Advice needed please !

(48 Posts)
glittertree Mon 05-Aug-13 21:09:46

Advice needed I need to know if IABU or not...My sister has announced she is getting married I am delighted for her because she has wanted this for a long time but at the same time I am feeling quite emotional and frightened because my mother I haven't seen in 10 years is going to be there...
To try and not bore you all with too much detail she was emotionally and physically abusive to me as a child I grew up to feel worthless and useless she actually made my childhood a misery I would have done anything to have made her love me but she made it obvious that she disliked me by the way she treated ..me I used to cry all the time as a child..
.to cut a very very long story short she fell out with me again and as a woman I decided that I had to protect my sanity ..we never spoke again she never ever made any contact with me over the years to sort it out ?even though she has missed out on 4 beautiful grandchildren I saw her once years ago at a funeral and she just looked me up and down and sneered at me...I felt like a little girl again...
She has an differant relationship with my sister ...
Anyway when my sister announced this i felt so sick inside because I know I am going to have to face her and the thought terrifies me i actually went off and had a cry I feel like a little girl again .
I have to go because I can't let my sister down AIBU to be feeling so emotional ...any advice on how to deal with this?

CMP69 Tue 06-Aug-13 22:34:38

Good luck Glittertree, I really hope you can do it for your DSis and for you xx

glittertree Tue 06-Aug-13 21:44:45

CMP69 I am just waiting to do cbt I actually can't wait as I just want to be a mentally stronger person x

IJustWoreMyTrenchcoat Tue 06-Aug-13 21:44:43

I'm really sorry you're in this situation, it must be very hard for you. I can understand you wanting to be there for your sister, but she sounds very dismissive of your feelings.

She had a very different upbringing to you and it sounds like she doesn't realise how awful things were or you, or is happy to ignore it because it doesn't directly affect her. In this way she is expecting you to be there no matter the turmoil it causes. I don't know if I could, but if you want to could you just attend the ceremony but not the wedding breakfast/reception etc. your mum may be less likely to cause a scene that way.

CMP69 Tue 06-Aug-13 21:31:26

Also I work with a Psychologist who says counselling can actually bring back the original trauma, what is actually helpful is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) or something similar.
Good luck, but they way forward is to stop hating, I am really trying with that xxx

CMP69 Tue 06-Aug-13 21:22:13

I have a horrible nasty abusive father who I mostly pretend to get on with for my DM sake as she chooses to pretend he is a human being
Get through the day however you can for your DSis, and show everyone your gorgeous family and how great a Mum you are!

glittertree Tue 06-Aug-13 21:06:37

Feel actually quite tearful reading these replies and it's making me feel like I can be strong ...wedding is the 6th of sept I will comeback with an update...

mynameismskane Tue 06-Aug-13 19:27:20

Please op come back and update us once the wedding goes ahead? Is it soon?

mynameismskane Tue 06-Aug-13 19:25:53

I think you should go. Don't let your awful excuse for a mother take this away from you. Lean on your husband and children and just ignore her. If she tries to engage a conversation with you, get your husband to physically move you away and tell her no.

Remember, you are an amazing person who has made a good life despite having such a shit mother. You are strong, you have four great kids and a fantastic husband and you won - remember that. You didn't let her best you down so hold your head high and lean on your husband at the wedding. Don't let her engage your children either. If they are old enough, tell them why and just stay away from her.

MumnGran Tue 06-Aug-13 19:19:59

You know OP, the very best thing you can do is to tell your children how you are feeling. From the little you have said, I suspect those "teenagers" who hated the slushy "I love you's" will be an absolute wall against this woman who doesn't deserve the title of mother.

Let your children be the strength in your backbone on the day. Look at them, and the amazing job you have done as a mother, before you look at the failure who called herself your mother.

I know how very scary those feelings are. I was still afraid of how much mine could hurt me, in my forties. But they only have the power we give them OP. So, when she looks at you with that sneer ....look her full in the eye, with your shoulders straight, because she can take nothing of what matters in your life. Nothing.
What you have, with your own family, is worth so much more than any approval she might ever have had to give.
You don't need her approval anymore.
flowers

TimeofChange Tue 06-Aug-13 19:10:34

OP: Maybe go to the wedding and reception, but not the evening do (presuming there is one).

I cannot imagine how bad it will be for you, I went to my DDs wedding and my XH, her Dad was there, but your situation is much worse.

Paint on a smile, hold your head up and good luck to you.

TroublesomeEx Tue 06-Aug-13 19:06:57

Haha just read Nombre's post and realised she's given the same advice but so much more powerfully.

But it's the truth.

TroublesomeEx Tue 06-Aug-13 19:02:32

I'm estranged from my mother. It's only been 16 months so far, but I know how much I wouldn't want to bump into her somewhere.

My background with her was similar.

If you don't go, she will have the smug satisfaction of knowing why. Go, hold your head up, don't make eye contact with her. As far as you're concerned, she's a stranger to you and your family, and one you have no interesting in knowing.

She is nothing to you. Good luck. xx

Sparklymommy Tue 06-Aug-13 18:48:25

glittertree I am sorry that your relationship with your mother is so strained. However I think you would regret it if you didn't go to your sisters wedding. I agree with the previous poster who said that this should be about your sister and her soon to be husband.

On the day itself be civil to your mother. If she approaches you answer her questions politely, but don't give away how much her presence affects you.

flowers for you my dear.

I would go, but I would speak to my sister first and ask her to ensure that I was sat as far away from this woman as possible, because you don't want to cast a shadow on HER big day. Try to get some counselling beforehand if possible and ask for coping mechanisms. The only other advice I would give, is to stay sober! I'm sure that your DH will be very supportive but the last thing you need is to have a drunken row.

glittertree Tue 06-Aug-13 15:20:46

I agree thank you once more for such wonderful advice I shall draw strength from it... I as a child decided that when I grew up that I would never be like my mother and I am very proud to say I am nothing like her I am very close to all my children i tell them all the time I love them through the years as teenagers this drew a few groans but I never wanted them to wonder like I had to....so I shall go and hold my head high I will see if I can get anything to calm my nerves ...it's fine saying this but I know that I will be a bag of nerves on the day..thanks again all you lovely people

lollilou Tue 06-Aug-13 14:58:18

All the replies on this thread have brought a tear to my eye. What wonderful and supportive women you all are.

Crinkle77 Tue 06-Aug-13 14:57:44

I know it's difficult but you need to go and hold your head up high. You are no longer that little girl that she can bully. Make sure you have someone with you for moral support and just ignore her.

oldgrandmama Tue 06-Aug-13 14:54:55

Nombrechanger, brilliant reply. Glittertree, that's fantastic advice.

Nombrechanger Tue 06-Aug-13 14:47:54

This woman has absolutely no power over you. She is NOTHING. You are much stronger than her. She is only as intimidating as you let her be.
You know this already but must remember that you are a fabulous mother now and her time to reign has long passed. Don't be intimidated by a stranger. Lock those times away in a chest and throw the chest out/burn it.

It's your time now and YOU ARE IN CHARGE.

You go to your sister's wedding and enjoy the day. Ignore strangers. You have your family to speak to. If a stranger sneers at you, they know they're intimidating you and getting pleasure from it. Don't give them the satisfaction. Just don't acknowledge them at all. If you happen to catch her eye, just smile confidently and walk on. Remember she has no power.

oldgrandmama Tue 06-Aug-13 14:36:59

glittertree, I agree with those here who suggest seeing a sympathetic GP and getting something to tide you over ... you would probably need to take the stuff a day or two before the wedding, but it should calm you down and enable you to coast through the wedding and seeing your awful 'mother'. My GP will hand over a few valium before I have a root canal appointment with the dentist, and that's pretty small stuff, compared with what you'll be doing. I assume your husband and kids will also be attendance, and perhaps other, nice, relatives, who can all provide a loving and protecting 'praetorian guard' around you? It would be sad to miss the wedding. As for your 'mother', YOU have done nothing wrong but she sounds frightful and almost to be pitied, to have missed out on her grandchildren, through her own nasty behaviour.

glittertree Tue 06-Aug-13 14:32:06

I have tried some form of counselling but it didnt help much I am afraid ....it's left lifelong scars as much as i try to forget ..but I am trying to put it behind me and be a better and stronger person for it ..!

LEMisdisappointed Tue 06-Aug-13 13:58:50

Have you had any counselling to help you with your feelings about your mother? It might help you to be able to put her in a place where she can no longer make you feel bad.

quoteunquote Tue 06-Aug-13 13:56:43

Do you have someone who can come with you, stand shoulder to shoulder with you through out and really understand what support you need?

If so go, but have a pre arranged plan with who ever you go with,

That if at any moment no matter what, if the situation becomes overwhelming, you leave, quickly quietly straight away, no hesitation or delays, no discussions.

Have your car parked facing outwards where it cannot get blocked in,

pre warn your sister that you will do your best to stay at the event, but if your sensibilities are that for self preservation, you will leave and she is not to worry about it.

If you have pre planned that you can disengage quickly at any point, it will take some of the pre tension out, give yourself permission to disengage when it suits YOU

Plan with your support, that if you have to go, that you will go and share a bottle of bubble (buy in advance and have on ice in the car) somewhere nice, toast your sister, toast yourself for both doing so well despite toxic parenting.

glittertree Tue 06-Aug-13 13:10:30

Thank you for all of your replies I will focus on my sister and her day it will be tough as my mother was awful towards me and the thought of her makes me quake but I want to see her get married ...

OwlinaTree Tue 06-Aug-13 09:43:43

What a difficult situation. I am thinking that you would like to go to the wedding, and would be no question if mother was not attending.

I would suggest you try to chat to your sister about your fears, stressing how much you are looking forward to the wedding but how you are nervous about mother being there. Request that your sister doesn't sit you together etc, to make it easier on you.

On the day, arrive with someone you love and know will be supportive. Ask then not to leave your side! Wear something you feel great in. Rehearse in your head what you are going to say to mother if you do need to speak, I find this very helpful when I am meeting up with people I'm unsure about because it feels like I'm in control. Try to remain polite if possible, greet and make excuses to move on. Don't drink too much.

You will feel great if you get to the end having kept your composure and hopefully managed to enjoy your sister's day too. Good luck, families are difficult.

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