AIMBU - to still not be bothered to talk to 1/2 my family after wedding?

(122 Posts)
Rosenip Mon 19-Aug-13 16:21:48

Just over a year ago I got married to my wonderful DP. After a 7 year relationship he proposed and we set a date for nearly 18 months in the future, my parents offered to help us out with paying for our wedding so we thought this was a reasonable timescale to commence the planning and the saving.

So began the countdown to the day - I couldn't wait, wished all the time away and loved planning and preparing. I asked 2 of my female cousins to be part of my bridal party (along with DPs family members and my sis). Her dad - a vicar, my uncle is to marry us.

Neither of the two cousins (aged 23 and 21) could make a trip from Bath to London that summer to meet me and the other bridesmaids and to get involved in the general merriment - commence the start of my wrath. They were too busy/poor (1 a student planning her summer trip to Canada, 1 working part time because she's not the kind to enjoy working full time - they are both very sweet, kindly, homely types).

A couple of months later the elder cousin brings her new bf to London to attend a party and wants to meet up for lunch. They announce their engagement to me then and there - both 23, Christians, no sex before marriage types and had been together about a month. They go on to say they are planning their wedding 4 months before mine. I feel miffed. I am not asked to be a bridesmaid, I feel more miffed. I also know that her parents- who are having to pay for all of their wedding, are really feeling the pressure financially because of the demanding timescale. Her mum doesn't work and her dad is the vicar I mentioned before. I don't understand why the cousin didn't feel bad about this?

The she starts to usurp the ideas I had discussed with my BM I wanted for my wedding, marquee, homemade bunting etc. This is now what she is having. Some of our family members live abroad and probably won't make it to both weddings, hers comes first. I am told the shared ideas are a coincidence.

Her wedding comes along, neither I, nor my immediate family are asked to be in any photos, her grandparents on the other side are openly rude to us because they know we are upset with the timing and other aspects of the wedding (justified or not) and then at about 3pm, all of their close family,including cousins on the other side go off to a restaurant dinner to close the day. We were not invited.

Our day comes along, the evening before, the younger of the cousins says she can't come over at 8am to have her hair done, she will just do it herself, she is tired from travelling from Bath the day before (she has ME). She is no good at hair, never does it or wears makeup. I explain I have paid for their hair to be done and I would really like her to come. She agrees to come, but a bit later on. I open a gift from my bridesmaids, a lovely necklace. It is signed from all the others, not the 2 cousins, they didn't want to contribute.

1 year later, I don't feel the need to go and visit them/their parents regularly as I used to, I still feel midly miffed enough to think about it sometimes.

Apparently they never understod why I might be miffed, the wedding had to take place quickly, they are christians (so I am btw but perhaps not so strict in every sense.... wink) because 'they just wanted to BE together'. Their whole side of the family are very religious people, generally enjoying singing round the piano and baking cakes, so looking in from outside I imagine plenty of people feel they are too nice for me to be miffed at.

So, there you have it, AIBU to still feel miffed, will it ever go away, or AIBU about the whole thing?! Let me have it.... grin

picnicbasketcase Mon 19-Aug-13 16:25:36

At this point, you could really just let it go. Both weddings have already happened, there's no reason to still be cross about it. I get why you would have been beforehand, but now - be the bigger person.

SantanaLopez Mon 19-Aug-13 16:26:18

<whisper>

you sound like a Bridezilla.

Really, read that back to yourself. Everyone and his dog are having bunting and tents atm. It's not unusual.

You really can't demand your cousin (with ME!) arrives at 8am.

Not being able to come is unfortunate but understandable.

So, yabu. Sorry!

You're miffed because she stole your thunder?

I love the idea of singing round the piano and baking cakes grin, do you miss their company?

roslet Mon 19-Aug-13 16:28:17

I don't really get why you were upset with their wedding being first, sorry.

Sirzy Mon 19-Aug-13 16:30:13

I agree with picnic.

It sounds like your not that close to the cousins (may be wrong there just guessing!) in which case she may have had people closer to her she wanted to be more involved in her wedding - thats just the way these things happen.

Trills Mon 19-Aug-13 16:31:07

I can understand why grandparents on the other side didn't want to talk to you.

If even they (who don't know you at all) knew that you were miffed about the timing then you must have been being very obvious about it and generally behaving unpleasantly.

Is this actually a reverse AIBU with extra detail thrown in? You are annoyed at a woman with ME not wanting to be somewhere at 8am to get their hair done, when they had travelled the previous day?

riskit4abiskit Mon 19-Aug-13 16:32:58

I think YABU...
to be annoyed that they got married before you

that some guests from abroad could only make it to one wedding - its their choice really although frustrating. people are invited, its not compulsory.

its not really your business that the timescale is putting financial pressure on the parents sorry. perhaps the groom contributed too, or the bride and groom paid themselves?

YABVU....
about your bridesmaid with ME - I would have been glad she made the effort to come at all! Also you can't try and change someone's personality to fit in with your 'day' - if she isn't the hairdresser type then I would have left her to it. did you ask her in advance if she wanted you to book for hair - if she HAD said yes, then YANBU.

YANBU ....
that they nicked all your ideas - this would make me livid.

that they all beggared off for a meal at 3pm and left you out - this is weird.

I would also be upset that they didn't sign the card from the other bridesmaids. did they get you a separate gift?

so a mixed response from me!

riskit4abiskit Mon 19-Aug-13 16:34:48

hope you managed a lovely wedding despite all this!

Tryharder Mon 19-Aug-13 16:36:48

Are you winding us up?

<narrows eyes>

Morgause Mon 19-Aug-13 16:37:11

If you went to the wedding with a face like a cat's arse it's no wonder they didn't speak to you or invite you for the meal.

People can get married when they want to - they don't have to ask your permission. Marquees and home-made bunting are at almost every wedding these days.

You need to get over yourself and get over this, you don't sound like a very nice person. Try reading it back - is that how you want people to see you?

BrokenSunglasses Mon 19-Aug-13 16:39:09

In the nicest possible way, you need to get over yourself.

Why on earth did you ask two cousins you clearly aren't particularly close to to be bridesmaids in the first place? You set yourself up for the issues there, and the stuff about the timing of their wedding really does make you bridezilla.

Armadale Mon 19-Aug-13 16:41:38

You sound disparaging when you write about them- are you aware of this? Do you think they might be aware of this attitude?

It sounds like they did their best to fit in with most of your plans but left the bridezilla aspects alone (didn't meet up to join the pre wedding merriment the summer before the wedding confused)

As for stealing your ideas, Marquees and bunting are not the height of original thought when it comes to wedding planning.....

I'd let this go now, you aren't doing yourself any favours

FixItUpChappie Mon 19-Aug-13 16:41:40

Really half of this sounds like its none of your business - all the bits about your cousins wedding and how long she had been dating her partner and when that wedding was....your wedding doesn't trump other people going on with their lives (however ill advised it is to marry someone after a month).

If your cousins family was rude to your family was there any chance that both sides bear some responsibility? Must be if they knew you were all annoyed about the timing.

Same goes for them not coming to you hen do. Cousin 1 saving to go to Canada is probably expensive - that should be her priority because that is important to her life. The other not coming due to work - well who knows? Maybe she couldn't swing it. They came to the wedding which is the important part.

They were being cheap about the necklace but perhaps they genuinely didn't have the funds? Was the necklace very expensive? Your cousins are quite young.

The hair thing would have irritate me because you paid for it and how hard is it to show up to a one time hair appointment on a special occasion.

Either way, its time to let it go. Family rifts are not worth it.

That is my read on what your wrote in your OP.

WafflyVersatile Mon 19-Aug-13 16:42:39

I agree. You sound like bridezilla.

caramelwaffle Mon 19-Aug-13 16:44:00

Is this one of those annoying as fuck reverse AIBUs? They're a pain in the arse?

Not the funny, reverse AIBUs about funny/witty senarios and general mischiefness.

HatieKokpins Mon 19-Aug-13 16:44:56

Dear Bridzilla,

LET IT GO.

Love and kisses,

Hatie xx

HatieKokpins Mon 19-Aug-13 16:45:25

(I'm sure I've read bits of this before, btw)

McNewPants2013 Mon 19-Aug-13 16:45:43

It was 4 months before your wedding, not 4 weeks.

I can't believe you have stewed on this for a year, surely the most important thing was getting married.

From your title I imagined there was a big fight or someone had distroyed your cake on purpose .

caramelwaffle Mon 19-Aug-13 16:45:46

^ Love you NN hatie.

caramelwaffle Mon 19-Aug-13 16:46:08

*your

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 19-Aug-13 16:46:15

You sound like my aunt.

She never got over my parents announcing their engagement the day before she and uncle did (my parents didn't know).

She determinedly got married beforehand.

She really got her arse in her hands when my mum has the first grandchild. Still pisses her off 25 years later.

Yabu. Get over it.

TheCraicDealer Mon 19-Aug-13 16:48:24

This has got to be a reverse AIBU!

Bunting and marquees are overdone as fuck, especially now that vintage-y, quasi-"village hall" feel is in. People use them because they like them, not because they're original.

LIZS Mon 19-Aug-13 16:48:50

Are you young yourself , only you come across as rather naïve, petty and jealous that your cousin got married quickly while you waited 18 months plus the 7 years. You have 2 choices , go on being miffed and cut off your nose to spite your face as you will undoubtedly feel equally miffed at any future events included or excluded, or move on and accept that you are now a family unit with dh just as your cousin is with hers and that family dynamics and priorities evolve and change. You perhaps no longer need to visit or meet as often as you once did but that isn't necessarily a reflection on what happened with the weddings.

Thurlow Mon 19-Aug-13 16:49:40

But... but... the weddings are over? confused

Just because you had booked a date for your wedding doesn't mean that no one you know can't get married before you or quicker than you.

Your cousins actually might not have had much money to spend. You are sulking like a child about a present?! It was your wedding day, not the greatest day of their life.

I agree with reading your OP back. You are massively unreasonable to feel like this, and your op really doesn't make you sound very pleasant at all.

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