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AIBU to think it's hideously rude... (weddings!)

(64 Posts)
fenix Tue 06-Aug-13 11:26:47

... to invite someone to celebrate your public declaration of love, whilst not inviting that person's own parter?

I understand not inviting someone's casual date, or a partner if there is a history of deeply unpleasant behaviour. Nor should this imply that couples should be joined at the hip - it's perfectly reasonable to invite just one person to a birthday party or random celebration.

My gripe is with people who find nothing selfish or hypocritical about inviting close friends/family to honour their partnership, without showing any reciprocal courtesy or respect for their guests' own unions.

I honestly can't see any reasonable explanation for it aside from selfishness - budgets, venues and catering arguments seem to be hollow excuses. Surely the reasonable thing is for the guest list to dictate the venue and elaborateness of the day, rather than the other way around? Hell, even being selfish is fine if you own it and acknowledge that you wanted a certain type of wedding, and guests were a secondary part of that!

BoneyBackJefferson Tue 06-Aug-13 14:52:09

My argument with a friend about this was that if they wanted what amounted to a group of 5 people that I didn't really know turning up then they could pay for them.

It was interesting how quickly they backed down when I told them the price of the meal.

zipzap Tue 06-Aug-13 15:00:20

I wasn't invited to BIL's wedding - dh is one of 6 and although I'd been going out with DH for over 10 years at that point, we'd never got married. We had been living together for a long time and were pretty well settled, just hadn't got around to the wedding.

It was a small wedding - but I think DH was more upset than I was. Me - meh - it would have been a weekend away with lots of dh's relatives, a long drive there and back, meant I had a nice weekend at home alone which suited me just fine grin

Why would someone want to go to a wedding where they barely know the bride and groom?

I do take teacherandguideleader's point about being lonely at a wedding if you know no-one else there, and your partner hasn't been invited. There has to be compromise, so if you are inviting someone who doesn't know anyone else at the wedding, then it is only fair to invite their partner. But it isn't an automatic right to,have your partner with you at a wedding.

I have been to a colleague's wedding where I was invited, but dh wasn't - and that was OK because I was part of a group of colleagues, I wasn't on my own.

CaptainWentworth Tue 06-Aug-13 15:46:03

I just wanted to point out that sometimes there isn't an option to hiring a bigger reception venue. DH and I got married at my parents' church in north Northumberland - there were a few possible reception venues in the area but none could take more than 80 people for a meal, and some were considerably smaller. I didn't want to invite anyone just for the evening as most people had to travel; my mum asked a few church people and neighbours along in the evening but that was it. We did manage to invite all necessary relatives as well as everyone's long term partners in the end, but I was really worried about numbers at one point!

MaxPepsi Tue 06-Aug-13 15:52:15

I excluded people from my wedding.
Partly for cost and partly because I just didn't want them there.

I only had immediate family children - cost and room
I didn't invite cousins - no room
I didn't invite an Aunt - didn't want her there spoiling my mum's day.
I didn't invite the partner of a day do guest - I don't like him.

However, I also had couples who were invited where only one half turned up. Were they hideously rude to do that??

ShoeWhore Tue 06-Aug-13 16:09:05

We didn't invite anyone who we'd never met. Seemed reasonable enough to me!

We also took a lot of care to sit people with others we thought they'd get along with. We were quite young and so were our friends, so perhaps relationships were generally less serious anyway.

Re the numbers - you do have to draw the line somewhere!

Ragwort Tue 06-Aug-13 16:14:41

I'm also in the 'it depends' camp grin - one of the nicest weddings I attended was with a group of office colleagues to another colleague's wedding, we had a table to ourselves and it was all great fun.

I have been bored senseless going to some of my DH's friends' weddings, and no doubt he has felt the same at my friends' weddings. I have felt obliged to 'chat' with him rather than having a good laugh with old friends. We are not joined at the hip, we can attend social functions without each other quite more happily smile.

Saffyz Tue 06-Aug-13 17:01:50

> I also had couples who were invited where only one half turned up. Were they hideously rude to do that??

If they'd said they were coming, then yes of course, that's very rude.

FannyMcNally Tue 06-Aug-13 17:22:52

I love guestzilla! How we've come this far on MN without that word I'll never know.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 06-Aug-13 17:35:43

Venue, budget etc. is often a polite way of saying "your DP is a liability and we don't want them there".

HaughtyCulturist Tue 06-Aug-13 17:59:33

I got married recently and invited a bunch of workmates without their partners. I also invited a couple of friends who are former workmates without their partners, as the partners are not part of the social group in which I know the friends, and I had only met the partners once. I would like to have invited everyone but could not have done so in that venue as we were up to capacity, and it would have meant increasing our guest list by a quarter, which was a significant sum of money. Our wedding was all about the party, with very few frills or fripperies, so we were hardly prioritising this over our friends. Given that all bar a couple of people who had other engagements accepted the invite, it didn't seem to cause any offence.

The only bit of offence we may have caused is my nephew's partner. As I had not spoken to, let alone seen my nephew for over 8 years, and didn't even know he had a girlfriend, tbh I am not that worried about not inviting her, even though I invited my niece's partner whom I have met several times. I only found out that he had a girlfriend when about a week before the wedding she passed a message through a closer relative to ask if she could come. I made hasty enquiries with the venue to see if they could cater for her particular diet, only for her to change her mind again two days before the event and decide she wasn't coming after all. Maybe that was her way of demonstrating her horrendous offence, but as nephew had not made any contact with me (even ignoring Facebook requests) I'm not going to lose sleep over it.

Sleepthief Tue 06-Aug-13 18:13:57

Eccentrica - of course I don't expect everyone to be happy with my all decisions, but I do take great offence at being harangued and abused by letter for some thing that was, after all, MY decision to make. Especially by someone who wasn't planning to come anyway... Anyway, the only consequence is that my immediate family and I think she's a complete harridan.

You don't have to like the decisions of others, but you DO have to live with them.

When we got married we wanted the wedding to be local to my home, but not a church wedding. Home is fairly rural, and the choice of venues with dates available that summer was limited (several close family members are teachers and couldn't have time off on weekdays except in the school holidays), so dates were restricted. We didn't want to make everyone have to travel miles and we didn't want to wait another year. So, the guest numbers had to be tailored to fit the venue, not choosing a venue to fit the guest list. As it happens we didn't invite anyone without their partner, but I don't think it is as easy as some make it sounds to just keep adding more and more people.

I have been bored stiff at quite a few weddings as a +1 where I didn't know anyone (with boyfriends who weren't particularly serious relationships), I think those people would have been perfectly justified in not asking me, it would have been fine, but I am appreciative of the fact that they did so, nonetheless. If DH was invited to a wedding without me now I wouldn't mind either, all it says to me is that numbers are limited and he is the priority guest.

It just seems to be that couple marrying can't keep everyone happy, it is always going to be a compromise and if you don't like it, don't go. Of if you haven't been invited, then it's just a non-issue.

raisah Tue 06-Aug-13 19:21:20

It's not ideal but sometimes budgets, venues & other factors dictate the guest list. I come from a community where the whole family is invited & it's an alien concept to have a child free wedding. It is also regarded as highly rude to have a two tier guest list & to not feed your guests properly. People are prepared to forgo on the £3k car hire etc to ensure that they are hospitable & nobody is left out. The guest lists can be massive, think 500+ but everybody is made to feel welcome.

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