AIBU to think it's hideously rude... (weddings!)

(64 Posts)
fenix Tue 06-Aug-13 11:26:47

... to invite someone to celebrate your public declaration of love, whilst not inviting that person's own parter?

I understand not inviting someone's casual date, or a partner if there is a history of deeply unpleasant behaviour. Nor should this imply that couples should be joined at the hip - it's perfectly reasonable to invite just one person to a birthday party or random celebration.

My gripe is with people who find nothing selfish or hypocritical about inviting close friends/family to honour their partnership, without showing any reciprocal courtesy or respect for their guests' own unions.

I honestly can't see any reasonable explanation for it aside from selfishness - budgets, venues and catering arguments seem to be hollow excuses. Surely the reasonable thing is for the guest list to dictate the venue and elaborateness of the day, rather than the other way around? Hell, even being selfish is fine if you own it and acknowledge that you wanted a certain type of wedding, and guests were a secondary part of that!

Lottapianos Tue 06-Aug-13 11:52:26

I think the workmates issue is very different to inviting a friend without their partner. If there is a bunch of workmates going, they will all know each other and you probably don't know their partners so that makes sense. Inviting friends without partners though - not on in my book. Agree with other posters that you need to look at making savings elsewhere rather than expecting friends to turn up partnerless just for your convenience.

lottieandmia Tue 06-Aug-13 11:54:10

YANBU - it's bad manners not to invite a person's partner to any event, not just weddings.

absentmindeddooooodles Tue 06-Aug-13 11:54:45

Seriously? I will not be inviting all partners to our wedding. Not even all families partners. There are too many people. I cannot afford to feed an extra 95 people. I think it is unreasonable to think I should have to! I have a huge family, and am very close with the vast majority of them, however I simply cannot invite all partners.

Venue, numbers and budget are not hollow excuses. Weddings can be bloody expensive. I want to spend my wedding day with the people I love, and to be honest most partners, unless together for a very long time, or married kids etc, just do not come into that bracket.

For my guests who do not really know anyone, I will be giving the,m a plus one on the invite, as I would hate them to be uncomfortable. However I just can't see how for a lot of people it would be fees able to extend the invitation to every single person.

No-one at all has been upset about these arrangements. They have all been totally understanding and just lovely. The alternative is just to invite my immediate family, and leave out all auntires cousins and friends who I have grown up with. Everyone has agreed that this way is the best of both worlds.

If I could afford to have everyone there I would, but I refuse to get into debt just so I can accommodate people I don't even know very well.

I did read your reply, Evie, but it is too lovely a day where I am to bandy words with someone of your calibre. No work, so I'm off to the beach. Cheers.

OrangeLily Tue 06-Aug-13 11:56:30

It really depends. If its workmates then its pretty normal for our workplaces just to invite one person. I'm not going to bother about that at all. Its happened several times to us and we did it at our wedding too. In fact, some of my very close work friends actually asked me not to invite their partners!

Family, I would think it was rude. I think you have to take couples together here because they should both be 'counted' as family even the person who has married in (or is in a long term relationship). If they've been together all of 5 seconds then no.

lottieandmia Tue 06-Aug-13 11:57:25

We had a budget wedding and would not have dreamt of inviting people without their partner.

chesterberry Tue 06-Aug-13 11:58:29

I guess it depends on who you see the wedding actually being for.

Some people take the view that the wedding is for the guests and thus the most important thing is that they feel comfortable and have a good time - in that case of course you would want to invite people's partners.

Some people take the view that the wedding is for the bride and groom and thus the most important thing is that they have the sort of wedding they want (inc: venue, guestlist, budget etc) - in that case you might not want to invite partners of everybody if that will impose on some of the other arrangements.

I don't know that either viewpoint is 'right' or 'wrong' but do think that the viewpoint being taken by the people organising the wedding will make a big difference in terms of how much the bride/groom will compromise in order to enable partners to attend.

SoupDragon Tue 06-Aug-13 12:01:29

I think that insisting the couple invite who you want them to invite makes someone a guestzilla.

eccentrica Tue 06-Aug-13 12:01:43

themaltesefalcon "Using the way someone marks a solemn event (being joined before God- it really doesn't get more important, other than perhaps a christening) to get offended or be bitchy about the bride really doesn't make you look good."

Hahahahahaahahahahaha really tickled by the idea that the majority of weddings are primarily solemn events where the bride and groom mainly care about being joined before God.

/me wonders what century maltese has wandered in from.

hahahahahahhaahhaha that's really cheered me up for some reason.

Sleepthief Tue 06-Aug-13 12:09:43

I didn't invite my aunt's husband to my wedding - I have met him twice and only invited my aunt (again, not close to that branch of family) because I'd seen her fairly recently and she'd given me some useful career advice. It was definitely a numbers thing, although my wedding was pretty informal, and it came diwn to a choice between a virtual stranger who I couldn't pick out of a line-up and one of my closest friends who I've known all my life.

Anyway, my aunt sent me a horrible letter, despite the fact she was away at the time of the wedding anyway, and I will never forget or forgive her childish, selfish, unsympathetic behaviour. We don't see her at all. However, my only regret is that I invited her at all.

So YABU to make such a blanket statement. Last time I checked, you could invite whoever you wanted to your own wedding!

fenix Tue 06-Aug-13 12:10:06

Hercy, absentminded, for what it's worth, I understand tiny weddings and miniscule budgets - been there! It was so much more important to have the people I wanted there, it would have felt hollow to have them celebrate my relationship without their own partner. I don't see it being a linear choice between half my friends + partners -or- all friends and no partners; rather, I could compromises on the style of food, decorations and venue to accommodate everyone.

This isn't based on any recent incident of my husband not being invited to a wedding - more like an expression of my disdain for something I'm finding increasingly prevalent online and hearing about in life generally. Which, Maltese, I feel fine discussing in a separate thread rather than derailing other wedding-related topics. And I deliberately didn't refer specifically to brides, so at the very least I'm an equal opportunity bitch to grooms as well!

eccentrica Tue 06-Aug-13 12:25:52

Sleepthief "Last time I checked, you could invite whoever you wanted to your own wedding!"

Indeed you can but that doesn't mean everyone is going to be happy with your decision. As you found out.

The "it's my wedding and I'll [X] if I want to" attitude leads to a HUGE amount of unhappiness, rudeness and discontent, even breaking of friendships and family relationships, as evidenced by any number of threads on this website every day.

absentmindeddooooodles Tue 06-Aug-13 12:26:02

Well, at the moment, we are planning to cook the buffet ourselves, and have found a very very cheap hog roast. Drinks are cheap sangria and then pay bar. Due orations are all being handmade. Bridesmaid dresses costing £10 each. Cake being made by friend. Band is free as its a friend. Rings are very cheap. Secondhand dress. A few days ago we were told the guest numbers for our venue had been changed. The new front runner for a venue would cost us £200. I cannot compromise much more on costs etc. I want it to be a big fun party, but honestly, if you can find a venue in Cornwall for 320 guests, with no corkage or reasonable drinks prices etc, then please do as I'd love it. Have no problem spending a big chunk on venue if it can accommodate everyone.

squoosh Tue 06-Aug-13 12:33:47

I think it depends.

I don’t see why someone should feel obliged to invite a friend’s partner if they themselves aren’t friends with or don’t know that partner. I can see for some people going to a wedding where they don’t know anyone and their partner also isn’t invited could be a tad off putting. But still, their decision.

A group of workmates attending a colleague’s wedding do not need to bring their partners. That’s just crazy.

But I do think it odd behaviour that someone invites their sibling to their wedding but not the sibling’s spouse.

Oh the tangled web of weddings! Elope people!

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 06-Aug-13 12:40:45

I wouldn't invite anybody I didnt know, like and enjoy the company of,the only time I would do so was if an guest having plus 1 was essential due to illness or disability.

But then again I mix with people who don't need to bring partners to events and an socialise perfectly capabley without one and I would also make sure that each guest knew most of the other guests.

So if I know like and enjoy the company of yor partner they would be invited but if I don't then they won't,if you don't approve of this then fine decline the invite its no big deal.

Recently went to a friends wedding where I was invited to the whole thing but DH only to the evening (married 6 years together 15) Can honestly say it bothered neither of us & didn't think it was at all rude-a bit odd but not rude.

Each to their own, you do what you want for your wedding & leave others in peace to do what they want for theirs.

WineNot Tue 06-Aug-13 13:47:17

Budgets or venues seem hollow excuses to me because if you choose a venue with a limited capacity, you are basically saying that you care more about having the nice venue than you do about your guests.

Or, maybe it means 'I care more about having a venue I love and my guests will love than inviting someone I've never met/only met once or twice'

I invited some people to our evening do (another big no no I gather) without partners... But I spoke to them first.

The one person I'd been told would have a problem with it (by their best friend) didn't get an invite. Simple.

EvieanneVolvic Tue 06-Aug-13 13:54:59

I am finding this thread REALLY interesting.

My dd is getting married soon and apart from being allowed to invite a couple of friends and their partners to the evening do I have been told to butt out (which is fine my me, although I wish she had the same attitude toward my bank account!!)

However I am veering toward a bottom line of the guests are honouring the B and G by being there rather than the B and G doing the guests a huge favour by inviting them so if I were to get married again myself (nay chance!!!) that would probably inform my choices.

gingermop Tue 06-Aug-13 14:00:25

one of my best friends got married last year, I was bridesmaid, my dp and dc's ( oldest dc aged 14 her godchild) was not invited to ceromony or afternoon bit only evening.
I wasnt happy, didnt say anything though as her day, her choice.

teacherandguideleader Tue 06-Aug-13 14:09:58

I was invited to a wedding last year without my DP. If I had been part of a big group of friends I don't think it would have bothered me, but I wasn't and I knew noone else at the wedding. I was so lonely all day, no one to talk to in the 5 hours between the ceremony and dinner, noone to dance with (people were quite insular so it was hard to break into groups who were up dancing).

What made it worse was the amount it cost me in petrol and that my friend got annoyed because I left home early to drive home. She wanted me to stay in the hotel, but I couldn't justify the cost for just me - if it had been DP as well we'd have turned it into a mini holiday.

I always think weddings without partners or children are a little odd, since a wedding marks the start of their life as a family together, yet they want to exclude others. I think it is slightly different if you are inviting a big group of colleagues / friends - at least they'll all know each other, but it is a little mean otherwise.

eccentrica Tue 06-Aug-13 14:16:07

EvieanneVolvic "However I am veering toward a bottom line of the guests are honouring the B and G by being there rather than the B and G doing the guests a huge favour by inviting them so if I were to get married again myself (nay chance!!!) that would probably inform my choices."

Absolutely right.

crocodilebird Tue 06-Aug-13 14:21:21

We invited a friend minus her DH to our very small wedding (12 guests, reception in back garden). We might have been wrong to do so, but it made no difference - she brought him along anyway. And her little dog, Yappy.

I think it tends to depend on the size of the event and who the people in question are. When I got married we invited my DB and his wife, and my other DB (but not his 18 yo girlfriend, who hadn't been with him very long) and my DS (single, but didn't do a +1), however, every friend was invited with a partner/ +1 as I would never contemplate attending a wedding where I knew no-one other than the B+G.

DontmindifIdo Tue 06-Aug-13 14:28:53

OP - it really does depend, your argument that you could sacrifice the quality of food/venue/flowers etc assumes that people aren't already going for the cheapest possile option and still can't afford to have everyone they want there.

Or (like one friend) if you have a wedding so small that it really is just parents, siblings, children and one or two guests, then it's reasonable not to invite partners of the one or two guests.

But other than that, then I agree, I'd draw the line of living together, if you are living as a unit then you should be invited together. Dates beyond that (regardless of how long you've been dating) are 'nice to have' but not rude to invite without. (I also think once you go down that line, it's best you give everyone a "plus one" invite, because if you are letting people bring someone they are officially dating but not serious enough to be living with, then they are invites really just to keep that guest company, they aren't going to be someone important to you, so other guests should get the same option to bring a friend).

Crinkle77 Tue 06-Aug-13 14:44:27

Might be selfish but I would not want to sacrifice the quality of the food, venue etc... just so I could afford to invite people's partners that I don't really know that well. I think there is something wrong with people if they can't go for a day out without their partner and to be honest i think most blokes would be relieved to not have to go.

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