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Is he or am I?

(30 Posts)
QueenSconetta Sat 03-Aug-13 02:05:42

I will try to keep this brief but not drip feed.

Have nearly 9 week old DD and older DD of 3.7. DD2 is not great at sleeping at night so regularly doesn't go to sleep until 12 - 1am, then up at 5/6 for a feed and difficult to settle. Have had to be up at 7.30am all week to get DD1 to summer activity. It is always me who gets up at 5am ish with baby as EBF, always me who gets up to get everyone up and out for DD1's activity and always me who takes her(and DD2). DH works shifts so ccould have assisted with this the last 2 days.

Anyway tonight I had some friends coming over so DH goes out. Fine. I asked him please don't come in smashed out your face at stupid o'clock as I will probably be struggling with exhaustion by then.

He has rolled in totally pissed, has now run off to the bathroom to be sick and after only 1 hours sleep I am rocking the baby and the chances of getting more than a couple of hours more before DD1 is up are slim. I will also have to entertain them both all day on my own because he will be good for nothing with a hangover.

He has just spewed in the bathroom sink which I will probably have to clean before DD can use ot tomorrow

So is he a selfish prick or am I a moaning old harridan?

Thanks for reading this far. Feel better for a moan.

QueenSconetta Sat 03-Aug-13 09:29:11

Hope you are ok curiosity, men are twatbastards iME. Ninja you made me laugh with hover pub. I'm not bothering to wake him up, I'm still too pissed off to want to be around him. DD2 went to sleep at 3.30, up at 5.30, back down at 6 then DD1 obliged by not getting up until 8.30 so I managed 5.5 hours.

curiositykilledthekat Sat 03-Aug-13 07:19:27

I have just posted a very similar AIBU Queen. My bath is covered in puke at the moment after a night of over indulgence by my DP.

You are obviously suffering with sleep deprivation which knocks the stuffing out of you completely.

Like MissTweed said use it to your advantage and make him feel guilty as hell!

Fairylea Sat 03-Aug-13 07:16:12

A lot of single mums (like me back in the day) get a break when their exes have the dc for the weekend. See how he likes them apples smile

MissTweed Sat 03-Aug-13 07:06:03

Use it to your advantage.... Last time my DH did this we had a whole day of plans ahead but he went out the night before with work... one drink led to two which led to god knows how many sambukas!! He was ill...Acted like a knob but the next day I said I was really disappointed as we had plans and voila!!! Every bit of DIY I've been nagging him to do was suddenly done!!gringrin it was out of character so I got over it. If your OH is otherwise lovely then forgive and move on (but not before giving him the guilt trip!! I would also clean the sink as its more to make him feel guilty!! Am I evil?? Lol)

IrisWildthyme Sat 03-Aug-13 07:00:06

YANBU he is being an unbelievably selfish prick. I can't imagine having got through those early weeks without my DH being totally focussed on the family's needs every second of time that he wasn't at work - and even WITH that level of support it was exhausting and dreadful at times. I know it must be possible to survive with less support - single mums manage heroically after all, but dealing with all that with a useless selfish git like that must be unbearable. He is being totally irresponsible.

TheFallenNinja Sat 03-Aug-13 06:58:54

9 week old at home and he's off to the pub? My DD is 9m and I can't remember where the pub is.

It'll probably be a hover pub the next time I get in there. hmm

ExcuseTypos Sat 03-Aug-13 06:58:47

He asks you how single mothers cope?!

I'd be telling him that if he doesn't buck his ideas up, you'll be finding out how single mothers cope as he's going to be leaving.

He sounds selfish, immature and a twat.

fairylightsinthespring Sat 03-Aug-13 06:53:46

there is a difference between having a few and a good night and being so drunk you puke. DH and I regularly give each other the "night off" to go out with friends and the understanding is that (like right now) they get to sleep while the one who stayed in does the "early shift" with the DCs, after which, about 8am, they get up and allow the other to go back to bed. If either of us was SO shitfaced that we were out of action all day, it would be V unreasonable. I agree it depends on his level of remorse

KingRollo Sat 03-Aug-13 06:44:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morgause Sat 03-Aug-13 06:40:44

He is a total prick. YANBU.

Fairylea Sat 03-Aug-13 06:31:27

Yanbu.

Some might disagree but personally I think getting so drunk you throw up when you are a parent to young dc is totally irresponsible. It's time for him to grow up. (Said as someone who used to binge drink throughout my 20s).

You are doing too much and he isn't doing enough and worse still he is expecting you to do it all (single mothers comment).

I would be absolutely livid and we would be having very serious words.

When our ds was little and waking at 12ish dh would stay up till then and feed him so I could go to bed early. I would then do the early feed as I am better at getting up. Dh is a retail manager who works shifts and regularly works 50 hours a week.

angeltattoo Sat 03-Aug-13 04:32:34

YANBU.

I look after the baby all day - not unreasonable as DH is at work :-)

At weekends, DH takes the lead with the baby, really all
I have to do is feed her.

The one of us not doing baby stuff does thd house stuff.

He could have got up with your DDs the past 2 days, giving you LO to feed in bed and taken yiur DD to her activity.

His single mother question is VVVVU.

everlong Sat 03-Aug-13 03:49:34

Book yourself a pedicure or facial.

Sod off for a few hours.

He's not being fair at all.

AgentZigzag Sat 03-Aug-13 03:12:04

So he's trying to make you feel guilty/responsible for him not pulling his weight?

You saying 'I'm struggling and need help' shouldn't be met with 'you'd have to do it all if you were single', it should be 'what can I do to ease it?'

Call his bluff and tell him you may as well be single then <boot, out of the house>

bragmatic Sat 03-Aug-13 03:11:43

QS, The harshness of my post was mostly directed at his not stepping to help you with a newborn. The coming home drunk when you specifically asked him not to is the the icing (or vomit) on the cake.

My husband and I come home the worse for wear occasionally. We know the drill. We try to be quiet, we don't sleep in the marital bed, we suck up the inevitable hangover, and while the sober one takes up a bit of the slack with the following day's parenting requirements, the sick one doesn't get a free pass.

No, you shouldn't stop moaning. He had two days (so you say) where he could have helped you with a very difficult baby. He chose not to. You are not a single mother.

QueenSconetta Sat 03-Aug-13 02:54:47

He has been known to say 'how do single mothers cope?' But I'm not a single mother so I shouldn't have to cope on my own. He also keeps telling me he thinks I have PND. I don't, I'm just on a short fuse because I'm so tired. On the rare occasion he does settling duty and I get more than 4/5 hours sleep I'm fine. I guess sleepless nights are part of the package and I should stop moaning!

AgentZigzag Sat 03-Aug-13 02:53:36

Well that's it, you could probably just about get the energy together to do it all, but why the fuck should you??

QueenSconetta Sat 03-Aug-13 02:49:20

I think it's more I need him to help occasionally. There is only so much I can do on my own before I will collapse with exhaustion.

AgentZigzag Sat 03-Aug-13 02:45:54

If it was an occasional one off and it were me, I might be tempted (as the drinks went on especially grin) to give DH a metaphorical 'fuck you' if he thought it was OK to try and guilt me into behaving as he thought fit.

It is you being controlling in that respect, but they're fairly good reasons, it's probably that you're more sad he didn't want to choose to only get a bit squiffy so he could be involved with you/DC tonight/tomrw, and instead decided to get roaring drunk.

The DW in me really wants to punish him for that in a small tortuous way just for it to register with him grin but I really would look immature then grin

QueenSconetta Sat 03-Aug-13 02:35:08

I would only clean up for DD1's benefit as not fair on her to get up to a mess. In fact it wasn't bad, he said he cleaned but drunk cleaning and proper cleaning are different so did it again.

Will be having serious words when he is compos mentus enough for them to go in.

He doesn't go out often and says I always moan at him when he does but as this or similar is generally the result no wonder. Which is why I specifically asked him not to come in late and drunk, and he has basically said a metaphorical 'fuck you!'.

AgentZigzag Sat 03-Aug-13 02:32:02

The way to measure how fucked off you should be is in the morning.

If he's defensive, prickly, sulky, don't have any of it.

Accepts he was a muppet and tries to make it up to you, I'd let it go (with clauses wink).

AgentZigzag Sat 03-Aug-13 02:29:59

He's a big lad and can shoulder the responsibility of getting a bite to eat on his own.

And don't let him try to turn it round on to you being 'hormonal', he's being a shit to you.

That doesn't mean he's an overall shit, I'm sure he's a nice bloke/great dad, but in this instance he's laid himself open to giving you fodder to use in future arguments he is.

bragmatic Sat 03-Aug-13 02:28:00

Selfish prick and I'd have no hesitation with starting WW3 over that sort of behaviour, together with 'hands off' parenting with a newborn.

As for cleaning up someone's spew? I've never done it for anyone except my children, and I'm not sure why you would even consider it. Serve it up to him on toast and see how he likes getting up close and personal with it.

WafflyVersatile Sat 03-Aug-13 02:27:09

Make him drink a pint or three of water for now. Make him get up tomorrow. Send the kids to jump on the bed.

QueenSconetta Sat 03-Aug-13 02:25:14

I am hormonal not I hormonal!

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