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Or is DH. Regarding bed time routine with DTs

(118 Posts)
wickerbasketcase Mon 19-Aug-13 20:31:26

My twins are 12 weeks. We've established a routine of bath feed bed that starts around 6.30and takes usually an hour but often longer if they won't settle. It's improving with consistency,and now both are waking less at night and stretching out time between feeds. DH had an unavoidable meeting tonight where he had to attend to give a presentation. Totally fair enough as he's the wage earner right now. However, routine has gone to hell and I've been up and down the stairs umpteen times. DTs are now back down with me in front of Eastenders until DH gets home. The thing is, he now wants to go to football training every Tues night from 7-9. He already does footie all day on a Saturday, often playing at away matches a few hours away. I think all our progress will get undone as I can't manage bedtime for DTs alone.

schmee Mon 19-Aug-13 21:26:33

Runningchick Perhaps you should ask your mother?

Thesimplethings Mon 19-Aug-13 21:27:56

I think a compromise is needed here. He has his one night a week 'off' but you get one too to so whatevervitvis you want to do, even if it is chilling out reading a book. Pop to a friends for a chat etc. doing bedtime routine on your own wont be half as bed if you know you get your regular break too, or resentment will build. Would he be amicable to

Thesimplethings Mon 19-Aug-13 21:29:28

Also it would be good for dts to get used to one parent doing routine at an early age incase either of you are unexpectedly unavailable.

Lweji Mon 19-Aug-13 21:31:21

I'm sure his football can wait until the twins are older.
Or he should be prepared to do it all alone one night per week, as well as spending one whole day alone with the twins too. Only fair.

LanguageTimothy Mon 19-Aug-13 21:33:08

Running chick she coped because what other choice is there.

The OP will cope too. She's allowed a wee moan.

schmee Mon 19-Aug-13 21:35:03

2 babies - both screaming their heads off for one to one attention. 1 person trying to stick to a routine because co-or dinating their sleep is the only way to guarantee that you won't be up for four days straight without ANY sleep again.

Do the maths guys. This isn't about making sure everyone gets a night off in equal shares.

Ha ha ha to a night off every week for DH. He's lucky if he gets one night a month and our twins are over 6 months.

I agree that you need to be able to do bedtime alone (fwiw I did bathe mine every night from about 10 weeks, one on the floor, one in the bath and. Swap around- that wasn't te hard bit.) but if DH could be home, then he was home. Even when they go to sleep, mine don't stay asleep so I can't relax really as if one wakes, then the other will often wake and trying to calm two fractious tired babies is NOT FUN.

AllOutOfIdeas Mon 19-Aug-13 21:37:50

Personally I think a good compromise would be football every other sat and training each week with you getting an evening a week to go to the gym/meet a friend/mooch around the shops/whatever to unwind.

But I do think you need to start finding your own way to cope with bedtimes, whether it includes bathtime or not. After a few times it will get easier and you will be more confident.

waltzingmathilda Mon 19-Aug-13 21:39:00

sanctimummy that would be about 18 years ago - why ????

wickerbasketcase Mon 19-Aug-13 21:40:27

I cope fine all day, manage to take them out every day, even if it's just to M&S or tesco. They're as good as gold and get cooed over by lots of old ladies. I can tandem feed them during the day, but the bedtime routine defeats me. We only started bathing them daily a few weeks back, really only to help sleep cues. Their skin is just fine, not drying out thanks. The thing is, the routine has really paid dividends so far with 6 hours sleep some nights( broken up for feeds) so I'm a bit precious about it falling by he wayside. Maybe I must learn to try and do it alone? They go into their respective cribs with the video monitor on. The room is darkened and they sleep bette than downstairs

Runningchick123 Mon 19-Aug-13 21:40:33

I've asked her before and she says its just what mums do - if you have babies then you look after them, you cope with what life brings.
I appreciate that times have changed and men are now expected to be more involved, but I don't think that a persons social life has to stop just because they have had a baby (or two).
What do single parents of twins do? Surely they cope somehow.
I also think that restricting a person too much and refusing to let them enjoy reasonable pleasures in life breeds resentment and creates bigger problems. Surely it's about compromise ; sure you can go play football a couple of times a week, but I'm having sunday afternoon to go for a sauna and afternoon tea with my mum and I'm going for drinks with the girls once a fortnight.
Maybe I just enjoy having the tv remote to myself a couple of times a week and having the bargaining power of also deserving my 'me time'.

wickerbasketcase Mon 19-Aug-13 21:45:52

Runningchick.. You have twins yourself no??

Stampstamp Mon 19-Aug-13 21:48:56

Of course people cope if they have to - most people in the world don't have a washing machine, but that doesn't mean it's desirable that we all start washing clothes by hand. Why should the OP "cope" just so her DH can play football. Surely he's adult enough to realise that his life has to change, massively, in the same way that hers has - and that it might be very tough not to get any "me time" for a few months but it's not forever. He already has every Saturday to himself, it seems very selfish to insist on one evening as well when it comes at such a cost to his DP.

OP - have you explained to him how it makes you feel, and also that it's not forever?

schmee Mon 19-Aug-13 21:49:17

I coped with putting my dts down from one week old. I also coped with severe vomiting (me and them) when I couldn't stand up. I coped with colic and reflux in tandem. I coped with no sleep at all for days at a time because when one slept the other was awake. I coped with this whilst recovering from a c section and complications, and with severe anaemia. Because I had to. Doesn't make it alright.

On the plus side I did have an enormous sense of confidence from the fact that I knew I could cope.

By the way I also really enjoy them and it got miles easier after five months. I would have twins again if I could (just a singleton last time)

schmee Mon 19-Aug-13 21:50:29

What stampstamp said

Debs75 Mon 19-Aug-13 21:53:29

Cansu the keeping them with you is something to do with they pick up on your noises so are more likely to remember to breathe. IIRC from some research which I can't remember what when they are in a quiet room all by themselves they sleep more soundly which in a small minority of children can cause them to stop breathing.
If I have that wrong then please correct me but that is one reason I have kept mine with me as newborns.

OP I do feel your pain two is much harder than one. DD2 and 3 are only 2 years apart and I remember the first time I put them both to sleep. We all co-slept and bfed to sleep but I was still in a muddle and felt pinned in the bed by them. I think as well with 2 you can't practically put them to bed at the same time every night by yourself. Some nights one child will be fractious and you will need someone to settle her whilst you put the other to bed.

I would be asking DP to do a night by himself once in a while. All parents need a night off but they are so young and you never get this time back, maybe get him to start football again next season

crochetcircle Mon 19-Aug-13 21:55:08

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Stick to your guns. It's not like this stage is going to last for ever, probably only a few more months until you feel more capable and their sleep has settled down... And football really is going to be there forever.

We had two dd's close together (14 month gap) and I didn't do bedtime on my own for ages, and neither did my partner.

Personally I don't think it is reasonable to expect you to cope with this on a regular basis. Bedtime is the hardest bit of the day and as you say, it's also an important part of the day in terms of setting up a good (well, not crap) night's sleep for you. This is really important stuff!

On the night's my DP had to go out (for work or whatever) up until DD2 was maybe 7 months old, I always got someone to come round and help me. They would also do the same for me when I had things to do in the evening.

Thesimplethings Mon 19-Aug-13 21:56:52

I'm sorry but this he 'provides' and 'works hard' stuff is complete and utter shite. Does op not work hard? Does she not provide the childcare for dp to go out to work, presumably to a job he likes with career progression etc? Whilst op is at home with dts 24/7.

They are both allowed downtime, they are both working, albeit different jobs but equal importance. If one partner had so much free time then then other should get the same.

shoofly Mon 19-Aug-13 21:58:25

Wickerbasketcase I think you will want to be able to manage it on your own at some stage - just not yet. Would your dh consider doing it on his own? I think its a fair question to ask him because that's what he's asking of you. They are 12 weeks old fgs, surely the football could wait for a while yet.

I don't get all this " babies shouldn't cause real life to stop" crap? Of course they shouldn't, but I'm sure that if most people were honest the first few months of life with a baby (& you have two) - real life is more than a bit topsy turvy!

thebody Mon 19-Aug-13 22:06:53

op my dh worked away all the time my 4 were babies. first 2 16 months apart and second 2 born 9 years later again 16 months apart. hard on everyone.

yes you cope of course but If dh had been here he wouldn't have played bloody football one precious evening. he wanted to he here but couldn't be.

they are little for a short time yes but it's bloody bloody hard.

what's with this wage earner crap?? you work too.

I know you don't want to hear this but they do sleep eventually....

actually until lunchtime today ( last 2)😄

hand in there op.

PuppyMonkey Mon 19-Aug-13 22:08:51

I think you should discuss it again in a month or so when twins might be more settled and you might feel more up for the challenge. Also you can discuss which night you'll be having to yourself and what activity you'll be doing etc.

He shouldn't have a problem with that, you can both work up to it.

single parents of twins here, and I must agree with posters who say 12 weeks for a bedtime routine is setting yourself up for a hard time, also, bathing them every day is exhausting. Give your self a break, do what is easiest for you and dts. You can't really control things at this age - but in time, you may impose your iron will (mine are eight now)

and you both should work hard to have a night off where possible

badguider Mon 19-Aug-13 22:28:31

I am shocked that the OPs dh is already out ALL DAY every saturday!!!

I am looking after our ds in the early days for 10hrs a day while dh works, plus bf so doing most of the 8hrs overnight too.. dh only gets to see his son for about 5-6hrs max on a weekday, that time imo is too precious to spend playing football if he's ALSO out for half of the weekend.

We hope to introduce one weeknight 'off' each at about 12 weeks but there's no way dh would also be out all day one of the weekend days too!

froken Mon 19-Aug-13 22:34:48

I have read that more babies die of sids when they sleep in a room separate to the patents ( both naps and night sleep.) it is not know what causes sids so we can't understand why being in the same room as a parent offers some protection but I personally think that babies in the same room as you for tge first 6 months is a worthwhile inconvenience.

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