repair.

fieldfare Mon 19-Aug-13 22:53:10

She should definitely offer to pay and should have got him to apologise too.

everlong Mon 19-Aug-13 22:53:13

She probably feels awful. She's skint so presumably couldn't offer to pay.

BlehPukeVomit Mon 19-Aug-13 22:53:29

If she is skint you could offer to go halves AND for her to pay by instalment.

I wouldn't invite her over again either. grin

ballstoit Mon 19-Aug-13 22:56:02

I will be meeting her outside of my house in future I think, or without the DC.

I would be very uncomfortable asking for money from her, and think that would end the friendship sad

yoniwherethesundontshine Mon 19-Aug-13 22:58:45

I think as she is skint the important thing here is that she did obviously feel bad.

Maybe she did panic and want to offer to pay for the damager but literally wouldn't be able to feed the dc if she did...or had to make other cut backs...

I have known quite a few dc to ruin my dc toys, the DM has seen it or watched it even and not batted an eye lid, or, been quite casual about it. Same with their DC physically and deliberately hurting my DC. Not batted an eye lid.

So for me, just that she felt bad would have been some salve for me!

ReallyTired Mon 19-Aug-13 23:04:02

"She is skint, and I doubt I'd accept the offer. But I think I would feel less hacked off now if it had been made."

Friendship has to go both ways. If her child trashes your decoration then she should find a way of making amends. If she is short of money then prehaps some of the ten year old's toys could be sold to pay towards the damage. The ten year old sounds throughly spoilt and needs to be taught a lesson.

Lack of money is not an excuse for poor behaviour or frankly bad parenting.

BlehPukeVomit Mon 19-Aug-13 23:11:42

So...

What happens if she goes and buys something non essential next week (or whenever...) Will you be thinking to yourself that she should have used the money to pay you back or will you genuinely be able to 'forget' about the damage her son has deliberately done to your property.?????

It might be best for your friendship if you are honest with her by nicely telling her that you thought she should offer to pay for the damage her son did.

Is the damage something she could help you repair/paint/clean? Perhaps you could ask her to come over to help sort it out???

MintyChops Mon 19-Aug-13 23:13:22

She should definitely have offered to pay, so rude and very frustrating for you.

Skint and embarrassed I'd say.

DeWe Mon 19-Aug-13 23:40:31

I know it would have been nice for her to offer to pay (and I would myself).
But if she hasn't the money, then offering it, knowing you would refuse because she can't afford it, or knowing that if you accept she would have to say "sorry I can't afford it" seems empty to me.

I think I'd feel more irritated by someone who offered to pay knowing that they wouldn't be able to.

EldritchCleavage Mon 19-Aug-13 23:47:12

But if she is really skint then she could at least write a note to say she simply can't afford to pay for it but is desperately sorry.

AaDB Mon 19-Aug-13 23:48:34

She may be so morto that she just wanted out of there so she could bollock her lo properly.

She may also be so broke that she can't afford a polite offer to pay to fix the damage.

If she is your good friend, I'd pay but would chat to her before the next visit. I would state what a pita this is and that you cannot afford to pay for any further damage. I'd then call bygones. If it happened again I'd never meet at my house with her DC in tow.

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