Aibu or is he?

(51 Posts)

To start off yesterday dh stormed up the stair and sulked all day as I had moaned at him fparty even opening a blind in the morning when I was out trivial yes but he was being a lazy sod.

Anyway my grans having a birthday party that none of us can make due to dhs umcles wedding and dh is best mam at it. So my grans having a wee tea party for the kids and those who cant make it. The same day dds go back to school, so originally dh, myself and dd3 were just going togo but now tea party is at 5 pm so all the kids can go. My mum is taking us as we dodon't drive amd its an hour away so when she told me the time had changed and all 3dds could go but it ment we couldn't all go as theres 5 of us and wouldnt all fit.

So when dh eventually came down stairs I said I wasnt sure what to do now as it would mean leaving him out and that made me feel bad.

Dh went mental and after shouting for over 15 minutes about me being dis loyal to him and no kind of wife at all he announced that this marriage isnt working for him any more as I don't know the meaning of being a wife!!! Wtf!!!!

He also had disinvited me from said wedding and a pre planned night out tonight. Also banned my parents from the house???

We have not spoken since I am gobsmaked, confused and heartbroken. Trying to keep it together as 3dds heard the lot

Aibu and dis loyal? I have not seen my gran or wider family for 3 years since our wedding party. Sorry this is so all over the place.

Cheeseatmidnight Sat 03-Aug-13 09:21:39

Oh my goodness, you are putting up with so much! Massively passive aggressive husband by the sound of it. I think he does not know how to be a husband

Cheeseatmidnight Sat 03-Aug-13 09:22:22

You are not being disloyal - in what way does he think you are being disloyal?

That I would leave him at home. He feels dis invited which isnt the case there wont be enough room now all my dds can go. Apparently I should have said no if he can't go.

I have to admit that I got very confused by your post, but it seems like you have bigger problems than a wedding/ birthday party. I think you need to sit down and have a proper about your marriage and what he expects from you, and what you expect from him. Maybe with a third party present.

I'm a bit confused as to why there would be a tea party for the people who can't go to the big party, at a place that is too small for them all. confused Why not invite your gran to a nice meal or something that you can all go to together. I think his reaction is extreme but I don't think he is being unreasonable to feel hurt and excluded.

Its a tea party for the young grand kids that can't go to the actual surprise party as no kids allowed. It's not at a place to small it's at my unclues house. My mums car is not big enough to take myself dh and 3dds. She lives an hour away and we dont drive so my mums the only waywe can get there.

Oldraver Sat 03-Aug-13 09:35:44

He is being a twat and selfish. If you are a family of five and dont drive then if your offered a lift there wont be room for you all...does he really think non of you should go because you cant ALL go ?.

Though it sounds like there is more to this than who can fit in a car. Does he usually massively overreact in this way ? How are things between you on a day to day basis ?

Yes he expects none of us to go.

We have good and bad days like everyone but to want to end our marriage blindsided me I never thought that would ever come up I thought we were very happy. Apparently not! Even if said out of anger its been said now.

Yes he expects none of us to go.

We have good and bad days like everyone but to want to end our marriage blindsided me I never thought that would ever come up I thought we were very happy. Apparently not! Even if said out of anger its been said now.

MidniteScribbler Sat 03-Aug-13 09:43:52

It sounds like a pretty big overreaction, but I would have thought you would discuss something like that with him before making decisions. I can see why he would feel hurt. Surely you should look at ways that you could all go as a family, whether that be public transport, taxi, or if that is not an option, then at least discuss it with him first. You don't like that he has disinvited you to the wedding and night out, but it is exactly what you have done to him. I think you need to spend some time actually talking with each other, with a professional if necessary. Good luck.

Fallout1977 Sat 03-Aug-13 09:52:28

Yeah sounds like he's over reacting (massively). Maybe there's something else going on here?
The marriage isn't working because he can't fit in a car and go to some kids party at your grans? Wtf! Tell him to take the kids then and you stay at home and have a pamper day! Sounds like a right drama queen to me. Pathetic! If my dh behaved like that I would be embarrassed for him.
Can't believe he has dis-invited you to a wedding that isn't even his and has banned your family from the house!
Who died and made him king of the world!

I never made a decision though when I sat down and said im not sure what to do now re tea party as things have changed, I expect a normal conversation not a full blown argument

myroomisatip Sat 03-Aug-13 09:55:59

He sounds controlling and he is at the very least, being childish. Do you get to see much of your own family or does he make it difficult?

I would expect my partner to understand and be happy to see me and the DC go off to the party, afterall it is for the DC.

I havent seen any of my family except parents or brother in 3 years so I dont think wanting to go is unreasonable.

Just astounded at wanting to end marriage, I thought we were happy agree more must be going on but I have no idea what!

firesidechat Sat 03-Aug-13 09:58:56

Is there no way that you can find a way to attend together? Public transport? No one else able to give lifts so that you can spread out into two cars?

I can sort of see why he would be upset, although that doesn't excuse the massive over reaction. If I was the only member of the family to have to stay at home because of lifts etc I would be hoping that an alternative could be found.

CaptainSweatPants Sat 03-Aug-13 10:00:09

Why can't he get public transport to the party?

Why isn't he working at that time or did he take time off for your gran's party or is he a shift worker?

Could you all get a train? With a family railcard kids travel for £1, it probably wouldn't cost much more than the petrol money. Yes, talking about ending a marriage over this is a bit extreme, but it sounds to me as if there is more to it than that. If it was the other way round, and DH had arranged a lift to a family party excluding OP, the reaction would be that she WNBU to be upset about it. There would be lots of drip feeding going on, about other incidents that had upset the OP/ made her feel excluded, that maybe DH wasn't even aware of, and how this was the "straw that broke the camels back" etc, etc. They need to sit down and talk about what has gone wrong. I couldn't make head nor tail of the first sentence in the OP, but obviously there is underlying resentment somewhere about something more than this one incident.

No as its so far away my mums having to travel 30minsto get us and double back we live bbeside all his family. I understand him feeling left out that's why I never made a definate decision I only tried to discuss itwith him 1st.

Sorry op is abit all over the place we had been arguing yesterday before said big argument originally over him doing nothing in the house.

myroomisatip Sat 03-Aug-13 10:05:06

He sounds horrible and just like my Ex. Funnily enough we always had time to spend with his family but it was never convenient to see mine.

There is no way whatsoever that you are being disloyal. You are talking about a party for the DC, not a week away to a wonderful holiday destination.

I would be considering how peaceful life would be without his sulks and 15 minute tirades!

I still don't understand why you can't do public transport. Surely, as a family, if you don't drive it's something that you must do already.

It's too far to time it from dds finnishing school and getting there in time 2 trains and a taxi

wigglesrock Sat 03-Aug-13 10:10:47

God, we do this all the time in our house. Your granny is having a bit of a party for kids that can't come - pretty standard in our house. My pils are usually away over one of our kids birthdays, so we or they have a bit of cake etc.

Your husband is being a complete dick and I'm being kind. You can't use public transport - too far/dear and its after school so really awkward, you don't have a car/drive - is he expecting you all to teleport?

I actually don't get what his issue with the arrangement is? Afraid I'd be closing the door behind him and getting rid.

RhondaJean Sat 03-Aug-13 10:15:18

Is that you threesypeesy?

Flipping heck he's bu, is he stressed about being best man or something? Not that it's an excuse but I've seen grown men reduced to quivering wrecks by the thought of the speech.

Anyway he is needing a firm kick up the backside and I hope you are still going to take the children to the CHILDREN'S party.

It's not even a full moon!

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