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A Drag of a Stag! (sorry, v long)

(17 Posts)

Well good for BIL2B! Glad someone's still got a sense of proportion!

TiffanyAtBreakfast Thu 08-Aug-13 16:24:57

... Apologising for the way they had behaved, even. Can't type today!

TiffanyAtBreakfast Thu 08-Aug-13 16:24:23

Thanks again for all the comments smile thought I'd better come back and update you!

So last night DH had a sheepish text message from BIL2B, apologising for his fiancé and for MIL had behaved in having a massive go at DH about the stag, saying he completely understood about the money and asking if DH would like to get together at the weekend for a pint by way of apology. Obviously he has nothing to apologise for, but what a nice message, and good that someone is willing to compromise.

We've not heard from SIL again about it yet, but if we do, we can now do as Doubtfuldaphne suggested, and just say "it's all sorted thanks"!

Families are a challenge! Thanks for your advice. xx

Doubtfuldaphne Wed 07-Aug-13 17:00:19

Just because your dp had loads spent on him it doesn't mean he demanded it or expected it to be expensive. Not everyone has money spare and the il's sound like bullies.
Your dh needs to speak to them all together or just sort it with the brother so next time she says something he can just keep replying with 'all sorted thanks'
As she has been so rude about all this I wouldn't go just to make a point.
It's YOUR money. you've just got married and want to start building for the future, she has no right to dictate what you spend your money on. If they can't understand this then just distance yourselves and keep standing up for yourselves.

DidoTheDodo Wed 07-Aug-13 16:42:23

If I was you I would walk away from the whole thing and let my H sort it out. (Obviously without spending any joint money)

TiffanyAtBreakfast Wed 07-Aug-13 16:38:16

whois I did say in my post above that we know it seems that way... But just because BIL2B has that sort of money spare doesn't mean that we do. If DH had to pay his own share at his stag he wouldn't have been able to go without borrowing money, simple as that. The other stags paid a little more so that it covered his attendance. Ok, I accept it if the consensus is that we are BU in that respect then but as I said, I do see their point of view smile

HorryIsUpduffed yep he'd be going as a relation and won't know anybody there other than the younger brother. DH and BIL2B are not particularly close, neither are DH and SIL really but family is family I suppose.

whois Wed 07-Aug-13 15:46:19

I was going to be on your side, until you said the stag had spent loads of money at your DH's stag do!

That is massive double standards and you know it.

The bride is annoyed that her brother won't be at her H2B's stag do? What fresh madness is this?!

It really has nothing to do with SIL. It's between DH and his BIL2B. I'd have thought that choosing one of the two days was a great compromise because I'm assuming he is going as a relation, not as an actual friend.

Leeds2 Wed 07-Aug-13 14:56:19

I would stand firm on this, and just go for the day. Your DH is making a huge effort to fit in, and that is enough.

Glad MIL has calmed down a bit!

TiffanyAtBreakfast Wed 07-Aug-13 14:17:50

Oh and sorry, missed the bit about my DB. He couldn't afford to go because he'd just done a three month trip around Europe, lucky bugger. He was disappointed, but him, DH and DDad went for a boozy dinner instead the week they got back so it was all ok!

TiffanyAtBreakfast Wed 07-Aug-13 14:15:18

Thanks for the opinions everyone, it's good to have some unbiased feedback, both YABU and YANBU smile

MsJupiterJones - Agree, he could definitely try to be frugal while he's there and not go crazy. In total though it's going to be more like £300 with spending money. If they're OK about the one day thing DH suggested then £100 is a bit more do-able, definitely, but they aren't happy with that sad Also we don't have any savings yet to dig into so still not sure where we'd find the cash but would have to be overdraft I guess. It would be much nicer to just not rock the boat but I feel like we're being forced into it a bit confused

DoctorRobert - You're right, he did have a big do which I appreciate and I realise it seems a bit hypocritical, but DH didn't organise it and didn't know the cost until afterwards. I think he was quite shocked (as was I!). BIL2B is organising this himself. I agree with those saying stag/hens have gone a bit over the top nowadays. DH should have organised it himself but best man was insistent that he wanted to do it. If BIL2B couldn't afford to go though, DH wouldn't have forced the issue, and I stayed completely out of it because it's nothing to do with me does pointed stare at SIL

meganorks - That's a good idea actually. It's the stag that DH texted initially but maybe he could give him a call instead. Things come across so much better over the phone or face to face and maybe it would lighten the atmosphere a little!

Boosterseat Love that suggestion! "I can't afford the stag because we're saving for babies, get off my back people" haha!

Just an update: MIL has phoned DH and has calmed down a bit but said she feels like she is stuck in the middle. She shouldn't even be involved in my opinion, let alone in the middle - This has been blown wayyy out of the water!

Hmm, for £300 pp, poor DH could afford to go to Tenerife for five days most likely!

DoctorRobert Wed 07-Aug-13 12:47:44

I was all set to say YANBU, until I read that your DH obviously had an expensive stag do himself - your BIL spend lots of money and your DB couldn't even afford to go which seems like a shame.

Personally I couldn't imagine holding a celebration that actually prices out family (I deliberately had a cheap hen do for this reason) but your DH thought it was okay back then. I can kind of see this from their point of view actually.

MsJupiterJones Wed 07-Aug-13 12:46:15

If he is getting a little money coming in anyway then I think he should go and just try to be frugal while he's there. It is a pain but it obviously means a lot to his family and if he's going to be spending £100 then it's another £100 to come out of the inheritance instead of the savings account.

I know this wont be a popular opinion but that's what I think.

JennySense Wed 07-Aug-13 12:45:00

Don't do it. I personally find these lavish hen/stag do's a bit confused - it's being whipped up into such a massive thing!

meganorks Wed 07-Aug-13 12:41:27

Can he just speak to the stag directly? You say he is pretty relaxed and easy going so if he speaks with him (in person if possible) then he will no doubt say he understands and doesn't mind. So not sure how others could be angry then. Your sil and mil are bring ridiculous so you shouldn't bow to them.

Boosterseat Wed 07-Aug-13 12:40:40

Tell them to fuck off.

Their behavior is shitty and he has offered a very reasonable compromise.

If they want to get all Stagzilla then let them, you have a budget and you're sticking to it. Its really inst the business of anyone else.

Tell MIL you're saving to give her GC, that will probably shut her up grin

TiffanyAtBreakfast Wed 07-Aug-13 12:33:20

Okay, I need to know if I/we are BU...

Bit of background first: DH and I got married very recently, spent a bit more money than expected and are now happy but broke trying to be frugal smile

Now DH's sister is getting married, and DH is invited to the stag do in a UK city. It's going to cost £200 per head before drinks, food and travel. To elaborate a bit, we have pretty average incomes (n.b - much less than SIL & BIL2B), enough to cover mortgage, day to day living and the odd cinema trip / day out / whatever. We deliberately didn't have a holiday this year, and literally a few days ago decided to cancel our planned joint-birthday weekend away in the UK as it was going to cost around the £200 mark.

So putting all of this into consideration, DH replied that he'll go to one of the nights, i.e. half of the stag weekend (£100 is still quite a lot to us at the moment for what is essentially a celebratory piss up, but it's a compromise). However this is apparently not a good enough solution - SIL feels it's unfair because BIL2B went to DH's stag and spent lots of £££s. She phoned up MIL and whipped her up into a state about it, and DH's younger brother is cross with him too as he won't know anyone else there. On top of that, MIL and SIL now think we are actually poor and struggling because of the way DH worded his reply (I hate texting!). In all of this, nothing has been said by the actual stag, who is a very relaxed guy - The sniping is being done behind our backs, and only via MIL and SIL who then feed each others' comments back to us in dribs and drabs of texts.

SIL replied, ignoring DH saying (not asking) he'd go for one night and just said "well the inheritance will be through by then anyway" (DH is due a small inheritance, separate issue). Erm, even if it is, we are not spending it on a stag do. It will go into a proper savings account for our future/babies/house etc.

We do understand that BIL2B spent lots of money on DH's stag and it's lovely that he could afford to do that, but my feeling is he didn't have to, and forcing DH to spend money we don't physically have is unfair.. My DB couldn't afford to go to DH's stag, and he was missed, but neither of us were angry with him.

Anyway I feel like the only way to avoid an all-out family argument here is to just agree that he should go, which means either spending hundreds of pounds of our joint money that we don't have (overdraft I guess), or borrowing money from family, which in my experience never ends well. DH also said he doesn't want to just bend to this pressure and go just because SIL is being bossy.

I want DH to stick to his guns as I think their behaviour is pretty shitty, but I don't want him to be upset by it all, which he is, naturally. I don't want SIL & MIL to be upset with DH/us.

Soooo what's the verdict MNetters?

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