to think I have a right to know my child is going to have a sibling?

(55 Posts)
CuteFeet Tue 06-Aug-13 22:49:46

My exHs girlfriend is pregnant. I guessed several months ago when our dd was moved out of the bedroom next to his against her wishes yet still my ex has not actually told me. I have had another child since we separated and ensured I told him rather than him hearing it from someone else as obviously having a sibling is a big deal for our daughter. AIBU to think that exH should have told my daughter and I? She found out yesterday when her old bedroom was left unlocked and saw a cot etc in there. Girlfriend is at least 5 months pregnant so not waiting for the 3 month thing.

Ericaequites Wed 07-Aug-13 03:33:08

Your ex husband should have told your daughter himself when his girlfriend was expecting. It would have been courteous for him to tell you as well. It's vulgar to tell people one is expecting before three months. Still, one ought not wait until the new child's arrival before informing half-siblings. There's a middle ground, and it's best all around to stick to same.

Firebomb Wed 07-Aug-13 03:40:26

I have a biased opinion about this so I doubt I'll be very helpful. But when I got pregnant with my ds, my SO told his XW about it and she told him that I should get an abortion so that he could spend all his time focused on their son and not this 'bastard child'. She is completely unreasonable about my son and thinks my SO should have nothing to do with him, especially if it interferes with her life in anyway. (ie, she wants to talk with my SO and we're at a GP appt for the LO. She told him to leave the appt and speak with her immediately and that it was my job to take care of the baby and it was his job to listen to her.)

So I'd say no, you wouldn't have a right to know about the baby and eventually your DD would be told about it but they may just be being cautious. (I was very high risk my entire pregnancy and could have lost the baby at anytime so we prepared my SO's DS for that possibility, even though he didn't really understand because he was 4. All he knew was that I was getting bigger because I had his little brother in my belly.) If your XH's gf hasn't started showing yet, they may be waiting for your DD to notice before they explain if she is very young. They may not want to deal with the impatience and be waiting to tell her til it's closer to time (I so wish we would have done this because almost 7 months of 'is my little brother gonna be here yet?' was daunting LOL)

bearleftmonkeyright Wed 07-Aug-13 07:24:45

Yes, it would be courteous to have told you as it effects your dd and you clearly did the same thing when you had your child. God, its a really difficult one. All I can say is it would be unwise to make too much of a big deal about it. Yes it affects your dd, but you can still be supportive ti your dd with the information you have. I would have a quick conversation with xh just to make sure the facts are straight.

SleepyFish Wed 07-Aug-13 07:30:01

I don't understand why they have moved her out of her bedroom already. Surely the baby will be in it's parents room for a while?
Anyway yes it's strange they haven't told your dd and a shame she's had to find out by accident.

Chocolatepup Wed 07-Aug-13 08:48:41

I think they should have told your DD (who would in turn no doubt tell you but you have no 'right') here. They should be trying to make her feel involved and included and the fact that they're not is a bit shit actually.

Chocolatepup Wed 07-Aug-13 08:50:07

I'm still getting up to date with mn abbrevations, what's a SO Firebomb?

manticlimactic Wed 07-Aug-13 08:58:42

Significant other? chocolatepup

My ex took ages to tell me about his gf being pregnant, she was just about to drop. He told DD and she told me months later. I would have liked to be told as her behaviour had changed a lot and I was at a loss as to what was the cause. Turns out she was worried about how things would be when the baby arrived (the gf hadn't even lived with ex up to this point) Had I known about the pregnancy I could have spoke to her DD about it and reassured her/talked through her worries with her.

manticlimactic Wed 07-Aug-13 08:59:31

her DD

HollyBerryBush Wed 07-Aug-13 08:59:40

None of your business. It is your Exs business to tell his daughter at a time he feels is appropriate.

livinginwonderland Wed 07-Aug-13 09:09:37

I think you should be told simply because it will affect your DD. She has a right to know that she'll have a new brother or sister and it's important for you to be able to help her adjust to that. Is there any reason your exH didn't tell her or you?

CuteFeet Wed 07-Aug-13 09:32:15

No reason I can think of - I have no problem with it and dd would be fine too, she just hasn't liked the way it's been handled. One of her dad's friends children mentioned something about them having a baby a couple of months ago but dd told them they were mistaken - turns out they weren't and now dd feels a fool for not knowing first. Her father constantly tells her he doesn't have time to see her more so she's annoyed that he's got time to have another baby and could do with reassurance which I could've provided if we'd known sooner. It's going to be difficult now it's not that til she's due and dd has already been moved from her room, contact has been reduced etc.

Blissx Wed 07-Aug-13 09:44:15

I personally think both you and your DD should have been told. It DOES affect your DD and by association you. It will also affect, potentially, visitations with your daughter and her father, potentially in the future, if they have to cancel or re-arrange because of a newborn. I understand your concerns.

Unfortunately, it is done now and there is not much more you can do. However, I think it does set a precedent for what is to come. The new GF appears to not want to include her new baby's half sibling in to what is a wonderful, but also uncertain time for an 8 year old. I think you will need to keep a close eye on your DD, to help her not feel excluded. I mean, they chuck her out of her bedroom without even telling her why and let her find out like that? I'd be livid.

geologygirl Wed 07-Aug-13 09:46:04

On the basis that your ex laid down and created a life with you previously, then yes he should have the decency and respect to inform you. Your DD is in his life and it will have an impact on her life.

Why don't you just ask him? Say dd saw the cot and you are wondering. Completely harmless to ask the question!

CuteFeet Wed 07-Aug-13 15:25:50

No point asking geology - I already know it's true and he'll take me asking as a sign I'm jealous knowing him. Just feel bad for dd that it wasn't handled better.

DidoTheDodo Wed 07-Aug-13 15:31:56

I'm not sure why your dd feels upset not to have seen the scan pictures.
And the 3 month thing isn't necessarily the end of the worrying time: it's the 20 week scan that is looking for anomalies and there can be all sorts of issues after that time.

It does make you sound a bit as though you haven't totally detaxched from your ex yet.

It's vulgar to tell people one is expecting before three months.

Sorry, what the actual fuck?? hmm

MrsDeVere Wed 07-Aug-13 15:39:09

YANBU

Of course your DD has the 'right' to know and as her mother you should have been informed so you could discuss it with her.
Not because you are a nosy cow but because you are her mother and your DD may well have questions and concerns.

I know these things are complicated but at the heart of it all is the best interests of the child, your DD. It is surely in her best interests to be included in the major life event and you, as her main carer to be equipped to help her with it?

I don't agree that it sounds like you are not detached from your ex. I think most parents would want to know something as important as this, it would be different if you didn't have a child together. But you do.

MoominsYonisAreScary Wed 07-Aug-13 15:43:03

I didn't tell anyone until 24 weeks last time, ds2 was told when I was about 6 months. Didn't even cross my mind to tell exh, think
dp told him at some point

MoominsYonisAreScary Wed 07-Aug-13 15:45:30

And I didn't find out about any of the dcs new siblings until the children told me

NatashaBee Wed 07-Aug-13 15:48:40

I do think it would have been the polite thing to do to give you a heads up in case your DD was upset. DSD told her mother herself, but if she hadn't, I would have mentioned it to her.

In the OP's case I don't really understand why the DD was moved out of the bedroom 'several months ago' for a baby that is still 4 months away from arriving (and then presumably will be in with its parents for the first couple of months).

I was going to say YABU, but having read your replies I think that actually you aren't being U. It does sound like your poor DD is not being treated fairly; yeah, you both should have been told.

McNewPants2013 Wed 07-Aug-13 15:49:32

My sister recently had a baby and I wish I told ds later.

40ish weeks is a long time for a child to wait and perhaps he wanted to wait so it wasn't a long wait for Dd

Emilythornesbff Wed 07-Aug-13 16:06:51

Oh.
Not sure about "rights" but I do think it would have been "the right thing" to tell you and your DD.
Why don't you raise it with them?

needaholidaynow Wed 07-Aug-13 16:14:23

No you don't have the right at all. You are not part of their family so it's nothing to do with you. Your DD should know, and if you found out from anyone else then that's the way it is.

Crinkle77 Wed 07-Aug-13 16:14:32

It does seem rather odd that they haven't told her about the baby and that she had to hear from other people. You don't have a 'right' to know as such but they should have told you about and then told your daughter so that you could be prepared for any questions she might have.

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