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to think I have a right to know my child is going to have a sibling?

(55 Posts)
CuteFeet Tue 06-Aug-13 22:49:46

My exHs girlfriend is pregnant. I guessed several months ago when our dd was moved out of the bedroom next to his against her wishes yet still my ex has not actually told me. I have had another child since we separated and ensured I told him rather than him hearing it from someone else as obviously having a sibling is a big deal for our daughter. AIBU to think that exH should have told my daughter and I? She found out yesterday when her old bedroom was left unlocked and saw a cot etc in there. Girlfriend is at least 5 months pregnant so not waiting for the 3 month thing.

Firebomb Wed 07-Aug-13 17:42:25

After reading your comments, OP, I have to agree that YANBU at all and it sounds as though your XH is being unreasonable. We didn't cut down visitation with his DS at all after I had my son. Definitely didn't tell him we weren't going to have as much time for him. You need to make sure that his GF is not trying to cut your DD out of his life (either as a jealousy thing, ie, she doesn't want him to have any kids but theirs. Or as an angry things, ie, she doesn't like your DD) She has no say in his visitation with his DD and should not be influencing that decision, so make sure that she's not trying.

Bruthastortoise Wed 07-Aug-13 16:53:07

I think they should tell your DD but I'm not sure you have right to know. Re. the change of bedrooms - I rearranged the bedrooms in my home before youngest DS was even conceived on the basis that any negative feelings about thr move from the older DC wouldn't be focused on the new baby. Maybe your ex did the same.

anklebitersmum Wed 07-Aug-13 16:29:55

If they have moved your DD into a new bedroom solely because of the new baby then they should have explained why..especially as you say she objected to being ousted.

You don't have any 'rights' per se but personally I told my ex before I told my DS when I got pregnant. He was nasty no suprise there but I figured it was, as you say, 'the right thing to do' regardless. DH told his DS and then his ex when he took DS back to ex's so backwards but essentially the same.

I'd be taking your ex aside and having a conversation about the whole situation if I were you, on the proviso that it is already affecting DD even if he is not aware of it.

Perhaps he's just under-estimated how sharp she is?

CuteFeet Wed 07-Aug-13 16:18:30

Natasha - I guess maybe they thought it better to move her before announcing baby so she didn't feel she was being moved because of baby? Her father doesn't give her much credit for having a memory!

anonpost Wed 07-Aug-13 16:16:49

I think you should have been told, only because it'll affect your daughter.

Crinkle77 Wed 07-Aug-13 16:14:32

It does seem rather odd that they haven't told her about the baby and that she had to hear from other people. You don't have a 'right' to know as such but they should have told you about and then told your daughter so that you could be prepared for any questions she might have.

needaholidaynow Wed 07-Aug-13 16:14:23

No you don't have the right at all. You are not part of their family so it's nothing to do with you. Your DD should know, and if you found out from anyone else then that's the way it is.

Emilythornesbff Wed 07-Aug-13 16:06:51

Oh.
Not sure about "rights" but I do think it would have been "the right thing" to tell you and your DD.
Why don't you raise it with them?

McNewPants2013 Wed 07-Aug-13 15:49:32

My sister recently had a baby and I wish I told ds later.

40ish weeks is a long time for a child to wait and perhaps he wanted to wait so it wasn't a long wait for Dd

I was going to say YABU, but having read your replies I think that actually you aren't being U. It does sound like your poor DD is not being treated fairly; yeah, you both should have been told.

NatashaBee Wed 07-Aug-13 15:48:40

I do think it would have been the polite thing to do to give you a heads up in case your DD was upset. DSD told her mother herself, but if she hadn't, I would have mentioned it to her.

In the OP's case I don't really understand why the DD was moved out of the bedroom 'several months ago' for a baby that is still 4 months away from arriving (and then presumably will be in with its parents for the first couple of months).

MoominsYonisAreScary Wed 07-Aug-13 15:45:30

And I didn't find out about any of the dcs new siblings until the children told me

MoominsYonisAreScary Wed 07-Aug-13 15:43:03

I didn't tell anyone until 24 weeks last time, ds2 was told when I was about 6 months. Didn't even cross my mind to tell exh, think
dp told him at some point

MrsDeVere Wed 07-Aug-13 15:39:09

YANBU

Of course your DD has the 'right' to know and as her mother you should have been informed so you could discuss it with her.
Not because you are a nosy cow but because you are her mother and your DD may well have questions and concerns.

I know these things are complicated but at the heart of it all is the best interests of the child, your DD. It is surely in her best interests to be included in the major life event and you, as her main carer to be equipped to help her with it?

I don't agree that it sounds like you are not detached from your ex. I think most parents would want to know something as important as this, it would be different if you didn't have a child together. But you do.

It's vulgar to tell people one is expecting before three months.

Sorry, what the actual fuck?? hmm

DidoTheDodo Wed 07-Aug-13 15:31:56

I'm not sure why your dd feels upset not to have seen the scan pictures.
And the 3 month thing isn't necessarily the end of the worrying time: it's the 20 week scan that is looking for anomalies and there can be all sorts of issues after that time.

It does make you sound a bit as though you haven't totally detaxched from your ex yet.

CuteFeet Wed 07-Aug-13 15:25:50

No point asking geology - I already know it's true and he'll take me asking as a sign I'm jealous knowing him. Just feel bad for dd that it wasn't handled better.

geologygirl Wed 07-Aug-13 09:46:04

On the basis that your ex laid down and created a life with you previously, then yes he should have the decency and respect to inform you. Your DD is in his life and it will have an impact on her life.

Why don't you just ask him? Say dd saw the cot and you are wondering. Completely harmless to ask the question!

Blissx Wed 07-Aug-13 09:44:15

I personally think both you and your DD should have been told. It DOES affect your DD and by association you. It will also affect, potentially, visitations with your daughter and her father, potentially in the future, if they have to cancel or re-arrange because of a newborn. I understand your concerns.

Unfortunately, it is done now and there is not much more you can do. However, I think it does set a precedent for what is to come. The new GF appears to not want to include her new baby's half sibling in to what is a wonderful, but also uncertain time for an 8 year old. I think you will need to keep a close eye on your DD, to help her not feel excluded. I mean, they chuck her out of her bedroom without even telling her why and let her find out like that? I'd be livid.

CuteFeet Wed 07-Aug-13 09:32:15

No reason I can think of - I have no problem with it and dd would be fine too, she just hasn't liked the way it's been handled. One of her dad's friends children mentioned something about them having a baby a couple of months ago but dd told them they were mistaken - turns out they weren't and now dd feels a fool for not knowing first. Her father constantly tells her he doesn't have time to see her more so she's annoyed that he's got time to have another baby and could do with reassurance which I could've provided if we'd known sooner. It's going to be difficult now it's not that til she's due and dd has already been moved from her room, contact has been reduced etc.

livinginwonderland Wed 07-Aug-13 09:09:37

I think you should be told simply because it will affect your DD. She has a right to know that she'll have a new brother or sister and it's important for you to be able to help her adjust to that. Is there any reason your exH didn't tell her or you?

HollyBerryBush Wed 07-Aug-13 08:59:40

None of your business. It is your Exs business to tell his daughter at a time he feels is appropriate.

manticlimactic Wed 07-Aug-13 08:59:31

her DD

manticlimactic Wed 07-Aug-13 08:58:42

Significant other? chocolatepup

My ex took ages to tell me about his gf being pregnant, she was just about to drop. He told DD and she told me months later. I would have liked to be told as her behaviour had changed a lot and I was at a loss as to what was the cause. Turns out she was worried about how things would be when the baby arrived (the gf hadn't even lived with ex up to this point) Had I known about the pregnancy I could have spoke to her DD about it and reassured her/talked through her worries with her.

Chocolatepup Wed 07-Aug-13 08:50:07

I'm still getting up to date with mn abbrevations, what's a SO Firebomb?

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