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AIBU to ask your opinions on what me and DH are arguing about?!(58 Posts)
ok, so a brief background story...DH and I have 3 children; twin girls age 2.7 and DS just turned 4. I am a sahm and have been since DS was born. Im starting FT uni end of September.
Our disagreement is that apparently i dont do enough with the kids!! He works from home, so knows exactly what I do every day!! well, not exactly, but more than many other fathers who work away from home. I dont drive (taking driving lessons) and dont have much spare cadh each week after general food bills, bills etc. I take the kids to a playgroup every Wednesday morning, will take them to the park once a week, take them to see a friend who has a little boy the same age as DTGs, walk to see their nan, take them out on their balance bikes, or we will pop to asda or town to get a bit of shopping, where il treat them to some crayons and colouring books, or craft supplies. my mum will take either ds or dtgs out once a week, and my mil will have either ds or girls, mostly ds, so i can do driving lessons or take kids for a walk or do housework while kids play. I generally have a lot of housework to do, as we are all home most of the time.
Should I be doing more with the kids?
It's ok. Mine are at the shops and hanging around often.
Agree shopping trips were usually fun when they were tinies and we used to kill two birds with one stone and do the other sin of eating at the shops or having a mcdonalds if they were good
When mine were little I took them out every day. But these outings were to the swing park, to the shops, to the library etc. vey low key but fun and educational in their own way. What does he expect you to do with them?
I would try to spend more time at the park/outside. But you are doing fine!
When he says you should do more, does he mean you should be out of the house more often?
I suspect - as someone who works from home - that 'you're not doing enough with the kids' really means 'I can't work when three kids are rampaging around the house'. Which I have a degree of sympathy with, but life is tough - what are you supposed to do with three kids for 8 hours a day (that doesn't cost £££?).
All I ever did when DS was tiny was exactly the same as you - soft play one day (we didn't have a playgroup), park, tootle off to see friends, shopping (and WTF with kids shouldn't go shopping, how are they supposed to eat?), maybe the odd trip in to town for a free museum.
I honestly don't see how you could do more, certainly without spending more.
Another one who is interested to know what your DP does with them...
He des actually do a lot with them tbf. Last night he took DS on a bike ride (ds on back bike seat) to the beach. Didnt come back till way past bed time but then it is summer holidays
Weekends we will usually take them out for the day to a certain local attraction thats geared towards kids (mini theme park type place). He does the dishwasher and laundry whenever he can and always helps with bathtime routine, although ive started saying im quite ok to do the girls myself while he stays downstairs to watch DS and cook tea. He's on the last few times if going to the theme park has gone himself with his mum cause ive either had a migraine or like last weekend, i wa helping my dad finish the bathroom. I really dont think ive got room to complain about him as a father. But it just really hurt me when he said i dont do anything with the kids!! Majority of the sunny days were either spent down the park or in the back garden with the paddling pool, messy play, play dough, gardening etc. maybe I should go out of the house to entertain them more often but what about the housework?! I tend to try and dip in and out of each task!! Play with the kids for a bit, make sure theyre happy then go load/unload the dishwasher or put wahing in the line, change a bed, hoover etc etc
If i had a driving licence, infinate money and no housework we wouls be here there and everywhere wvery day!!!
I didn't say they shouldn't shop or hang around the flat, just that if that's all you do, I do think they are missing out on a lot of developmental opportunities, especially physically because at that age they need to move and climb a lot, explore nature and so on.
It's great everyone wants to be supportive but to me it sounds like one could provide the children with more variety of experiences. The OP could ask DH what exactly he means rather than complaining on mumsnet.
As I said before, I think you're doing fine. Life cannot all be exciting and adventurous. With three very small children, it is logistically very hard to go off to places - most swimming pools won't even let you take them in without at least two adults.
As for theme parks, they are my idea of a nightmare, and what's the problem anyway if your dh can take them at weekends.
You would soon know if your children were bored.
Kids have to fit in with chores and the like, they do not need entertaining 24 hours a day! You are doing fine and do plenty with them.
i think you should go out more during the day and to hell with the housework - they are only little once, enjoy your time with them
Sanam you did say they shouldn't be hanging round the flat or at the shops.
You said: "Kids should be running around/climbing/walking, not hanging around in a flat or going shopping."
Unless one is fortunate enough to be able to afford a cleaner and personal shopper, then housework and shopping have to be fitted in during one's childcare...
I know someone with twins of similar age who doesn't take them out, except to the shops in the buggy. Says they run in opposite directions and she can't handle it. I find it a little surprising but try not to judge...
Tell him you are encouraging "self absorbed play"
Emsmaman No you shouldn't judge her. I have three children very close in age, and when they were toddlers it could be dangerous if I wasn't in complete control - they do sometimes all go in different directions, and it can be very difficult handle.
They do seem to go out somewhere each day so don't understand what more the op should be doing.
They visit a friend once a week, go to play group once a week, visit nan once a week, go shopping once a week, bikes, play in the garden and lots of messy play etc. family days out at the weekend also.
How is this not enough?
I still think he's a cheeky bugger who possibly has no idea how hard it is to get three children out and about and run a house.
You're doing fine but I'd be pissed off why he thought the way he does, are there other issues he has?
I had three close together, when ds3 came along there were some days we didn't go out at all other than to drop off ds1 at nursery and pick him up, there was plenty at home and in the garden to keep them occupied.
sounds you are spending a good amount of time and a variety of activities. he is BU
what/how much does he do with them?
OP, what specifically does your DP think you should be doing with them that you aren't already doing?
Sorry, posted too soon -
The only thing I thought was that 'going to the park' once a week didn't sound like much, and with dcs that age, does he mean are they getting enough exercise?
Obvs you could live miles away from a park/not have one you can walk to/not be near any other open space or swings etc.
Soft play if you can stand it is another way to burn off energy, tho that might not be an option if you can't afford it. just at that age, I would want to be sure they are getting enough fresh air and exercise, and park once a week didn't sound like much.
You sound to be doing enough to me! I don't really get what your dh means if you do all what you mentioned.
We have an allotment that i can now take them to because DH just finished the fence around it, so thats the plan for tomorrow lunch time after playgroup in the morning. We have a glut of cherry toms which the girls love, so grab some bread and cheese and juice and lunch on the allotment with a bit of weeding/kicking mud about tomorrow afternoon; weather permitting. I suppose I could take them to the beach more often but it the age old issue of having twin toddlers - they run off in opposite directions, and they have done on numerous occasions with me. They never seem to want to hold my hand let alone stay by me. But yet, whenever DH has taken them to the beach theyve stayed close by!! All three kids seem to behave a lot better for him or anyone else!! Plus the beach is about a two mile walk away. Which isnt so far i suppose.
Oh I have a 3 year old and trying to actually leave the house is a fine art. He's actually happy as larry just pottering around the house going "you wanna come in my spaceship wip me". So trying to get 3 under the age of 3 out the house sounds like you must be a toddler whisperer of high calibre who could actually herd cats.
Literally laughed out loud at herding cats .
We only have the one, she's almost 3 and we're completely knackered - it's like having a whirlwind. How can someone that small make so much mess so fast??? You're doing a fabulous job. What was he stressed about and taking out on you anyway? You need to tell him to talk, not bitch, that doesn't get anything done.
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