To leave DH because of this?(42 Posts)
DH and I have 3 young DC (2,5 & 7) and have just bought a house we are renovating. He works very long hours and I am really struggling this Summer holiday with DC and also managing the renovation.
I called DH in tears the day before yesterday telling him I couldn't cope and just felt like I didn't want to be alive anymore as the stress is making me ill and a nervous wreck. He was fairly sympathetic.
Last night DD was in tears as my mother gave her a book about monsters to read, she was shaking and terrified. DH was really horrible to her and turned the light off which I pulled him up on (I remember feeling the way DD did as a child after wathcing scary things). He said if I could parent properly I wouldn't have the problems I do and that I'm not an effective mother and I should listen to him & it's my own fault they behave the way they do.
I actually think I'm a good parent, just frazzled, he says millions of people do the job I'm doing and don;t complain and that he would love to be at home with the DC.
I'm sick of him throwing back things I tell him when I'm upset back in my face when we row, I feel like I can't trust him as whenever I do show him a 'weakness' he will bring it up and use it against me at a later date.
Would I be UR to consider leaving him over this?
Tell him to start a thread on MN saying 'we have 3 young children and we are renovating a house, I work long hours, my wife says she's struggling but Ive told her loads of people do it and she needs to buck up' AIBU?
And see what the mothers of GB say to him.
We had building work for 6 months last year, it was incredibly stressful and exhausting, being at home with three kids, trying to feed us all healthy meals without a kitchen etcetera. I was this close to a breakdown.
I recall DH saying it "wasn't that bad" and me reading him the riot act. It wasn't that bad for him, going off to work everyday, eating proper meals in the canteen, whilst I was trying to entertain kids all day without the run of my house/garden in shite weather.
He didn't dare say it twice.
My friend did their Reno with a baby and preschooler, they lived in a caravan in the drive and he worked all hours while she had to manage. She said it nearly ended her marriage, it was so stressful and she is the most organized person I know. Finally done and moved in and they decided they will never ever do that again.
He works very long hours
You say that, but your post suggests you're stressed and he's not, or you're more stressed than he is. Do you assume he has it easier?
telling him I couldn't cope and just felt like I didn't want to be alive anymore
If you're serious, get help.
If you're using that for attention, that's unreasonable and manipulative.
You can't live like this long term. My mum is 50 odd and on anti depressants because of living like that.
I was married to someone who had attributes in common with your dh.
Note the was.
You've three young kids and a home to renovate.
sounds to me that the odd falling out is perfectly normal. It would be odd if you didn't.
As for leaving him, on its own it would have been a stupid reason to leave.
Being a single parent is not an easy job. much harder with three young kids.
As for leaving him, on its own it would have been a stupid reason to leave.Being a single parent is not an easy job. much harder with three young kids.
Not a helpful thing to say at all. Being a parent is not an easy job. Much harder with a DH that's being disrespectful, dismissive, and is not supportive.
What a horrible thing to say niceguy. Why is it whenever I see your name I know I'm going to cringe?
You are both under a lot of pressure - make sure you point out to him that your marriage is your joint responsibility and you have to put in time and effort into every relationship, not just sit back and take it for granted or expect one person (you) to sort it all out.
Well would you get a job & have him do what you're doing? might be a solution if he wants to stay at homewith them & you feel stressed by it.
Which part was horrible of me to say?
To point out that the occasional falling out is normal in a marriage and they're both under a lot of stress?
Or to point out that being a single parent is tough and not necessarily the answer to OP's problem either?
Which do you think is untrue and would I be less horrible to say 'dump the bastard' automatically?
Dump the renovations, keep the husband. Why anyone with three young kids takes on a major house project has always been beyond me.
We went through 6 months of renovations last year. We had a month camped in a couple of rooms with no kitchen facilities and then moved out and into another house. The stress on me was enormous, and I remember overhearing dh on the phone to his sister early on saying that actually the whole business was pretty easy! He genuinely had absolutely no idea what was going on as he left each morning at 7.30am and came home at 8pm and played with the kids briefly just as he always has done. He had no concept what I was dealing with while he was at work.
He is also another one who feels that I am lucky to be a SAHM while he has to go to work each day.
On both the renovations and the general SAHM life I have to occasionally sit him down and remind him of a few facts, and explain when the pressure is mounting and I feel like I am going under.
There have been many times when I have felt that if he says one more thing then I will LTB but that is not really the answer as we love each other. He can be ignorant and insensitive and genuinely has no idea what my life is like sometimes and so I have to tell him. Like some posters have suggested, I have at times had to spell out what I need from him eg I want you to get up in the night for dd so I can have a break, I need you to take dcs out at the weekend so I can have some time to myself etc etc.
BTW our renovations were not something we chose to do - we had a home disaster that needed fixing - I cannot imagine why anyone would voluntarily put themselves through that with young children. I have never been so stressed in my life.
We took on a house project with two young children and both working full time and that was bad enough.
You only have a few weeks of renovations left so you just have to bat on and finish. DH should be sharing the load with you once he is home so you both have the same amount of free time. If he is doing renovations then you will have to do other stuff. I used to do the clearing up afterwards, that was the deal.
It will gradually get easier but these few years with very small DCs are relentless and exhausting. It does pass but seems to go on for ever at the time.
The dirty tactics is just low. I have been very disappointed when this sort of thing has happened (only once). If it happens again, time for a rethink.
Being a single mother wouldn't make things easier.
If the present stresses are the only problem in your marriage don't do anything drastic like ending it. If you still love each other and get on generally, it would be silly to end it in a period of increased stress like renovations during summer holidays.
Organise some time away by yourself and go on a cheap holiday or just stay with friends/family for a few days. He can take some time off work. He would probably appreciate a change and chance to see the dc more and you will get a break. Also he will most likely be more appreciative of your efforts when you return.
Out of interest OP, what would happen if you left him in sole charge of the kids while you went away for a week? Would you feel confident/able to do this?
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